That cutting benefits to widow/ers with young children by over twenty thousand pounds is heartless and cruel?

[Somerville]

My DH was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2013 and died in 2014. During both the period he was ill, and immediately afterwards, it was extremely difficult for me to continue working. A well as caring for him and then dealing with the huge administrative burden, I have children for whom continuing to attend school every day and 'cope' with normal life was impossible. Alongside all that I had to somehow try to find a way to live with my own grief. And then get out and learn a living - as a freelancer I'd have had no income at all unless I continued to work.

The bereavement benefits I received helped me immeasurably.

• I got a bereavement payment of £2000 which helped cover the immediate few months after his death when I could barely get dressed - let alone work.

• I also got a monthly amount of widowed parents allowance - about £450. (Non means tested but taxable, meaning that as my earnings increased I returned some of this to the government through my tax bill. However, I knew the safety net was there when my earnings dropped again - as indeed they did at one point when one of my children could only manage half days at school.)

I've remarried so no longer qualify - fair enough - but if hadn't I'd have received this until my youngest child left school.

However, the support available for parents who are experience the devastation of becoming widowed after April 1st this year is changing.

• £3,500 immediately.
• £100 per month for the next 18 months.

That's it.

Research by the Childhood Bereavement Network (CBN) suggests 91% of widowed parents will be supported for a shorter period of time than they would under the current system, which can pay out until the youngest child leaves school. It says the typical working family will lose out on more than £12,000, and expects a working parent with young children to lose even more – £23,500 on average. link here

Widowed parents are lone parents without any shared care with an ex partner. Without any maintenance payments from a former partner. And with bereaved, confused and devastated children.

How about it MN? Am I unreasonable to think this change is cruel? And if not, what can I do about it?

There are some amazingly insensitive and callous attitudes being displayed on this thread, fucking hell.

Begrudging widowed parents and bereaved children this money and comparing their situations to relationship breakdowns, is pretty low and unkind anyway, but to actually make these comments to someone bereaved, is insensitive and displays a shocking lack of empathy and kindness.

Quite a few lone parents can't pursue their exs through the courts either, but the point is that it is an apples and oranges situation - one that really shouldn't be compared.

The loss of a parent is devastating. The loss of a spouse is as well. That doesn't mean there shouldn't be a conversation about £450 a month for almost two decades in some cases following this.

Sorry can you clarify if the widowed parent is entitled to claim all other benefits that a single parent would be?
And then gets this 5k on too?

its nothing to do with compassion. Any child losing a parent to death, abandonment or prison needs compassion,

But the query was about does the surviving parent need massive handouts after a death. Well, a boost in the initial few days would help. There are expenses. But beyond that, they are no different to a parent suddenly single for another reason.

Do children need masses of time of school. No, not normally. We've had school trips where a child has flown home for the funeral of a parent then flown back the same evening to continue with the trip. It depends on the child.

Of course some children (and adults) suffer depression and mental health problems after a bereavement, but equally many do without a bereavement.

It does make me laugh when people get all shocked and horrified by other ( frequently more experienced) posters being pragmatic.

Some people just like being shocked and horrified.

Str4ngedaysindeed I was in a very similar situation, except it was my mother who died. There wasn't any such thing as a widowers pension, so my father received absolutely nil £ support. He had to return straight to work and my siblings and I had to go live with relatives. Dad worked to pay the relatives to look after us. Us children effectively 'lost' both parents.

I wouldn't wish that on any family, and the subsequent cost to me in terms of mental health has been enormous, which has cost 'the system' £.

OP, I sympathise. It sounds heartless and increases the burden and worry on the surviving parent. But I do think that a non means tested £450 per month for up to 18 years is unsustainable in these economic times.

I'm glad your are happy OP. And I'm sorry your life has been scarred by such tragedy. But I'm afraid I do think this new system sounds reasonable.

And some people just like being cunts.

My DH died very suddenly of a heart attack, no warning at all. It was a real comfort and a safety net when I was at my most vulnerable. dH was self employed so I immediately lost 50% of the household income overnight.

I received the benefit immediately and the people who handled my case were absolutely amazing. So compassionate. One lady in the benefits office got tearful when I described my situation, which set me off!

It is a very sad fact of the current economy Somerville, I don't have an answer but I agree with your post based on my personal experience.

Gazelda that tallies with all the stats I have read.

Typically, a bereaved father will not have his children continue living with him twelve months after the bereavement.

Excellent points, lalalyra. Yes, I have widowed friends who 'voluntarily' left their jobs.
One after his DS attempted suicide to 'be with his mum'.

Somerville, I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand your position and the crippling nature of grief. This budget cut stands beside so many equally cruel and heartless ones. Why people are simply accepting these instead of asking deeper questions about citizenship (in the broad sense of the word, meaning the social contract), the end of the post-war consensus and the rise of neoliberalism is totally beyond me.

I can't believe people are comparing being a lone parent because them or their partner left etc with being widowed . Some people on here are so heartless.

The idea that we can't afford it is also just factually wrong. The tories have just reduced corporation tax from the already low 20% to 17%. That means as a country we are now losing billions of pounds in tax revenue from the wealthiest corporations. If we can afford to lose those billions of pounds of money then we can afford to pay a couple of million out to widowed families in their horrendous time of need...it's just basic numbers that we can afford it. I feel so sorry for all the people who genuinely believe that we 'cant afford' things. Cutting benefits and underfunding the NHS are political decisions, not economic necessities. Other countries in Europe have comparable sized GDPs and far more generous benefit systems etc with higher taxes to fund the public services. There are alternatives, but there is no will from a conservative government to choose those alternatives, and as a result the most vulnerable in society suffer - the poor, the widowed, those in precarious employment, the disabled etc.

I am also really saddened by the "us and them" mentality on this thread. I.e. "it was hard for me so it should be hard for you too, that benefit is too generous". We should be uniting and realising who our common enemy is - tax dodgers, wealth hoarders, etc. Not each other who are all struggling to get by on the meagre crumbs they give us to live on.

Somerville I am so sorry for your loss and happy to hear you are happily remarried and have managed to get through such a difficult time. The mere thought of losing my DH (we don't have children yet) makes me feel horrendous anxiety, I cannot imagine how I would cope with such an event. I support your endeavour to raise this issue. Perhaps you could start a petition on the gov. website or contact local media about it, or write to your MP? However unfortunately given the awfully cold responses on here I'm not sure that it would attract sufficient public support to make a real stir, which I find incredibly upsetting and I can only imagine how that makes you feel as someone who has lived through such trauma.

I had no idea this existed. I assumed most people when they have children take out insurance for this? Unless you have pre-existing health probs, then I guess it gets harder, but other than that, I would assume it's the sensible thing to do. Ours is about £30 a month & covers all the mortgage being paid off and also a lump sum which would enable the remaining parent to not have to work for at least 5 years or so. It's a bit macabre to think about these things but the worst can happen, as this post shows.
Sorry for your loss op.

Actually, from the point of view of the child, losing a parent because they can't be arsed to see you can be just as horrendous as losing one through death.

Also the 5k is a bit of a red herring. Anyone whose husband or wife dies under the state pension age gets a lump sum. I'm not sure what the amount for those with no children is changing too - I believe it's currently £2k and going up.

So it's not like lone parents are given an extra 5k above everyone else.

Financially a widow/er isn't in a worse position than a someones who's partner goes to jail, or who walks out and refuses to pay maintenance, etc.
The partner can be chased for maintenance payments. Even a parent in jail, once released. Whereas my husband can't pay maintenance because he's dead.
And fuck off with comparing him to a deadbeat parent in jail.

Its a sad event, obviously but not one that children typically lose a lot of school over, so rarely impacts on the remaining spouses ability to work.
Bollocks. Children who lose a parent are well known to go on, on average, to miss a lot of school and be less able to concentrate when they are there. Their exam results and future job prospects suffer as a result.
They also suffer from a disproportionately larger amount, than average, of physical and mental illnesses as a result of grief and stress.

Maybe if the UK hadn't spent tens of millions bombing Syria and over twenty billion fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan there would be a bit more in the pot for it's vulnerable citizens. That widow's benefit seems paltry, tbh. In Ireland a widow/er receives a minimum of €188 a week plus another €30 for each child under 18 or under 22 if in full time education. This continues for life unless the widow remarries. It is even given to ex-spouses of the deceased. And that's the bare minimum, there are numerous other benefits the widow and orphans may qualify for but it's certainly enough to live quite comfortably on if there is no mortgage to be paid.

Expatinscotland, yes someone made the comparison because the op has twice said she does not have athe ex partner to share the childcare or get maintenance off as reason why she should get it. My ex was abusive so i dont have the person to share care with anymore than she does and hes currently refusing to pay and threatening suicide if i do a cms claim, if he goes through with that i would not be entitled to this even though i would be in the same position as op - without a second parent for my dc.

The reason for the payments is because a widowed parent needs to adjust to the new circumstances ie one wage instead of 2 and paying for the funeral and counselling and other stuff. But having payments for the life of dc becuse as The op states she does not have a second parent to share caring and financial burden with is bs because you can end up with that situation even if they are alive or die later than the split.

Thank you for the advice Lokisglowstick i will have a look at the website

Sorry can you clarify if the widowed parent is entitled to claim all other benefits that a single parent would be?

They are on paper entitled to get other benefits like any other parent.
However the particular situation of a bereavement of a spouse means they often fall through the cracks of the criteria.
For example, they are often forced to leave their job 'voluntarily' (e.g. because they they were working nights). And although grief has a real and profound affect on physical and mental health, it is not a disability and therefore doesn't immediately entitle one to claim disability benefits as some people on this thread maintain.

The immediate payment enhancement will only really set that part of the mind of those with worries over funeral costs at ease. £100 per month is otherwise paltry really. Not everyone has a work related pension or death in service benefit. If I died my husband would be better off financially than I would if he met his demise. We both work. We have life insurance, in addition to that for our mortgage, but I can't get critical illness cover without too many exclusions!

My mother was widowed young, though my siblings and I had left school by then. She was sleepwalking through the early days and my sibs and I paid all the bills knowing we would sort it all in due course making sure she wasn't left vulnerable (disabled and medically retired). Knowing she had £2k benefit was a relief to her when we were writing cheques and she felt bad about it. The mortgage was paid (apartment) and there was no other life insurance. Had we been younger she would have needed longer term help.
Perhaps fairer to tier down payment per month as kids leave school or means test a restriction to those on 45% tax.
I agree however that the tax breaks are in the wrong places and the wasted money in GB is beyond stupidity. Our government has an agenda to privatise health, etc. Another wealth creating industry for the super rich.
I'm just glad my sibs and I were able to make a few financial choices and help my mum. I made mortgage payments for them a few years earlier when dad was first unwell, otherwise they would have increasing debt with no prospect of paying it off. PS none of us are superrich in my family!

And from April 1st this year. This just seems so wrong.

And fuck off with comparing him to a deadbeat parent in jail.

To be fair, no one at all has comparing your late husband to a deadbeat parent in jail; they were comparing the financial situations of a widow and someone whose partner is in jail.

To actually answer your question: I think the problem you're going to have is that they've actually increased the immediate amount, but cut long-term support (if I'm reading your post correctly: like a lot of people, I didn't actually know this support existed before). I think that makes a lot of inherent sense to people: everyone can see the need for immediate support, but clearly a lot of people find 'up to 18 years' difficult. I think if you want to campaign on this issue, then the issue to focus on is medium-term support: trying to get the £450 a month reinstated for, say, the first five years. I would guess that would command a lot more public sympathy.

Somerville I've followed your story on several threads the sad and the now happier. I'm so sorry you and your children have been through this.

I DO think it's cruel AND unnecessary

"Hate the line that there isn't enough money around and it's about priorities.

That totally negates the huge wealth disparity and companies who evade tax.

There is plenty of money around!!!!"

Plus what a pp said about tax cuts for the already wealthy, tax evasion and avoidance not being addressed, pensioners getting money they don't need... The money IS there!

I think it should be paid for first 3 years. And I speak as a Lp with an ex who neither sees nor pays maintenance for my daughter. That I have a shitty ex doesn't mean I want a widow and bereaved children to suffer more than is absolutely necessary and shame on anyone who does.

Thanks, YetAnotherSpartacus and MeadowHay.

I genuinely hope that none of the people who are so hard-headed about this go through the devastation of losing a spouse. But if they do they will learn that it is life changing and agonising in a way that they currently have no clue about.

Huge huge sympathies somerville and I am shocked by some of the attitudes on this thread.

I think probably the old system was too generous, but equally we have swung far far too far the other way now. well done for speaking out for those who go through this in the future.

I feel a bit embarrassed to be part of a country that would give so little to bereaved families.

And I have been a single parent with a deadbeat ex and it is not comparable!