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Original poster

DH asking pointless questions

104 replies

NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 12:54

I'm fully prepared to hear that I'm being ungrateful and grumpy but DH is currently driving me insane, is it just me being mean to his well meaning offers??

If I say no in answer to any question he can't just accept that "Are you sure?" "I really don't mind""Sure you're sure?"

If he decides to do anything he has to reassured of every detail every time "what program does the white wash go on?" "It is blue bin day this week isn't it?" "I'll just Hoover if that's ok?"

Is it just me? Any ideas on how to cope much needed please!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 20:35

faintly baffled I'm so glad it's not me being not so quietly exhausted/driven insane/exasperated by this, makes it somehow a bit easier to deal with!!

OP posts:
Adory · 01/02/2017 20:36

Bluntness100 sorry about that last post! Yes, I agree I need help. Any of my ex's would of been laughed at if they tried to tell me off, it feels awful to be in my situation and I'm normally (used to be) a confident, happy, kind person but I feel totally lost and squashed by this steady stream of (??) abuse? I feel like a weak little (something??) who has lost the ability to fend for or protect herself and it is awful, and it's horrible to think of anyone else in this position - that's why I had to put my view forward.

Original poster
NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 20:36

THREE YEARS??? Can he not timetable a reminder in his phone??

OP posts:
kelper · 01/02/2017 20:37

Ha, DH and older DS ask me "What are you doing?" when its patently obvious (Cooking dinner, putting the washing on etc) so I tell them I'm mowing the lawn, with a deadpan face.
This doesnt work with younger DS who is extremely literal and doesnt understand sarcasm, and thinks I'm genuinely mowing the lawn.
Teenage years with him are going to be interesting....

Original poster
NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 20:38

milday I don't get the whys. Are they a progression of the are you sures? I'm not sure I signed up for that!

OP posts:
MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 20:39

Of course not because then he couldn't alert you to his doing things.

We've lived in this city for 7 years. DH claims he needs to be directed to drive to the city centre every time. Even though he used to work in the city centre and drove in to work every day for 2 years.

piglover · 01/02/2017 20:40

Hmm, I think I used to be like that with my previous partner who really was a terrible fusspot so, yes, I wanted to make sure I did stuff to her satisfaction rather than be moaned at later. Previous partner, note. Now with someone much nicer, and we are mutually appreciative of each other's domestic efforts, but I do still sometimes ask questions like that as a hangover from previous experiences. (We are both women FWIW.)

MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 20:41

Perhaps you'll never have to put up with being questioned like a naughty 6 year old about why you didn't do X by a man who expects applause and an award nomination for putting a cup in the sink.

TizzyDongue · 01/02/2017 20:44

NavyandWhite "They can't win can they."

Well yes they could. They could do tasks without having to defer responsibility or make it know they were unfairly having to do said tasks, or for whatever reason they feel the need to because its almost certainly not because they can't remember.

Plenty of men (assuimg that's who 'they' refers to) do in fact win.

Also the OP is not BU simply because you are married to a lazy male who doesn't contribute and the OPs actually does somethinh . There's a lot of men who do, with out issue (that's the ones who are winning)

MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 20:52

Yes. It is not about 'needing help' or 'not knowing' or whatever excuse.

I'm utterly certain DH does it for these reasons:

  1. To pretend that he's the only one who does anything because he's the only one who expects a fuss for doing minor tasks.
  2. To force me to participate in his household tasks because it's not ok for me to relax if he isn't (but absolutely right that he should play his PS4 while I spend hours on household tasks).
  3. To make me responsible for all decisions because then he can blame me if anything goes wrong in any way.

None of the three are good character traits.

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 01/02/2017 20:52

cherryskull You are married to my XH.

I'm so, so sorry!

Original poster
NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 21:00

piglover I'm pretty sure I'm not a fusspot, it's taken a while for him to appreciate that the floordrobe is in fact how I store my clothes.

milady I dread the time DS learns the word why. Does "ask daddy" make a good response?

These lovely well meaning men have obviously at some point in there lives all functioned the washing machine/Hoover/shower cleaning products/etc. So what changes? Did I zone out when those marriage vows were said???

OP posts:
MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 21:02

Why is ok from a toddler in comparison because it doesn't come with a side portion of judgement all slathered in thinly veiled telling off.

MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 21:03

But 'ask daddy - he really likes questions' is definitely an appropriate response.

GallivantingWildebeest · 01/02/2017 21:14

Milady, how do you resist the urge to murder your dh stone dead?

Your description of him needing driving instructions drove me insane. And I'm not even you. FFS!

SecondsLeft · 01/02/2017 21:15

Response to washing machine questions 'whatever you think sweetie.' And maybe he will realise you have no interest in doing his thinking for him.

MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 21:18

I don't know how I do it.

MIL says I have the patience of a saint. DH would say I'm some sort of angry harpy.

I'm pretty sure murder would be entirely justified on the basis of the driving alone, never mind the rest.

DS2 has started saying, 'how can you possibly not know the way?' now. I'm encouraging this.

DH claims he just has a poor sense of direction but no one suddenly forgets where the street the lived in for 4 years is (or where it leads) because they moved out 6 months ago.

Olympiathequeen · 01/02/2017 21:18

That is so annoying! DH does it too.

Me. If you're going out could you get me some eggs and potatoes?
Him. How many eggs? What size? Free range or what. How many potatoes. Loose or in a bag? On and on it goes!

I wish he'd just use his initiative and I'll remember not to complain. It's like I have to do all the thinking.

Original poster
NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 21:27

seconds left it's ok to say this when I know my best card I isn't in there right? Just in case he chooses boil wash?!?

olympia welcome to the recently formed club for those suffering marriage to a Human potato. Did initiative elope with common sense? Grin

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 01/02/2017 21:35

My father, now almost 83, has spent his married life being like many of the husbands on this thread. Constantly asking questions, and especially the needing for directions when driving to places he's been countless times before.

A word of warning for these husbands. In time to come it may turn out that their wives may discount the possibility of dementia on the grounds that they've "always been too lazy to think"!

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2017 21:43

Adory, >>Bluntness100 sorry about that last post!

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 01/02/2017 21:54

Milady, your DH sounds a bit like my XH, who did all these annoying things too, especially the driving. I think it's an anxiety thing, but it's irritating nevertheless.

The most annoying thing he used to ask was "What are you thinking?" several times a day, whenever I was quiet, or looking at all thoughtful. If I ever asked him why he wanted to know, He'd accuse me of biting his head off. It used to drive me nuts!

Adory · 01/02/2017 22:05

Bluntness100 I will be getting in touch with Relate or similar because the damage to my personality is staggering. Thank you 🍰

MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 23:25

Seeingadistance: I have pointed out to DH that there will no way that I could spot any early signs of dementia given that he apparently has no ability to navigate or remember routes to familiar places, or to remember what temperature he always washes his shirts at, or any of the countless other things you would generally expect people to remember.

Seeingadistance · 01/02/2017 23:48

Well anticipated, Milady! I've been seeing increasing signs of dementia in my father for almost 3 years now - subtle at first, and now he's so bad that on Sunday night he and my mother stayed overnight in an airport hotel before an early morning flight but he was too disorientated in the morning to be able to go on holiday, so they came home by two buses and a taxi, and by the time they did get home, he had no recollection of having been away.

My mother has, somewhat understandably, been in denial until the past few months, and has put it all down to side effects of medications, and it being the way he's always been. It was she who said to me about a year ago, when I raised it again with her, that "he's always been too lazy to think" and that she always "had to do his thinking for him". And that's true!

I have been thinking for a while now about how thoroughly fucking depressing and awful it is that an otherwise functioning adult can live their life in such a way that the person nearest to them can't distinguish dementia from how they've always been!

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