Not sure how I can earn what DH suggests upon return to work

[HowcanIearnthis]

Apologies in advance for the length of this - trying not to drip feed.

DH is a high earner and has worked very hard for his whole adult life. About a year ago, I became a SAHP, but prior to that I had worked similar hours to DH. I am slightly younger than DH, so had not worked these hours for as many years. In addition, my profession is a bit lower paid than that of DH and frankly, he was unusually successful in his profession, whereas, whilst competent, I wasn't exceptionally successful in mine. As a result of his career success, we have had a comfortable lifestyle, paid off our mortgage and whilst we don't spend excessively (both of us being from quite frugal, sensible backgrounds), we have been extremely fortunate in that we haven't had particular money worries. I know that we are very, very lucky.

When I became a SAHP, this was a joint decision, although a contributory factor was my mental health and the impact on it of a horribly stressful job. Even today, one year on, I quite often find myself in tears and sweating at 3am about the situation I left. We decided that it would be best for all of us if I were to be a SAHP until all of our DC started school. We are now expecting DC2. DH says he still feels that it is best for all of us if I continue to be a SAHP for now. I was happy with this until very recently, having taken steps to protect my own financial position etc. DH's job is very demanding and it is true that I don't think he could do it if I were doing my old job and unable to be the "default" parent, as I am now. We live in an area with very little childcare provision and my returning to work would realistically mean DD being in childcare from 7 am to 7pm every day, which I would prefer to avoid if possible.

However, DH now says that when the DC start school (so in 5 years or so), we need to share the financial responsibility for our family down the middle. So far, so reasonable - I was very much intending to go back to work. We have worked out a budget as to what income we will need to meet our outgoings. However, what this means in practice is that from his high earning position, he will only need to work 1 day/week. Even when I manage to get back into the workplace, it will mean me having to work 5 days/week, because I will have disadvantaged myself so much in career terms. I feel that my being at home has directly contributed to this situation - increasing his earning potential massively and reducing my own - and that it would be fair to take account of this. I pointed out that if I made a unilateral decision that I was only going to "work" in looking after the DC 1 day a week from now on, he'd have serious difficulties. I feel that it would be fairer to, for example, work three days a week each, if such roles could be found. He says that he has worked hard for many years and deserves a break. I feel that I could say the same, but I have a (shared) responsibility to look after our kids financially and emotionally. Being at home with small children isn't a holiday and I feel that it's not fair for me to do all the years of wiping snot, night feeds and chasing poo around the bath and then for him to want to swap and be the SAHP once they're both in school and he can read his book on the sofa.

I'm also a bit upset because we have always had shared responsibilities and finances. He's an amazing father and he worships the ground DD walks on - he's not some sort of absent parent and I would never, ever have said that he was someone who shirked responsibility or was looking for a free ride on the domestic front. We are a family - we have always mucked in together. That's what families do, isn't it?!

AIBU?

[NoSquirrels]

But, him earning enough for you to stay at home now isn't something you need to be grateful for at the expense of your own future self. If he'd earned less you'd still work & you both would have to share the domestic & childcare stuff more equally. The power balance in your relationship wouldn't be out of whack like it sounds now. Fine he pays lip service to what you do, but he really doesn't sound like he appreciates it in the long term.

Fine if he wants to slow down in a few years. But only if he'd afford you the privilege of the advantages you've given him. Tell him fine, but he'll be the parent on call for everything at that point, and you'll no expect to take days off from your new career to juggle domestic arrangements- that'll all be on him at that point. And mean it.

You don't sound cross & I'm not sure why not?

[ATailofTwoKitties]

Look, just to point out the bleeding' obvious: what he said doesn't have to be what is agreed. You are his equal partner. You can say no.

On the other hand, when the children are school age you may find you have had enough of being at home, and would prefer to hand him the full-time responsibility, four days of the week, for their bookbags, nit combing, school dress-up days, homework, packed lunches, emergency Greek Feasts, parents' evenings, doctor's/dentists/optician's/therapist's appointments and jolly Maths catch-up sessions.

He might suddenly have a re-think if you say, 'You mean, if I decide to go back to full-time work, you'll do everything on the domestic front like I do now? Oh thank you darling! It'll be like having a free full-time nanny and housekeeper. Brilliant!'

[Velvian]

So he wants to take advantage of all of the disadvanteges you have had??
This is BS; it's a threat that he is unlikely to carry out. If he's worked these hours all of his working life then he is unlikely to stop wanting the recognition and financial rewards it brings.
If im being really charitable it's wishful thinking/grass is greener stuff, but as he's dictating things about your future i think it's a threat to keep you in line and grateful.
Nip it in the bud.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

I also fully appreciate that if we had both been earning about what I was on before I resigned then we probably couldn't have afforded the luxury of my staying home. He has earned an unusual amount and has put us into a very fortunate position re: retirement, savings, etc. More so than I could have imagined when we were younger

Do you do his washing, cleaning, present buying, organising maintenance, bill-paying, errand running and all of those things (as well as bringing up the children he contributed half his DNA to)? Because if you did, you helped and supported him to put you both in that very fortunate position. It fucks me the hell off when men don't recognise this contribution and the positive effect it has on them by allowing them to devote all their energies to their careers and to making money (if they do). Without your contribution, even minus the kids, he'd be run ragged and likely his health would have suffered too (says the female voice of experience who often wants an old-fashioned wife). Seriously ... without you he'd be coming home from work, throwing whatever he could on to eat, or eating out and his leisure time would be full of cleaning and other necessary life crap. Either this or he would have to (drum roll) PAY SOMEONE to do what you do, thus denting his income.

[NoSquirrels]

Cross-post with your "cross" post

Hope he comes home having realised he's being a total arse.

[HowcanIearnthis]

NoSquirrels, we have discussed it at some length this morning. But I am trying to be reasonable so that when I show him this thread, I have laid the facts out in an objective manner, rather than having a rant.

[VladmirsPoutine]

This idea of divorce being the panacea for all and every marital problem is really unique to Mumsnet. Totally bizarre.

[2014newme]

I didn't see it as unreasonable to be honest. You have been a sahm for five years now he,wants to swap and have that opportunity himself. He will continue to work a day a week.
How is it unfair?
If you can't work on medical grounds that's a different issue. But saying actually let's swap is not unreasonable.

[Teaholic]

He is so unrealistic. And he's also very entitled to put his feet up at your expense, as though you're not working hard! he sees you as a liability not an asset and that would infuriate me.

If he can't be made to see that he is 1) being very unrealistic expecting you to earn the same amount after being out of the workplace for years, and that 2) you're not freeloading off him, you're working hard and making a sacrifice, then I would just separate now. The finances, the relationship. Get him to take the children half the week so he can figure out childcare and you can throw yourself back in to a rich and rewarding life that has time for friends, interests, family, career, health, leisure, relaxation.

[HowcanIearnthis]

I'm not going to be getting divorced. He is a lovely man and a great dad and I love him very much. I am just a bit stunned at this conversation! It is really, really out of character, honestly.

[2014newme]

Sounds like he needs a break. Fair enough. There's a compromise there somewhere but he isn't being unreasonable.

[HowcanIearnthis]

2014, my point is that being a SAHM when the kids are little and demanding and full time is a very different prospect to doing it when they are out of the house and in school all day.

[TheInimitableMrsFanshawe]

I'm flabbergasted that anyone clever enough to do the sort of high-paying job that allows you to pay off the mortgage can't see how absolutely bloody ridiculous his suggestion is. It beggars belief (I'm not saying I don't believe you, it's just that ludicrous).

What did he say when you handed him his arse on a plate?

[early30smum]

Totally you ANBU. This is never going to work. Also, would his highly paid job even allow him to go part time? And you having a career gap presumably means it'll be difficult for you to suddenly find a great, full time job? It's crazy he expects you to give up your career, spend years raising both your kids and then when they're both at school at you finally have a bit of time to yourself he gets to be at home 4 days a week and you have to work 5?! Not on.

[AnyFucker]

Why are you showing him this thread ?

[Damselindestress]

Have you tried adding up exactly what would've been spent on childcare if you hadn't been a SAHM and pointing out that by handling the childcare you have actually saved the family money and contributed to him achieving his career goals?

Also point out that your children need consistency and routine and it would probably be more beneficial for them if you returned to work part time at first, since they are used to you being at home. You can always reevaluate down the road when you are more established in your career and the children are more independent.

He is BU to expect you to contribute exactly equally when you have lesser earning potential, partly as a result of taking time out of the workplace to raise your DC and support his career. Contributions should be based on income not 50/50 when one person earns much more! I hope he realises that.

[YouCannotPossiblyBeHungry]

There's a perception that things become straightforward when children start school but in reality it isn't that easy. Apart from the 12 weeks school holidays a year to cover you would still need after school childcare and perhaps pre school childcare too if you're working full-time. And you need contingency arrangements if the children are poorly. I'm sorry but I think your DH is being wholly unreasonable.

[early30smum]

The thing about being a SAHP when kids are not in full time school and when they are is totally true. SAHP with little ones at home-hard work. SAHP with school age kids and not working at all- a walk in the park if you ask me!! Obviously it can still be hard, things happen, if your other half is working long hours etc BUT it's nothing like either working full time or being a SAHP of little ones.

[ChocolateWombat]

These kind of things need to be discussed,mrather than one person TELLING the other what needs to happen.
It sounds to me like you are rather subservient in this relationship and that it is on his sayso, that you are a SAHM or a worker, full time or otherwise. All sounds rather odd and controlling.

It may well be that you both AGREE that you will or need to return to work for financial reasons. However, to insist that either party must bring in half of the household income is ridiculous...you are meant to be a partnership, supporting each other. And when person has more earning potential than the other, they may well contribute more and that is fine. Equally, it isn't even necessary for both to work the same number of hours and the idea of totting up the overall effort put into life overall to ensure an exactly even split sounds petty and mean spirited and totally unecessary. So what that you don't have to get up in the night now - that doesn't mean you 'bank' less effort points into the family account and now 'owe' DH either financially or in terms of doing something else to earn those points.

I agree that MN is far to quick to say LTB and get a divorce. There is no need in most cases. However, I do think you are your DH need to have a talk, not only about the work and financial issue, but also about the balance in your relationship and the sense that he is telling you what to do, rather than you discussing together and deciding what works best for your family. Stress that you can be a great family and everyone can be pulling their weight without equal financial contribution, without equal paid work hours and without having to total up effort levels overall - loving someone involves NOT doing this, but wanting the best for them. If you've struggled with work before, he should recognise and acknowledge that and it should be a factor in decision making.

[Somerville]

DH now says that when the DC start school (so in 5 years or so), we need to share the financial responsibility for our family down the middle.

Why when they are both at school? Why not now??

Tell him to go part-time now, and that you'll go part time once you've had the baby and had a maternity leave period. You can each have 2.5 days of being the SAHP and equally split the housework and childcare down the middle.

I bet he goes pale and starts stammering.

Then you can point out that he wants you to take time out of your career when there is fucking masses to be done at home, and to take time out of his own career when the kids are at school and he can be a man of leisure. Where does fairness come into that?

He's either had a complete mad moment as a result of some work stress or something and he will apologise abjectly, or - more likely (sorry) - he's a complete twat.

[NoSquirrels]

Then my earlier point still stands - tell him you need to go back sooner rather than later, and he can wind down now ... he can ease in with 4 days a week at work & one day with the 2 DC next year, increasing his days at home more as you work more.

If he's a high earner, he can work less sooner and you can go back sooner. He'll get precious time with the DC.

His plan is crap. Tell him you both need to find a new plan and it's not about just figures on a spreadsheet.

[Morphene]

Oh thank god for that OP I am so glad this is actually IABU to have read DH the riot act.

and YANBU.

[IntoTheDeep]

The only way it's ever reasonable and fair for spouses to split financial responsibility for the family down the middle is if both spouses are financially equal e.g. both earning the same salary.

This isn't the case here, even before a career break, which will, as pp point out, mean that you're almost certainly going to have to restart at a lower salary when you do return to work.

It does sound like he's not really valuing the contribution you being a SAHP is making to your family and his career.

[honeylulu]

As a PP says, him wanting to swap roles to some extent is not necessarily unreasonable. (Although he really doesn't seem to have thought through the logic of his earning power being so much greater, or how the domestic/ childcare burden will be shared fairly - it is NOT an easy ride when they start school- its actually much more complicated than nursery add yoy have to plan for before school, after school and they are on holiday every bloody 6 weeks plus inset days!)

What disturbs me most about this is his notion that you are expected to "pay him back" for the financial support that showed you to be a sahm. It doesn't work like that!

You don't want a divorce and fair enough. But there's no harm in pointing out that you'd actually be much better off divorced than in the type of arrangement he is proposing, just by sty of illustration.

[Jooni]

Madness. And insulting, degrading, entitled madness at that.

At least what he's proposing is not remotely feasible OP. I'd still be horrified that he's thinking like this though. Maybe you should suggest to him that he take extended paternity leave when the new DC arrives and he can share the "break" you're currently enjoying