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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my DH is out of order.

80 replies

MrsBramble5 · 30/01/2017 23:01

Please help.

This may sound petty to some but to me I've had a long road of struggling with DH not taking accountability for things when he is in the wrong.

Just need to give you some background info before explaining tonight's drama. Basically, my dad is one of the most lazy, selfish people you could meet (I don't like writing that, but it's true). I've always made it my main aim in life to make sure I never turn out like that. It's a bit of a running joke that he doesn't know how to work a kettle as he never lifts a finger, just gets my mum to do everything for him. It's awful and something that I find very upsetting. This has resulted in me never asking people to do things for me, well as much as possible. If I can do it myself, I will.

Basically, this evening I was having a massive drama with my phone, I'm moving networks and my number is moving over tomorrow to a new sim but my phone wasn't accepting the new SIM card. DH and I were sat in the living room and I told him what was going on. I got up and got the laptop out to try to see if I could figure out a solution to what was going on. I said to him "can I ask you a massive favour, is there any chance you could get me a drink?" His face dropped and he looked at me as if to say, are you kidding me? I started to be very apologetic and said "I'm sorry, it's just I'm having a massive drama here as you know but I've been thirsty for hours" (been busy putting kids to bed, making packed lunches etc.) he then just carried on staring with the same expression. I started to feel worse until I had a quiet word with myself and realised that I'd asked him for a favour and it in no way warranted this reaction. He knows how much I hate asking anyone to get me a drink because of the situation with my dad. He then preceded to say. "Look, I just think you should have asked me differently". At this point, I was furious. It's a drink. I'm having a massive drama here. Why are you turning it into this? The minute I grew a backbone and actually said how I felt, he stormed off! After me pressing the matter. I eventually get an apology of "I'm sorry if I upset you. I'm not sure exactly what happened and I was only joking but IF I was being unreasonable, I'm sorry." I know this apology would be acceptable to some but only last week I was begging him to hold DD for me as my arms were killing me. I asked him about 6 times and he refused. Then when I got upset he said it was "a misunderstanding".

I didn't accept tonight's apology because I'm sick of it. He still maintains that I should have elaborated straight away as to why I needed him to do me this favour etc. It all seems so petty but after 10 years, I don't want to carry on like this. I feel afraid to tell him I'm upset because I know that if I do, he'll argue tooth and nail that he's not in the wrong and I hate the confrontation. If I don't confront him, it gets left that I'm the unreasonable one and if I do confront him, at best I'll get a half hearted apology after a massive row when he's not being unreasonable (which is most of the time) I really love the man he is. Caring, loving. But this side of him just causes me so much hurt at times. Please help. Is it me who is the problem?

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/01/2017 03:10

Because of your history I feel your perception is completely skewed...

What onemillionscovilles said... Anyone in a postcode relationship should be proactively doing nice things...
'bloody hell that looks like a job and a half.. Shall I make a drink? ' not to try and gaslight you... With you having to jump thru hoops to ask in the' right way'...

I'm sorry he sounds particularly unpleasant....
I'm sorry

Batteriesallgone · 31/01/2017 03:34

I call getting me a drink a 'massive favour'. I don't think picking apart the OPs language is all that relevant. If you love someone you're used to the way they talk surely. The OH saying she was asking in the wrong way is strange.

It doesn't sound very kind OP. When I'm stressed and ask my OH for a drink as a massive favour he does it and jokes about how now he's done me a massive favour I can return it and give him a million pounds / a kidney / other outlandish thing.

A little joke about you asking in a silly way is one thing but refusing to help you because he doesn't deem your language appropriate is controlling.

TheDowagerCuntess · 31/01/2017 03:50

I read your OP, describing your lazy father and got to the...

This has resulted in me never asking people to do things for me, well as much as possible. If I can do it myself, I will.

...part, and totally expected it to read:

This has resulted in me^ making absolutely sure that I don't end up with a man like this for a husband^.

When it didn't, I was like

As lots of previous posters have observed, this means you are absolutely RIPE for a man exactly like your father to take absolute advantage of you. And what do you know. One has.

Sorry OP.

mrsmuddlepies · 31/01/2017 04:11

You claim to be so independent but you don't drive and so he has to do the shopping. You do sound a bit of a martyr and I wonder if there is a back story here? You say he is really helpful 95% of the time. It would drive me mad if someone made such a drama out of a drink. Do you work outside the home OP?

Original poster

MrsBramble5 · 31/01/2017 05:01

Thanks for letting me know your perspectives on this. It's eye opening and I accept the comments saying that I'm acting like a martyr and to ask that way is wrong. I can see now how that would be annoying to many of you. I'm going to try to change this.

To those saying that I made a mountain out of a molehill by falling out with him over a drink, I didn't want to. I'd have preferred to apologise to DH and go next door and get myself a drink as soon as he started acting like I was asking too much. It's my history of being in an abusive relationship which makes me force myself to stand up for myself, regardless of how unimportant the subject matter may seem. It's a self preservation thing. If I didn't do this, I'd be prime suspect to become a complete doormat and I won't/don't want to allow that to happen that me.

We both went to bed last night and didn't say 2 words to each other. What should I do in the morning? What should I say? If I enter into it all again, it'll just blow up in my face. It'll be round 2 and then I'll probably only get another "non apology" then he'lol only get annoyed again that I'm not accepting this.

OP posts:

NightWanderer · 31/01/2017 06:12

Honestly, I think a normal person in a normal loving relationship if asked to get a drink for their partner whatever the circumstances were would have just done it. Id tell him that you dont want an apology but youd appreciate it if hed reflect on that. Thats all.

TheDowagerCuntess · 31/01/2017 06:24

It's my history of being in an abusive relationship which makes me force myself to stand up for myself, regardless of how unimportant the subject matter may seem. It's a self preservation thing. If I didn't do this, I'd be prime suspect to become a complete doormat and I won't/don't want to allow that to happen that me.

But the flipside is happening - because you're so determined to do everything and never, ever asking for help, you're a sitting duck for somebody ready and willing to take absolute advantage of that. Somebody just like your father.

As to what to say to him ... I don't even begin to know. Maybe. 'when you're done sulking over being pulled up for reacting so bizarrely to such a simple request, let's talk. Properly'.

melj1213 · 31/01/2017 06:30

I'm sorry you were in that relationship and what you went through, but - and I say this with the best of intentions - this is a very black and white, rigid and extreme system to use, especially as you're using it as a one size fits all response, when it doesn't always work and you're making life harder for yourself and other people.

You don't have to apologise but you also don't have to make it a hill to die on either. Yes he could have just done it, but his response followed your over-dramatic, martyr like asking in the first place. On his response, there were more options than apologising or digging your heels in. You could have asked what his issue with the question was, or why he felt like it was inappropriate, you could have said "Forget it I'll get my drink myself," and then discussed afterwards why he reacted how he did, etcetc.

That situation wasn't about "standing up for yourself" against an unreasonable request or response, it was about your OH feeling like your request was unreasonable in itself, as well as being unreasonably worded ... and you then making it into a huge deal for the sake of your rigid thinking re: standing up for yourself. What could have been a reasonable discussion turned into huge drama (well even more so than it had already unnecessarily been) and that was not your DH's fault alone.

ConvincingLiar · 31/01/2017 06:43

Sounds like a lot of drama but mostly his fault. You need to focus on not turning into your doormat mum.

DameDeDoubtance · 31/01/2017 06:44

He is a massive ass and it sounds like it isn't the first time. You'll be putting up with this shit for years unless you do something. MrsBramble try to get the thread moved to relationships, the advice is excellent.

You are not being a martyr, you know if the roles were reversed you would have got him a drink without the drama. The trouble with this sort of behaviour is that you never know when it's coming, you minimise your behaviour so you don't upset your partner and that's no way to live.

When you say he wouldn't take your child when you were hurting, that's just awful, really awful.

Crumbs1 · 31/01/2017 06:53

Sounds like a storm in a teacup and lacking the honesty and closeness of a normal relationship. You were 'having a massive drama' over a telephone SIM card? Really? It's a mobile phone for goodness sake, a bit frustrating but hardly a drama. You do sound a tad martyr/hard done by.
What your father was like is irrelevant- you are an adult now and your life is your responsibility.

My husband would probably fall of his chair laughing if I asked a huge favour that turned out to be tea. "Put the kettle on" is usually sufficient.

SEsofty · 31/01/2017 07:03

And his good qualities are?

Chloe84 · 31/01/2017 07:05

OP, from your last post, it sounds like the things you have taken on board are 'martyr' and 'making a mountain of a molehill'.

A lot of posters have made good points about red flags in your DH's behaviour, which I hope you noted.

RubyWinterstorm · 31/01/2017 07:14

His behaviour was crappy

But I don't get why the phone thing was such a "massive drama" you could get yourself a drink?! I just don't get that bit.

What I don't understand is why he did not offer to help out with the phone situation...

It seems you almost asked for a random thing which you could have easily done yourself, but you were too scared/worried to ask for help with the real issue?

wilsonkitajoyce · 31/01/2017 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KellyBoo800 · 31/01/2017 07:16

Your DP is being an arse but you sound difficult too OP. No one, in their own house, would go for hours being thirsty because there were just too busy to make a drink. It takes seconds. Your DP should have made you one but I really can't believe that you couldn't find any time in the previous few hours to make one for yourself.

Which to me just sounds like you were busy, asked him for a drink, he reacted in a shitty way and you've turned it into even more of a drama by giving it thus bug back story of being so thirsty for hours.

He was being shitty, you don't need to add drama.

Original poster

MrsBramble5 · 31/01/2017 07:16

Honestly, I really am taking on board the things which many posters are suggesting is wrong with my behaviour. I am grateful for the comments mentioning red flags as these were things I was already concerned about myself. Unfortunately, I cannot change these things, only DH can, but it really helps me to know that it's not just me who is the problem and that I was right to think his behaviour isn't okay. I just wish I could make him see from my point of view

OP posts:

TobleroneBoo · 31/01/2017 07:29

As others have said, but it's probably not about the drink, it's just a build up

Let him speak to you this morning

Also next time, just say something along the lines of "can you grab me a drink / put the kettle on please?"
With the baby, just hand her to him - it's a natural instinct to put your arms out and hold

DameDeDoubtance · 31/01/2017 07:31

MrsBramble next time post in relationships love.

Chloe84 · 31/01/2017 07:31

I don't think you should accept he is this way. Have you talked to him about your father and why you rarely ask for help?

Does he expect help from you? I would give him a taste of his own medicine.

When you asked him to hold the baby, and he refused, what was his reason?

Charley50 · 31/01/2017 07:32

He's sulking to punish you for your outrageous suggestion that he make you a drink. So you won't ask him again. If he's still sulking this morning maybe text him (if your phone is fixed!) and say you don't want any more sulking and tell him to ask his colleagues if they cause all this hoo ha over being asked to make a drink for their loved one. He needs to learn that his behaviour is out of order.

Naicehamshop · 31/01/2017 07:36

Let him speak to you this morning??

What are you trying to say Toblerone? She should quietly stand there and take his point of view on board with her head bowed?

Naicehamshop · 31/01/2017 07:42

What Charley said. Then pull him up on it every single time - but without the massive drama!

I find it helps to just assume that the other person will do the reasonable thing without actually asking, iyswim. "Just hold the baby a sec" holding baby out to him, rather than "would you do me a huge favour and hold the baby!"

Hth.

TobleroneBoo · 31/01/2017 07:43

No of course not naiceham

He should make the first move to be apologizing...

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 31/01/2017 07:46

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your partner to get you a drink, we do it all the time. Or if I'm doing laundry I'll ask him to do another chore so it gets done quicker. He was really out of order OP.

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