Sex, relationship, baby and a wedding. HELP

[Mummyalready1]

Needing some advice.
Sorry it's a long one- please read!!

We are a youngish couple with a 1 year old and engaged to be married next year.
However the past 3-6 months i haven't felt 100% like I want this wedding.
Our relationship isn't as fun and loving as it ever was. We both work too so always tired and busy which doesn't help, but our sex life is awful and I dread what it would be like when we are married! 
He recently spoke to me about his low sex drive and doesn't know what to do or how to change it but the subject is so touchy I don't know what's best to do. It makes me feel so low then too because there doesn't feel like there's any love or emotion there at all!!
Mid wedding planning and I just can't help but think I'm doing the wrong thing but my heart is there??

Please help!!

I've tried talking just generally about our relationship (we sit on different sides of living room), head always in phone or laptop, never really says a lot, rarely hugs/kisses me. I've brought it up and he thinks I'm just having a usual moan. Doesn't take it seriously.
But next minute he's wedding planning and talking about moving house!! It's like he doesn't see any problems whereas for me I feel like there is no relationship and everything is shit. But then on the odd occasion he is affectionate I think I'm being stupid and I love the bones of him.

It doesn't matter whether it's popular to say it or not but marrying the father of your child and working on that marriage is a very good thing to do if you can manage it.

It doesn't matter whether it's popular to say it or not but marrying the father of your child and working on that marriage is a very good thing to do if you can manage it.

Bollocks.

Marrying someone that you're not sure that you want to marry is generally the worse thing to do. Never heard of 'marry in haste, repent at leisure*
User?
At least have some time out here to think things through.

He's already not listening to you.

There's little to no affection

There's little to no sex.

Put the wedding on hold. You need to feel happy, excited & like you can't live without him. You might feel like that in time or you might feel like you know this isn't going to work.

Don't try talking to him (as he's just ignoring you, putting you down), don't pussy foot around. Just put the wedding on hold & tell him that is that. The wedding is on hold until you decide what you want to do.

Agree to either tell friends & family the truth or a plausible reason (saving to buy a house, too stressful planning the wedding, whatever)

Some people might suggest you get married, or don't get married, depending on how it will affect any property/money etc that you have. It's cold, but there you go.

Some balance is necessary here I think. While I dont agree with user I kind of get what they are saying- marriage and indeed a relationship takes compromise and give and take.

Op, do you actually love him? Because if you don't then deep down he will never be enough for you and your marriage will suffer.
If you do love him then why want tell him what you want specifically? Turn off the tv/phones/tablets and talk so he will listen- you want some basic affection, you don't want to sit at opposite ends of the room anymore.

Can anyone look after baby for a night a week so you can have a proper date night?

I read that you said your DP felt he had a low sex drive and was tired all the time. Has he had his testosterone levels checked? These are two symptoms of this and may be worthwhile getting his hormone levels checked before doing anything else. The only reason I know this is because my DH has exactly the same problems and this was discovered completely by accident. If he'll wear this then I'd try to persuade him if you can if for no other reason than to rule it out.

Yes I do love him.

its just not how I want our relationship to be- I want more from it like I think all relationships should have. Happiness, affection, love and sex.

How would we go about having testosterone levels checked?
Worth a go I guess.

It is a difficult place to come and get advice when the regular posters are so hostile and set in their ways, not able to understand other points of view. OP is better off talking to her husband to be and not to Mumsnet.

Congratulations on your first day on MN user

Thanks for your comments User.
I have taken your opinions into mind also.
I have tried talking to my partner and haven't got much from it. Hence why I'm asking Mumsnet.
Thanks though.

Thank you, it's been wonderful

OP a new baby puts a lot of pressure on a relationship. Lots of couples have problems shortly after having children. I don't mean that you should just suck it up and marry him because it will all turn out alright, because that simply isn't true. But I am saying the lack of affection and low sex drive is something that happens to lots of people as a perfectly common, if dysfunctional, response to the stresses of a new baby.

So counselling is an excellent idea. There is hope that together you can turn things around and make it a marriage that enriches your lives, not one that feels like a rut you're stuck in. Counselling can help you work out if that's the case; if so, how to change; and if not, how to break up in the most positive way possible. Put the wedding on hold until you are sure it is something that will enrich all your lives.

OP marriage will not make anything better at all, if anyrhing your DP is more likely to make a less of an effort.
Put the wedding on hold for the time being -- you have enough to cope with at the moment, anyway.
Get your DP to the GP. For a testosterone check. Libido varies but a very low one is not usual in a young man.
If his levels are normal you need relationship counselling -- lack of sex drive should not mean lack of affectionate behaviour etc. He needs to make an effort even when he doesn't intend for it to lead to sex.
You need counselling anyway -- safe space to say what you both need and that includes listening respectfully, spending time together, not just being in the same room engaged in solitary pastimes.
This is the time to fix things -- not a year after the wedding.
Good luck

Thanks both. Really going to look into counselling

user148... we heard you the first time.

Op you really have to put your foot down and be very clear and precise this wedding will not be happening until you will listen to what I have to say.
Tell him exactly what you feel your unhappiness. I know you have said you have spoke to him but he is not listening there will have to be actions.

You can not marry a man who is not showing you any emotions it will kill any love you have for him in the end. Good luck it's a horrible situation I truly feel for you.x

Ask him on a date.

If you can't get a babysitter (we can't due to circumstances), prep a fancy meal beforehand, you can get restaurant standard food that's easy to put together. Put the baby to bed, and get dressed up for one another. Dress the dining room too, candles won't hurt when you're aiming for romance. Wine and dine one another the way you would if you weren't just living together with a baby.

Talk about the things that interest you, things that excite you. Excitement is infectious. I know it makes my partner smile to see me light up with enthusiasm about a book I've been reading. I like to see him smile like that, it makes me feel loved like nothing else.

Make the whole evening about celebrating and appreciating another. If it leads to the bedroom after dinner and coffee so much the better but if not you've still enjoyed your date (I hope.)
So schedule another.

Make time to enjoy one another's company beyond bills, dishes and nappies.

My OH and I have date nights every Friday, be it dressed up with gourmet food a la rix, or a lazy Netflix n' chill.

We go for date nights now and then and talk for a bit then the phone comes out as he's bored. Ive even done nights away and no different really.
We are going out with friends Saturday and that's something we never do- he isn't a big socialiser nor drinker but he thought it was a good idea to go. hopefully we will have a good night and enjoy each other.

Benidike gave really good advice. You know deep down your relationship needs help. Its really lovely having date nights to reconnect but he isn't.
To make your relationship work your partner needs to know you mean business not for him burying his head in the sand.

I get what user is saying. Relationships need to be worked on. Not binned at the first hurdle. Especially where children are involved. However, guilting op isn't the way either. It's about compassion for yourself and others. Most couples who've been together a long time could have decided to separate/divorce, instead they've decided to stay together. But that shouldn't be at any cost either.

I think 6-12 months after having a baby is probably the worst time to decide about marriage or the long-term nature of your relationship. This is not a romantic peak time, in fact the first year after birth is the time couples are most likely to break up, as having a baby puts a huge strain on the relationship and also magnifies any existing cracks.

I wouldn't write your relationship off at this point, you are tired out and it's hard to see the fun in life at this point, but it may or may not come back. I didn't even like my husband 6 months after the birth, too much competitive tiredness and generally life was hard, it isn't like that many years down the line.

Obviously if you then find you can't recapture or remake your relationship, that's different, but if you both love each other and see a future together, but don't like the now, then that may be changeable with lots of talking, perhaps counselling.