Please help! I know IABU :(

[Jellymuffin]

I'm 11 weeks pregnant with DC2, DS1 is 3.5 and is my world. I was very unsure about having another child, I work full time and do all drop offs and pick ups and was worried I wouldn't be able to give DS everything with another one. Went through a horrible period of uncertainty before trying hard to conceive. Nothing happened, I felt sad and eventually decided to stop trying, made plans , came to terms with DS being our only. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant while husband was away with work. Have felt nothing but fear and depression since. I'm not excited at all, feel tired and sick all the time. Husband tried to be supportive and has said we can abort if I'm not happy about being pregnant. I feel all over the place! Please someone help me come to terms with how I'm feeling and what's happening. DS was a horrendous baby, I have constant digs from my mum about how hard I'll find things and how difficult things will be. I'm so so so sad and confused. Please help,

OP congratulations on your pregnancy. Perhaps things are just getting on top of you at the moment. Your hormones will be running riot and if you're a bit of a worrier to start with it might seem like you are in a dark place at the moment. I think 'follows' advice to seek support from your midwife sounds good. I don't have any great words of wisdom but I can tell you often the second is an easier baby. My No1 was a terrible sleeper and a clingy (though adorable) baby. Dc2 easy going, great sleeper and more independent from early on. I am sure you will manage to cope and you will be a great mum to no2 as you have been to no1. Will you be able to take a decent length maternity break? That takes a lot of the pressure off and will give you a chance to establish your routine for 2. My 1st was just starting school when no 2 came along and it was a nice gap and they are great company for each other even with the gap.

You'll be fine... I had a nightmare with ds1, he was really clingy and grumpy and I spent most of my maternity leave utterly miserable and crying along with him. I only felt like me again when I went back to work. I was petrified it would be the same second time round but I can honestly say it was brilliant - you're in a routine already and it's much less of a shock, plus they may be totally different babies. Mine were! I actually find having two easier than one, they entertain each other and have become the best of friends. I'm just about to pop out number three because I've enjoyed it all so much

Hi OP I bet you'll be fine. Sped finitely agree with others it would be a good idea to chat to the midwife or your GP an let them know how you're feeling. I bet there is plenty of support available.

By the way re the condom comment, do you mean your husband took it off without you knowing? Sorry if I didn't understand that correctly.

When I was having my second child, it wasn't planned and the doctor told me I was so sick that it could be a multiple pregnany. I was horrified and dealing with extreme morning sickness for the entire nine months. Luckily it was just one. I thought I wouldn't love the second that much because I had to go back to work etc... The day she was born I stayed awake all night looking at her, because I didn't want to miss one facial expression that she pulled in her sleep. I was totally in love with her. She was the easiest baby I've ever seen. My mother goes to great lengths to tell me how easy I have had it with my second. I am so pleased I had her. I can't imagine life without her! I hope it is the same for you.

I fell pregnant with my second when my first was 18 months. I felt very much like you; was it going to be a massive mistake, what if they hate each other, what if I can't give either of them the time they need. It was the best thing to happen to our family (after having our first obviously). Yes, the kids occasionally fight. But 95% of the time they are kind and loving to each other. My youngest will go to his older brother when he hurts himself or when he's upset. He's the only person he will willingly cuddle without being bribed by chocolate! They're each others favourite person and it is so beautiful to see. Generally the second is easier than the first (not with mine but all of my friends have found their seconds easier) and do as much as you can to get the elder one involved. My eldest would fetch nappies and wipes for me, and would help feed him his bottle when he was really small. I know it seems impossible to love someone else as much as you love your first but I promise you, you will!

My two are each other's best friends. I found adjusting to having one child unbearably hard and consequently geared myself up for a repeat of that with the second (lots of tears and waiting for disaster to hit).

It was actually ok, surprisingly so. I involved the older one loads, referred to the bump as "our baby", had them help choose clothes etc. When the second was about one and a half they started to play together and never looked back. Yes, they fight and bicker but mainly they adore each other, and that's a genuine joy to watch.

Yadnbu

Think about why you decided to try for a second child in the first place. I'm guessing most if not all of those reasons are still true?

Tell your mum to stop being negative, you need support not a bad attitude.

Only you (and DH but sounds like he's leaving it up to you) can decide what to do, but this is a good sounding board where people don't know you, you never have to see or speak to them again, it's easier to admit to things you might not want to tell people in rl

I'm coming from a perspective a few years down the line. My two are teenagers now, they are 2 years 9 months apart in age.

Recently I was in the kitchen with them and they were having a bit of a heart to heart. DS was having girlfriend trouble and DD was giving him some advice; even though she is younger than him she has a wise head on her shoulders and seems quite sorted and to know what she wants. DS is more naive and he appreciated the female point of view.

After their chat they had a little hug. I had a flash moment when I thought that they might just be there for each other long after I'm dead and gone. It was a good feeling.

OP you would be giving your DS a sibling. That's huge and lifelong. I think you want to do it deep in your heart and you should follow your heart.

Ante natal depression is a real thing, go to your GP. x

And I promise you find more time and more love with each baby....

I have four. For us it's endless joy.

dc1 was a horrendous baby.
dc2 was a dream.

ps your husband is an unsupportive arse.

Siblings are lovely! I'm not going to lie, there are times when the second is a baby when it's hard but overall I found baby 1 really hard and baby 2 so much easier!!!

When dc2 is a bit older they will play together, your ds will probably love helping with his baby brother/sister and as you'll be on mat leave you'll be there for dc1 starting school rather than using cm or breakfast and after school club, it'll be great!!

I could have written your post.

I got pregnant with number 2 and cried every day. I used to sit by my sons bed and apologise to him for what was about to happen.
I considered, several times, having a termination and telling people it was a miscarriage.
I hated being pregnant, didn't get excited, wouldn't even talk about it.
I gave birth to number 2 (just after my sons 4th Birthday) and oh my word - it all just disappeared! Everyone told me it would, but I was adamant it was a mistake, I wouldn't love baby, I wouldn't cope etc.
Don't get me wrong, it's hard having 2 at first, but not in a "I can't do this" way. Just that's it's tricky learning how to juggle it all.
I love number 2 so so so much it's ridiculous! And seeing the 2 of them together is just oh so wonderful. Really amazing. Nothing can describe it.
I honestly don't think you will feel the same way when baby arrives, to how you feel now.

I was in exactly your position - difficult first baby, horrible pregnancy, PND etc etc.

We deliberated forever over whether we should have a second. Then, like you, went for it, still unsure, and I got pregnant. I miscarried very early, about four weeks, but pregnancy even at that stage was so unpleasant (was already feeling very nauseous and just awful and that was far earlier than I did with my first). I was very sad about the miscarriage (although I have to admit, a tiny bit relieved).

The experience has made us decide that we're not going to try again - that taste of being pregnant has put me (and to be honest, my husband) off and I'm too scared to go through it again, but I think a part of me will always wish we had.

What I'm trying to say is, it seems awful now and it might be hard for a bit when the new baby comes, but I don't think you'll ever regret it long term. I just wish we had the courage to do the same.

He is supportive, I just don't think he understands anxiety and after all, their life never really changes does it? Out the door at 7 and back at 5.30 to dinner on the table. I really am selling him short. He thinks helping is not putting pressure on either way and he's offering me a way out which he thinks I want. Your words are helping more than you could ever know xxx

My sister is about 4 years younger than me, and I remember being so delighted when she was born. I also really loved having somebody to play with. I can't remember much jealousy although my mother tells me that there was a mixture of pride and jealousy initially with DSis was born! We don't see a lot of each other now we are grown up, but the bond is there. I also really appreciate having somebody to share the challenges of increasingly elderly parents with health problems.

I'm not saying it's right for you, and I share a lot of the same worries and anxieties (I'm 6 weeks pregnant with an unplanned second; my DD is 3.5) but if your circumstances allow then it can be wonderful.

I felt a bit like this with my first pregnancy - we'd been trying for years and I'd just about got my head round the fact that it wasn't going to happen when it did just happen. I should have been really excited but I felt absolutely horrendous, throwing up all the time - it was really hard to feel positive about it with the nausea and exhaustion. I gradually felt better as the pregnancy progressed, especially once the exhaustion passed. Very luckily I haven't felt nearly so bad so far with the second (10 weeks now), only occasional vomiting, but if you are feeling rubbish while dealing with a toddler then no wonder you're struggling.
I think you do need more support from your husband though, especially as it sounds like he made it happen rather without your full knowledge (trying to put a positive slant on it, did he think getting pregnant would make you happy because he knew how much you'd wanted it to happen?)
I think you need to try to find an alternative if you can to working full time plus all drop offs and pick ups - that sounds really exhausting.
Your mum's behaviour sounds really unhelpful.

You will love your second as much as you love your first.

Could you imagine your world without DS1?

I cannot imagine my life without my sister. We spoke on the phone every day and we say 'I love you' every time we talk. Apart from DH she is the closest person on the planet to me. Siblings are a huge blessing.

the fear after struggling is very real!!!!

What can be done to make a difference this time? Could your DH take regular annual leave in the early months perhaps on a Wednesday so you're not on your own 5 days in a row? Could you have paid help?

Do you have any relatives who would be supportive & helpful and come give you company/a break. Your Mum sounds really awful to be having digs, can your DH have a stern word with her that you need support not criticism?

If your true thoughts are "I want this 2nd child but I am terrified of coping for that first year" then voice that to your DH and tell him you need to be allowed to say it, tell your MW & HV. Find your friends.

Be very kind to yourself, you survived your first so you can do it again if that's what you want to do

Definitely talk to your midwife. You won't be the first person to have felt like this and she may be able to help you work your way through your feelings/anxieties.

And don't listen to your DM. Every baby is different. Of course there will be times when things are hard but then that's the case with one. And you will be more experienced this time round so the things that were a huge/scary deal with number one are likely to not phase you at all this time.

DD is an only 'child' (she's married with her own baby now) and it took till my DM died and then I went through a divorce to realise how much comfort my own DBs were in adulthood. And I feel sad that DD doesn't have any siblings to share the good and the bad times with. My nephews are so close as adults and are like good friends and they both have their own wives and DC and they all get on really well. I know you get no guarantee that you will be close to your siblings in adulthood but in my family it certainly worked out that way and I do feel sad that DD has and won't have that relationship.

I agree with looking again at the reasons you wanted a second DC before you were TTC and see if those are still the same. And definitely talk through how you feel with your midwife/GP (as MrsXX says, antenatal depression is a real thing as is antenatal anxiety.)

I think most mothers even if they wont admit it have the OMG what have I done moment when they know they are pregnant be it with their first second third or beyond I know I did with both of mine I think its perfectly normal I was actively trying both times :)

I haven't read the whole thread, apologies but wanted to tell you my experience of life with two dc. There is 2y7m between them and yes at the beginning, it was hard work and tiring but now it is a lot easier...they bicker and whinge at each other but can play lovely together. Older dc helps me out when her brother is being a pita too! If your older one goes to nursery...and starts school in September, this will give you chance to rest up during your pregnancy and time with the lo when they're born. Good luck whatever you decide

OP never underestimate the pregnancy and its hormones contributing massively right now to how you're feeling. Your emotions are running everywhere and literally springing out at you from nowhere and pretty uncontrollable. Add to those looking after a toddler and dealing with the pregnancy generally! I have a 3 year old son and 9 month old girl. 2nd time is so much easier, far less of the panics about everything from sleeping to eating to what colour poos...you've been there, done that, and know each stage does end eventually and move onto the next. Today my DS decided to entertain his screaming sister by swirling her around the room on her highchair, while dumping every imaginable object/toy on her lap to cheer her up. She lights up when he's around and he tells her he loves her and pats her head. Yes some days are mental, but it was with just him too, its totally worthwhile, promise! x

Sorry you are feeling down OP - hormones won't be helping (and a visit to the Dr would be a good idea) but congratulations too!

Yes you can manage two. (Just think of the many disorganised fools who do so already... It certainly isn't impossible.) You can manage three - or four or five...

Don't listen to doom and gloom.

Do you remember all those horror stories about labour when you were expecting your first? (People have to do this when you are at your most vulnerable It seems to be a sort of sport!)
Be prepared:
Now they will be saying 'just wait till you have two' (eyes roll - horror stories at the ready)
Soon there will be the 'just wait for the terrible twos/starting school/teenage years...'
Actually, it may be a great secret that I am giving away, but having children is wonderful.

It has its moments - and downs like the one you are in just now- but it is the experience of a lifetime.

Don't miss a minute.
(+Don't forget to store up horror stories for passing on to mothers of the future)