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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect to be able to holiday WITHOUT hubby's family???

100 replies

summerof69notts · 31/01/2017 14:07

Briefly...

Hubby is very close to his family (2 sisters and dad - mum died 18 months ago). My family is different - while we're all happy to spend time together we don't live nearby and we don't live in each other's pockets. While I knew when we first met that he was close to his family - it was one of the first things he told me - I didn't realise I was marrying the whole bunch of them!

Before we met he always went on holiday with his mum and dad, and often his sisters and their kids (and sometimes partners) would join them.

In the five years we've been together we've had a couple of short breaks just me, him and our LG - other than that we have a 3 week holiday with his parents every year (obviously, last year it was just his dad, which actually made me feel very left out much of the time) - if we go on any short breaks he always asks his dad and his sisters 'as he doesn't want anyone to feel left out'.

This year his sister and 3 kids are joining us for the 3 week holiday - there won't be enough room in his dad's caravan for all of them so it was decided (no discussion with me) that one of the kids will sleep in our tent for the whole 3 weeks - as well as travelling with us as there won't be enough room for them all in his dad's car.

When I tried to point out that I would actually like some space on holiday when we're not all together - i.e. at night time at least and wasn't happy about the extra child in our tent, let alone it had all been decided without asking me first - he went off on one, and we've not been able to discuss it since.

Then last week I suggested going away for a couple of days (meaning just us) and he turns round and says 'I'll ask dad and the girls if they to come...'

It now appears his dad IS coming - albeit with his own caravan - but as yet I'm unsure about how many sisters / kids - and therefore what the sleeping arrangements will be, although I have a fucking good idea!!!

AIBU in wanting to go away alone, just the three of us at times - or at the very least having that space at the end of the day in our own accommodation???

It's driving me fucking mad!

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 01/02/2017 01:46

DH and his family sound co-dependent, which is not healthy. He doesn't sound emotionally mature or as though he has separated from his family of origin if his first response to his wife suggesting a holiday is to immediately think his siblings/parents should also come along.

It's time to put your foot down, OP. Refuse to go on any group holidays this year. Next year, possibly consider going on ONE group holiday, of no longer than a week, and also insist on holidays with just your own family (DH/DC) and don't back down.

If DH won't/can't see your POV then you have bigger problems than just going on group holidays.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 02:25

summerof69notts I am very sorry, this sounds like shit.

He is in the wrong because he is not listening to you or even consulting you.

He is expecting you to spend three weeks of holiday away with his family. That is really unreasonable. Has it got worse since his mum died? I am guessing he is missing her, feeling sorry his dad is left alone and wants to make sure no one is left out. But this is hurtful to you. Presumably someone (you or he, or both of you) are working so there is not unlimited holiday. Plus kids are presumably in school so holiday for them is limited. And unless you are rich you are limited by money. He is taking all the time and money and manipulating it.

"Thanks everyone, I find myself analysing and going over and over this in my head all the time, wondering if it's just me overreacting - but you've made me feel better about myself at least." I love family, and love being with them but even I would find three weeks exhausting.

iogo · 01/02/2017 02:40

Totally wrong of him. I could easily spend 3 weeks on holiday with my Dad (and Mum when she was alive) but I could not have spent 2 weeks with my in-laws on holiday. Thus I'd never have expected my DH to do the same.

But that's not the actual issue. The issue is the lack of communication and respect and I would go bat-shit if my DH organised this without discussing it with me. (He did commit us to something with his mum once and I went along with it but he was left in no uncertain terms about my feelings on the matter and so has not dared do it again.)

iogo · 01/02/2017 02:41

And I also would not want a DN forced into my accommodation.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 02:49

"He likes to try and please everybody - ironically except me..." that's very clear, why is that, do you love each other, does he care about your feelings generally.

Personally, I hate camping and would rather stay home. I wonder how he would cope with all the kids without you there!

"And this time when I was 'told' what was happening it was at the pub, other people around us, and FIL looking at me expectently, (TBH I'm not so sure he didn't know either that hubby hadn't discussed it with me first) so there wasn't a lot I could say!"

I think you need to get tough with your dh, if you are willing to do this. Just say no more. Say next time he spring something on you in the pub in front of your father in law you will say that that is not possible because you have booked a family holiday just for your immediate family, paid the deposit etc (whether you have or not) and so no you cannot go on a family holiday and can you discuss it later just the two of you. Say it in front of them. Why is he getting away with this, because you won't say no and mean it.

When he did that to you, in the pub, in front of his family, what was the fall out, what did you say to him later and what did he say to you and you to him?

I would not go away for three weeks with someone else's child in my tent. I might offer a week then I would suggest we go somewhere else with the dc and just say if this is not OK then maybe you and your child will go elsewhere for a holiday.

The way he is behaving suggests he does not care much for you, if he does, he needs to prove it by listening to you wand making joint decisions.

Sprinklestar · 01/02/2017 03:57

Don't go, he can't make you. Why do his needs and wants trump yours? They don't... So just say no!

MrsBlennerhassett · 01/02/2017 04:14

YANBU id find that incredibly invasive. Im an only child and my family arent close at all. Thing is we all have different standards of the space we need. I think you are more than considering his needs by often going on holiday with his family but he is completely disregarding yours by rarely agreeing to spend time as just immediate family. You really need to sit him down and make him see how unfair this is to you and that just because he is used to living a certain way doesnt make it 'the right way' and your feelings and needs are just as valid as his.

Chinnygirl · 01/02/2017 04:20

He is not your boss. It's your vacation too. Tell him that you and the kids are not goong. He can go alone or plan a vacation together with you.

Stop being a doormat. And yes, i have vacationed with family but we either all wanted to or we don't do it.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 01/02/2017 04:40

The OP is taken for granted that she'll go and she'll enjoy it. I get ok Dad in Law is treated in a way because of the loss. Do his kids ever wonder if he wants time alone? Rather than 3 weeks I would say 1 week at the most.
Can't you have it so that different weeks, different grown up kids are with him? May a weekend when it overlaps. It's a good job you don't mind camping, 3 weeks in a tent with a niece or nephew, would drive me positively insane.
Is there a reason SIL gets the luxury of the caravan and you're basically expected to slum it, plus take on extra responsibilities.
Unless you want to be doing this for at least the next 14 years, put your foot down now. Tell him a week is perfect, FIL has SIL there with him so he won't be lonely. Can't we have our own holiday by ourselves, as you don't want DH to use up all his holidays for one occasion, if it can be helped.
If he says what about 2 weeks, put your foot down and say I'll happily come for a week, after that it's just you & your family. Travelling wise I think the only benefit is you get to have someone entertain your DC for the journey.
My friend was pretty much in a similar situation, SIL would click her fingers and DH would go running regardless. You don't want to have it where you cant even take a last minute break for a couple of days, without the in laws following you behind, you'll explode one day and it won't be pretty.
I hope those in agreement with you have given you the courage to speak up. I understand it's daunting as there's the expectation already there. I know I said 1 week at most, if he pulls a wobbly say ok 2 weeks. But then I'm definitely going home with DC. Plus next year we'll have a week away with the in laws and then 2 weeks on our own, that's a fair compromise.
I'm lucky that I'm always to busy to go to the in laws so they'll come here every 3 months. DC's play merry hell when they're about. It's been suggested we share a family holiday, I've already said you guys go by all means, but it's not my cup of tea.
You mentioned about having sex, plus not to mention cuddling and kissing, or any other behaviour that a 10 year old would find weird. I've got this weird image of a child either side of you whilst you try and have quiet time with DC. Unless DH takes the child for a walk or goes into the caravan and you have half an hour alone with DC. That might be an idea.
You said DH puts everyone ahead of you, does this include friends?

swimmerforlife · 01/02/2017 05:01

That sounds horrendous, I would be refusing to go this year and your dh can stay in a tent with the 10yo.

We do a long weekend with DH parents and siblings every year (normally at easter) which I enjoy as I get along with DH family and the cousins can spend some time together.

Every few years we will go abroad for about a week with DH family mainly for landmark celebrations. Again it's fine because DH is close with his family but I insist on having different hotel rooms and not all lumped in together because I need my privacy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2017 05:02

Personally I'd tell him you and your dd aren't going. And book something elsewhere at that time. If you can afford it. He can choose who he joins.

If that would cause too many arguments, I would definitely take dd away somewhere else for at least a week during that 3 week period. Give him the ultimatum come with us or stay with your family. His choice. And I'd never ever do the family holiday of 3 weeks again. Time to put up your boundaries and expectations on the marriage.

I've had similar shit pulled by dh. He invited "friends" to gatecrash our center parcs holiday in France. Just told me it was happening. He must have planned it because he got an extra bedroom under the guise he wanted a sauna. 3 fucking nights out of 7. They refused to look after dd for even an hour, got up at midday. Boasting about their freebie holiday (they'd just spent 10 nights at a friend's house with a swimming pool in southern France). And when I broached the subject of inviting us to stay with them as they both had a flat at the time, that wasn't possible. We are going to again at half term. I've categorically told dh no fucking way. Not even for a night.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2017 05:03

And they didn't contribute to the holiday obvs!!

Skooba · 01/02/2017 06:32

DF is probably not in his dotage. He should be looking to find his own interests, friends and hobbies. DH means well but a DF could (from my experience of widowers) find a new partner or friend to go on holiday with.

rollonthesummer · 01/02/2017 07:07

What did you say in private after the 'telling you in public in front of everyone about a family holiday' incident? I would have told DH exactly how I felt and what I would do if anything like that happened again.

roundtable · 01/02/2017 07:17

My sil goes on every holiday with her parent, as mil sadly died a few years back. Used to spend everyday visiting their house - until she made life easier by moving back in. She's in her 40's with 2 children. No additional needs - just been brought up to be so co-dependant on her parents she doesn't know how to function by herself.

The only way we didn't get drawn into the suffocating dynamic was to not give ou5 door key when we moved. Went out a lot (before kids) so we were rarely in when they just popped round and the like. We still saw them once or twice a week though. More than I see my parents!

It sounds like your personal barrier is the holidays. If dh isn't on board, I'd be tempted to just not go - and see him when he gets back. It is nice for cousins to play with each other and we've done some family ones for that reason but for everyone - I'd stop going to them all in your position.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/02/2017 07:36

It's the fact that you do not like it and he won't listen - many people do this - and that's fine and normal

But he won't even listen will he ?

Butterymuffin · 01/02/2017 08:12

You need to get tougher with him. Get the Anne Dixon book on assertiveness, A Woman in Her Own Right, if you know you find this hard.
I would tell him you feel like he considers everyone else's feelings but not yours. Offer the compromise of splitting the holiday, but where you have at least one week (at the end, not the start) on your own. If he talks about his father feeling left out, you can point out he'll just have had holiday time with you. If he won't agree to that, say if he's not willing to compromise at all, neither are you and your view is as valid as his.
Are you a SAHP?

notarehearsal · 01/02/2017 08:58

Araminta99 I clearly said that putting family of origin before the needs of your own partner and / or children is creepy. I stand by this, it is! It makes absolutely no difference whether a person loves their parents dearly ( I do) and adore their company. Your own family comes first

Andrewofgg · 01/02/2017 09:08

I like my BILs and their wives and their DC and I adored each other but on holiday with them? No bloody way.

As for a holiday with MIL that would have been a contradiction in terms.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 01/02/2017 09:09

so you say "let's go away for a long weekend"
he says "great I will ask the family along"

and this is the important bit

YOU immediately say "NO, JUST us" instead of gaping like a fish out of water as he invites all and sundry.

Thinkingblonde · 01/02/2017 13:53

He knows what he's doing, announcing this as a done deal in front of everyone in the pub. He knows you're too polite to kick off in front of everyone. He wasn't too bothered about putting you on the spot.
His dad must have known too.
Time to gird your ovaries op and put your foot down.
There is no way I'd put up with this.
My response would have been a quiet but firm 'No, that doesn't work for me, three weeks is too long for me. I'd prefer it if it were a week, possibly 10 days followed by a week just us and our kids.
Cat among pigeons yes. Shit hitting fan, yes. It's time they all gave you some consideration.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 01/02/2017 14:28

I honestly wouldn't go again until he got the message that you want a holiday without all the add ons. And tell him that. How bloody irritating.

Silentplikebath · 01/02/2017 14:50

I would refuse to go on any holiday that included arrangements that hadn't been discussed with me first. Your DH knew you wouldn't want to share your tent with a 10 year old which is why he didn't ask you first.

You need to start saying no more often, summer

EweAreHere · 01/02/2017 17:59

Have you talked to him about it yet, OP? Or shown him the thread.

Curious as to his defense of the indefensible...

rollonthesummer · 01/02/2017 18:22

Even in a pub in front of my father in law, I'd still have said no!

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