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Original poster

Sex, relationship, baby and a wedding. HELP

85 replies

Mummyalready1 · 29/01/2017 22:31

Needing some advice.
Sorry it's a long one- please read!!

We are a youngish couple with a 1 year old and engaged to be married next year.
However the past 3-6 months i haven't felt 100% like I want this wedding.
Our relationship isn't as fun and loving as it ever was. We both work too so always tired and busy which doesn't help, but our sex life is awful and I dread what it would be like when we are married! 
He recently spoke to me about his low sex drive and doesn't know what to do or how to change it but the subject is so touchy I don't know what's best to do. It makes me feel so low then too because there doesn't feel like there's any love or emotion there at all!!
Mid wedding planning and I just can't help but think I'm doing the wrong thing but my heart is there??

Please help!!

OP posts:
Araminta99 · 30/01/2017 04:38

I think having a child can affect men more than most people think, maybe he sees you as a maternal figure now and finds it hard to view you in the way he did before children? I'd go ahead with the marriage if I were you as your child needs the stability of a family. Relationships go through different phases and the young baby phase isn't a great time for sex for most people. Give it some time.

Rixera · 30/01/2017 07:49

Tbh even with the date nights our sex life is not great, mainly because I fall asleep as soon as I get anywhere close to bed... But the small child tiredness phase doesn't last forever.
But definitely tell him the rules are no phones, the point is to appreciate one another. If he can't respect you enough to lose fb for an evening, it's counselling time for sure.

MumBod · 30/01/2017 07:53

@user1485

Get off MN, mum. You're embarrassing me.

OP - if your heart isn't in it, please don't marry him. The sex thing won't improve, trust me on that.

TheNaze73 · 30/01/2017 07:59

There's no harm in trying counselling, if you think what you have is worth saving

EveOnline2016 · 30/01/2017 08:01

Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly.

Have you set a date yet.

Wallywobbles · 30/01/2017 08:07

For ducks sake don't marry anyone if you have doubts. Marrying for your kid or future kids is total madness. I married my first husband despite him being an abusive arsehole (who raped me) because I was pregnant with his child. I felt I had no choice and I got to regret it forever. Do NOT do it.

Catsize · 30/01/2017 08:12

One thought - was the birth of your child particularly traumatic? Has it changed how he sees you?
User is right it an extent - where there is a child involved, there is an additional obligation to try to make things work. But the bringing his phone out on a date night? Shock Shock
You have additional stresses that not many soon-to-be-weds have. I would not have wanted to plan a wedding in the early months of my children's lives.

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 30/01/2017 08:27

Please OP don't marry this man until you are 100% sure that it is right for you.
I was in your exact situation. We talked pre marriage about his low sex drive, lack of affection - it hadn't always been like that. I was offered lots of reasons why and because I loved him, and still do, went ahead with the wedding.
I have had 25 years of a sexless, and at times emotionless marriage. He has stepped up to the mark to provide our three children. I honestly feel that he wanted companionship and fatherhood without all the messy feelings bit of marriage. We have had counselling, sex therapy, chemical intervention, but if your partner doesnt 'work' in that way none of this will make any difference.
Please don't do this to yourself or him. I don't know where user has been for the last 50 years but can only suggest she goes back there. What you owe your child is for you to be happy and fulfilled, for them to see what a truly loving relationship looks like.

confusedat23 · 30/01/2017 08:28

Mummy from your previous responses it sounds like you have already made a decision!

I think maybe some time apart might be nice. I have some friends and their 3rd baby broke them... their marriage (of over 10 years) was in tatters and they could not be in the same room anymore. They spent 6 months a part co-parenting and they actually ended up finding the spark back in their relationship.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you will never have an identical relationship after a child or marriage as it was before. But when these big things happen you learn to love each other in very different ways than before. If you can't look at your DP and find things that you love about him then maybe marriage isn't for you. But I like other PP's think sometimes you need to look at things a bit harder and put a bit of work in.

Blackbird82 · 30/01/2017 08:49

Definitely try therapy first, don't just bin him. You said you love him, that when he shows affection it makes you so happy so I think there is definitely potential for your relationship to work.

However, he must be fully committed too. I would sit him down and have a very honest discussion, if he agrees to therapy then great, if he dismisses it then I would be very wary of marrying him. It will likely be a one way ticket to misery the way things stand at the moment.

splendide · 30/01/2017 09:04

I think you need to decide if it's worth fighting for or not.

I was going to say that I didn't think lack of sex would be a reason for me to split with DH, especially in the first year after a baby. In fact I was feeling pretty touchy as I had no sex drive for about a year after having DS and thank god DH didn't fuck off.

But then I thought but I wouldn't even be considering it because everything else is great and we are affectionate in other ways (just snuggly on the sofa etc) and felt we were really in it for the long haul.

This is absolutely not a dig, I think I'm saying you may need to trust your instincts. Personally I would rather never have sex again than split with DH and has DS live in two homes but that's not the same as saying I could live with someone who didn't seem to care about me. I really couldn't.

user1485703469 · 30/01/2017 10:08

Lots of abusive comments towards traditional family values... 1950s? Not at all, these values will always be relevant at all times across the world. Foul and abusive remarks will not make them any less so.

carefreeeee · 30/01/2017 10:50

I kind of agree with user that you should try and stay with the father of your child if you can. (as there is no suggestion of abuse or even dislike in the OP)

Children are definitely better off if their parents stay together in a loving relationship than if they are in loving relationships with new partners. So if it's possible then you should put all your effort into trying to salvage things with the current partner. Especially as you have already been together 5 years happily - there must be a reasonable relationship there. Your problems might be down to the stresses of having a young child.

The actual marriage bit is less important and maybe you should put that off for now as it's a load of unnecessary stress to add to your already busy lives.

annlee3817 · 30/01/2017 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/01/2017 11:05

Children are definitely better off if their parents stay together in a loving relationship

But this is not a loving relationship. OP is best off out of it. Don't even think of getting married unless you can turn things around.

Maybe counselling, or spending a bit of time apart, do the dating thing? Look forward to seeing each other again.

Don't ever get married for the sake of children. My DM's life was wasted being married 'for the sake of the kids'. Worst reason in the world to get married. Our childhood was the pits watching them argue non stop and see how unhappy they were.

By all means give your relationship a try, without the marriage pressure. But if it doesn't work then 2 separate happy parents are way better than 2 bitter and desperately unhappy parents.

carefreeeee · 30/01/2017 11:44

But this is not a loving relationship. OP is best off out of it.

She does say she loves him... that's why I think she should at least try to make it work. Also it's not primarily about the OP. There is a young child in the mix who should come first. The first priority should be to make things work with the father of the child. Of course if it's not possible after a serious effort or he won't co-operate, then that's a different matter.

The OP was about whether to cancel the wedding, I don't think the advice to ditch the father of your child and go it alone just because of a few issues during the (notoriously difficult) first year after a new baby is in the best interests of anyone.

everycloudandallthatjazz · 30/01/2017 11:46

The Daily Mail has latched onto this today. Sorry OP Flowers

http://dailym.ai/2kFejcS

CockacidalManiac · 30/01/2017 11:50

One would almost think that User is a DM plant, as this thread would not be deemed newsworthy without his/her input....

CockacidalManiac · 30/01/2017 11:54

And I've reported too; isn't it a bit of a coincidence that a new poster like User makes a thread 'controversial' enough that it can suddenly appear in the DM?

Original poster
Mummyalready1 · 30/01/2017 11:56

Wow.
I put the post on for some advice off other parents etc and it gets to the paper.
I feel so annoyed that I even bothered now 😡😡😡😡

OP posts:
TiredAndRavenous · 30/01/2017 12:04

Sorry ur thread got daily mailed, these writers are obviously scraping by & will prob loose their jobs soon as no one reads papers anymore, we are to busy on here 😅

I feel like I could have wrote this myself. Me and my partner drifted apart when we had our baby, you both get different prioritys (like sleep) and things don't feel the same.

My sons now nearly 2, and we have only just recently got back to how we was. Although it wasn't easy

Just go with your gut, I knew deep down that it would be ok.

Hope you find a situation that works for you x

Original poster
Mummyalready1 · 30/01/2017 12:07

How did you get it back to normal?
Our DD is 18 months and sleeps great so the evenings are ours really.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/01/2017 12:09

That's the DM for you. They're always poucing on Mumsnet for stories. You'd be forgiven for thinking nothing else was going on in the world.

Mistletoetastic · 30/01/2017 12:10

If I were you I would report my thread and get it removed. I hate the Daily Mail.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/01/2017 12:10

Ah fame at last quoted in DM on line.

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