Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Work vs Babysitting

77 replies

User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 13:26

Inspired by another thread.

I have a group project to do and the only time I would be free that week is on Thursday- this is due to work. The other people in my group would only be free on Friday - this is due to childcare. If we really wanted to we could get together on the weekend (everyone has a partner free to babysit and has discussed they would both be home and free) but they don't want to take time away from their kids/ their weekend off for the three hours we need.

I have now been told that we are getting together on Friday, despite not being free. When I explained I had work they said well we have kids and that's more important. (We are a group of 5 and all four women have children and are a little older).

AIBU or is this not fair? I understand no one wants to study at the weekend (I'm working then too so would have to go before/after the session). I don't understand how them having kids has suddenly trumped my job. Confused

OP posts:
User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 18:41

I've tried swapping shifts and I can't. Very small staff of 8. All students too so all in lectures themselves.

I've suggested can they bring their kids? (I know not super practical but I want to just get it over with). Maybe we can meet up at soft play with our laptops. Got shot down, two of them said they would have to keep an eye on their kids too much (I totally get that) and one said she would never take her kid to somewhere like that.

I'm waiting for my tutor to reply to my email.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 31/01/2017 20:36

They need to compromise and give up the weekend then. You have to work. You need to earn money to live and eat! If they had organised themselves it wouldn't be a problem. Do make sure you go to work and get paid. At least you are not in a position that they can do it without you and you'd be screwed.

User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 20:59

Thanks, I am going to work. I would be much more sympathetic if they hadn't left it all to the last minute and turned down every one of my offers to meet up.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 31/01/2017 21:08

Exactly! As you have said, it's not like they don't have options for the weekend. They just don't want to.

NotLadyPrickshit · 31/01/2017 21:34

User you have done all you can for now. Hopefully your tutor is understanding... I hate group work for this reason!

melj1213 · 31/01/2017 22:45

There is a course leader I can email but I don't want to get her involved, these women are all 5+ years older than me so don't want to be the one who went and tattled IYKWIM. They're a bit of a clique so don't want to get involved with ''telling'' on them, they're already condescending due to my age.

OP I know you said later that you emailed your tutor, but I wanted to pick up on this point you made earlier.

It is not "telling" on other students to make a tutor aware of issues with group work. Your course leader will be very used to dealing with issues like yours, and would probably prefer a proactive email early, when they can do something to help, than not knowing there's a problem until it's too late.

When I was at Uni, whenever we did group work my course leader would always stress that she wanted to hear of any issues early, even if we thought it was a small thing. Her reasoning was that she was more than happy to get explanations for issues with group work, but once the deadline had passed and the presentations had been completed - except in exceptional circumstances - there were no more explanations, only excuses and she had no time to deal with those. It was treated the same as extention requests - if you contacted the tutor before a deadline to ask for extra time, providing it was a reasonable request, you were more than likely to get the extention. If you rocked up on deadline day or late the day before/after the deadline to ask for an extention you would be flatly refused as you should have come to see the tutor at a much earlier date.

So if you did a bad presentation but then emailed afterwards to say "It was bad because nobody would meet up at the same time, 2 of us did half the work, and X didn't reply to any email we sent" then she would ignore it as it is often a very easy excuse to use for poor performance, and she has no proof either way. If it got to presentation day and you do a bad presentation BUT, had emailed at some point before the due date to say "I've tried to work on this presentation, the work I've done is attached to this email and I have copies of all group messages if you want me to forward you the evidence of the issues if necessary, but my group is being really difficult to work effectively with.

User1234567891011 · 31/01/2017 22:52

melj1213 You talk complete sense!

I had the same issue in the first year with a different group and did go to the tutor about them - he said basically what you just said. If you speak up before it can be considered but if you say it after its just seen as an excuse.

My tutor hasn't emailed me back yet but she is the sort who will understand (I hope!). I've found out tonight that two of them are free on Thursday but because they're mates with the other two (One of these two its like the 'leader') they are agreeing with her.

I feel like I'm in bloody high school again!

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 06/02/2017 03:07

Any updates, OP? Did you all work out a suitable time to meet?

FWIW, I think the weekend date was the best compromise.

EmeraldScorn · 06/02/2017 04:18

Well if they aren't prepared to compromise then you really have no option but to bring the matter to your course leader as I would imagine if they turn their work in and you don't, it will be you who is penalised.

A group is meant to work together for the benefit of the whole team, not for a majority and therefore it really doesn't matter what the other 4 want when it only serves to benefit them.

You're going to have to be more assertive; I'd send a group message to them all along the lines of....

"Hello everybody,

I understand that we have conflicting schedules and what suits one doesn't suit the rest but unfortunately this project is due very soon and we have no more time to waste.

On the basis that we are a team for the purpose of this assignment I propose that we reach a compromise so as to allow everyone to participate without exclusion or exception.

I gather from our previous conversations that weekends are very precious to you and just like you I'd rather not be in the position of having to do collective group course work on a weekend, but the reality is it has to be done.

I will make myself available insert date and time because I care about this course, I am serious about my achievements and I want to do well, hence why I enrolled on the course in the first place.

If for whatever reason you feel unable to commit to insert date let me know asap so I can contact our course leader to inform him/her of the issue - I don't want to lose marks to accommodate your other commitments, and I am sure you would feel the same way."

There you go, polite but to the point; Don't be a bloody push over, speak up. They won't give a damn if you fail, stop thinking of their needs - You offered a compromise, they refused, contact your course leader!

Trifleorbust · 06/02/2017 05:38

I think the issue here is that you consider their weekends to be 'free' and they consider their weekends to be busy with their children. Neither is right or wrong. You can only contact your tutor, I think.

User1234567891011 · 06/02/2017 07:52

Update:

Hi guys, thanks for all of the info. I did get in touch with my tutor in the end, she told me my work looked really good and she had read through the group messages and agreed that they could meet up at the weekend (the messages said they were free/had childcare/were going to coffee together) and that they were the ones putting the brakes on the whole thing. She emailed them to explain that since they were free she expected us all to meet up together - we did meet up on Saturday (I let them pick a time etc) but they hardly spoke to me and the looks I got said it all really. We were together for about half an hour before one of the women left with the other two. Anyway I told my course leader what happened and she said she would be marking my work separately to theirs and they would be marked down as we were also being marked on our team working abilities (its important to have this skill for our course). Presentation is later on today so will let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
User1234567891011 · 06/02/2017 07:53

*other three, sorry. (I'm nervous for this bleeding presentation haha)

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 06/02/2017 08:04

Good luck user.

At least your course tutor sounds reasonable! A friend of mine had similar, put in heaps of work, other 2 contributed little and wouldn't meet up. Groups had choice of a group mark or individual mark and other 2 told tutor they had all agreed to go for group mark!

My friend put her straight and got the A she deserved. They did not

User1234567891011 · 06/02/2017 08:07

Rainbowqueeen Thank you! That's awful, at least she got it all sorted out in the end. My tutor is lovely and she just rolled her eyes at their behaviour, she said I'm not the only person who's having problems with their group.

OP posts:
MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 06/02/2017 08:10

Good luck.
Well done for contacting your tutor. Group work can be horrendous if one or more members don't want to contribute properly. Just one person's actions can affect other people's hard work quite badly and as such can be very unfair. I would think that this is why tutors say to come to them before so they can take the issues into account and not fail everyone due to one team member.

Trifleorbust · 06/02/2017 08:12

It's a bit harsh, OP. If I were them I would be emailing the tutor and explaining that I don't see my time with my children as 'free time', it is my children's time.

User1234567891011 · 06/02/2017 08:17

Trifleorbust This was considered free time as in the messages they said they were meeting up for coffee together without the kids and had also said they ''don't do work'' at the weekend. I had also tried to organise us getting together in places the kids could be accommodated (like soft play even though its not ideal for study) if they didn't have childcare but this was turned down. I had also tried to meet up with them during the week in the weeks previous to the deadline and everytime I was shot down.

OP posts:
Trills · 06/02/2017 08:17

A group project with 5 people sounds like a nightmare to organise - wouldn't smaller groups be better?

User1234567891011 · 06/02/2017 08:19

Trills I agree! I don't agree with group work for stuff that counts towards grades in uni. I always think I'm paying so much money to rely on other people for my good grades. It makes no sense to me Hmm

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 06/02/2017 08:25

Okay, if they were definitely all meeting without the kids for long enough to do the work then that sounds...odd.

User1234567891011 · 06/02/2017 08:27

Trifle Yeah, they made it pretty clear they don't ''do'' work at the weekend. As in they don't want to work because they think they shouldn't have to as its their time off (time off meaning they're not in uni - not that looking after kids is time off).

OP posts:
ChaChaChaCh4nges · 06/02/2017 08:29

So what happened? Did your tutor get back to you?

CarTrack · 06/02/2017 08:37

This thread had brought back the horror of 'group presentations' from my Uni days.

Such a stressful pointless exercise and there's always one lazy bastard who gets carried along and given the grade they did no work towards Angry

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/02/2017 08:39

RTFT ChaCha.

OP I hope it goes well. Sounds a tricky and stressful situation. You did the right thing.

User1234567891011 · 06/02/2017 08:41

Chacha It says in my update upthread :)

CarTrack Like I said before! I'm not paying £9000 a year to rely on other people for my grade! It makes no sense at all, I get your fury. Angry

Thanks guys! I'll update later after the presentation, hearts beating a bit fast though, I hate public speaking.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread