To think that my DH is out of order.

[MrsBramble5]

Please help.

This may sound petty to some but to me I've had a long road of struggling with DH not taking accountability for things when he is in the wrong.

Just need to give you some background info before explaining tonight's drama. Basically, my dad is one of the most lazy, selfish people you could meet (I don't like writing that, but it's true). I've always made it my main aim in life to make sure I never turn out like that. It's a bit of a running joke that he doesn't know how to work a kettle as he never lifts a finger, just gets my mum to do everything for him. It's awful and something that I find very upsetting. This has resulted in me never asking people to do things for me, well as much as possible. If I can do it myself, I will.

Basically, this evening I was having a massive drama with my phone, I'm moving networks and my number is moving over tomorrow to a new sim but my phone wasn't accepting the new SIM card. DH and I were sat in the living room and I told him what was going on. I got up and got the laptop out to try to see if I could figure out a solution to what was going on. I said to him "can I ask you a massive favour, is there any chance you could get me a drink?" His face dropped and he looked at me as if to say, are you kidding me? I started to be very apologetic and said "I'm sorry, it's just I'm having a massive drama here as you know but I've been thirsty for hours" (been busy putting kids to bed, making packed lunches etc.) he then just carried on staring with the same expression. I started to feel worse until I had a quiet word with myself and realised that I'd asked him for a favour and it in no way warranted this reaction. He knows how much I hate asking anyone to get me a drink because of the situation with my dad. He then preceded to say. "Look, I just think you should have asked me differently". At this point, I was furious. It's a drink. I'm having a massive drama here. Why are you turning it into this? The minute I grew a backbone and actually said how I felt, he stormed off! After me pressing the matter. I eventually get an apology of "I'm sorry if I upset you. I'm not sure exactly what happened and I was only joking but IF I was being unreasonable, I'm sorry." I know this apology would be acceptable to some but only last week I was begging him to hold DD for me as my arms were killing me. I asked him about 6 times and he refused. Then when I got upset he said it was "a misunderstanding".

I didn't accept tonight's apology because I'm sick of it. He still maintains that I should have elaborated straight away as to why I needed him to do me this favour etc. It all seems so petty but after 10 years, I don't want to carry on like this. I feel afraid to tell him I'm upset because I know that if I do, he'll argue tooth and nail that he's not in the wrong and I hate the confrontation. If I don't confront him, it gets left that I'm the unreasonable one and if I do confront him, at best I'll get a half hearted apology after a massive row when he's not being unreasonable (which is most of the time) I really love the man he is. Caring, loving. But this side of him just causes me so much hurt at times. Please help. Is it me who is the problem?

Stop with the needly oh please thank you massive favour shit and just tell him what you need from now on.

Good grief his attitude is totally unacceptable as was his refusing to hold your dd.

Lottie called it first and others have agreed.

OP, stop calling a small request a "massive favour" and start paying real attention to how much your husband pays attention to your needs and tries to make things better for you. It sounds as though you do a lot for him and have inadvertently led him to expect you will never ask for anything.

Here's a practice one (maybe others can suggest more) "Husband, I want to take a long bath / go for a walk / something else relaxing that means you'll be out of the way - can you please look after our kids while I do that?"

His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Once again, whatcws his reaction when you asked him to hold his own child cos your arms were tired?

I'd be peeved of my DH refused to make me a drink if o was busy but tbh he'd have taken the phone off me and sorted it anyway so I'd have made us both a drink

Well whatever happened this morning has already happened. You say you can't change him and that is absolutely true - no-one can change anyone else's behaviour but they can change their behaviour which in turn will change the behaviour of the other person, not necessarily for the better, but the dynamic will change.

I'm wondering how long you've been together and you've chosen to post about "drinkgate" when there must have been many times during the course of your r/ship with this man when you have been unhappy and upset because of his behaviour. I'm puzzled by some of the things you say - on the one hand you claim that you can't let anything go because of the way your dad behaved and on the other you admit to being afraid of him and are tiptoeing around him - posting at 5.00 a.m. to ask what to say to him this morning!! I've just read the last para of your OP - and this many is in my view emotionally abusive - you can't do the right thing and if he sniffs criticism he will sulk, not because he's upset you but because you've upset him by having the cheek to ask for a drink can you not see that?

It looks like you have school aged children and a baby so you have obviously been together a while unless the older children are from another marriage/relationship. Sorry just seen you have been together 10 years and you say in your OP that "you* are sick of it- I'm not surprised. You're frightened to tell him your upset because he will argue "tooth and nail" that he's not in the wrong. You say he is mostly reasonable but I find that hard to believe. I suppose it depends on your concept of reasonableness. What sort of father is he?

I'm sorry if I'm coming across too direct but this man is following in the footsteps of his father - that's what happens in life isn't it. Sometimes people have enough insight to know their parents were wrong and make sure they don't copy them in the r/ships and their parenting. It isn't your fault OP - other than you are putting up with it. Try changing your behaviour - doesn't have to be major - test it out on something small - relationships I think are like plays - we each play our part and there is a script. Change the script in a small way and watch his reaction. He will likely be confused as unconsciously we know how our partners will react and if you change the script it will confuse him. Give it a try!

And yes stop with the martyr behaviour definitely!