To want to drink most of my calories(former anorexic)

[Laughinggouttloud]

I'm 5ft7 and at my thinnest weighed 6st. For the last two years I've been within the healthy weight scale. I weigh 9 st 9lbs which is slim but not underweight. I have a diet that is carefully managed so that I do not under eat. My problem is that I was severely underweight from the age of 14- 25, so for 10 years my body survived on about 500 calories a day (I don't know how I'm still alive).

I managed to increase my weight by drinking full fat milk and eating other high calorie foods and getting pregnant half way through the recovery process was huge motivation to increase my calories. Pregnancy also naturally made me put on weight.

My problem is that when I eat a normal sized meal my whole stomach hurts. The pain is almost unbearable and it radiates to my ribs. It's like I can physically feel the food being swalllow or like my stomach goes into a swasm. I get extreme sharp pains and sometimes dizziness.

I feel extremely nauseous afterwards and feel that that for several hours.

For me to eat 2000 calories a day feels like a huge task but because of my height I need to.

I've asked my Doctor if I can cut down my portion sizes and have calories from more milk and high calorie snacks such as nuts and cheese but he has refused.

I think he's worried this is me trying to under eat but it's not.

There's no underlying health problems it's just that my digestive system is completely wrecked. I have a reduction in stomach muscle due to longterm starvation and so for me, eating 'normally' will be very unlikely ever again.

I did star on a liquid diet and do take vitamins and protein in milkshake form.

I have tried to speak to my Specialist about this and he is not listening and insists I eat three meals a day, snacks and full fat milk/ my milkshake formula.

I know my own body, I know this isn't working, my body shouldn't be under this much strain. I'm a healthy weight now. As long as I make sure I eat 2000 calories a day do you think it's okay for me to eat less solids and have more calories from liquid? Or eat less and more. Maybe 5 meals a day?
If I go to McDonalds I can comfortably eat a happy meal but no more (just for reference). Surely it's okay for me to have 5 meals of this size a day?

I know this is a bit of a serious subject for here. But I just need opinions really. AIBU?

The larger meals will slowly improve your stomach tone. It's the small meals not just the low calories you consumed while anorexic that have caused you to lose tone. Follow medical advice and woman up. You can do it!

It's been two years. They started me on a liquid diet and then gradually went up to where I am now. I was fine on liquids, started doing well on small portions and now I'm steadily on these portions the pain has got worse.

So I can eat toddler sized meals but adult sized and it's horrid. The idea though is just to ignore the pain, and eat. As my specialist said, I need to eat so whether I have pain or not is irrelevent and it's been too long now that I've not been eating this size amount. It's time I ate what a 'normal' person would.

If I ate toddler meals all day I would be fine. It's because I had a big breakfast so didn't feel hungry for lunch so even that small amount was uncomfortable to eat.

PS in hospital we had to have 3 large meals a day plus 2 snacks. I think it's pretty standard!

I still feel dizzy a lot and tired. Also I have very very sore muscles in my legs.

I do look healthy now and actually look really nice. For the first time in years I'm being told I'nm beautiful and that's such a boost. It helps me to know that the way I look now it what looks good.

OP excellent work on recovering.

No one here should advise you to ignore your specialists advice. They have your history etc

You just need to keep on plodding and eating the meals and get used to the feeling.

I still feel dizzy a lot and tired. Also I have very very sore muscles in my legs.

It sounds like you're not quite eating enough.

Make sure you've got a low threshold for going back for more support if you're struggling.

Your last post is a tad worrying. Do you not want to eat larger meals because you think this is the perfect weight & that you can't be beautiful a bit heavier? Because that's bullshit. You can be beautiful at a mid-normal weight too.

I agree with all the above. Follow your specialists advice. Also how big was your breakfast? Our ideas of a big breakfast can be so off.

Are you seeing a therapist? Its not just food that needs to be fixed.

Your legs are aching because you are starving again. Please get this under control before you go back.

Your stomach is also shrinking again and you -are- beautiful, regardless of other people and they're well dones.

I have had doctors tell me to continue starving, and my own family 'whatever you're doing, keep doing it'. Everyone outside will encourage you, im getting it right now with the nhs, huge huge triggers to relapse.

All i need to know (for example) is that everyone is assuming im pigging out (as i mentioned, was very very thin before antidepressant and pregnancy, so now im assumed to be eating mcdonalds daily as bmi has gone above average). The people close to you will see the truth. They will see you wither away and the mood swings and self hatred, all wrapped up in false confidence because you think you can just keep it under control.

You'll feel good again, everyone will treat you like you know something they dont about life, and then it will take over and bite you. And then, when you recover again you'll see photos and see those black rings under your eyes and your wrists and see just how ill you can get.

Get back into recovery before its too late

I had a big breakfast. I had a 8 inch french baguette with bacon, eggs and rocket.

Hi dangermouseisace

Really proud of you and your recovery! It takes serious balls to see you need to change something so fundamentally bad

I have had very little help, just pychiatrists, never got to obscenely low weights (100lb at 5'4) before something has pushed me in the opposite direction, effexor pulled me right out of it but has left me unhappy in the other direction. Hence ednos, but restrictive type. I dont really know what an average weight is, always slightly up or edging towards danger.

Will say tho, how ill you get is not the number, and it does feel like you wont get help unless you go past the 'you're beautiful and very thin' stage to 'jesus christ, you need to eat' stage

So roughly 600-800 calories, max for breakfast and then very little the rest of the day.

Not gonna lecture, I get it all the time. Will just say an apple (or waffle and nugget) is not a lunch :p you already know this.

Do you have someone that helps you and asks you daily what you eat? I find my partner keeps me sane as I have no idea what normal is

Will leave you alone now but if you need someone to talk to, pm me :)

Sending general good thoughts and support. I think you do need to listen to the specialist, but I'm sorry you're finding it all hard right now, pain is never pleasant.

But. You do sound a little bit like you might be bargaining for reasons to have less food and calories. Which is a thing that happens in recovery. I really think you need to talk to someone about it if you can, either your specialist if s therapist. Obviously I can only see what you've said here and this is just my twopence but do consider why you are thinking about cutting down on solids.

Purple, It just surprised me that's all. I have never been able to get my daily intake through three meals, as the portions would be too big for me. I eat little and often, as do many people. But yes, I'm sure the specialist knows more than I do.

So op, you've just said it, it's nothing an increase in food won't be able to fix...yet you're fighting hard against that increase in food and wish to turn them to liquid so it's not fixed.

I think you know the answer, this is your mental illness talking. You need to get more help with that and in the meantime you need to follow your doctors advice.

Honestly sweetie this is no way to live. This daily battle with food, with pain associated with food, don't you want to be happy and not have these issues , to lead a "normal life" to not have your life dictated by food? Cmon. Eat the food, don't change it to liquid, get yourself well and don't let that sick voice in your mind talk you into reducing solids and substituting with liquid, that's a horrible life and not one anyone well would chose.

Your on your way to getting better, don't sabotage it now.

So how come you can eat an eight inch baguette with bacon and eggs but not manage one chicken nugget and a potato waffle?

Not trying to pick holes in your posts, btw, just trying to understand why you've said you can't eat anything above a toddler sized portion because it causes you pain, when it seems that you can sometimes?

It's just that I've heard "I'm full from earlier" as an excuse to skip meals. I'm sure you've used it a lot yourself in the past.

You have to follow their advice your body will get stronger. In the meantime take paracetamol or something. Don't give up the pain has to go eventually.

Hi OP - have you been investigated for dumping syndrome?
www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/digestive-diseases/dumping-syndrome
It's possible your anorexia damaged the nerves to your stomach. Multiple small meals are the answer

That is quite a bit of food at once and I think I'd ask for a second opinion. I know my oldest who has had some disordered eating (but not to the point of an eating disorder if that makes sense) would probably struggle with that as it would make her uncomfortably full which then causes reflux and puts her off eating. You don't want to fall into a cycle like that.

There are other ways to get healthy amounts of calories and nutrients into you apart from three big meals but you have a very particular problem and need specialists to tell you what you can and can't do, however if you were my daughter I'd worry being told to do three large meals would be counter productive so I'd want another opinion for you to see if there was another way.

I hope that makes sense to you, you are doing amazingly well, keep going!!

op I really hope you can keep going with this. Food is so wonderful and there are so many delicious combinations of things out there. I hope that you can one day really enjoy food.

Please go and talk to your dr again, do you keep a food diary? Are you really eating all you should be?

Would you like some ideas on nice food ideas?

I do eat big(ish") meals as I always eat between 1400-2000 calories a day.

It's just I feel ill when I do.

I only had 1 chicken nugget and a potato waffle as I'd already had a big baguette for breakfast and that was at 10pm.

I came home and had a banana, pear, two energy balls, protein shake, chicken katsu bake from greggs and a cheese string.

Not the he4althiest of days but I've been busy rushing around today.

Wanted to post in solidarity - I'm 12 months into recovery (again) and struggling because I gained a lot of weight very quickly and that was horribly triggering.

My ED specialist's only advice was '1500 calories a day in 3 meals and 2 snacks'. This wasn't based on my weight and she admitted to me that when you're outpatient they just tell everyone that as standard which seems a little odd, but this is at the most expensive EDU in London so... I never achieved that because of the gain but I think that was more to do with what I was eating - I couldn't eat solids for about a month so lived on very high fat soy ice cream, which did something to my hormones, plus I was physically very sick so I went from 2 spin classes/walking for 3 hours a day to bedridden.

After that I was on a high protein diet because like you my muscles were very wasted, but all bodies respond so differently to recovery and that really screwed with my digestion.

I'm vegan so I use Huel instead of Ensure or milkshake on days when I haven't eaten so much. It's oat based so like porridge if you use less water/milk. It's nutritionally complete with high protein and you can get it gluten free too so you get more from it than with most of the shakes (plus it's nice!).

And before anyone yells at me, I'm not saying replace any solids, just maybe add a shot of Huel at the end of a meal to add some nutrition so you're not worried about lacking calories whilst you work up to stretching your stomach.

I'm at that awful stage where a colleague asked me if I was pregnant in front of the whole office because I'm so bloated! So reassuring that you're happy with how you look now you're healthy - you should be really proud

I'm at that awful stage where a colleague asked me if I was pregnant in front of the whole office because I'm so bloated! So reassuring that you're happy with how you look now you're healthy - you should be really proud smile

Albadros well done to you as well it can't be easy. Ignore your colleagues they probably think you're glowing as well. It's not the bloating you probably look healthy, happy and glowing and that's a good thing.