MIL didn't get me a birthday present

[Hairsprayinthesink]

Name change, because of the nature.

MIL didn't get me a birthday present. It shouldn't matter, I know this. Nobody has to buy anyone a birthday present obviously. But I'm still quite hurt. In the 5 years I've been with DH she's never missed a birthday and I've never missed hers or FIL's. My own DM bought DH a quite expensive and thoughtful gift for his birthday recently. I know that shouldn't matter and I'm being extremely grabby and entitled but I can't help but feel slightly overlooked and rejected.

I tried to gently mention it to DH and it became an opportunity for him to have a go at me. This included, she does all sorts for me, she's spent up after Christmas (but has been out for expensive meals at least once a week since), at least she isn't as annoying as my own mum. I didn't think my own mum was that annoying really. But I feel like she's just sending yet another message that she still doesn't like me. There's some back story to it that makes me think she's never liked me.

I don't know what else to say, could do with a couple more opinions. Aibu?

[User543212345]

Mine stopped buying me gifts at around the five year mark too. I took it as an opportunity to stop buying anything for her and leaving it to DH instead. Our birthdays are a week apart so we went out for dinner with them laden with gifts and when we handed them over in the car park got a "well bye then" and not even a card. DH and I got in the car and howled with laughter.

It is a snub but it shows who they are rather than who you are. DH had a word and I now get cards signed "from MIL and PIL" and it makes me giggle rather than hurt. It's honestly not about you, it's about her. And she's managing to make your birthday about her - clever, see?

Your DH shouldn't be point scoring between mums though. He shouldn't be making excuses either. Surely all there is to say is that it's a bit shit rather than pointing out what possibly might be the reason - and lack of money means nothing, it really is the thought that counts - or doing my mum is better than your mum bollocks. I'd be rather annoyed at him in your position.

[pipsqueak25]

dh would be more of an irritant imo with his opinions rather than the lack of mil's present.

[Hairsprayinthesink]

I'm fairly annoyed at him but I wasn't sure if the annoyance at the lack of gift was justified or not.

[LeninaCrowne]

Just get her something really shit from a charity shop.

[user1483526282]

Not sure if no present is worse than the one my FIL got me. My partner is one of two sons from a divorced set of parents. All still live fairly local but we're the ones who regularly have mum or dad for dinner or just generally to make sure they're well taken care of.
We made a big deal last year about hiring a lodge & I cooked for everybody, we paid for the lodge, we did the driving, the lot and it must have cost us close to £1,000. We could have had a cheap week in the sun for that.
Anyway just a matter of weeks after this it was my birthday ..... I got an air freshener thing. £6 from Tesco. It wouldn't normally have bothered me so much but it was pretty much me who put all the effort into the family gathering and it really was for FIL (too long a story to write) so we pushed the boat out. Made worse by the fact he'd wrapped it up and even got my partner to help tape the end but he thought it was a bottle of perfume and had even said to me think my dad's got you something nice. A freaking air freshener !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[user1483526282]

I actually burst into tears as although I hadn't put the effort in for reward the sis in law doesn't even make any of us a cup of tea !

[pipsqueak25]

user you got to be kidding right ??!!! hope you were very gracious and happy to get such a terrific present

[hairsprayinthesink]

User :( that's crap.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I don't hold with this 'nobody's entitled to a present' malarkey. The fact is that present-giving within family groups is the norm, and deviation from that norm generally means somebody has got a bag on. So when a present isn't given, it is absolutely right to explore why that might be and what can be done to resolve the situation (should you want it resolved). Or as Sheldon Cooper of `The Big Bang Theory was informed - 'it's a non-optional social convention'.

Sounds like your MIL is a bit of a git, and her offspring hasn't fallen far from the tree. I'd probably rejoice in having no responsibility for buying her presents from now on, that your husband's job now.

But your husband's behaviour - hmm. "I tried to gently mention it to DH and it became an opportunity for him to have a go at me. This included, she does all sorts for me, she's spent up after Christmas (but has been out for expensive meals at least once a week since), at least she isn't as annoying as my own mum." Leapt straight to her defence, rather than 'not like her to forget, I wonder why' or similar neutral comment. Nope, straight to her defence by attacking you and your mum. I'd wonder if she'd said anything to him beforehand.

[fluffiphlox]

I was married 10 years before I even got a card from my in-laws.

[pipsqueak25]

thank god we don't celebrate birthdays or xmas or valentines or easter blah blah , don't have all this stuff going on in our lives, is so much simpler and no one gets offended.

[pinkie1982]

Don't fester on it. I have been with DP for ten years and we have a DS.
This year MIL didn't get me a present or even a card.
She 'didn't have time to go to the shops'...what in the last YEAR? After you have been busy telling me you have FINISHED your Christmas shopping?? Oh okay then.

I WAS the card organiser for the whole of our families. Not any more. DP can do it from now on.

[blamethecat]

In 19 years I have had 1 card. I don't care and leave all the present buying for them to DP. Maybe she does have other stuff going on, maybe she has got the hump because you moved house. See what happens next year and leave your DH to sort her present out next time.

[chocolateworshipper]

Definitely sounds PA to me. When it's her birthday - send her a gift voucher - for something that doesn't interest her at all.

[GarkandGookin]

My mum got my DH a nice-ish present for the first couple of birthdays, then a totally inappropriate book from a charity shop (on a topic he had never expressed an interest in). Since then he has been happy if the card turns up on the day (some years she doesn't send it but waits for me to visit and collect it). She forgot my birthday completely this year, but DH got a card a day after his birthday. He never gets a Christmas present either, presumably this year she though we could share the Aldi gloves My parents are very comfortably off and are very generous to my sisters.
I get really hurt, DH isn't bothered. I think because we live a long way from my parents they don't value him as much as their other sons in law, who live locally. It is hurtful if you care what they think, but less so if you don't.
Luckily DH and I are on the same side on this, if he mentions the designer clothes the other BILs got (when he got zilch) I don't think he is grabby, just not oblivious.

[languagebridget]

My mil gave my husband and son xmas gifts, (in person) and I got an out of date regifted box of chocolates (did not even bother to rewrap just more sellotape to cover rip). My teenage daughter got nothing, as "she is just a girl". My son is only grandson and her favourite. After 20 plus years I no longer get upset and just leave her to it. She will not change and sees nothing wrong with her behaviour. I too took her only son away and see has never forgiven me. On the other hand my daughter is my mum's favourite and is spoilt by her.

[catslife]

Perhaps she has forgotten or is waiting until you next go round to see her.
On the other hand, I have never ever received a birthday present from my MIL (we have been together more than 20 years). Come to think of it she doesn't send DH or DD anything either other than a card.

[Underthemoonlight]

My mil got my a present for my 30th and it was literally a box of chocolates I did wonder if they were from Christmas she told dp she would get me something more but she didn't but what annoyed me was I got her a lovely bunch of flowers delivered for her 50th which were quite expensive. I've decided to leave the present buying to DH

[WeAllHaveWings]

rejoice in the fact your are I'm early-mid twenties and forget it.

if she has taken the hump or doesn't like you there's not much you can do about it anyway. if shes simply forgotten, then you'll probably get one next year, you can go one year without a gift from your MIL.

From a mid-late more late forties

[stella23]

She's never missed your birthday before. What's happened recently that might make her not get you a present? this, maybe rather than think bad of her, ask if she's ok.

[ATailofTwoKitties]

Just to balance things:

My MIL gave me a rather nice watch, a cardigan and a meal out for my birthday last year.
My parents forgot, and then gave me a second-hand book in a paper bag.

Some people are odd.

[Hairsprayinthesink]

Some of these stories are awful. Nowt so queer as folk, eh? I wish we didn't 'do' presents as that would make life much easier. Indeed I think I'll just let it pass and allow DH to sort out their birthdays from now on. DH's comments were a bit out of order though.

[BingoBingoBingoBango]

Let your DP get on with it. Do not get involved.

[StarBurger]

My SIL did the same to me for my birthday. I now assume that we don't swap gifts. It's her birthday soon and I usually get her a thoughtful gift. Not any more