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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be able to holiday WITHOUT hubby's family???

100 replies

summerof69notts · 31/01/2017 14:07

Briefly...

Hubby is very close to his family (2 sisters and dad - mum died 18 months ago). My family is different - while we're all happy to spend time together we don't live nearby and we don't live in each other's pockets. While I knew when we first met that he was close to his family - it was one of the first things he told me - I didn't realise I was marrying the whole bunch of them!

Before we met he always went on holiday with his mum and dad, and often his sisters and their kids (and sometimes partners) would join them.

In the five years we've been together we've had a couple of short breaks just me, him and our LG - other than that we have a 3 week holiday with his parents every year (obviously, last year it was just his dad, which actually made me feel very left out much of the time) - if we go on any short breaks he always asks his dad and his sisters 'as he doesn't want anyone to feel left out'.

This year his sister and 3 kids are joining us for the 3 week holiday - there won't be enough room in his dad's caravan for all of them so it was decided (no discussion with me) that one of the kids will sleep in our tent for the whole 3 weeks - as well as travelling with us as there won't be enough room for them all in his dad's car.

When I tried to point out that I would actually like some space on holiday when we're not all together - i.e. at night time at least and wasn't happy about the extra child in our tent, let alone it had all been decided without asking me first - he went off on one, and we've not been able to discuss it since.

Then last week I suggested going away for a couple of days (meaning just us) and he turns round and says 'I'll ask dad and the girls if they to come...'

It now appears his dad IS coming - albeit with his own caravan - but as yet I'm unsure about how many sisters / kids - and therefore what the sleeping arrangements will be, although I have a fucking good idea!!!

AIBU in wanting to go away alone, just the three of us at times - or at the very least having that space at the end of the day in our own accommodation???

It's driving me fucking mad!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/01/2017 14:51

Then last week I suggested going away for a couple of days (meaning just us) and he turns round and says 'I'll ask dad and the girls if they to come...'

tinymeteor · 31/01/2017 14:52

If you're definitely doing 3 weeks with his family in caravans and tents, then I'd give in and say yes to having the extra child. Not much to be gained by saying no at that point, you'll be in each other's pockets anyway and it'd be a shame to make a child feel rejected just to make a point to the adults.

Other than that, Yanbu whatsoever. Spending time with the family is great but it shouldn't be the default assumption, and you should totally be able to go away by yourselves. I don't know anyone who does anything like that much family holidaying.

Melfish · 31/01/2017 14:52

YANBU. Sounds like my idea of hell.
Do the partners of your sister in laws go? If not, why not? Has their absence made any impact into the 'we must holiday together' mentality of your DH's family.? Is there a financial reason why they go away en masse such as your FIL paying for them? I'm trying to think of reasons why on earth you'd want to spend all your holidays with your extended family?

Personally I would refuse to go, or go for only part of the 3 week holiday. If DH asked then I would tell him I did not want to spend that long a break with my own family, let alone his.

Original poster
summerof69notts · 31/01/2017 14:52

His sisters and their partners and kids actually go on holiday by themselves, or with friends, and - quite rightly - don't ask us along so it's not an expectation on their part, I don't think, that they're invited along on every trip.

He used to go with his parents to support his dad with his mum (she liked a drink...) and more recently, since his mum died he worries his dad is lonely and will feel left out if he's not asked.

He likes to try and please everybody - ironically except me...

OP posts:
Ewock · 31/01/2017 14:54

That does sound an awful lot. We (dh and 2 dc) go on holiday with my parents for a week. It means we can have 2 holidays a year 1 with parents 1 just the 4 of us. It also means that dh and I can have a nighy out as my parents babysit for 1 evening during the holiday which selfishly I love. But it is always discussed before any decisions made and if my dh didnt want to holiday we would talk it through and decide whether to go or not. Although I'm not sure what advice to give you on how to get your dh to listen to you sorry op x

terrythetrex · 31/01/2017 15:00

My DH is the same in 6 years we have had only our honeymoon without his bloody family. It drives me nuts, I am not even particularly close to them. I have repeatedly said I want a family holiday just my dh and the dc without them, this year sil found out where we were going and booked the same place at same time. So not even invited.

I have said in no uncertain terms, that next year it is only us and dc or I am not going at all. It has to stop.

what annoys me more is sil is quite well off so has 3 holidays a year, we have one and it takes all year to save for it, paying it off monthly and she invades it, and I dread it.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 31/01/2017 15:01

This is not fair, OP. It might be a good idea to show him this thread because he obviously feels that his way of doing things is 'the norm'.

There's a really easy compromise here - have some holiday time with the wider family and a separate holiday with you, DH and DC. You've tried to implement this and he has overruled you by inviting his family on the second holiday without asking you. That is not OK.

Having a strop when you try to talk to him and refusing to engage with you on what is actually quite a major relationship issue like this is borderline abusive. It's not right that he shuts you down in this way and it's very controlling behaviour on his part.

Is he controlling in other ways?

Megatherium · 31/01/2017 15:02

Point out that your family are entirely different and that the kind of closeness he has with his family is alien to you.

Not just alien to you, alien to most normal people. I'm amazed his sisters even go along with this nonsense.

Original poster
summerof69notts · 31/01/2017 15:03

The sister in laws partners don't always go as one is a farmer so doesn't get much time off. The other SIL and her partner are happy to do their own thing away from each other...

I totally agree with the person who says about not wanting to make the child feel rejected by making a point - BUT no one thought to ask me if it was ok this time - and hubby knows how I feel about it as it was sprung on me last year - twice! - on the first day of actually being ON holiday (short breaks, thank god!) that we would be having another child sleeping with us due to lack of space in FIL's van so I had no option but to grin and bear it. And this time when I was 'told' what was happening it was at the pub, other people around us, and FIL looking at me expectently, (TBH I'm not so sure he didn't know either that hubby hadn't discussed it with me first) so there wasn't a lot I could say!

OP posts:
ZouBisou · 31/01/2017 15:07

I agree with TheSmurfsAreHere (bottom of page 1). Compromise is the only way forward. Although holidaying with either my family or DH's wouldn't be my cup of tea, it's not in any way wrong or weird that some people prefer family holidays.

AddToBasket · 31/01/2017 15:08

The problem isn't the amount of time he wants to spend with them, the problem is he isn't listening to you.

Some people love tonnes of people around, others don't. That's fine, just different sorts of people. But here you are telling him that you need to be considered and he is ignoring you. That's not fine.

You aren't going to change his willingness to hang out with his family. I'd be saying No, flat No, to any holiday I wasn't involved in the planning of. He can do what he likes but I wouldn't be going.

Gazelda · 31/01/2017 15:12

He's not listening to you. Do you spend all of Christmas and other celebrations with his family too?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 31/01/2017 15:13

I can understand DH wanting to include his DF on your main holiday so that he doesn't feel left out. I can also see that it might be nice to go away for a few days with your siblings & families each summer.

But that's it!

YANBU at all to want a family break with just your immediate family at some point in the year! Could you book yourselves a long weekend somewhere & present it to DH as a done deal? Maybe he wouldn't feel the need to invite everybody if he wasn't the one doing the organising/booking?

The nephew/niece sleeping in your tent wouldn't bother me though. If you are all on holiday together anyway & space is an issue it just seems sensible. I might want to be on a different camp site to the rest of the family, but I wouldn't mind a spare child in my tent Grin.

GeordieShorefg · 31/01/2017 15:16

My In Laws are would be doing this if I went along with it

When my SIL got married, the ILs went on the honeymoon, in a caravan..now I'm not being funny but either they didn't have sex for the entirety of their honeymoon, or their parents got a right ear full every night. They spend every weekend with the In laws . It got to the point where they just didn't know how to be together never had anything to say to each other, or any intimacy as there was always an audience. At the minute they are going through a really rough patch as BIL was found to be having an 'emotional affair' with someone..

No one other than me seems to be thinking that the cause of this is because they do not have any kind of private life

GeordieShorefg · 31/01/2017 15:17

Sorry I forgot to add, YADNBU. I would refuse to go, but let him go if he wants

KitKat1985 · 31/01/2017 15:20

Ugh, YADNBU and I feel your pain. DH's family are like this, although thankfully DH understands my need not to have every holiday with them. I've done short breaks with them and frankly that's enough. DMil keeps talking about us (meaning us, SILs and BILs and nephews) going away with them on a long haul trip for 2-3 week. They're nice enough people but no way do I want to be surrounded by another 6 adults and 3 young children for that long, and use up that much annual leave / money on a trip I wouldn't particularly enjoy. I like my own space and am a bit of an introvert, so to have to socialable for that long would do my head in!

One SIL, BIL and nephew seem to go away with one of their respective sets of parents for every holiday they go on. I find it a bit odd. Surely as a married couple they would like some time on holiday without other family there?

Original poster
summerof69notts · 31/01/2017 15:22

The nephew/niece sleeping in your tent wouldn't bother me though. If you are all on holiday together anyway & space is an issue it just seems sensible. I might want to be on a different camp site to the rest of the family, but I wouldn't mind a spare child in my tent

See that's the thing - I DO mind another child in my tent as my child is 4 and this one is 10 - I WANT to be able to have my child in bed with me in the morning for cuddles and reading and generally spending time together that we don't often get when we're at home, rushing around in the mornings getting ready for school and so on. How can I do that with the other child watching? Do I say get in too? No, it's MY child I want to spend that time with. Do I let the other child sit and watch and ignore them?? Send them 'next door' as soon as they wake up???

And who knows - we're on holiday, a few drinks, feeling relaxed - I might even fancy a shag or two! And that AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN with someone else's 10 year old a foot away from us!!!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 31/01/2017 15:22

Refuse to go on the holiday. I would.

ShatnersWig · 31/01/2017 15:24

I actually couldn't live with someone who took no account of my feelings in this way.

KitKat1985 · 31/01/2017 15:25

GeordieShorefg yes my SIL, BIL and nephew mentioned above are exactly the same. They seem to be over PILs house pretty much every day, and now they are talking about all moving in together. Hmm They can't ever have any private time together or much physical or emotional intimacy. I'm not convinced it's healthy.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 31/01/2017 15:27

YANBU at all, you and your dh need to sit down and really talk about this. Its not much of a marriage if he is constantly going to put his family above you and your child!!

MycatsaPirate · 31/01/2017 15:27

That sounds suffocating.

It seems that while his family are close, none of the adult children seem to have cut the apron strings. Definitely not your DH if he still feels like he needs to please his dad.

I couldn't cope with that.

kel1234 · 31/01/2017 15:29

I wouldn't be happy with that.
It's nice he is close to his family, and perhaps now and then a joint holiday would be nice. However you are entitled to go away just you. I'm sure it would be lovely to spend some time just you.

Stuffedshirt · 31/01/2017 15:34

Yes, definitely get him to read this thread! He needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

CryingShame · 31/01/2017 15:42

I think I would also stress to him that the dynamic has changed now that his mum has died and he, as the sole male child, is spending more time with his father. This is understandable but holidays are a time for him to be spending with you. Because his dad is on his own, that dynamic with him as the sole male child isn't going to change, so your relationship needs that time away from the dynamic.