Please help! I know IABU :(

[Jellymuffin]

I'm 11 weeks pregnant with DC2, DS1 is 3.5 and is my world. I was very unsure about having another child, I work full time and do all drop offs and pick ups and was worried I wouldn't be able to give DS everything with another one. Went through a horrible period of uncertainty before trying hard to conceive. Nothing happened, I felt sad and eventually decided to stop trying, made plans , came to terms with DS being our only. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant while husband was away with work. Have felt nothing but fear and depression since. I'm not excited at all, feel tired and sick all the time. Husband tried to be supportive and has said we can abort if I'm not happy about being pregnant. I feel all over the place! Please someone help me come to terms with how I'm feeling and what's happening. DS was a horrendous baby, I have constant digs from my mum about how hard I'll find things and how difficult things will be. I'm so so so sad and confused. Please help,

No. 2 was a total surprise to me too, born 5+ years apart. Had all the same feelings/worries/horror. Best of friends then and now. Same age difference with DGS's and they are totally in love. It will be okay; sending you

My pair are a little over four years apart and like you I agonised over whether we were spoiling everything, etc etc. Had people telling me the age gap was too big, etc (only people with smaller age gaps - what did they know?)

They are a total bloody dream. They adore each other, and the big one is always talking about ways he'll look after DS2 when DS2 goes to school. (They are currently 5 and 1!) They are both delightfully nutty and make me laugh every day.

DS2 was also a dream newborn. Piece of piss, really. I enjoyed my second mat leave so much more. It's been a bit of juggling since being back at worth and doing school + nursery runs but then they hug each other at bedtime and play nonsense games together and it's all worth it. I'd suggest getting your DH to pick up some of the pick up/drop off load, though, even if it's only once or twice a week. Most men I know who say they couldn't possibly do that could, but don't want the hassle so are full of bullshit.

And you'll get to be at home when your DS starts school - so brilliant for him and lovely for you.

You know, at first you will be distracted by the baby, and yes, at first you will probably wonder if you've turned your eldests world upside down...but when the youngest is around 2 and they really start playing together it 's great. Just the best thing. It's hard to uderstand through adult eyes sometimes (like when they look like they are trying to kill each other) but when they want to sleep in the same bed or cuddle up the sofa to watch a film together, it's so heartwarming. Siblings are a real gift.

There are some good books on amazon about coping with the second child. Maybe have a read and you might feel more prepared? Type second baby into amazon.

First - shoot your Mum!
Second - take a deep breath
Third - stop thinking!

There is never a good time to have a baby, whether first, second or whatever. When it comes to the crunch, we manage, as indeed you will. You are a bit overcome because you had resigned yourself and adapted to the idea of one child and this has rocked your foundations. Don't panic!

My dc2 was a very easy, laid back baby. We had a similar age gap to you, which was brilliant. DC1 was able to eat, get themselves dressed etc when I had a newborn and was pretty independent by the time dc2 was a toddler.

DC1 and DC3 were hard work as babies. But DC3 felt easier than DC1 because I had more experience at that point. It really felt nowhere near as bad as DC1, despite the extra work, lack of sleep etc.

Please seek help for your anxiety (although, frankly, being anxious seems a very understandable response to your mum's unhelpful digs and your unsupportive dh). There's lots of help out there. You sound like a very caring and thoughtful mum.

Congratulations Op. It may not feel like it but this will very likely work out just splendid. You say that your first child will be starting school around the time that your baby is due, that is really a perfect time! You will be on maternity leave to support your first child as he transitions into school and still be able to catch up with sleep during the day with your baby.

I agree with other people, you should find some support/counselling. But do not be too alarmed by what you are feeling. First pregnancies are often all hearts and roses but subsequent pregnancies often come second to work/home/family that is already there monopolizing our time so often feel a little less special/fussworthy. You will be fine :)

You are all so very kind and supportive X saying that I sound a good mum means so much. My mum has NEVER said a single positive thing about my parenting and I suppose it's knocked my confidence.

Hi, couldnt read & run!! I "accidentally" got pregnant with DD2 when DD1 was 6 months old<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Shock" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/shock-7MJQdU1X.png"> We went through every emotion possible-we only planned on having 1 !! Thought about aborting, me carrying heavy loads so the decision was effectively taken out of my hands-all to my shame in hindsight<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> DH very nearly left me, but rang the Samaritans to sort his head out-was on the phone for more than 2 hours, scared the life out of me, as I thought hed committed suicide while looking after DD1 He hadnt!! He feels so guilty that he didnt want her throughout my pregnancy, until we thought we`d lost her in childbirth, when he realised he really did want her!!!
It really work out for you, I was such a nervous mum first time round, but you get to trust your instincs by the 2nd!! I had a whole different set of things to deal with with DD2 than DD1, but I was a lot more confident the 2nd time around.
And, Yes the love does stretch!! I was really worried about that too!!

Incidentally, some of the mums at the nursery DD goes to have intentionally planned their second babies with exactly the same timing as you... being on maternity leave with your second should mean that you can get DS1 settled in at school and do all the pick-ups yourself (e.g. without having to start all the after-school care too at the same time). They reckon it's great timing for getting their oldest child settled in at school!

Don't be scared. It is a really special thing to give your DC siblings and to have a sibling. I absolutely treasure my DB, he is wonderful. We don't see each other often but when we do we love our time together and communicate by phone and text all the time.

Regarding parenting two DC, please don't panic. There will be more wonderful moments then rubbish ones and you will learn fast how to care for two. It seems so much more scary than it is. It comes more naturally than learning to parent with one. Watching them grow together is special too. They will punch each other and cuddle each other in pretty equal measures.

Any concerns you have about PND just voice them to your healthcare workers (midwives, HV, doctors, etc). You can get the support you need but you need to speak up if you feel you need help as they can't read minds.
I hope you start to look up and focus on the positive with this pregnancy.

Do you think you can distance yourself from your Mum, it sounds as her relationship with you is actually causing more problems than it gives you support!!!

I would say that the first year of two was hard work. You might find it easier with dc1 in reception though. After a year they can play together and interact more and the baby is less work.

It will be ok. Don't panic. You have enough love for both of them.

It's a fab gap, have done that one three times!
All the benefits of an only more than once!
Pregnancy is nine months for a reason. It takes you that to get used to the idea of having a baby.

I has DS1 after a number of miscarriages. I was dreadfully sick throughout the pregnancy, had SPD, fairly awful labour and birth, PND followed. He never slept, had colic and reflux and the early months were so very hard.
We were fairly sure that he would be an only child and were happy with that.
When I found that I was accidentally pregnant with DS2 I was terrified and cried for weeks BUT... it was a reasonably easy pregnancy, the birth was a doddle, no PND either. I had a home birth and the most awesome memory of the whole thing was the baby's first cry and DS1's voice coming over the baby alarm, full of wonder, saying "That's my baby!"
There is two and a half years between them and they have always been really close. DS2 has Aspergers and I don't think anyone understands him as well as his big brother.
They are early 20's now and I can hear them laughing like mad, playing some video game together.

My 3.5 year old dd2 came up to me, unprovoked, threw her arms around me and said "mummy, thank you for giving me a baby sister" (I know she'd have said the same if she'd had a brother). She then gave me a big kiss. I still well up every time I think of it. They are always cuddling, kissing & laughing together. Dd2 (11 months) chases dd1 around in her walker, much squealing with delight! I agree with pp's, not only do you sound like a lovely mum, you sound like a lovely human being. One day at a time x

Oh and you get to see the love that your chikdren have for each other.
My best bit of this Christmas was seeing each child give very tiny gifts they had gone out to get for each other.

Having siblings has many good points. They fight - they play - they learn from each other - they amuse each other and do this in various ways throughout childhood. Now they are older, I've watched mine take advice/support from each other that they'd never accept from me.

As for my own three siblings - no-one makes me laugh the way they do! We have squabbled through our days together in ways that have kept us all in stories to tell our own children.

I don't wish to go into it here but they have proved to be solid ground to stand on in some times of really terrible trouble. I never had to ask for help.

• They share all responsibility for my aging parents.

Tell your mother to stop moaning and start knitting! No babies are the same and you are already an experienced mother. My second was the most perfect baby possible (except possibly my sixth) especially when compared to our first (who was not without her challenges). Second arrived calmly and settled to feed immediately- then didn't stop very often. In truth, the content of his meals changed over the years but he still eats almost continuously (but is very lean and fit). He was placid and had the ability to 'catch the eyes of people' and charm them into interacting and giving him things. He is charming and charismatic still. I didn't want boys really but he turned my world upside down he was so beautiful. We were regularly stopped in the street or supermarket to be told how adorable and stunning he was with his white blonde hair, piercing and laughing blue eyes and ready smile that lit a room. He rarely cried, slept anywhere, ate anything. How could I not have wanted a boy, my second child?
Yours will feel the same.

I had a tough time with my first, really struggled with the first few months, and then she became a very clingy, anxious toddler, so that was hard work.

I worried how I'd cope with DC2, but it was totally different. He wasn't such a good sleeper as DC1, but I just found the whole thing easier. I was secure, I knew what I was doing this time, so didn't constantly question myself. He isn't anxious or clingy, and I wonder whether its a reflection of how I've parented them both.

Anyway, my real point is to tell you that having two DC is a joy. They adore each other. They look after and entertain each other. I have a 4-year gap which I worried was too big - but not at all. They get on like a house on fire. Sometimes they bicker and drive me mad - but the majority of the time they play together and giggle their heads off!

I'm glad that in the future when I'm old(er) and annoying the hell out of them, that they will have each other to moan to about me! They will share the responsibility that we have to our older parents, and they'll always have someone who will understand exactly what their childhood was like. I cherish all of this with my own DB.

Life's unpredictable, and it can be scary - but you will be fine. Just go with it and enjoy what comes. Stop listening to the negative people around you. This isn't about them. It's you and your little family - you will love it.

P.S. I also work full time and do all the drop offs and pick ups. It all works out.

I have 3 yr old and 3 month old and honestly not been a problem. Yes some days are hard as dealing with lack of sleep plus limited downtown due to 3 yr old is hard but your older one will be in reception so a bit of a breather. Definitely more chilled this time round. Ds1 has been a super star, brings blankets for baby and tv remote for me when pinned under baby :)hope all goes well

Could have written your post, with both second and third child. Trust that you will love this baby every bit as much as your first, and that your son will love having a sibling. You are already almost a third the way through and you will get through this. But do you have some friends IRL who could offer support, if your husband and mother don't seem to have much empathy. Many, many pregnant women- me for sure- felt like you do now, and it all turns out for the best. You'll never regret having this baby once he or she is here

There's no point panicking about what it will be like, you can't know. Try to just take it day by day. It sounds like you have had quite an intense time, your little one is only 3.5 and you have dealt with a difficult baby, pnd, trying for a second baby, coming to terms with not having one....
Could you speak to your midwife or gp about maybe getting some help / support to deal with the anxiety and possible depression? I don't think aborting your baby is a solution, it won't get rid of your anxiety or make your partner any more supportive. As you had already decided that you did want a baby, I would try to be happy about this and accept that you will adjust to having another. Love isn't a finite quantity, you will have plenty when the baby turns into a real person in your arms rather than an abstract fact.

My first was a nightmare non sleeper constant crier. I was depressed and scared but my second was sooo much easier and I never regretted having him. Hang on in there you're not alone in these feelings