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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect to be able to holiday WITHOUT hubby's family???

100 replies

summerof69notts · 31/01/2017 14:07

Briefly...

Hubby is very close to his family (2 sisters and dad - mum died 18 months ago). My family is different - while we're all happy to spend time together we don't live nearby and we don't live in each other's pockets. While I knew when we first met that he was close to his family - it was one of the first things he told me - I didn't realise I was marrying the whole bunch of them!

Before we met he always went on holiday with his mum and dad, and often his sisters and their kids (and sometimes partners) would join them.

In the five years we've been together we've had a couple of short breaks just me, him and our LG - other than that we have a 3 week holiday with his parents every year (obviously, last year it was just his dad, which actually made me feel very left out much of the time) - if we go on any short breaks he always asks his dad and his sisters 'as he doesn't want anyone to feel left out'.

This year his sister and 3 kids are joining us for the 3 week holiday - there won't be enough room in his dad's caravan for all of them so it was decided (no discussion with me) that one of the kids will sleep in our tent for the whole 3 weeks - as well as travelling with us as there won't be enough room for them all in his dad's car.

When I tried to point out that I would actually like some space on holiday when we're not all together - i.e. at night time at least and wasn't happy about the extra child in our tent, let alone it had all been decided without asking me first - he went off on one, and we've not been able to discuss it since.

Then last week I suggested going away for a couple of days (meaning just us) and he turns round and says 'I'll ask dad and the girls if they to come...'

It now appears his dad IS coming - albeit with his own caravan - but as yet I'm unsure about how many sisters / kids - and therefore what the sleeping arrangements will be, although I have a fucking good idea!!!

AIBU in wanting to go away alone, just the three of us at times - or at the very least having that space at the end of the day in our own accommodation???

It's driving me fucking mad!

OP posts:

notarehearsal · 31/01/2017 15:42

But isn't the general idea in our culture to produce children to bring them up to be as independent as is possible, to then have the skills to form new relationships with partners ( if that's what they choose) and to form their own family, whatever that may be for them. It doesn't mean you then discard your family of origin, hopefully, but it also doesn't mean you stay enmeshed with them. I have a friend like this who is well into her 40's. Her family of origin are considered and thought of for every single minute of her life, they appear to come before her own offspring and most certainly her (ex) partner. They, the parents and siblings of friend are always informed about all arrangements, what friends she will be inviting for dinner, when they will all go on holiday, what colour she will paint her sitting room etc. I find it quite creepy tbh. It's almost like the original parents will not allow their offspring to grow and the 'child' hasn't got a true idea of themselves as an independent adult

JakeBallardswife · 31/01/2017 15:46

It would drive me round the bend. Is it too late to back out of the 3 week holiday and just say you'll be accompanying them for 1 week but then moving on and doing your own thing for the remaining 2 weeks?

MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 31/01/2017 15:46

Oh good lord this sounds absolutely awful. I get on well with my family and my inlaws and we occasionally (every 2 or 3 years) go on a holiday with them all. But every holiday? Fuck no. I need time to myself and to bond with my own little family.

How would your DH feel if you had arranged a holiday that he wasn't happy with and presented it as a fait accompli?

He needs to compromise. Assuming you have a certain number of days holiday that you can take from work, then you should make an agreement of how many of these can be spent on holiday with your inlaws. More than half would be entirely unfair.

If he won't compromise then there is no way I would go on any of these "holidays".

jcne · 31/01/2017 16:01

Oh my goodness I would lose my mind

jacks11 · 31/01/2017 16:03

YANBU

Your DH is not listening to you, taking your feelings/wishes into account- in fact he is completely ignoring them- or consulting you about decisions. That is a problem in any relationship. I wonder if this extends into other areas of your relationship?

I think you need to be quite blunt with him about how much it upsets you that he places more value about his wants/keeping his family happy than he does about you.

I don't think it is unreasonable to want to spend almost every holiday with his family. I also don't think it is unreasonable to want to be consulted about holiday plans, such as looking after an extra child every night of a 3 week holiday.

jacks11 · 31/01/2017 16:05

Sorry- it is not unreasonable to not want to spend every holiday with his family!

EweAreHere · 31/01/2017 16:05

Honestly? I wouldn't go.

Your husband is being selfish and inconsiderate, although he probably views himself in quite the oppose way, because he is completely disregarding your, his wife's wants and needs.

Why do his wants trump yours always?
Why does he make these plans behind your back knowing you don't want all your holidays to be like this?
Who makes a decision about sharing a tent with someone else's child without talking to the other person who will be forced to share the tent?

When do you get a break from HIS family?

This would make me seriously reevaluate my relationship with my spouse. If you don't have children, I'd honestly think about ending the marriage if things don't change. You come last, apparently. Do you want to stay there for the rest of your life?

clerquin · 31/01/2017 16:06

I stopped being a martyr and succumbing to emotional blackmail to go on an annual weekly summer holiday with the ILS enmasse a few years ago and it has proved to be a massive relief if not marriage saving!

It didn't help to discover that my SIL (by marriage) didn't enjoy the outings either due to the different priorities/different ages of family members. It just felt stressful, and tbh, felt like everyone was participating under duress.

We bowed out when I utterly refused to go camping one year and had no intention to buy/borrow camping kit. I openly said to DH that he was welcome to take the kids without me to which he refused to, on the grounds that it would be too much work/no holiday for him .

I do feel that MIL puts the blame at my door but sometimes, it's nice to put your own needs first!

ILoveDolly · 31/01/2017 16:07

Wow that would make me so crazy! It is occasionally nice to go away as a family but not as standard

redexpat · 31/01/2017 16:11

There are 2 issues here. The nature of your holidays and how decisions are made in your household.

My ILs are a bit like this. Dh grew up running in and out of his cousins tent and caravan. My mil relaxes by having her ALL family around her. I am an introvert. One year we rented a holiday cottage 40 mins away and had people visiting every bloody evening. I wanted a break from them. But having said that MILs emotional iq is theough the roof and since then we have only had holiday visits from her twin sistwr and FILs only sister, which is well within my comfort zone.

I think you need to acknowledge your dhs need for time with his family, but that equally you need time with just your immediate family (rather than away from HIS family). Ask him what comprimise he suggests.

I would also ask how he would feel if you just decided domething without consulting him. What if you just decided to sell the car? Turn vegetarian?

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/01/2017 17:12

You are a saint !!

No way could I do this !!

A family holiday. Fine. Not a problem. But a week/10days. Def not 3w

Def not every holiday

I understand dh hates leaving his dad alone. I feel the same , my mum died 2.5yrs ago and once my brother and I both away at same time but emailed dad daily and made sure neighbours aware we were away

To have another child in with me , this I wouldn't like. No privacy and yours is likely to be asleep 7ish and 10yrs awake for longer

Sil needs to find another solution. Say you had a 2nd child then what? Hers wouldn't fit

She needs to hire a bigger tent or caravan for all of hers to sleep in

Not to offload her child to you

Dh is obv not listening to you :(

happypoobum · 31/01/2017 17:50

His sisters and their partners and kids actually go on holiday by themselves, or with friends, and - quite rightly - don't ask us along so it's not an expectation on their part, I don't think, that they're invited along on every trip.

So why the fuck is your DH expecting you to tolerate this every bloody holiday? It's WEIRD AS SHIT.

How would he react if you said you are going to book a holiday and it's just for you?

How would he react if you said you were not going to attend a holiday with his family?

Creampastry · 31/01/2017 18:10

Sounds like he doesn't want to spend time with you..., he's a dick.

pluck · 31/01/2017 18:41

His "not wanting to leave people out" is contradictory: you feel left out in these holidays revolving around his family of origin!

CharlieDimmocksbosoms · 31/01/2017 19:09

Am I the only one who feels sorry for the child who no one has got room for? Why can't he/she travel or sleep with parents?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 31/01/2017 19:13

And who knows - we're on holiday, a few drinks, feeling relaxed - I might even fancy a shag or two! And that AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN with someone else's 10 year old a foot away from us!!!

I actually hadn't considered that scenario! No, that would put a dampner on things a little!

Araminta99 · 31/01/2017 19:16

notarehearsal that's ridiculous, maybe she loves her parents and likes to share what she is doing with them? There is nothing creepy about it, lots of people view their mum/parents as their best friends and are really close. Many of my friends are really close with their parents and it's a testament to their loving relationship.

OP, as someone who has lost a parent I can understand your DH wanting to include his Dad. But 3 weeks does seem too long. Can you spend a week with them and a week just you, DH and DC?

KatieScarlett · 31/01/2017 19:17

Now I am one of the weirdos that like to go on holiday with our families. However, I need very seperate rooms, cars and the understanding that the only fixed communal point in our day is dinner.
A caravan and a tent would drive me nuts. Zero privacy. Hell no.

Chloe84 · 31/01/2017 20:05

How are things between you when you're at home? (intimacy etc)

A child in your tent for 3 weeks rules out sex.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 31/01/2017 20:11

It's not about would he do the same for you, it's about you not being able to make your own choices regarding holidays, in this instance you have responsibility for a child too.
I would be rather miffed, 3 weeks is a long time, surely a compromise would be a week with them and two weeks elsewhere. Or switched around.
I feel for you being lumbered with this child. If car journeys aren't stressful enough. Plus you'd have to be inclusive and watch what you say.
Is there no way at all you can be relieved of the child in the tent with you. What happens if you want to DTD?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 31/01/2017 20:21

I would ask your DH if he spent all his holidays as a child with the grandparents. I bet not.
In any case, why can't you have several tents?

rollonthesummer · 31/01/2017 20:25

I could not bear this but I would be saying something every single time he did it. If you suggest a break for your family and he suggests inviting his dad-I would say, 'absolutely not. We need some time away just us and I don't want you to ask anyone else, please.'

If he did invite others, I would cancel the holiday and not go.

dollydaydream114 · 31/01/2017 20:54

Oh god, I would find this unbearable. I love my family dearly and I love DP's family too, but I couldn't handle having other people on holiday with me. I have stayed in a holiday apartment with my parents for a few days, but me and DP went and did our own thing during the day and just saw my parents in the evening when we went out for meals. Even then, a few days was enough.

I absolutely can't deal with being surrounded by lots of people, and I can't deal with confusion, chaos, weird sleeping arrangements etc at all. I would go mental within 48 hours of a holiday involving various in-laws and a random ten-year-old sleeping in a tent with me.

I know that lots of people love being around people all the time and it's lovely that your DH is so close to his family ... but you, him and your kids are a family too, and he needs to understand that you need some time as a unit of your own. It's normal to enjoy spending time with parents and siblings but it's not normal to be unable to cope with the idea of going away without them.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2017 20:58

Well I wouldn't worry about the ten year old, they won't have any issue with uour child getting into bed with you and they certainly won't want to, can't they just head over to their parents when they wake up?

Stuffedshirt · 31/01/2017 21:03

I think the OP has just got to say no.

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