Not sure how I can earn what DH suggests upon return to work

[HowcanIearnthis]

Apologies in advance for the length of this - trying not to drip feed.

DH is a high earner and has worked very hard for his whole adult life. About a year ago, I became a SAHP, but prior to that I had worked similar hours to DH. I am slightly younger than DH, so had not worked these hours for as many years. In addition, my profession is a bit lower paid than that of DH and frankly, he was unusually successful in his profession, whereas, whilst competent, I wasn't exceptionally successful in mine. As a result of his career success, we have had a comfortable lifestyle, paid off our mortgage and whilst we don't spend excessively (both of us being from quite frugal, sensible backgrounds), we have been extremely fortunate in that we haven't had particular money worries. I know that we are very, very lucky.

When I became a SAHP, this was a joint decision, although a contributory factor was my mental health and the impact on it of a horribly stressful job. Even today, one year on, I quite often find myself in tears and sweating at 3am about the situation I left. We decided that it would be best for all of us if I were to be a SAHP until all of our DC started school. We are now expecting DC2. DH says he still feels that it is best for all of us if I continue to be a SAHP for now. I was happy with this until very recently, having taken steps to protect my own financial position etc. DH's job is very demanding and it is true that I don't think he could do it if I were doing my old job and unable to be the "default" parent, as I am now. We live in an area with very little childcare provision and my returning to work would realistically mean DD being in childcare from 7 am to 7pm every day, which I would prefer to avoid if possible.

However, DH now says that when the DC start school (so in 5 years or so), we need to share the financial responsibility for our family down the middle. So far, so reasonable - I was very much intending to go back to work. We have worked out a budget as to what income we will need to meet our outgoings. However, what this means in practice is that from his high earning position, he will only need to work 1 day/week. Even when I manage to get back into the workplace, it will mean me having to work 5 days/week, because I will have disadvantaged myself so much in career terms. I feel that my being at home has directly contributed to this situation - increasing his earning potential massively and reducing my own - and that it would be fair to take account of this. I pointed out that if I made a unilateral decision that I was only going to "work" in looking after the DC 1 day a week from now on, he'd have serious difficulties. I feel that it would be fairer to, for example, work three days a week each, if such roles could be found. He says that he has worked hard for many years and deserves a break. I feel that I could say the same, but I have a (shared) responsibility to look after our kids financially and emotionally. Being at home with small children isn't a holiday and I feel that it's not fair for me to do all the years of wiping snot, night feeds and chasing poo around the bath and then for him to want to swap and be the SAHP once they're both in school and he can read his book on the sofa.

I'm also a bit upset because we have always had shared responsibilities and finances. He's an amazing father and he worships the ground DD walks on - he's not some sort of absent parent and I would never, ever have said that he was someone who shirked responsibility or was looking for a free ride on the domestic front. We are a family - we have always mucked in together. That's what families do, isn't it?!

AIBU?

[kittybiscuits]

Conception?

[EllenRipley]

Fuxsake, there are so many things wrong with his attitude I wouldn't know where to start I know several women who have given up their careers and earning potential to be the SAHP - all while their husbands enjoy and progress their careers. A family member did this and her husband walked out on her after 30years - he has no intention of 'compensating' her for what she gave up so he can now enjoy his £130k p/a income. She's 50 and will basically have to start again. I'm not saying this is the road you're on with your husband but please be very careful and resolute to nip this in the bud. His thinking is delusional and disrespectful. I was a SAHM for 6 years, in which time my partner has worked really hard to bring in a comfortable income. I'm now working p/t and bring in an additional 1k a month. As much as he'd like a rest there's no way he would expect that of me. We've talked about me increasing my income but he knows it's not fair or practical to expect me to replace his. You're arrangement til now has been for the benefit of your family and you've both made sacrifices, if he can't see that he's an arse!

[kittybiscuits]

When I have previously experienced this rather sudden shift where the H suddenly wants the SAHM to be ambitious and high-earning, it's because he's had his head turned by a 'career woman' and starts to make unfavourable comparisons.

[3luckystars]

But He won't be doing the childcare though will he? He will be doing his hobbies! I doubt that man has any intention of looking after the children in his 'time off'. I think this whole conversation was just to make her anxious and to be grateful that he allows her to stay home.

But I don't know them and could be totally wrong! Good luck op, i hope ye sort it all out.

[rookiemere]

Olympiathequeen - Yes I'd read that the OP and her DH had another conversation about it, but it doesn't eradicate him bringing it up in the first place, and now that she knows deep down how much he actually values her childcare contributions , I'd be very wary at taking him at his word.

Totally get both working p/t, think it's a great idea, wish we could have afforded to do that. So why doesn't he want to start it now - get all those precious baby and young child moments? Because it would be too much hard work on his part and would involve genuine 50/50 team work.

[EurusHolmesViolin]

Having school age children is a piece of cake if you are a SAHP. What childcare do you need to have organised? You are the childcare.

Yeah that's the point. Spice has made a somewhat, um, eccentric point saying there are loads of posts from people claiming SAHPing is harder when kids are school aged. This is clearly not the case, but what people do quite often say is that childcare is harder to organise at that age. As they're then too old for nurseries which cover 51 weeks a year 10 hours a day, albeit expensively. So sometimes people end up being SAHPs during the school years because childcare simply isn't available. And you still need quite a lot of it. We've not had to, but I can see how it happens.

I don't think it's relevant to this OP, it was just a charitable attempt to find a sensible spin in spice's post.

[Kleinzeit]

Both parents will work equal hours and be a sahp equal hours. ... Why can't people understand this basic conception?

Well, because it may or may not be realistic. My own profession has part-time posts, either advertised or negotiable. My DSIS's doesn't. So after she took some years off with the children she had to return full time. She took a pay cut beause of her time out and to find a post which didn't demand more than full-time hours, which is not so common in her line of work either. And even when part-time jobs are available they are often less well paid, less open to promotion and less secure than full-time My DSis worked her way back up, with some changes of company along the way, until some years later she was earning enough that her DH became SAHP because sometimes school-age children do need more support than they get from two parents both working long hours.

All of which may well affect the options open to the OP and her DH when they try to put their "fair" plan into practice. And which may leave the OP no better off because her DH seems to have very rigid (and rather self-serving) ideas about fairness, whether it's exactly equal income or exactly equal paid hours.

[Elendon]

It's not so much the childcare when they go to school, though the long summer months don't fly by, it's the extras that come with it.

Head lice for a start. Such a time consumer.

[nooka]

I don't really get the strength of feeling on this thread. My dh was a SAHD when our children were primary age and it gave me the freedom to pursue my career and was great for our children. He did everything at home, and if it wasn't for me having significant worries about our financial future (especially pensions etc) it would have worked very well.

I think he showed incredible naivety in thinking that the OP could walk into a high paying professional sort of job after many years out of the workforce, but that might come from a position of thinking that she is very talented and also not recognising that he has probably been very fortunate, plus being unaware of the price that most women pay for being out of the workforce when mothering - my dh on the other hand has pretty much caught up after five years out and three years in again. Not sure if that's because he is a guy or just sheer luck.

[JassyRadlett]

However, DH now says that when the DC start school (so in 5 years or so), we need to share the financial responsibility for our family down the middle. So far, so reasonable - I was very much intending to go back to work.

No, that is absolutely not reasonable at all.

I earn nearly twice what DH does. I do not expect him to work twice as many hours as I do so that we're making an 'equal' financial contribution, because that would be hideously unequal in terms of our respective non-financial contributions to family life.

We work (roughly) the same number of hours and we share childcare equally. I pay two thirds of family expenses and he pays a third, because that's fair based on our earnings. We have the same amount of time with the kids and the same opportunities for free/social time. We appreciate each other's contributions based on effort, not money.

Your DH sounds like the fact he is in a field the market rewards more than your field is something you should have to work extra hard to compensate for. Which is bizarre thinking.

[ChocolateWombat]

Open communication and caring enough about the other person and the family to find solutions that will be best and being willing to make some sacrifices are surely key to a good relationship......and the absence of some of these things is evident here.

OP and DH need to discuss honestly and openly together....there can't be anyone telling anyone else what they must do.
Both OP and DH need to be honest about their needs and have the care and kindness form each other to accept that sometimes one person will need to do more than 50% of the load carrying for a while.....and to do it willingly for the good of the family and because they love that person. If OP has mental health problems then DH may need to shoulder more of the load. If DH is having problems, she might need to step up. Crucially, there shouldn't be this totting up what each person has contributed and a sense of oweing into to the future because the other person did more in the past. Surely loving relationships don't work like that.

Op says its discussed and sorted. Good. Developing a relationship where they talk openly and honestly and are qual partners, both aiming for the good of the family, not just themselves seem to be the way forward now.