To want to drink most of my calories(former anorexic)

[Laughinggouttloud]

I'm 5ft7 and at my thinnest weighed 6st. For the last two years I've been within the healthy weight scale. I weigh 9 st 9lbs which is slim but not underweight. I have a diet that is carefully managed so that I do not under eat. My problem is that I was severely underweight from the age of 14- 25, so for 10 years my body survived on about 500 calories a day (I don't know how I'm still alive).

I managed to increase my weight by drinking full fat milk and eating other high calorie foods and getting pregnant half way through the recovery process was huge motivation to increase my calories. Pregnancy also naturally made me put on weight.

My problem is that when I eat a normal sized meal my whole stomach hurts. The pain is almost unbearable and it radiates to my ribs. It's like I can physically feel the food being swalllow or like my stomach goes into a swasm. I get extreme sharp pains and sometimes dizziness.

I feel extremely nauseous afterwards and feel that that for several hours.

For me to eat 2000 calories a day feels like a huge task but because of my height I need to.

I've asked my Doctor if I can cut down my portion sizes and have calories from more milk and high calorie snacks such as nuts and cheese but he has refused.

I think he's worried this is me trying to under eat but it's not.

There's no underlying health problems it's just that my digestive system is completely wrecked. I have a reduction in stomach muscle due to longterm starvation and so for me, eating 'normally' will be very unlikely ever again.

I did star on a liquid diet and do take vitamins and protein in milkshake form.

I have tried to speak to my Specialist about this and he is not listening and insists I eat three meals a day, snacks and full fat milk/ my milkshake formula.

I know my own body, I know this isn't working, my body shouldn't be under this much strain. I'm a healthy weight now. As long as I make sure I eat 2000 calories a day do you think it's okay for me to eat less solids and have more calories from liquid? Or eat less and more. Maybe 5 meals a day?
If I go to McDonalds I can comfortably eat a happy meal but no more (just for reference). Surely it's okay for me to have 5 meals of this size a day?

I know this is a bit of a serious subject for here. But I just need opinions really. AIBU?

I would lessen the exercise and find an interest that is a distraction from how your. Stomach feels.something you are passionate about as life does become all about food and calories and it can all be overwhelming. If I can't manage my Sunday roast veg I eat half then eat the rest later.I am now 9 stone 2 lbs and have been around that for yes.

Surely if you gain weight and remain within a healthy weight range, and eat healthy foods, that is what is important rather than how exactly you do it?

Or are you in hospital or other facility where you can't choose your own food?

You may gradually go back to three 'normal' meals over time, but I'm not sure it matters if you do. What's to say that your doctor's idea of a normal meal works for you even when you are well? I have quite a small appetite and can't eat a full portion of almost any takeaway or restaurant meal because it's simply too much food. But I still manage to get plenty of calories.

If you need to get food while you are working, can you either pack up things like cheese and nuts to take with you, or buy while you are out? You'll get plenty of calories from those.

I AM NOT A EXPERT but I think if the OP goes down the route of smaller and more liquid meals her stomach will shrink further, making it easier to eat less in future and harder to eat more. That seems a dangerous path for someone who is a recovering anorexic.

I'm in recovery from anorexia/ednos, well pregnant so having to eat like a normal person, so maybe I can offer some advice. I still very much want my eating disorder back so I really understand how you must be struggling with your own brain. Telling you one thing when you clearly know how bad it can get if you listen.

I lived on liquids for years and you and me both know that leads to your stomach shrinking and a backwards slide. I know how bloody uncomfortable it is to refeed yourself, its awful. Very very painful, and it goes on for months/years. But it will get better if you persist!

I have an issue with dairy, almost like the anorexia stopped my body making lactaise. It could actually be that you're in part struggling with that. Holland and barrett sell lactaise pills if you think it may be a problem.

On another note, your stomach will eventually expand to a more normal size, just eat small portions very regularly, get yourself some probiotics to help your stomach start digesting food again. Eat healthy fats such as avocado, almonds and nuts, rather then tons of milk as it will make you feel lethargic and clog up your stomach if you overdo it. It will also shut your acid down, which means food wont move properly through your gut.

Most important thing is to teach your stomach how to digest again, and how to expand when needed. Also eat healthy acids to aid in digestion, like oranges, lemons and vinegars as your acid production may have shut down.

So in all, stick to a number of calories, dont let it drop. Take probiotics, eat healthy fats that have vitamins and dont leach (like dairy can), take lactaise if dealing with milk problems, keep eating solids to retrain your stomach on digestion.

And dont give up. Anorexia is a bitch. You're stronger then her.

Here here make it stop24 .

muscle wastage of the stomach, how does that get detected?

I just want to come back and revise my position slightly as you said you've Spoken to your specialist.

I think you absolutely have to follow your specialists advice. It will get better.

Well done on getting this far. It's amazing.

You may gradually go back to three 'normal' meals over time, but I'm not sure it matters if you do. What's to say that your doctor's idea of a normal meal works for you even when you are well?

Well, the doctor is an expert in this and has the benefit of actually meting the op and seeing her medical records for a start.

makeitstop24 that's so helpful thank you.

I can see that drinking liquids could cause my stomach to shrink and I don't want that. How many calories do you eat on average a day?

I eat between 1400-2000. I worry I'm going to put weight on every minute of the day so still have a way to go with that.

I also used to love the feeling of being hungry and hearing my stomach rumble as I felt my body was working hard to burn off all the fat on my body (of which in reality there was none). I do miss that.

But I'm definitely doing much better.

I agree that you should listen to your doctor - can they offer anything to help with the pain and the over full feeling? I don't think the quantities of food you describe seem that big tbh- is that at every meal?

Iknow it's easy for me to say because I'm not the one in pain after eating, but could you increase gradually? SOrry I have no real knowledge or advice to give, but just to echo what others have said, you have done brilliantly. I think adding the cheese to meals and the peanut butter to porridge is a great idea. A good friend of mine was underweight for a long time & the doctor gave her protein shakes. I know that's not ideal as they want you to eat but could they think about that as a short term option?

Agree with PPs that you should follow specialists' advice. It sounds like you are still struggling with aspects of your ED, eg seeking permission on MN to vary from the doctors' advice, exercising etc.

I also just want to say, the pain will eventually go down, if you persist.

Once that goes down you can start to associate food with pleasure, or at the least, life instead of pain.

Your brain will also rewire itself and the thoughts of 'just a little less here, a little less there' will start to slow down so you can see sense and fight it. Its like obsessive compulsive disorder and it feeds off itself.

One of the biggest things, maintain your control with love from external sources. Think of your child to give you strength. Fight the anxiety and depression that feeds the anorexia with everything you have. Make it an enemy and dont gain too much weight or you will want to throw yourself right back into it.

Nobody can understand eating disorders unless they have been there. Im currently eating for the baby thats inside of me but the lack of control is making me want to go the easy path afterwards.

Just like any addiction, one day at a time. If you mess up, dont beat yourself up but get back on the wagon the next day.

When I read the thread title, I thought you were asking if it was unreasonable to make up your calorie count in alcohol and I was going to suggest that was a very bad idea! The other posters are right that none of us can advise you on your diet, especially as you've been so ill in the past.

It does sound odd to me that your specialist is insisting on your having three meals a day to make up your total calorie needs- I would expect a specialist to be more understanding of your digestion difficulties. I think I would seek a second opinion if I were you.

It sounds like you're doing so well in looking after yourself.

I'm going to retract what I said also.

From your OP, I got the impression that you were "recovered" but felt like large portions were just beyond you. My feeling was that if it was a toss up between large portions and fewer calories (because you can't finish a meal) versus small portions and more calories, then the latter wins out.

I know that people are rarely 100% cured of an ED, however. A friend of mine fights with hers over a decade on.

But your later posts show that you're still very much in recovery and struggling to let go of some of your past behaviours. In that respect, I think you need to ignore this voice telling you that your stomach is too shrunken and damaged to ever eat larger portions, because it's your ED talking. Good luck

I have protein shakes at the moment. They contain protein and vitamins.

For lunch today I had one potato waffle and one chicken nugget. It came from my Son's plate and I felt full after that. Comfortably that's what I can eat. If I'm really hungry I can eat a small burger and a small fries.

Healthy food I can have half a chicken breast, half a cup rice and 1 cup veg.

I love that feeling of starving. I really really understand. I even like the lightheadedness and waking up hungry, knowing that you're safe because you have your control back.

At the moment im eating 2400 calories a day for pregnancy, and suffering every day. I have also gained weight from antidepressants so im triggered as all hell right now. I have gained 10-15lb on top for this pregnancy and I know when its over I'm going to be fighting for my life and going to have to keep what I've learnt in the last eight or so months. I have my exercise equiptment just waiting for me, so please please i understand how hard it is, and i dont really feel that i can offer much advice when im still pretty sick in my mind.

The only way i will fight this is the love i will have for the people i dont want to leave, and the strength i will gain from watching my child grow.

Try to remember that the anorexia wants you dead. No matter how amazing it feels, it always turns around and gets you in the end.

It does sound odd to me that your specialist is insisting on your having three meals a day to make up your total calorie needs- I would expect a specialist to be more understanding of your digestion difficulties. I think I would seek a second opinion if I were you.

Don't you think an eating disorder specialist is more likely to know more than you about the best way for the op to recover?

Eating more smaller meals doesn't allow the stomach to get used to eating more. It also gives more opportunities for skipping meals.

From what you said above, your ed is taking over again. Your calories are very low and also very low fat.

Your brain is made fat. If you dont up your fat the eating disordered thoughts will come back, and they are, as you can see with the liquids idea. In addiction, what you're doing is called bargaining. This is the way it gets in again.

Increase your fats substantially to keep your brain strong so it can reason itself out the anorexia.

Thanks everyone. I will try and keep to three meals a day.

Applies very much to anorexia

Also this which im sure you know about xx
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment

The more you let it come back, the stronger it gets as your brain gets weaker and weaker

I will check that video out now.

Thank you.

I'm currently feeling sharp pains and that's just from one potato waffle and one chicken nugget. Also the nausea stops me wanting to eat more. It's horrid. I'm just hoping it gets better soon.

One potato nugget and one chicken nugget wouldnt even be lunch for a 3 year old! If you imagine that blended up, thats the size your stomach currently is, it sounds like its almost non-existant. It should be at a size where you could comfortably eat most of a normal restaurant-sized meal at least.

That said, it seems odd for them to try and jump you to that in one go, id expect them to help you work up towards that as it wont stretch all the way overnight!

*potato waffle

Hi makeitstop

I was anorexic too and spent years in hospital.

You really have to listen to what your specialist says. With some things, especially MH stuff I think you need to let go of your thoughts/beliefs about your illness and give that responsibility to someone else. You are an expert in being anorexic/having an eating disorder, they are an expert in recovery and staying well. They know what works, what doesn't, and the advice they are giving you gives you the best chance of staying well.

I'm assuming that if you are still under a specialist you are fairly early in your recovery. It will take a long time for your digestive system to get used to having regular food but it will do it. The human body is an amazing thing. I think that going down the liquid route is dangerous…it will shrink your stomach again, and if your stomach has shrunk then it's really easy to cut out calories from liquid and then before you know it you are right back where you started. It wouldn't be too hard to imagine that the pain you are suffering/sensations that you are experiencing are probably made worse by anxiety about what you are doing.

You are doing really well. Getting better from anorexia is a momentous task and you have achieved so much. Keep going