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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH asking pointless questions

104 replies

NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 12:54

I'm fully prepared to hear that I'm being ungrateful and grumpy but DH is currently driving me insane, is it just me being mean to his well meaning offers??

If I say no in answer to any question he can't just accept that "Are you sure?" "I really don't mind""Sure you're sure?"

If he decides to do anything he has to reassured of every detail every time "what program does the white wash go on?" "It is blue bin day this week isn't it?" "I'll just Hoover if that's ok?"

Is it just me? Any ideas on how to cope much needed please!

OP posts:
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 01/02/2017 16:50

I think I have mostly trained dh out of this, by dint of not answering, or use of vicious sarcasm but his one rebellion is not putting everything from the dishwasher away

Me: why are there two butterdishes out?
Him: well that one was in the dishwasher and I don't knooooooooow where it gooooooooooooooeeeeeeeessssssssssss

Me: I have never wanted you more, now look for a space in the fucking cupboard, there, now, that really wasn't so hard

Sometimes I just thrust it at him, sometimes he puts it away but leaves the grater out. or the Pyrex jug. Hmm

I allow him to get away with it, cos I never have to put petrol in the cars.

knackeredinyorkshire · 01/02/2017 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 01/02/2017 17:05

I only get the "are you sure?" comments and they're annoying. I say I want chips. Really, chips? Yes. Nothing else, just chips? Yes, just chips. You don't want the chicken kebab? NO I JUST WANT CHIPS GO AND GET CHIPS I NEED CHIPS!!!! He pulls a face, then texts me when he gets to the chippy that I really do just want chips. I suppose I should be happy he cares!

Original poster
NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 17:08

Totally see why it's mean and maybe I could be more tolerant.

(we do only use two functions on the washing machine 40 for mixer or dark, 50 for whites. It's not that hard surely?)

Today's stress was because the bathroom flooded (Spider-Man in toilet) so told him to take DS out without me. "Are you sure? Don't you want to come? I thought we could all go?"
When I replied I am fucking sure - I had made a dam by the door with two good towels and needed to clear up the fucking mess before it went through the ceiling I was told there was no need to shout.

Of all the times to ask "are you sure?" Today was definitely not a good one!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 17:12

Oh my god cigars I'm read that screaming just get the sodding chips
Maybe ask for one of everything then when he gets back say you know what, I did just want chips Wink

OP posts:
MTB1003 · 01/02/2017 18:05

My DM always used to say 'ask a silly question, get a silly answer'.

Unfortunately you then get that group who believes that 'there is no such thing as a silly question' Grin

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 01/02/2017 18:07

I fear you must be married to my husband.

He asks me if I want something, if I ever say no thanks he questions me. Saying 'I don't mind, it's not trouble, honestly are you sure?' I know he thinks he's just checking - but I'm an adult and able to make up my own mind!

Lostpangolin · 01/02/2017 18:26

My wife did/does the chip thing.
Me: I fancy some chips, want some?
Wife: No thanks.
5 minutes later, she's eating my bloody chips. Why?

OneWithTheForce · 01/02/2017 18:29

not all of us can remember the washing program or which bin goes when

  1. why does that make it OPs reaponsibility to remember? If he can't remember he can purchase himself a pen and paper and write it down and stick it to the fridge to remind himself. His bad memory isn't OPs job to make up for.
  2. my 11 year old knows which bin goes on what day (because he takes them out) and how to stick a wash load on the right programme.
Adory · 01/02/2017 18:41

I'm a bit like your husband I'm afraid. It's a vicious circle because...

I'm scared of getting into trouble for doing something wrong,
so I doubt myself while doing almost everything,
so I end up feeling anxious,
so I check,
so I end up getting into trouble for asking.

Can't win. It's awful. I came from a long relationship of doing everything when my useless ex done absolutely nothing!! To being in a relationship where I'm worried about doing anything!! Unfortunately there is a bit of gas lighting going on so maybe not the same as your circumstances but still it's not nice to constantly feel like a useless, incapable of making a decision idiot.

My advice would be to try to give him a bit of confidence and praise good choices while working on your tolerance. Hope this helps and doesn't cause offence! 🙂

BreakfastAtStephanies · 01/02/2017 19:10

Aaaah YABU. . . your DH had me at " I thought we could all go "

He wants to include you. That's kinda sweet.

I get that you needed to clean up the flooded bathroom though.

I do something similar. I am guilty of telling folks in the home what I want them to do, or how I want them to do it, at the exact moment that they are doing or starting to do it. They know what to do and how to do it. Apparently it's very annoying !

CherrySkull · 01/02/2017 19:25

Ugh, its like they can't get on with a job without bothering everyone else. My DH drives me batty.

"Does this look cooked?"

"Does this feel dry?"

"Is there anymore washing for the machine?"
"Do we need to keep this?"

Original poster
NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 19:26

I know which bin goes out cos I google it each week.... Grin

But adory and breakfast I will try and see his kindness and consider his want to do things right and hopefully I can boost his confidence so it no longer happens

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 19:28

Oops, just found out how to underline Blush

OP posts:
CherrySkull · 01/02/2017 19:30

i also hate the 'why' questions which are basically a passive aggressive way of telling you off for stuff.

"Why is this on the table?"
"Why is there a tablet on my sofa?"
"Why are there shoes in the middle of the floor?"
"Why is the bed a mess"
"Why is the teatowel on the side?

BECAUSE I PUT THEM THERE OR BECAUSE THE KIDS DID. Angry

FaintlyBaffled · 01/02/2017 19:33

Its so wearing isn't it OP? Angry
DH seems in need of constant reassurance, though I'm sure it's often just a case of having "something to say"
So tomorrow is bin day. DH normally does the bins and he pins the schedule from the parish magazine on the board. So there was no need for him to say tonight "it's recycling tomorrow isn't it?", yet that didn't stop him from asking Hmm
Even worse is my new scheme to get him to do the weekly shop on a Saturday while I'm cleaning the house. Even a £50 shop will warrant at least three separate phone calls to check whether the item he's got in his hand is correct

MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 19:43

Mine is like this.

The particular aspect of it the drives me beyond insane is his utter refusal to take any responsibility for navigating if we are driving anywhere. I'm not talking about unfamiliar places either; he pretends that he needs directions to get to places he's been hundreds of times (including on his own, without me to navigate).

Today and yesterday he drove me to work and we dropped DS2 at school on the way. This was only because he needed the car and he insisted that he would drive me there instead of dropping me at the station. Or DS2 and me doing the whole thing by public transport.

DS2 has been at this school for 3.5 years now. The school is on a small estate that we lived on for more than 4 years. But apparently he needs instructions on how to get to school (and where to park) and how to get out of the estate on to the main road. Then he needs directions for every step of the bloody way to work (despite it being somewhere he's been many times and most of the journey being a route he should be utterly familiar with) and confirmation of those directions again.

Me: left here
Him: so is it left here
Me: yes I just bloody told you it was
Him: is it left here?

It's even worse because much of the time he doesn't listen when you give him instructions. So it actually goes:

Me: you need to take the next left
Me: the next left
Me: (shouts) turn left!
He misses the fucking turning (on a route he's driven hundreds of times)
Me: you needed to turn left. I told you three times
Him: why are you being so horrible to me?
Me:

The worst thing is that this particular example was the street we used to live on, which apparently he has erased all memory of.

Apparently giving him these directions yesterday all the way to work wasn't sufficient. He couldn't remember any if it at all and required directions again. This is despite the fact he managed to get himself back home on Tuesday in his own. But apparently this morning I needed to clarify (several times) that he should come back down the same road (and yes he needed to be in the lane for going straight on when he did).

It's utterly infuriating.

MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 19:50

Another thing that drives me nuts is his desire to have me acknowledge every bloody tiny household task he does. And say thank you.

'I put that piece of paper in the bin'
'I wiped the sink slightly in the bathroom'

And other menial and utterly unremarkable tasks. Maybe if he acknowledged or thanked me for all the things I do, but no.

I can plan meals for the entire week, shop for it all at the supermarket, come home put it all away, then cook a meal (which may take an hour in itself) with no acknowledgement but while doing all this I'm supposed to applaud the fact he changed a hand towel in a bathroom.

MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 19:56

CherrySkull:

I hate the passive aggressive why questions too.

Or just the passive aggressive questions in general.

Did you wash the carrots?
Did you lock the car? (Followed by him insisting on fucking checking the doors)

Or even worse the passive aggressive offer of help:

'Just ask me to wash the potatoes for you' (because my rinsing the already clean potatoes before cooking them just wasn't good enough for Captain FussyFace who can't cook anything more complex than a frozen pizza).

CrochetAndLabradors · 01/02/2017 20:00

Milady, we are married to the same man. 😀

MiladyThesaurus · 01/02/2017 20:06

It horrifies me that there are so many people as irritating as DH out there, crochet.

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2017 20:09

I'm scared of getting into trouble for doing something wrong,

Adory · 01/02/2017 20:31

Bluntnes100 I absolutely agree. My ex mmow

Original poster
NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 01/02/2017 20:33

bluntness, bless you, it's my DH who requires the reassurance that he's not doing it wrong.

All he needs to do is not ask what setting to put the pre-sorted laundry on. Or not need three reassurances that my reply of no thanks really did mean I am quite happy with the decision I first made.

Oh god? Is he hen pecked?!? I wear the trousers in this marriage don't I??? Confused Grin

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oobedobe · 01/02/2017 20:33

DH does this, agree it is a way of drawing attention to their 'hard' work (ha!), mine does very little around the house (traditional SAHM type set up, fine I am home all day and the kids are off at school, he works long hours etc) but DD1 has been in girl guides for 3 years and EVERY WEEK he will text me 'what time should I pick up DD1?'.

I think he thinks he is doing me a favour and likes to make sure to point it out. I think tosser and ignore his texts.

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