Not sure how I can earn what DH suggests upon return to work

[HowcanIearnthis]

Apologies in advance for the length of this - trying not to drip feed.

DH is a high earner and has worked very hard for his whole adult life. About a year ago, I became a SAHP, but prior to that I had worked similar hours to DH. I am slightly younger than DH, so had not worked these hours for as many years. In addition, my profession is a bit lower paid than that of DH and frankly, he was unusually successful in his profession, whereas, whilst competent, I wasn't exceptionally successful in mine. As a result of his career success, we have had a comfortable lifestyle, paid off our mortgage and whilst we don't spend excessively (both of us being from quite frugal, sensible backgrounds), we have been extremely fortunate in that we haven't had particular money worries. I know that we are very, very lucky.

When I became a SAHP, this was a joint decision, although a contributory factor was my mental health and the impact on it of a horribly stressful job. Even today, one year on, I quite often find myself in tears and sweating at 3am about the situation I left. We decided that it would be best for all of us if I were to be a SAHP until all of our DC started school. We are now expecting DC2. DH says he still feels that it is best for all of us if I continue to be a SAHP for now. I was happy with this until very recently, having taken steps to protect my own financial position etc. DH's job is very demanding and it is true that I don't think he could do it if I were doing my old job and unable to be the "default" parent, as I am now. We live in an area with very little childcare provision and my returning to work would realistically mean DD being in childcare from 7 am to 7pm every day, which I would prefer to avoid if possible.

However, DH now says that when the DC start school (so in 5 years or so), we need to share the financial responsibility for our family down the middle. So far, so reasonable - I was very much intending to go back to work. We have worked out a budget as to what income we will need to meet our outgoings. However, what this means in practice is that from his high earning position, he will only need to work 1 day/week. Even when I manage to get back into the workplace, it will mean me having to work 5 days/week, because I will have disadvantaged myself so much in career terms. I feel that my being at home has directly contributed to this situation - increasing his earning potential massively and reducing my own - and that it would be fair to take account of this. I pointed out that if I made a unilateral decision that I was only going to "work" in looking after the DC 1 day a week from now on, he'd have serious difficulties. I feel that it would be fairer to, for example, work three days a week each, if such roles could be found. He says that he has worked hard for many years and deserves a break. I feel that I could say the same, but I have a (shared) responsibility to look after our kids financially and emotionally. Being at home with small children isn't a holiday and I feel that it's not fair for me to do all the years of wiping snot, night feeds and chasing poo around the bath and then for him to want to swap and be the SAHP once they're both in school and he can read his book on the sofa.

I'm also a bit upset because we have always had shared responsibilities and finances. He's an amazing father and he worships the ground DD walks on - he's not some sort of absent parent and I would never, ever have said that he was someone who shirked responsibility or was looking for a free ride on the domestic front. We are a family - we have always mucked in together. That's what families do, isn't it?!

AIBU?

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Well after your last post it isn't quite as bad, as he said he acknowledged he may have to work more than one or two days.

But I still thinks he's being awful to even suggest he works one day while you work full time, considering you've had Mental health issues due to work and are still suffering!

[BarbarianMum]

Hand him an itemised bill for all the work you do with the children/at home. Save that money towards your share of childcare when you start work.

Or tell him you are going back to work once dc2 is 6 months and he will be responsible for 50% of all the work needing doing with the kids/the house from this point - including nursery drop offs/pick ups, taking time off for sick kids, cooking for them, washing for them, taking them to the doctor/dentist/hairdresser and on and on. Then watch him backtrack.

[NameChange30]

Jesus fucking Christ. If my DH said that shit to me I'd tell him to fuck right off.

He's not some kind of God because he has the good fortune to be in a high-paying job. It's partly thanks to his hard work but it's also down to luck and the fact that you've supported his career by doing the childcare as a SAHM.

We live in a capitalist, patriarchal society in which people don't get paid equally and fairly for the work they do. A female nurse could work several times harder than a male CEO and earn a fraction what he does.

How on earth could you argue that an "equal" contribution to the household means contributing an equal amount of money when there is that kind of discrepancy in earnings?! Of course we all need to earn money but there is also value in doing a job that you enjoy and find rewarding - and for you in particular, a job that will do more good than harm to your mental health.

Contribution to the family is so much more than just financial too. There's childcare, housework, admin, organisation, emotional labour - all the "wifework".

[C8H10N4O2]

So let me check my understanding here - you have made all the career/financial sacrifices and been the default parent, the night parent, the sick day parent, the company wife parent during the exhausting baby/toddler years but as soon as the going gets slightly easier he wants you to work all the hours so that he can put his metaphorical feet up?

When do you get to put your metaphorical feet up?

[NameChange30]

How supportive is he about your mental health issues? Has he contributed to them at all by making you feel less worthy because he has this well-paid job and you don't?

[SingingInTheRainstorm]

I don't mean to sound horrid, but say you were to split today, a judge would say you contributed to the family as a SAHM. Saving thousands on childcare plus transport fees.
If you return to work in 5 years as DH proposes, then it shouldn't be weighed on money, but each putting equal hours in & him recognising being a Mum and having so long off work, it's unlikely you'll secure a super amazing job. Unless you haven't been to Uni in which case you could retrain.
That is another thought, I don't know what you enjoy, but the government is funding second degrees in certain areas so you can teach. Although financially if DH earns big bucks, I don't know if that affects the tuition fee loan etc. But if he were to cut down his hours, you could study as you have the security of him at home parenting so you can go to lectures.
If you have no mortgage and assuming minimal debts, I'm guessing DH has a good pension fund, plus you have joint savings. In which case why is it important you earn so much, unless you are looking to move and get a mortgage which would strap you down for so many years.
Can I ask how old you are, roughly? I was thinking a suggestion could be that you and DH both work part time so you get time spent together, coparenting and doing things you enjoy.
Money isn't the be all and end all, if you're comfy, can't you save so you have adequate savings until retirement, with you both working the same to add extra to the kitty. As it'll be a big shock going from parenting to full time work. I would advocate that you think about what you'd like to do, so in the next few years you can retrain when DC2 is 2 years old, giving you time to get any qualifications.
I think it does sound unfair that he's expecting you just jump in the deep end, whilst he stands in the shallow end having to put in minimal work. Just because he's working doesn't mean the effort you put in is any less.
It sounds like you were miserable in your prior career, is there anything that takes your fancy like teaching, or something else you've daydreamed about?

[TheSmurfsAreHere]

Well there is a few there.
1- you became a SAHM because you were ill. Is he really saying that he has done a favour by supporting you in ill health??
2- he can only do the job he is doing now because you are SAHM. Would he be ready to do the same for you, i.e. Do all the night feeds and the job he himself says is hard work and w Ups struggle to do? I suspect not as he is carefully saying he wants to separate budget in half and work only one day a week only whenthe dcs will both be school age. Yep, only when he won't have to look after then all day long, when tantrums will have eased off etc...
3- on the other side, yuan have accepted to take a dip in your career. Going back to your old job after such a long period wo working will be difficult and not fianancially easy. Is he saying that the sacrifice yu have done is worth nothing at all?

Tbh I think he is just jealous of what he sees as an easy ride.
He is also very entitled (see the talking about 'deserving a break too')
And he knows that he doesn't want to do the stuff you have done so far, the hard work of looking after a baby/toddler with all the issues it creates, incl the boredom.
What he is doing is disguising his wish for an easy ride whilst you are doing all the hard work under the te reasonnable idea of 'properly splitting the finances half and half'. Leaving you the responsibility to look after the dcs whilst they are harder work and little and then asking you to work full time whilst he is 'having a break'.
If he really had wanted to do, he should have stepped up when yu had your first child, moved to a part time job or worked less hours so 1- the DC would have been in childcare 7.00 till 7.00 and 2- you were in a better position to carry on working and be promoted etc...
Otherwise the default position is NOT to split everything half and half.

Seriously he is being a twat there.

[TheSmurfsAreHere]

How his solution to work 2 days instead of one is NOT a practical solution!!

Please don't let him convince you of that.

What he is proposing is STILL for him to have an easy ride when the dcs are school and out his feet up whilst you will STILL be working your arse off by trying to fit 5 days into 4.

So yu will have worked hard looking after the dcs when they are young and then hard once they are at school.
He will have worked hard when they are young and then.... put his feet up and take it easy.
How can that be fair???

[Headofthehive55]

A lot of people think the hard work is done when they go to school. However, it's not.
Perhaps have the conversation about he will have to drop things and rush home when child is ill, or school closes early.
The housework increases.
When the times comes he will realise it will have an impact on him and he won't want to. Start training now. Or plan to. Therefore you can have conversations about dropping children off at nursery etc. I bet he will backtrack.

[LightTripper]

The whole premise of doing things 50/50 only works if that has been the plan all along and you both earn similar amounts and have similar wishes in terms of spending.

OH and I (not married) do split all our costs (childcare, mortgage, etc.) 50/50 at the moment even though he earns more than I do. However:
a) we both earn enough that we can still have spending money and save for pensions etc.
b) when I have been on mat leave with the children he has paid me half of my lost earnings (i.e. half the difference between my salary and mat pay).
c) he knows that if he wants to move to a bigger house (which he sometimes talks about) or put the kids through private school long-term, or start taking them on ski-ing holidays or something else expensive that I don't value so much then he will need to put in a bit more for that because those aren't things I would choose to spend money on given my lower earnings.

It works for us at the moment, but I can't imagine him ever suggesting we should still be going 50/50 on expenses if the outcome of that was him working 1 day a week and me working 5: that's just not fair when up until now you have both been going flat out. If that is really what he thought the plan should be he should have discussed it with you before you decided to have kids, not now you are already off the career ladder and have already invested so much time and energy in child raising. Although he says he values the work you do at home, it does feel like somewhere deep down he sees this period as "time off" for you.

I do wonder, like a previous poster, if the pressure of being a sole earner in a high powered job is getting on top of him a bit and making him unreasonable if he is lovely in other ways (a bit of a mid-life crisis?). I know I felt very burnt out before my first mat leave and wonder how long I would have been able to continue for without that change of scene. I've enjoyed work a lot more since going back.

Maybe some counselling or life coaching would help him figure out what he really wants and how he can get it without putting you in a horrible situation? It sounds like he has a really good job, so there should be some flexibility to solve this problem in other ways if he is getting burnt out: e.g. maybe a sabbatical or finding some way to bring your costs down a bit, or maybe once your next baby is a bit older you could try to find something part time and he could come down to a 4 day week, if that's possible in his industry, using nursery to bridge any childcare gap for a day or two a week, so that he has some "end in sight" rather than feeling like he has to run like hell for the next 5 years and then totally collapse to barely working at all.

Basically, his problem may be real, but his solution is not reasonable!

[seafoodeatit]

This is why I don't agree with the mentality of who contributes what percentage and separate finances, I'm a sahm but I'm not financially worthless and neither is my contribution, if I keeled over or walked out DH would need to stump up for £2k a month at least for childcare alone, let alone looking after the house and cooking.

You going out to work because you want to or circumstanes demand is one thing, him feeling you somehow owe to it him is another, I would tell my DH to fuck off if he said something like that.

[Trifleorbust]

Oh my good god. So if yo could only earn minimum wage would he expect you to work 100 hours a week to 'match' his earnings? He sounds like a bully, or unstable.

[redexpat]

It isn't fair to spilt expenses 50/50 unless you both have the same earning potential. He has better earning potential than you do so he should contribute more. If he earns twice as much as you, then he should contribute twice as much as you (so split in 3 parts, you pay one, he pays two).

It is particularly unrealistic when we know that the gender pay gap really kicks in after a woman has had children. If you have been out of the workforce it is harder to get back in. He has more than 5 years of experience on you, so is further in his career, and will therefore have greater earning potential.

Or you go the other direction and have completely joint finances. All money is family money.

[HowcanIearnthis]

Actually, it was that I proposed trying to find something to let me spread 4 days over 5, so that I could still pick the DC up sometimes and have the evenings with them. I know this sort of job is like unicorns' teeth but we were talking ideal scenarios.

I suppose I just feel that when we decided that I would become a SAHP, and he would continue to work and see less of DD, it was something that we discussed over and over and over again and agreed upon. It wasn't an announcement that I made to him of how I thought things should be. I am very aware that he gets to see less of DD than I do and that that must be tough for him. However, on that basis, I have pointed out that it would be unreasonable for me to be sent off to be a parent who barely sees her DC without that being something that we agreed between us. The 4 days spread over 5 seemed to be a compromise.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I have no words, right now, beyond...

He is not 'a lovely man'.

[LightTripper]

Oh yeah, of course the other condition of everything being 50/50 is that EVERYTHING is 50/50. My OH does at least half the laundry, pretty much all the washing up, he does bedtimes (I do breakfast/getting up) while I cook dinner and do the online shop and any shopping needed for DD. If DD is sick then I get up for her 11pm-3am and then he gets up for her 3am-7am, so we both get an interrupted night (but both get some sleep!)

If it's going to be 50/50 then it can't just apply to finances. I just don't think he's thought this through properly.

[KathArtic]

very recently, having taken steps to protect my own financial position etc

What do you mean by this, and has this triggered his (now unreasonable) response?

[amidawish]

i'd be wondering where this has come from tbh.
is he cracking up?

if you're so financially comfortable can't he reduce his workload now? why does it require you to "match" his contribution.

i would be FURIOUS if dh pulled something like this on me. It would be so out of character. We are a TEAM.

[HowcanIearnthis]

Honestly now, Annie, I swear to you that he is, which is why I am so stunned. Everything - finances, childcare responsibilities - have always been shared very reasonably and with lots of discussion. This is so out of character. He is genuinely none of the things mentioned here - not controlling, nor a bully, honestly. He is a very nice man. I think he has been working in a very highly paid industry for a long time where people retiring in their forties is the norm. I am trying to explain that that is quite unusual in other industries.

[Orangetoffee]

You say he is an amazing father, what does he do that makes him so amazing?

[NameChange30]

People retiring in their 40s might be the "norm" in his industry but is it also the "norm" for these people to insist their partners go back to work full time (after supporting the family as a SAHP for years) to enable this early retirement?!

If he's been earning such a huge amount and paid off the mortgage and got a huge pension then you (as a family) won't need another source of income will you?!

[Mamia15]

I wonder if he had his head turned by a female colleague, probably someone who is high flying?

[reuset]

To be fair to him, he then said that we would see what job I could find (perhaps in an ideal world, trying to find a role that allowed me to do something like 4 days over 5, so that I could still see the kids a bit) and how much I could bring in and then he might end up having to do more than 1/2 days a week to make up the difference



The 'nice man' isn't evident to me. And what sort of job does he do where he can drop to one or maybe two days? Is he freelance, self employed? And how highly paid are we talking about?

[Bantanddec]

He's being unrealistic, if he indeed has this high flying career he must be pretty smart, but from how hes suggested you go about these joint financial arrangements he doesn't sound very clever at all!! However you pretty much sound like you'll let his bullshit slide because he's daddy of the year!!

[lottiegarbanzo]

However, DH now says that when the DC start school (so in 5 years or so), we need to share the financial responsibility for our family down the middle. So far, so reasonable NO, no it isn't the slightest bit reasonable HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT IT IS???

Reasonable is splitting the total of all work, inside and outside the home, down the middle, in terms of hours worked. (It's the old MN 'equal leisure time' mantra. I'd throw in a reminder about equal personal expenditure too).

Reasonable is him feeling a bit burnt out after years in a high-stress career and wanting to look at ways to scale back a bit - so discussing the financial implications and possibilities with you.

TELLING you to go and work full time to he can take advantage of the children being at school to pursue his hobbies (which may require financial input) is not the slightest bit reasonable.

That would be you working full time (and more during the night-waking years) forever, while he effectively takes early retirement. 'Oh I'll just keep my hand in a day a week, doing the high paid contract work / bits I like' is what fortunate retired people do.

Yes, school-age children require some support, admin, feeding and the house needs cleaning but (as a parent of a school-age child) NO WAY is that equivalent to the relentless full time, every minute of the day role of the SAHP parent to a baby or toddler. It affords a vast swathe of time in the middle of every day to do with as one wishes - oh look, I'm here.

I think you need to talk and listen to him about what the issue is with his work at the moment. Is it general burn out? Has he experienced a set-back and is reacting badly? Especially likely if he's had a charmed career to date and has no prior experience of dealing with failure. Has he realised there is nowhere further to go in his firm / industry (that interests him) and that in five years he'll be doing the same thing and be bored / have lost his 'dynamic success' identity? Bit of a mid-life crisis? Or has he been struck by a case of grass is greener envy, without thinking through the practicalities? Or something else.

If he does want to go part time and you do want to go back to work, the sooner the better (for his wellbeing, if he's experiencing stress now and for your future earning prospects).

Take a period of 'mat leave' then find a job. You may well have to take a FT job initially, as most are advertised that way, most PT arrangements are reserved for existing, valued staff e.g. long-term employees returning from mat leave. So you might need paid child care for the days he's working. But, as you settle back in and become able to progress, or ask for flexible arrangements, things will get easier.

That would mean a tricky couple of years with the lowest amount of income plus childcare expenditure but, it would get you re-established in the workplace, so by the time both DCs are at school, your household would be in a more favourable position over all and you might have enough flexibility not to need after-school childcare.

Or wait and accept a limited choice of low-paid FT jobs, at least initially.