Not sure how I can earn what DH suggests upon return to work

[HowcanIearnthis]

Apologies in advance for the length of this - trying not to drip feed.

DH is a high earner and has worked very hard for his whole adult life. About a year ago, I became a SAHP, but prior to that I had worked similar hours to DH. I am slightly younger than DH, so had not worked these hours for as many years. In addition, my profession is a bit lower paid than that of DH and frankly, he was unusually successful in his profession, whereas, whilst competent, I wasn't exceptionally successful in mine. As a result of his career success, we have had a comfortable lifestyle, paid off our mortgage and whilst we don't spend excessively (both of us being from quite frugal, sensible backgrounds), we have been extremely fortunate in that we haven't had particular money worries. I know that we are very, very lucky.

When I became a SAHP, this was a joint decision, although a contributory factor was my mental health and the impact on it of a horribly stressful job. Even today, one year on, I quite often find myself in tears and sweating at 3am about the situation I left. We decided that it would be best for all of us if I were to be a SAHP until all of our DC started school. We are now expecting DC2. DH says he still feels that it is best for all of us if I continue to be a SAHP for now. I was happy with this until very recently, having taken steps to protect my own financial position etc. DH's job is very demanding and it is true that I don't think he could do it if I were doing my old job and unable to be the "default" parent, as I am now. We live in an area with very little childcare provision and my returning to work would realistically mean DD being in childcare from 7 am to 7pm every day, which I would prefer to avoid if possible.

However, DH now says that when the DC start school (so in 5 years or so), we need to share the financial responsibility for our family down the middle. So far, so reasonable - I was very much intending to go back to work. We have worked out a budget as to what income we will need to meet our outgoings. However, what this means in practice is that from his high earning position, he will only need to work 1 day/week. Even when I manage to get back into the workplace, it will mean me having to work 5 days/week, because I will have disadvantaged myself so much in career terms. I feel that my being at home has directly contributed to this situation - increasing his earning potential massively and reducing my own - and that it would be fair to take account of this. I pointed out that if I made a unilateral decision that I was only going to "work" in looking after the DC 1 day a week from now on, he'd have serious difficulties. I feel that it would be fairer to, for example, work three days a week each, if such roles could be found. He says that he has worked hard for many years and deserves a break. I feel that I could say the same, but I have a (shared) responsibility to look after our kids financially and emotionally. Being at home with small children isn't a holiday and I feel that it's not fair for me to do all the years of wiping snot, night feeds and chasing poo around the bath and then for him to want to swap and be the SAHP once they're both in school and he can read his book on the sofa.

I'm also a bit upset because we have always had shared responsibilities and finances. He's an amazing father and he worships the ground DD walks on - he's not some sort of absent parent and I would never, ever have said that he was someone who shirked responsibility or was looking for a free ride on the domestic front. We are a family - we have always mucked in together. That's what families do, isn't it?!

AIBU?

[HowcanIearnthis]

To be fair to him, he then said that we would see what job I could find (perhaps in an ideal world, trying to find a role that allowed me to do something like 4 days over 5, so that I could still see the kids a bit) and how much I could bring in and then he might end up having to do more than 1/2 days a week to make up the difference to what we needed. So in practice, I think we have reached a practically workable solution. I just wanted to ask whether IWBU to have kicked up a fuss in the first place because it just felt as though this was very different to what he had envisaged and that I was being difficult and negative.

[Cromwell1536]

My experience is that organisations generally pay the highest wages to those employees whose skills, experience, performance and contacts deliver the best returns to the company. And the company wants those qualities all the time. That's why it's tricky to find part-time work that is as highly paid as a full-time counterpart. Even if you're freelancing/self-employed, your clients want you around the clock - that's part of the service they're paying you very well for. So your husband may find that working one day a week to earn 20 per cent of what he's currently getting, while you make up the rest with full-time work, is a pipe-dream in more ways than one!

Don't take this as a defence of him, but is it possible that he's hitting a wall at work at the moment, similar to the one you hit, and seeking a way out? Planning a future where childcare, managing the house and paid work is shared more equally is good. But the model he's proposing is just unrealistic. And 5 years is a long time in a job market anyway. Counter-proposal time! - do some research on what you could earn on a three day week, and make that the basis of your plans. He should still be able to gear down a bit on the paid work, and even with both children at school, you (as a couple, not you singularly) will still need to cover a lot of childcare and domestic grunt work between you. There will be plenty of work to go around!

I'd advise not panicking into thinking he's suddenly turned into a shit. It's transition time - every family has them. You never know, if you get back into part-time work, you might find that professional ambition is reawakened and over the next 10 years or so you want to increase the proportion of your life that you devote to work, while he gears down. So as the kids are hitting their GCSE years, he's doing most of the heavy lifting on the domestic front. That takes a LOT of time and energy, believe me!

[Squirmy65ghyg]

This is so fucked up. Seriously.

There's either an OW on the scene and he's setting up an exit, or he's a horrible, horrible human being.

[hatethegame]

YANBU. Does he understand that being a SAHM is a tough (unpaid) job, and that women sacrifice progression in their career to do it, and also save the family thousands of ££ in childcare?! What a knob.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

OK .. I've calmed down. His plan is crap, but (since you are showing him this thread) are there other issues at stake here? Is he stressed, tired and hating his work? If so, is there an immediate compromise that could be made without breaking the bank such as him working 4 days (and being an equal SAHP on the 5th) or him finding a less stressful job that will still pay the bills and then when the last child hits school age you easing back into work so that you both work three days?

[Jooni]

OP that may be "practically workable", but it's still hugely unfair. Why should you do all the grunt work at home and then switch to being the breadwinner as soon as the workload at home eases? And I totally agree that his view of family/marriage sounds extremely mercenary. You don't owe him or the family anything for having taken a career break to raise your children! That's not how it works ffs.

[Kiroro]

This is so fucked up. Seriously.

How could he even THINK that was fair?

To give him the benefit of doubt, maybe he is stressed and just isn't thinking straight. So you both need to talk and talk and talk.

If he is insistent this is his plan - I suggest you get back to work ASAP and he does 50% of the childcare and house shit work now.

[Velvian]

Fwiw, op. I have asked my dh if he would consider looking for a lower paid more flexible job. At the moment im working 3 days in the public sector. I want to work full time, but feel it's asking too much of our dcs to add any more days when ds2 is at nursery & dd is collected by childminder g/parents.
I love the days i can go to work without worrying about the dcs; if someone wiuld put some washing on & cook a meal that would be even better.

[intheknickersoftime]

I also think showing him this thread is a bad idea. He will mock it, won't take any of the opinions here seriously and won't listen to you about it. You have to have the courage of your convictions. Deep down you know he's being a massive twat. He will use this thread to grind you down further as your lack of confidence in your correct opinion is showing. He really has no idea. I have two at secondary school and one at primary and have only just managed to get a meaningful substantial job, but that is only for 25 hours a week for a fraction of what I used to earn. I don't think I could manage many more hours at the moment. Taking a career break really kills off a large chunk of earning potential.

[NoSquirrels]

But he's still telling you you'll need to work 5 days/full time & generously "allowing" you time in this scenario to see your DC, & he'll work "a bit" - will he be responsible for arranging the childcare those days? Or will you (on top of your new job after 5 years out?)

Look, you know him & presumably love him, but it sounds a fucked up discussion to me - it's not any sort of practical way to be thinking about the realities of how you function together as a team.

[Velvian]

...but i should reitterate that your dh is being totally unreasonable-no question about it.
If he's serious aboyt cutting down, that's great, but he'll have to accept yoyr household income will drop.

[TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder]

I never understand it when people come on here and say that their DH is a wonderful man, so totally amazing in every way apart from this one thing, but the one thing is always something that signals a complete lack of basic respect. How is it possible for your DH to be a great husband when he so clearly does not appreciate or respect you? I find it impossible to really offer any advice in these situations because my DH would never in a million years suggest this. If he didn't value and respect me then I would not be married to him. Simple as that.

As for your specific situation...For a start, your DH is obviously completely shitting all over your contribution as a SAHM and neither values nor respects that. I doubt that you will change his mind if you have been parents for 3 years and he still doesn't understand it. The other issue is with his proposed division of labour. Ignoring the absolutely fucking obvious (I.e. the fact that his success and your reduced earning potential are both as a direct result of you being a SAHP), a loving partner would not watch their wife work 5 days a week while they worked 1 and consider that fair. If you love someone you share the burden. When were you ever able to take 4 days a week off?

[Anatidae]

Splitting responsibility down the middle is fair. BUT...

That split is not solely financial. It's a mix of contributing money, time and emotional investment to the family pot. His demand shows he does not view your contribution as equalto his and that is very worrying because it indicates either a lack of awareness at just how much you are contributing or (worse) he knows but doesn't care.

Your staying at home has directly enabled his career. His success is directly contributed to by your effort. You need to sit him down and in no uncertain terms ask him to consider what his career would look like if you'd been hit by a bus/abducted by aliens and he's had to do all the domestic side. Because the answer is either no career because he's doing it all or paying for a live in nanny plus ooo childcare. Cost that out for him. Nanny/s plus housekeeper.

It is absolutely fair that after working so hard he drops to part time. It is absolutely ludicrous for him to then demand you go back to work and earn x amount.

I suggest you go buy him a copy of the book 'wifework' and read it to him.

I know you say he's lovely but this is not an idea born from the mind of a man who sees your contributions to the house as of equal value. Somewhere under that loveliness is , unfortunately, a whole sea of misogyny

[2014newme]

Yes I appreciate being a,sahm when the kids,start school is different to when they ate pre school. Doesn't change the fact that he wants to take a break from a high stress job. Nothing wrong in that.
I really can't see the issue.

[HolaWeenie]

Five years is a long time away. 1/week job is unlikely to exist!

If he would like a break and you are mortgage free, he can work to save now for the other outgoings in order to take a sabbatical.

[fuzzywuzzy]

How about you thorn to work when dc2 is six months and your husband can go down to working one day a week and be the sahp whilst you work part time?

He can do nights and entertain and feed kids and take care of the housework and everything else you do.

Bets on how long he will last?

[Anatidae]

The issue is that he's he's not saying 'we've both worked so hard and the mortgage is paid off. Once the kids are in school I'd like to dial it back a bit and go part time. Let's talk about how we could do that and how we can split childcare/work between us.'

He saying 'I the mighty Man Earner have decided to go down to one day a week. To fund this you WILL go back x days and WILL earn x amount. Wifing is easy you slacker, I bet you just sit round drinking tea and watching jezza.'

Option one is discussing your future as a couple, being prepared to compromise. Option 2 is him deciding unilaterally to do something and only seeing the importance of the financial contribution, discounting the importance of the domestic side and imposing conditions on the op.

The power balance is totally wrong.

[Baffledonthisone]

There's either an OW on the scene and he's setting up an exit, or he's a horrible, horrible human being.

I agree. In our family it is one family, one pot.

ALL our income goes into the pot.
BOTH our input goes into the budgets and saving forecasts.

For better for worse, in sickness and in health and all that!

[Deranger01]

what AnyFucker said. If I were you op, I'd be putting a plan in place to re-train/up-skill so that I had good exciting career prospects when it's time to go back, so that you aren't sentenced to 30 years in a dead end job whilst he hits on his backside because you've had your fun looking after extremely tough under 5s. This sort of conversation would destroy my trust that my OH respected my contribution in any way, no?

[Baffledonthisone]

Should state there DH earns exactly double what I earn.

[Olympiathequeen]

You working 4 days to his 1 is just ridiculous and I think this is just him having a daydreaming moment for what he might enjoy in 5 years time. Men mostly don't appreciate that it isn't non stop leisure with young children but it is, once children start nursery and school, far easier than a full time stressful job with long hours (in my experience anyway).

If you have paid off your mortgage and have pensions and savings sorted out and don't have extravagant hobbies or holidays I think both of you can take advantage of DHs suggestion and have the best of both worlds.

DH has worked hard and provided well for the present and the future and I think he does deserve to take his foot off the pedal a bit.

It would make sense for you to work 2 days a week at a job you enjoy (very important) and for him to work 3 days with each of you being the sahp on your free days.

Surely that's a win win for all of you? The DC will have a parent at the beginning and the end of the school day and throughout the holidays instead of paying for childcare. You and DH will feel fulfilled jobwise and less stressed. You will still have enough money to live on and have modest holidays and you and DH will be ably to enjoy your weekends instead of being exhausted and stressed after a busy working week.

What's not to like?

[Deranger01]

i wouldn't rush back to work, but I would rush back to training in something that I wanted to do with the rest of my life. If you rushed back to any old job and got stuck there, that's not teaching him anything or recouping what you've lost in depreciated human capital.

[lljkk]

DH & I had a kind of similar history, he earned a lot & I was a SAHM for many yrs. The upshot is now, he works 1-2 days a week (PT, freelance, when kids are in school) & I work 4-5 days/week (regular office job). Our incomes are quite similar.

He does 90% of the domestic drudge. Only way it can work, and I am fine about it all, although I treasure my occasional school days off work.

[CripsSandwiches]

I think he would be totally reasonable if he said when you return to work he wants to cut back on his hours so he can spend more time with the children. What's unreasonable is expecting equal financial responsibilities once he's benefited from years of kids having no impact on his career all at the expense of yours.

[iremembericod]

Empathy head: He has probably reached a plateau at work and is reeling from that if this is so out of character. Once you have made enormous progress quickly, it can tail off and seem like you are stalling and you may start to panic.

Response to that is: talking and getting realistic. You both must be in your 30s and are already mortgage free and ready for your retirement. FFS chill out. You have everything you need already. Enjoy the moments and family - unless you are they type of people who never have 'enough'?

Harsh head: He's a sexist pig who places no value on your contribution.

Reality: Probably a mixture of both