Not sure how I can earn what DH suggests upon return to work

[HowcanIearnthis]

Apologies in advance for the length of this - trying not to drip feed.

DH is a high earner and has worked very hard for his whole adult life. About a year ago, I became a SAHP, but prior to that I had worked similar hours to DH. I am slightly younger than DH, so had not worked these hours for as many years. In addition, my profession is a bit lower paid than that of DH and frankly, he was unusually successful in his profession, whereas, whilst competent, I wasn't exceptionally successful in mine. As a result of his career success, we have had a comfortable lifestyle, paid off our mortgage and whilst we don't spend excessively (both of us being from quite frugal, sensible backgrounds), we have been extremely fortunate in that we haven't had particular money worries. I know that we are very, very lucky.

When I became a SAHP, this was a joint decision, although a contributory factor was my mental health and the impact on it of a horribly stressful job. Even today, one year on, I quite often find myself in tears and sweating at 3am about the situation I left. We decided that it would be best for all of us if I were to be a SAHP until all of our DC started school. We are now expecting DC2. DH says he still feels that it is best for all of us if I continue to be a SAHP for now. I was happy with this until very recently, having taken steps to protect my own financial position etc. DH's job is very demanding and it is true that I don't think he could do it if I were doing my old job and unable to be the "default" parent, as I am now. We live in an area with very little childcare provision and my returning to work would realistically mean DD being in childcare from 7 am to 7pm every day, which I would prefer to avoid if possible.

However, DH now says that when the DC start school (so in 5 years or so), we need to share the financial responsibility for our family down the middle. So far, so reasonable - I was very much intending to go back to work. We have worked out a budget as to what income we will need to meet our outgoings. However, what this means in practice is that from his high earning position, he will only need to work 1 day/week. Even when I manage to get back into the workplace, it will mean me having to work 5 days/week, because I will have disadvantaged myself so much in career terms. I feel that my being at home has directly contributed to this situation - increasing his earning potential massively and reducing my own - and that it would be fair to take account of this. I pointed out that if I made a unilateral decision that I was only going to "work" in looking after the DC 1 day a week from now on, he'd have serious difficulties. I feel that it would be fairer to, for example, work three days a week each, if such roles could be found. He says that he has worked hard for many years and deserves a break. I feel that I could say the same, but I have a (shared) responsibility to look after our kids financially and emotionally. Being at home with small children isn't a holiday and I feel that it's not fair for me to do all the years of wiping snot, night feeds and chasing poo around the bath and then for him to want to swap and be the SAHP once they're both in school and he can read his book on the sofa.

I'm also a bit upset because we have always had shared responsibilities and finances. He's an amazing father and he worships the ground DD walks on - he's not some sort of absent parent and I would never, ever have said that he was someone who shirked responsibility or was looking for a free ride on the domestic front. We are a family - we have always mucked in together. That's what families do, isn't it?!

AIBU?

[VivDeering]

Tell him that his idea is sooo great you should start sooner. Say that from Monday you will be splitting running the household 50:50. As you don't go out to work, you'll be able to get your 50% done in one day. Therefore, you'll only be parenting on a Monday. He can do the other four days. Tell him this continues until DC2 is at school, and then you can go with his idea of splitting financial responsibility 50%.

What a dick.

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

What bumpsadaisy said. Your H seems to be confusing remuneration and effort. Which is bonkers. He has benefited massively by you bring home to pick up the slack and be the default patent, enabling him to put in the hours and get promoted. Fair enough if he wants to go part time, but it's grossly unfair for him to insist you match his earnings while working 4 times as hard! A fair compromise would be 2.5 days working each.

[HowcanIearnthis]

Of course I am very, very aware of his mental health, especially after last year and how stressed I was - I'm not a monster. I have suggested to him numerous times that he cut down his hours/do a lower stress role. We are extremely lucky to be in a position where our income is greater than our immediate needs and I am a huge advocate of making sure that your job allows you time to go for a walk in the sunshine at weekends, and read a book in the evenings etc. For much of (both) our working lives, our jobs didn't allow those things - they involved very late nights and lots of weekends working. Returning early from holidays, cancelling attendance at family parties etc - it's a bit of a cliche. DD and I would love to see more of him. I don't care if he's a dustman as long as we can be happy. Last year taught me that in spades. I don't ever want any of us to go back there. It was awful.

[Talith]

The sooner you return the higher the earning potential you can recover. I agree with those who suggest bringing the arrangement forward. So six months after next babe arrives you'll go back full time and he can be the sahp. If he wavers on this then he obviously was hoping for an easy life.

[FetchezLaVache]

Being generous, I'd say that he's tired and stressed and less generously, possibly resentful of all the times you're still in your dressing gown when he leaves for work and wants a better balance. Maybe he was just thinking aloud and hasn't really thought through the details, such as how you are both going to find these magic jobs that pay the amount you each want to earn for the exact number of hours you each want to work. Let's say he mentioned when the kids are both at school for this change to take effect because he feels it's you they need more than him in these early years, rather than that he wants to be SAHD when it's a whole lot easier.

However, unless you are planning to educate your children privately, I don't see the need for all this emphasis on money when you are mortgage-free and presumably have healthy pension and savings pots. I know you can never have too much money, but what on earth was the point of all the frugality if not to take the pressure off both of you, rather than take turns with it?

[Trifleorbust]

and less generously, possibly resentful of all the times you're still in your dressing gown when he leaves for work

I get this. I understand that my DH, leaving for work every day at 6am while I am asleep in bed and in my pyjamas, probably feels a bit of resentment, especially in the cold and the dark.

But he isn't up at 3 or 5am when I am feeding and changing our baby, and he isn't there to see it at 11am when I am still in my pyjamas because I was feeding and changing our baby!

I know you weren't arguing otherwise, but the OP's DH needs to be educated a little in what being a SAHP is - a privilege, yes, but not a break!

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

We share the responsibilities down the middle, we both have exactly the same amount of spare cash left to spend on ourselves each month. Every other penny goes into the joint account.
That was my OHs solution as he earns twice as much as me.

[MycatsaPirate]

I think maybe when your second dc is a few months old you should find a job - any job and let him become a SAHP - so he gets to do feeds, nappy changes, juggling a 3 year old, housework, shopping and cooking and cleaning. Oh and laundry, you'll be wanting all your work clothes ironed and a nice lunch prepped for the next day.

If he wants time at home with the kids, let him do it when it's difficult.

[Msqueen33]

Does he like his job? I wonder if he's tired and sees being a sahp an easier job. How much does he contribute domestically of a weekend? To be honest I think he feels you have an easy life and he'd quite like you to do the hard graft and get them to school and take over and have his days left free.

It should be a family decision together. Maybe you ought to leave the kids (when the other is born) with him for a day and see what happens. I bet aswell all the domestic stuff will still fall to you. Also, in what tone did he put this to you? Was it a discuss or a directive?

[HandbagCrab]

If you don't need to work to keep a roof over your heads the possibilities of how your lives could be are endless. If you do get 4 days over 5 you'll end up doing all the school runs, that's why people do 4 days over 5. I've got a baby and a school age dc and the work is not comparable, even with school admin - the 5yo doesn't need 2 hours of feeding and winding at 3am :)

If my dh popped out with this over breakfast as he fucked off to his high paid, well respected role I'd be fuming. There's nothing reasonable about what he's suggesting other than he fancies pt, which you can afford anyway by the sounds of it.

I'd make sure he's doing 50% of everything when he's not at work, particularly with your new baby. Spend some time thinking about how you want your future to be.

[Ooogetyooo]

OP I sympathise with your position. It sounds like your dh needs to get off the hamster wheel before he burns out. My dh is the same. Earns very good money but has to put in very long hours and doesn't switch off easily. We have no mortgage either and with savings in the bank, we could easily cover the bills and outgoings with careful spending if he took a lower paid job with less responsibility and less hours. But he can't bring himself to do it. It's like he's done it for so long he can't stop. We have discussed it so many times but nothing changes.

[titihood]

Is he maybe going through some sort of mental or nervous breakdown? Along with most other posters, I think he sounds rather unreasonable and is hoping for a golden ticket to the land of perfect life and jobs that work for all people, especially parents.

OP you said that he is a lovely man and a great dad, so maybe he is in a really bad rut mentally or in severe need of a break? Can he get some sort of sabbatical from work for a while? Do you have enough savings for that to happen?

I am in a similarish position to you, in that my DH has a much higher-earning job than I could EVER dream of having, in part due to the field he chose to work in and his successes, but also because of choices I/we made (such a me raising our DC and taking some time off after being made redundant a year ago - my FT job combined with being responsible for 95% of the childcare was playing havoc with my mental health). I am also expecting DC2 (nearing end of first trimester), and wondering how on earth I will get back into work now.

The difference is that my DH has fully acknowledged that there is no way I would ever earn enough to support us without him working at least 4 days a week (which is impossible in his field), and that we can afford to live for the moment on one salary. We both would like for me to get freelancing or PT work that fits around school hours (and soon enough caring for a new little one), but there is no way that he would suggest me working FT and him basically quitting unless he knew he were about to get fired (and then we'd be in deep shit as his visa would be revoked), or if he were having a breakdown.

Have you been able to get to the bottom of your DH's reasons behind what he is saying? Does he desperately need a break, does he want to spend more time with DC (and hopefully you), or is it more that he has got some idea into his head that it is not 'fair' that he has worked all this time while you have not been working in that sense of the word?

One thing that may help is if you can find statistics about the financial benefits of you being a SAHP. Like how much it would have cost to have a FT nanny when DC was young, someone to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc. I remember reading something saying it equated to something like £80,000 a year or more, which made me feel a hell of a lot better.
If he really cannot bear to work FT any more, can HE do 4 days a week instead of 5, or he does 3 days and you do 3 days? There would be less money, yes, but if it saves both of your mental healths and means you have more time together as a family, then that may be worth it.

Good luck and I hope you can work it all out with him. It sounds like a very confounding and heartbreaking time.

[Quartz2208]

What hours does he work now what kind of level of stress does he have.

I would say to him that you are prepared to share the load when the children are at school but it should not be done on an arbitrary financial basis but rather getting both of your work life balance right. At the moment you both have full time jobs in effect you running the household and looking after the children, him earning the money.

So perhaps 3 days a week each and a 50/50 split of housework, school runs, after school activity runs and childcare should be your suggestion. It doesn't stop when they go to school! His reaction to that will be telling!

[AyeAmarok]

Horrible man.

I think you should bring the arrangement forward about 4.5 years too.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My mouth really hit the floor op. This is unbelievable.

Just wow.

[oldbirdy]

My husband is a high earner too. Last year he paid a six figure sum in tax.

He understands that he is able to work at his career because I have compromised my career. I am good at my job and I enjoy it, but it never had the earning potential of his. He needs to do foreign travel, long hours etc and hopes to retire in his 50s. In order for him to do that, my working hours are seriously curtailed.

Our contribution to the family is of equal value. Without the sacrifices DH makes to family life, we would not have the same lifestyle. Without the compromises I have made to may career, we could not have the same family circumstances. If DH asked me to make a 50:50 financial contribution I would tell him to make an equal care contribution then. I do packed lunches. I do parents evenings. I sort time off or do flexitime to attend performances. I fill in permission slips. I get the children up and out every day, I collect them every evening, I cook their tea. I go to meetings about my SEN child. I make appointments and take them to the dentist, doctor, or optician. I run them to the tutor and the ballet lessons.

Being a team is about making contributions according to your strengths and your means. It is not about splitting money 50:50 and he needs a kick up the arse if he honestly believes this.

[HowcanIearnthis]

Glad to report that he has rung and apologised. We'll be looking for jobs with vaguely equal hours. Thanks for the support!

[2014newme]

He sounds stressed and in need if a break from the long hours.
Glad you didn't divorce him. 🙄

[wejammin]

It sounds like you are in a very good financial situation that should give both of you the ability and opportunity to take the time to find jobs that give you a good work/life balance.

DH and I are by no means high earners but we've both worked hard to get good expertise and now both do flexible part-time hours so we spend time with our children (sadly not usually at the same time, but hopefully one day!).

Why should you be disadvantaged over him when you should both be advantaged by the financial position you're in? I don't get it.

[reuset]

OP isn't bothering to answer any questions. Oh well...

[HowcanIearnthis]

No, no, reuset, I'm here, just trying to cook at the same time. Which ones did I miss? What DH could do? I'm fairly sure he could go down to the equivalent of 1 day/week - probably non-exec director sort of roles. He does a city-type job. Anyway, hopefully it's sorted now. Thanks for the help, everyone.

[rookiemere]

No way would he earn his current salary in ratio if he went down to 1/2 days a week. Part time workers are despised and - I should know I am one. Maybe it's different if you have a penis though.

OP it sounds like he's a pretty convincing talker - probably why he earns megabucks - so you need to be very clear about your bottom line.

I think it's absolutely fair that you should think about going back to work when the DCs are at school. It's also fair that if the family income can afford it, he could look to cut back his hours somewhat to get a better work/life balance.

However it is not fair or indeed realistic to:

a) expect you to be out of the workplace for years and then waltz into a high paid job

b) expect you still to do the majority of the childcare ( that's what he means by 4 in 5 and it's a sh*t arrangement at work, again I know as I do something similar)

c) Practically stop work himself. However there are some advantages to this if he is prepared to do all school related work and look after DCs for all school holidays ( I'm guessing he's not)

Like others I'd suggest if he wants the arrangement discussed in OP then you should get your earning potential going as soon as possible and start once you've had DC2 and he can do all the baby grunt work.

[rookiemere]

Sorry x-posted.
Glad to get your update.
You still need to have a serious conversation with him though so make sure he never comes up with such a*-twttery again.

[ChocolateWombat]

This 50/50 thing bugs me....not just about finances, but everything.

In a loving relationship, people pull their weight but that doesn't have to mean both contribute 50% in terms of finances, or cleaning, or childcare...or even overall. It is fine if someone is carrying 70% of the load for a while...it's what you do for the person you love, especially if they are struggling. So if OP was having mental health issues, DH should have been willing to carry more of the load....willingly.....and that doesn't mean she later need some on repay it. It maybe that OP does or doesn't carry 50% of the load ever....and that should be fine. The thing that grates with me is the keeping count....ome kind of a tally of what each person has contributed and somehow still owes to the pot.

So I don't agree that's because OP has had time out, DH has a right to say it's his turn. Both of them have a right to say they would like to discuss the next steps. At that point DH can express what he would like to do as can Op and they can discuss their ideas and how they would impact on each member of the family and reach a joint decision. It's about collaboration and being a team, working as one towards the same goals.....sounds corny, but that's what a good relationship involves.

[MommaGee]

how is he even in a Job that would let him just drop to 1 day?

Paying the bills IMO should be proportional. 50/5) is ideal bit if you have to work 40 hours to his 8 to being in the same money to put 50/50 into the pot then HIBU

If he earns 100 a day and you earn 20 a day and you need 200 to survive surely it makes sense for him to work say 2 1/2 days and you 3 so there's 310 coming in. So more money for savings and you can consider early retirements / exotic holidays. He then pays a proportional amount of the bills or it all goes in one pot