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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my DH is out of order.

80 replies

MrsBramble5 · 30/01/2017 23:01

Please help.

This may sound petty to some but to me I've had a long road of struggling with DH not taking accountability for things when he is in the wrong.

Just need to give you some background info before explaining tonight's drama. Basically, my dad is one of the most lazy, selfish people you could meet (I don't like writing that, but it's true). I've always made it my main aim in life to make sure I never turn out like that. It's a bit of a running joke that he doesn't know how to work a kettle as he never lifts a finger, just gets my mum to do everything for him. It's awful and something that I find very upsetting. This has resulted in me never asking people to do things for me, well as much as possible. If I can do it myself, I will.

Basically, this evening I was having a massive drama with my phone, I'm moving networks and my number is moving over tomorrow to a new sim but my phone wasn't accepting the new SIM card. DH and I were sat in the living room and I told him what was going on. I got up and got the laptop out to try to see if I could figure out a solution to what was going on. I said to him "can I ask you a massive favour, is there any chance you could get me a drink?" His face dropped and he looked at me as if to say, are you kidding me? I started to be very apologetic and said "I'm sorry, it's just I'm having a massive drama here as you know but I've been thirsty for hours" (been busy putting kids to bed, making packed lunches etc.) he then just carried on staring with the same expression. I started to feel worse until I had a quiet word with myself and realised that I'd asked him for a favour and it in no way warranted this reaction. He knows how much I hate asking anyone to get me a drink because of the situation with my dad. He then preceded to say. "Look, I just think you should have asked me differently". At this point, I was furious. It's a drink. I'm having a massive drama here. Why are you turning it into this? The minute I grew a backbone and actually said how I felt, he stormed off! After me pressing the matter. I eventually get an apology of "I'm sorry if I upset you. I'm not sure exactly what happened and I was only joking but IF I was being unreasonable, I'm sorry." I know this apology would be acceptable to some but only last week I was begging him to hold DD for me as my arms were killing me. I asked him about 6 times and he refused. Then when I got upset he said it was "a misunderstanding".

I didn't accept tonight's apology because I'm sick of it. He still maintains that I should have elaborated straight away as to why I needed him to do me this favour etc. It all seems so petty but after 10 years, I don't want to carry on like this. I feel afraid to tell him I'm upset because I know that if I do, he'll argue tooth and nail that he's not in the wrong and I hate the confrontation. If I don't confront him, it gets left that I'm the unreasonable one and if I do confront him, at best I'll get a half hearted apology after a massive row Sad when he's not being unreasonable (which is most of the time) I really love the man he is. Caring, loving. But this side of him just causes me so much hurt at times. Please help. Is it me who is the problem? Sad

OP posts:
PickAChew · 30/01/2017 23:47

I often stand by the sink or kettle faffing with a stubborn tablet or phone!

If you had more presence of mind, you could probably have managed a drink, in good time (mug, tap, gulp x howevermuchisneeded), but your DH did fail at the point of seeing that you needed rescuing from a situation, however ridiculous it might have looked to hmi.

mum11970 · 30/01/2017 23:48

Depends whether you refuse to make him drinks or help him out. You say you never normally ask him to do things for you but do you also insist he never asks you either?

SlankyBodger · 30/01/2017 23:49

Yes, you've married your dad. This one gaslights too.

Original poster
MrsBramble5 · 30/01/2017 23:51

I suppose we don't ask much of each other really but that's the very reason why I would never, ever begrudge him anything. I love him and if he needs my help with anything, bug or small, he knows just to give me a shout and I'll be there to do whatever he needs. I just thought that was mutual but his actions at times prove otherwise. Even if he asked a lot of me, I'd always do whatever I could to help him.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 30/01/2017 23:52

You need to change your mindset and your language before he will change.

'Would you pop and get a drink for me' takes it to the level of 'favour' it actually is and therefore minimises any potential drama!

Stop this shit in it's tracks now and him.

Switch yourself into not wanting to be the doormat your mum is, that should help!

Original poster
MrsBramble5 · 30/01/2017 23:52

Sorry for the typos.

OP posts:
MsJudgemental · 30/01/2017 23:53

What Slanky said.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 30/01/2017 23:53

Why was how you asked for a drink 'wrong'? Apart from calling it a massive favor, when it isn't.

NightWanderer · 30/01/2017 23:58

Does he ever accept that he's wrong? Does he ever apologize?

Do you think it's a case of I'll give you anything you want, as long as it's not something I don't want to give?

Original poster
MrsBramble5 · 31/01/2017 00:04

When I initially got upset at him, he said "look, I've got too much on my plate at the moment, I could really do without this!"

I feel at times he can be a little selfish. He finds it hard to ever accept any wrong doing and on the odd occasion when he has really admitted his fault, he sulks like you wouldn't believe about how upset he is that he's behaved that way, rather than trying to make it up to the person who he has hurt (if that makes sense). His dad is a very domineering man who can't ever be in the wrong and my husband has definitely inherited some of those traits. I worry that if I don't stand up to my husband in these situations, this side of him will take over and I couldn't cope with that.

OP posts:
garlicandsapphire · 31/01/2017 00:09

Yes of course I've asked a favour but normally if someone else is already going to the kitchen. Just sounded like a bit of a drama over nothing. If you can get out of a seat to get a phone then why not get a drink for yourself?

I have been caring for a long time for a seriously ill parent who needs everything done for him because he's too weak and frail so maybe I cant register other people's problems over what seems to me tiny things.

I hope you sort it out. Its not worth falling out with someone you love over not getting a drink. I wouldn't generalise it into a bigger thing.

Lorelei76 · 31/01/2017 00:19

OP what you describe sounds a lot like my dad
We were very low contact because I won't tolerate it

Mum is now seriously ill so we show a fake truce because we bith do her care, but I know she is sad she put up with his behaviour all these years. To be fair he is now better but we even have to brush her hair for her at the moment so I think that makes him stop being an arse, he knows she'll be gone soon, plus he knows if he is an arse again he'll never see me after she dies.

So I do get that he will help out if you are seriously ill etc but I guess it's about what you are prepared to put up with. You say he's like this 5% of the time. If it's really that I'm not sure you'd post? The thing about these obnoxious gits is they make one incident months long, can't apologise and just generally are horrible to be around. So one or two things easily equates to a huge amount of time being miserable.

Sorry about the family story but my point is, do you want to be pushing 80 and thinking "dammit, should have got rid of him half a lifetime ago"?

Your post is only one tiny piece of your life of course, it's just I can see a lot of red flags.

RhodaBorrocks · 31/01/2017 00:37

Wow. XP was not abusive, passive aggressive, gaslight ingredients arsehole and yet when I was busy I could still say, "I could murder a coffee. Pop the kettle on for us?" And he would without complaint.

Massive red flags op. I agree with pp who said you've married your DF.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 31/01/2017 00:51

Yes he sounds like a dick, but also you both sounds like you create "massive dramas" out of thin air. It all sounds utterly exhausting and deeply unhealthy.

OneMillionScovilles · 31/01/2017 00:54

I've only known my gf since November. If she's stayed over and is having a pootle around in the morning while I get ready for work, she'll yell up the stairs for eg "do you want me to feed the cat?" (Then she's been known to make me a bacon sandwich so I'm fed before I leave the house. First breakfasts of my adult life - I'm not good at self care!) I think proactive "favours" are what a healthy relationship looks like ("shall I pop the kettle on for you?" etc) - your partner NOPEing out of small, reasonable requests doesn't feel kind or like what people deserve in a relationship.

RhodaBorrocks · 31/01/2017 01:00

*was an NOT was not!!!

RhodaBorrocks · 31/01/2017 01:01

And *gaslighting

FFS. It's late.

Marcipex · 31/01/2017 01:17

It's not a massive favour to make your partner a drink. It's ordinary give and take.

If you began with all the sorry, massive favour, talk to me, I'd think you were going to ask me to change my Will or something.

LonginesPrime · 31/01/2017 01:22

I agree with Narky and the other PPs who highlighted the fact you framed getting you a drink as a massive favour.

You needed him to get you a drink because you were having drama with your phone. You needed him to hold the baby because your arms were killing you.

Why is he refusing to do these things in the first place? And why do you need to be experiencing some hardship in order for him to help you?

MommaGee · 31/01/2017 01:33

What was his reason for refusing to hold his own child?

I've been known to ask DH to pass me the drink he's made me be ruse he's closer to it than me -and I'm a princess- that's a healthy relationship not "can't you do me as huge favour possibly please and fetch me drink?". " no because you asked wrong!"
Really not convinced on the 95% not an arse

spooniestudent · 31/01/2017 01:43

Maybe you should concentrate a little less on not turning into your dad, and a little more on not letting your dh act like him? But I do agree with pp that it's an over dramatic way of asking- you wanted a drink not his kidney. I tend to say something like 'stick the kettle on would ya' to dp if he's in the kitchen or I'm busy

MagicChanges · 31/01/2017 01:53

Mrs Bramble - I suspect you are just "lifting the lid" off the problems in this r/ship. You say he is a diamond for 95% of the time ad you love him, but the ridiculous notion of you not asking for a drink in "the right way" is just awful.
Your last post says you feel he can be "a little selfish" and then go on to describe how he never admits he's wrong, sulks if he does admit he's wrong and is like his father who never admitted he was wrong and was domineering. You say you couldn't take it if these traits inherited from his father took over...........................sorry Mrs B they already have and will get worse over time and I suspect you are an "eggshell" walker so as not to cause him to get angry - that won't work either I'm afraid. Be prepared for a rough ride............................

melj1213 · 31/01/2017 01:54

"OH, I'm in the middle of trying to sort this, but I'm absolutely gasping, any chance you could stick the kettle on for me? Ta!" That would be how it went in my house anyway.

OP you are making a giant mountain out of a molehill ... it's not a massive favour but I can imagine that your DP might get tired of the martyr routine after a while. You want him to put the kettle on, so just ask him that without all the over dramatic excess "Oh please do me a MASSIVE favour, So sorry for asking but I'm so desperate, been thirsty for HOURS. I wouldn't ask but I really need you to ... put the kettle on." I can imagine after a while it gets as wearing to have someone make such a song and dance about asking something minor, as to have them ask lots of little things all the time and you just get to the point of "Really? You're causing such a drama about wanting me to get a drink?!"

And yes it would have been nice of him to do it but I can kind of see your DH's point, I honestly I don't see why you couldn't do it yourself in this instance. It would be one thing if he had got up to do something or go to another room and you'd asked "Oh while you're up could you grab me a drink?" but you were both just sitting there and you wanted him to get up and get you a drink because you were "busy" and he wasn't. However, what you were busy with was neither time sensitive nor required constant concentration that couldn't be broken for a minute while you grabbed yourself a drink either.

SouthWindsWesterly · 31/01/2017 02:16

FWIW that's not an apology. That's him saying he's sorry you felt that way. He doesn't take ownership of any wrong doing - he passive aggressively turns it around so it's your fault. You're right not to accept it because it isn't actually one.

Not holding the baby, being offended you've asked for a drink - fuck that. He only wants to do manly jobs like driving and fun times with the kids. How very dare you ask him to do a woman's job.

Life's to short. Tell him that was it wasn't misunderstanding - that wasn't an actual apology and he was being a twat. And never make him a cuppa again.

Motherfuckers · 31/01/2017 02:27

Why are you asking like that? It sounds really downtrodden. Why not just say "hold the baby" or "please could you get me a drink." I think your effusive pleading makes you sound less independent, not more.