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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not the cooking that's hard...but the thinking about it?

20 replies

Eatingcheeseontoast · 30/01/2017 14:19

DH not working at moment so was rather hoping that I could hand over cooking to him.

So...he's not a bad cook but he doesn't think ahead about how to use leftovers, or what we might need to buy to have in over the week, or to get stuff out of the freezer in the morning.

So it's me saying - shall we have salmon - I'll get it out of the freezer.

I'd quite like to just not think about any of that at all after being the one doing it all (and working full time) for the last ten years.

As I say, he's a good cook, but there's more to it than that...

OP posts:

Astoria7974 · 30/01/2017 14:22

If you want an easier life then leave him to it. A lot of women complain about their partners not doing housework but then don't give them the opportunity to manage their work, or nag until they don't want to do anything. Or feel they can't.

If he doesn't defrost the meat/fish in time then ask him what he's planning to make instead, then pour yourself a glass of wine and leave the room :D

minipie · 30/01/2017 14:26

YANBU to think that, but I do think if you stop doing the thinking, he will eventually start doing it.

So stop getting the salmon out of the freezer. Yes you might have pasta a lot for a while but after a few weeks hopefully he'll think I'm sick of pasta I'll get some salmon out. And then after another week he might actually remember to do it

Original poster

Eatingcheeseontoast · 30/01/2017 14:44

Hmmm...I'm just waiting for the phone call at 4 ish to ask what I fancy for tea or more likely that I'll get home at 7 to the smell of fish and chips from the freezer.

It'll be food and I won't have cooked it!

OP posts:

downwardfacingdog · 30/01/2017 14:47

Yanbu, so leave him to it or ask him to add a couple of things you fanct to the meal plan once a week.

BrieAndChilli · 30/01/2017 14:48

I agree with you. I don't mind actually cooking but it's he shopping and meal planning etc that just seems endless and time consuming. Doesn't help that if I aske everyonewhat they fancy this week to I can make a list I just get don't mind (DH) or junk food like pizza or hot dogs (kids)

Trills · 30/01/2017 14:49

Thinking about it is hard.

And like many hard things, it takes practise to get right.

If he rings and asks what you fancy, tell him "surprise me".

He can practise thinking as well as doing.

welshweasel · 30/01/2017 14:51

We sit down as a family on a Sunday and meal plan the week. Everyone has to choose a couple of meals and check the cupboards/freezer to see what ingredients we need to buy. Then the list goes on the wall so whoever is cooking can see what we are having. Sometimes we might forget to take stuff out of the freezer but fish and meat defrost easily in the microwave!

usernumbernonsense · 30/01/2017 14:58

I am a single mum of 4 and I bloody hate thinking about sodding meals! I do the same as a previous poster - on a sunday we all sit down and each choose some meals. These meals get written on the fridge. Whoever gets up first gets the meat out of the freezer, the tins out of the cupboard etc so it is all out on the work surface. Whoever gets home first starts the meal off (that is between me, dd 11 and d17) obviously the younger 2 (6 and 3) can't do it so their job is to set the table.
I have 3 sons and refuse to let them grow up not having to think about things like meals etc so I think I am occasionally tough on them

CrohnicallyPregnant · 30/01/2017 15:42

Yes! The 'thinking about it' part drives me up the wall. Not just with cooking but with most household jobs. like the laundry- it's not always as easy as bung a load in then hang it up when you have limited drying space over winter. I find myself planning which loads to put on and when, to make sure that my swimming costume is available on the right day, we don't end up with a backlog of bedding and no clean spares, and DH and I both have clean clothes for work.

With the cooking, DH will happily cook whatever, but it's me thinking about which days we will be late home so need a quick meal, use of leftovers, what can be made ahead of time (see my previous thread about DH not starting to cook a chilli until after he did his half hour toilet visit, rather than making it then leaving to simmer while he sat on the bog)

And now I just remembered I was supposed to slow cook some meat for tonight...

Original poster

Eatingcheeseontoast · 30/01/2017 17:04

Yep, just had the phone call. Suggested he get sausages out of freezer for sausage pasta.

He's picking me up later to go to an exercise class before we go home for dinner - I'd have defrosted and cooked the sausages - indeed probably the whole meal if I was at home so we could just warm it up when we got in.

Didn't think of that till I'd put phone down and he won't have thought of it.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 30/01/2017 17:12

Any chance you might try some if the suggestions in here ? The ' surprise me' suggestion is very good if you really want him to pick up the slack. You need to leave some slack.

Original poster

Eatingcheeseontoast · 30/01/2017 17:14

Yep, fully intend to, but he caught me on the hop while I was at work. All starts from tomorrow!

OP posts:

kissmethere · 30/01/2017 18:01

It's a problem sometimes in our house actually so I've already started with backing off on the meal planning. Usually when I'm working at The weekends. I usually make sure, yes I as DH works full time, all the essential things are in but with regards to dinner I'd like him to take over. Many times though DH has left us with grumbling stomachs as he takes fucking ages to cook. Or leaves it too late to grab anything that's needed for the meal. He's not used to it but I can't predict sometimes what time I'll be home.
I've been at work and had the call "what was I planning for dinner?" I was expecting you to deal with it actually .
Sorry but I feel your frustration.

BrieAndChilli · 30/01/2017 20:23

My DH is a nightmare when he offers to cook. He can cook fine but start to think about cooking at the time people actually want to eat so by the time he fannys about setting up his music and putting things into bowls and asking me where things are and the food is actually on the table everyone is screaming in hunger!!

Original poster

Eatingcheeseontoast · 30/01/2017 20:41

By the time got home I was v unreasonable with hunger so was plonked in front of tv like a 4 year old while he cooked up a storm. Forgiven.

But ....

OP posts:

ThornyBird · 30/01/2017 20:50

Oh the decision making over what to feed 4 dc who don't like the same things drives me batty! I have completely lost any joy in cooking...

But - due to a huge change in circumstances, dh has been the parent at home 2 evenings a week and I handed over completely. Said it was his choice what to cook as I wouldn't be there. It worked!

So my advice is sit down and talk when you're not hungry . Explain that if he is cooking then he is also responsible for meal planning and shopping. Point out that you (presumably) have done this for a long time without involving him and now it's his turn. Job done. Just remember not to complain when he makes beouf bourgingnon something you don't like.

MiladyThesaurus · 30/01/2017 20:53

Yes. Absolutely.

My DH just cannot comprehend how much work and thought goes into being responsible for ensuring we are all fed. Thinking about what to eat, shopping for it all, making sure that we eat it in the right order so nothing goes off, making sure that it fulfils his irritating fussiness, actually cooking it...

He thinks wiping down the worktops (really bloody badly so I have to do it again because I'd like them to be clean) is somehow comparable. DS1 clears the table and fills/empties the dishwasher so he has nothing much to do.

Original poster

Eatingcheeseontoast · 30/01/2017 21:07

I don't fall into the 'wife work' trap with anything else. Pretty even partnership all round.

Itsnot just saying your turn is it though, it's sharing the whole sorting feeding out. I did briefly find myself taking on responsibility got feeding DHs three kids when they came round once a week for tea (that was official night they were around a lot more). And he'd always be late home from work and in a rush ...so I would plan and cook.

Then I thought bugger it he's a grown man with a calendar, credit card, watch and knowledge of shops, he can do it.

So I'm not completely without backbone and he got that those nights were his nights to cook and shop for and was magically able to leave work on time...

OP posts:

hennybeans · 31/01/2017 09:37

Yanbu at all, but I think it takes years of being responsible for cooking dinner to really understand how to be efficient:
-thinking ahead when you do the shop once a week what meals you want to cook
-checking the night before if you need to defrost anything or pick up a missing ingredient for the meal
-considering what leftovers you might have and what might be going off soon
-using your time wisely- so whilst I cook dinner, I also unload dishwasher, feed dog, listen to DC read, wipe surfaces, put a load of laundry on, read MN.
I never just stand there and stir a pot. No doubt most people who cook everyday are like this, but it doesn't happen overnight.

justilou · 31/01/2017 11:57

YES! Totally over the whole domestic thought process. And when the kids think that dinner is a democratic process?!?! Forgedaboudit! Totally sick of making those decisions!

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