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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work vs Babysitting

77 replies

User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 13:26

Inspired by another thread.

I have a group project to do and the only time I would be free that week is on Thursday- this is due to work. The other people in my group would only be free on Friday - this is due to childcare. If we really wanted to we could get together on the weekend (everyone has a partner free to babysit and has discussed they would both be home and free) but they don't want to take time away from their kids/ their weekend off for the three hours we need.

I have now been told that we are getting together on Friday, despite not being free. When I explained I had work they said well we have kids and that's more important. (We are a group of 5 and all four women have children and are a little older).

AIBU or is this not fair? I understand no one wants to study at the weekend (I'm working then too so would have to go before/after the session). I don't understand how them having kids has suddenly trumped my job. Confused

OP posts:
FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 31/01/2017 13:29

I don't think it's kids vs job it's more likely to be that the majority of people can go at that time. It doesn't sound like there's a time that will suit everyone.

Original poster
User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 13:31

Sorry that's just the best way I could think of shortening it in the title.

We do have a time we can all get together, its at the weekend but they're refusing to and would rather get together on the Friday even if it means pushing me out of the group or forcing me not to go into work IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Honeypickle · 31/01/2017 13:32

It sounds like a majority v minority when discussing availability, if everyone else is free Friday apart from you, then it makes sense to go for then (and has nothing to do with childcare v work).

Honeypickle · 31/01/2017 13:32

It sounds like a majority v minority when discussing availability, if everyone else is free Friday apart from you, then it makes sense to go for then (and has nothing to do with childcare v work).

Original poster
User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 13:34

That's the thing, there is a time we can all go - the weekend.

I have been told by one of them ''Well our childcare is more important.'' (Because my job is part time). Which is why I'm treating it more of childcare v work, rather than majority v minority.

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 31/01/2017 13:45

but they're only free on the weekend if they "really want to" - and they clearly don't really want to do whatever this group project is on the weekend, presumably 'cos they want to do more interesting things.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 31/01/2017 13:51

1 person votes for Thurs. 4 people vote for Friday. 0 people vote for weekend.
Seems like a simple equation to me. The reasons don't actually matter.

Allthewaves · 31/01/2017 14:23

Could someone take notes an email you stuff. Can you do your bit of prep and give it to someone in the group

Original poster
User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 14:26

No we can't, we all need to be together to do it, its like a presentation we have to ensure our info is right and be ready to give it infront of the entire course IYSWIM.
We do need to get together - I understand I can't do Friday and they can't do Thursday - I think the weekend is a compromise but they just don't want to do the work then. I wouldn't mind but I think if its for the degree we can all spare 3 hours of our time for one weekend. I don't want to do it then either but it has to be done.

OP posts:
NotLadyPrickshit · 31/01/2017 14:38

As someone who has kids, works & studies I kinda agree with OP...

Sometimes I have to organise childcare to study, sometimes I have to study on the weekends because that's when I can get suitable childcare & sometimes I have to take the kids with me if I can't get childcare & there's a group thing organised because other people shouldn't have to be put out & risk a failing grade because I have kids.

If this is a group project & everyone should be present to participate then in this instance the group should meet on the weekend when everyone is available... they may not want to but unfortunately sometimes that's the joys of studying while being a parent - I don't particularly want to spend this evening reading 4 chapters of my capital punishment book after working all day, going home to make dinner, do housework & get the kids to bed but I will because I need to so that I can pass my course!

SparklyLeprechaun · 31/01/2017 14:42

If it's a group project where everyone has to be present then the majority can't overrule the minority. You'll just have to stand your ground and say you can't do Friday, it will have to be at the weekend.

HarryTheHippo · 31/01/2017 14:46

Is there a course leader you can email?

Surreyblah · 31/01/2017 14:48

They are in the majority and want Friday.

This stuff happens with work meetings all the time.

Surreyblah · 31/01/2017 14:49

and IMO YABU for wanting 4 people to give up family time at a weekend to accommodate you.

Original poster
User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 15:05

Thank you NotLady we seem to have the same POV - if we all have to be there then we all have to be there.

-There is a course leader I can email but I don't want to get her involved, these women are all 5+ years older than me so don't want to be the one who went and tattled IYKWIM. They're a bit of a clique so don't want to get involved with ''telling'' on them, they're already condescending due to my age.

-I want to be clear, I don't want to be meeting up at the weekend either! I have work on the weekend for a few hours and I could also travel home but I am willing to not go and see my family (I haven't in 3 weeks) so we can get the work done as the weekend would be a compromise. Its only 3 hours, even less if we buckle down and get it done, so its not like it will take all day.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 31/01/2017 15:09

Can they do it without you on the Friday? If not its tough then and they will have to do the weekend. If they can then it's tough for you sadly.

NotLadyPrickshit · 31/01/2017 16:18

Surrey it's a group project & ALL members of the group must be there to participate therefore the majority is irrelevant as the WHOLE group needs to meet up on a day when they are all free - in this case the weekend.

As for giving up family time to accommodate their study this is something which should have been considered by these women when making the decision to return to study.

I can just imagine asking my tutor to rearrange an exam because my kids nativity was on the same day (I missed it) or saying that I can't attend the compulsory annual residential because it's a week away from my family (FaceTime was a godsend) - I know exactly what the responses would be "no" & "I'm afraid you'll fail your degree then".

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 31/01/2017 16:30

So they are all free on Friday, you aren't, so you want to try and force everyone to move it to the weekend? You realise you can't do that, don't you?

Chloe84 · 31/01/2017 16:43

OP, you can't do Friday so tell your course leader. Otherwise you risk losing marks, I imagine?

Original poster
User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 16:51

We all have to be together - we can't do it with anyone missing.

We could have done it last week (I had suggested different days, different times etc) but one person wouldn't be able to turn up on one day and then the next another person couldn't do it. Because one person would be missing then we didn't meet up. (I was panicking a little, I have anxiety so like to do my work ASAP which makes group work stressful.)

Now its so close to the due date and they've realised that, they want to get it done even if it means cutting me out which they didn't do last week. I think they've realised they pushed it back and pushed it back too much and now its sort of right on top of the deadline.

If we can't all get together on Friday or Thursday we need to compromise - everyone but me getting together on Friday isn't a compromise. No one wants to give up a weekend day (me included!) but we need to do it and just get it done.

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 31/01/2017 16:53

Or, as they are planning, they could do it without you being there, with you contributing/preparin alone. that's what often happens in study groups and at work. Not ideal, and not your fault, but how it often is.

TataEs · 31/01/2017 17:47

if they propose to do it without you have they discussed how they will compensate for this to insure your grade, and theirs doesn't suffer?

when is the presentation? can you say 'i can't come on fri day, as i have made clear, as such i have prepared some notes on x section, if you could read through them and make notes on anything you feel should be included and email them to me friday evening. i shall present that portion of the presentation. the situation is far from ideal but with no one willing to arrange a time we can all attend i do not wish to be completely excluded.'

MissMrsMsXX · 31/01/2017 17:49

They sound unreasonable. You cannot attend on Friday!! What about evenings?

Original poster
User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 17:56

Evenings are a no go - we're in uni until 6:30pm basically everyday, this can sometimes go on longer if the lecturer goes on a ramble.

We have to each do our own section of the presentation anyway, but we also have to do a corroborative section and we must be professional (i.e have practiced the presentation before hand, reading it out, the presentation is also timed so cannot run over or under etc). Its not something we can do over email.

Its due on Monday! I'm very annoyed. My section was completed two days after the work was given out. Like I said before, I think they were in the mind of ''Oh we have two weeks, we have another week, we have this long left...now its due Monday and they're panicking that it isn't done IYSWIM. This is why the same week we got it I made a group chat and discussed dates we could possibly get together but all efforts of organising things were shot down.

I have emailed my tutor about the situation (although asked her not to contact the students) so she will understand the trouble I've had with getting together to do the work). I've also sent her my work so she knows its been done in advance and not last minute.

OP posts:
ParadiseCity · 31/01/2017 18:24

It sounds very stressful. Do you think you could swap work shifts for this once? You shouldn't have to, but for the sake of just getting it done, it might be the most pragmatic solution?

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