That cutting benefits to widow/ers with young children by over twenty thousand pounds is heartless and cruel?

[Somerville]

My DH was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2013 and died in 2014. During both the period he was ill, and immediately afterwards, it was extremely difficult for me to continue working. A well as caring for him and then dealing with the huge administrative burden, I have children for whom continuing to attend school every day and 'cope' with normal life was impossible. Alongside all that I had to somehow try to find a way to live with my own grief. And then get out and learn a living - as a freelancer I'd have had no income at all unless I continued to work.

The bereavement benefits I received helped me immeasurably.

• I got a bereavement payment of £2000 which helped cover the immediate few months after his death when I could barely get dressed - let alone work.

• I also got a monthly amount of widowed parents allowance - about £450. (Non means tested but taxable, meaning that as my earnings increased I returned some of this to the government through my tax bill. However, I knew the safety net was there when my earnings dropped again - as indeed they did at one point when one of my children could only manage half days at school.)

I've remarried so no longer qualify - fair enough - but if hadn't I'd have received this until my youngest child left school.

However, the support available for parents who are experience the devastation of becoming widowed after April 1st this year is changing.

• £3,500 immediately.
• £100 per month for the next 18 months.

That's it.

Research by the Childhood Bereavement Network (CBN) suggests 91% of widowed parents will be supported for a shorter period of time than they would under the current system, which can pay out until the youngest child leaves school. It says the typical working family will lose out on more than £12,000, and expects a working parent with young children to lose even more – £23,500 on average. link here

Widowed parents are lone parents without any shared care with an ex partner. Without any maintenance payments from a former partner. And with bereaved, confused and devastated children.

How about it MN? Am I unreasonable to think this change is cruel? And if not, what can I do about it?

If it's not means-tested then I think it's only right to cut it. There just isn't enough money to go round, especially for those who have adequate income from elsewhere. It's very sad though, it would be great if the country could afford the level of support you received.

It sucks. Every benefit's been cut or frozen except those to pensioners (no matter how wealthy).

I suspect that in the next twenty years the pensioners will have their benefits cut, too. It's just that right now every government is terrified to take them away due to the numbers of them!

My father died in 1966 when I was just two. There was absolutely no help for widows then apart from the paltry widow's pension. Luckily my mum had a decent bank manager who waived interest ( would never happen now,!) I can't imagine how difficult it was for her. As I understand she had to return to work within about two weeks ( with me and my older sister to deal with) Not negating what is happening now but there is rather more help - as there should be for all single not by choice parents.

*waived interest on the mortgage

Fuckin' hell someone truly just compared the loss of a child's parent to a 'partner' going to jail or walking out and not paying maintenance. I can't believe what I read on here sometimes.

So sorry for your loss Somerville

Whilst it does appear harsh to cut the specific widow/ers benefit, I would assume that the remaining lone parent would be entitled to claim the same benefits as any other lone parent - so far as I'm aware the reason for becoming a lone parent does not affect entitlement.

If you are not entitled to benefits because of the value of property or assets and/or savings, then as awful as it may be, you need to prioritise between somewhere to live or money to live on - move to a smaller/cheaper property or area, or increase earnings.

It sounds to me as though you yourself would have been entitled to sickness/disability benefit if your depression was so severe that you couldn't get out of bed. I hope you got the right help and support to see you through - it sounds as though you did and you are back in a good place now 💐

Hate the line that there isn't enough money around and it's about priorities.

That totally negates the huge wealth disparity and companies who evade tax.

There is plenty of money around!!!!

Why should a widow be entitled to any more than other lone parents?

I can't believe what I read on here sometimes

maybe because you don't read it.

Fuckin' hell someone truly just compared the loss of a child's parent to a 'partner' going to jail or walking out and not paying maintenance

actually, I said financially, but then, it could be compared emotionally too.

Sorry - that has little to do with the post but loss of a parent isn't some sort of sad event quickly moved on from!

I lived through it twice as a child, firstly when my father died, and later on, after my mother remarried, when my mother died too.

I have students every single term who lose parents through death, abandonment and prison.

sorry posted to soon.. I see at least a basic cover as part of the responsibility of having children- life cover for a non smoker in their 20s/30's is pretty cheap.
And "putting you head in the sand" surely isn't really an option when you have children?

Thanks expat.

There are clearly a lot more hard hearted MNers than there were in the past. It's bloody depressing.

Hedgehog
Although it isn't means tested it is taxable. Which in essence achieves the same thing. It also ends when the widowed person lives with a new partner.

Gosh zero compassion on here.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

These benefits were absolutely critical when my mother was left widowed in her 30's with 4 young children.

I don't think it's cruel - I think that the government giving you £5200 when your spouse dies irrespective of earnings, insurance or benefits is very generous.

I think it's an unfair benefit to be honest. As a lone parent left in the shit by my ex and rarely receiving maintenance and as a sister who was absolutely devastated by the loss of my brother but had no choice but to get on with my life, go to work and bring up my children.

It may have been appropriate many years ago when most women didn't work or couldn't bring in a high income, but this just isn't the case any more.

It sounds to me as though you yourself would have been entitled to sickness/disability benefit if your depression was so severe that you couldn't get out of bed.

I wasn't depressed. I was grief stricken. But not clinically depressed.

I hope you got the right help and support to see you through - it sounds as though you did and you are back in a good place now

Thank you. I did but those whose spouses die after April 5th won't. And they won't have a voice because they'll be too exhausted from the caring burden/ administrative burden/being up most of the night, most nights with their crying children/trying to keep a roof over their heads to speak out. So I'm doing it for them.

expat I read the comparison purely from a financial sense, in which case there is very little difference. It doesn't matter how much money we give the survivor, it will never make up for their loss and is there purely and simply to help them survive financially. The love and support comes from caring family, friends and communities; that's how the bereaved survive emotionally.

It's fucking awful .

And I'm a total lp but I don't begrudge widows that extra financial support.

The bereavement benefits are on top of other benefits if the person qualifies. 18 months is a bit short for the £100/mth, would personally like to see 2-3 years, but it doesn't make sense to have a bigger unlimited length payment either.

Unfair benefit, Clopy Sow. Nice.

Benefits were designed exactly for this reason - to be a back up when someone's life crumbles around them due to circumstances beyond their control.

Your sister can pursue her ex for maintenance through the courts. A bereaved parent can't.

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss .

I think non-means tested £450 a month for potentially 18 years is overly generous too. Benefits need to be targeted at those most in need.

It's always extremely difficult to work out what's fair. Some people would need more money and some less. I know three widows who live in million plus houses.... I have no idea about their finances and couldn't say if they would be 'deserving' of this money but on the face of it I would think not. What about an unmarried partner who loses their partner, what about someone who's partner disappears or goes into prison.....

I'm glad I don't have to make these types of decisions.

Financially a widow/er isn't in a worse position than a someones who's partner goes to jail, or who walks out and refuses to pay maintenance, etc.

Its a sad event, obviously but not one that children typically lose a lot of school over, so rarely impacts on the remaining spouses ability to work.

That sounds so harsh!

My main issue with this is that with the standard "computer says no" stance taken so often we are almost guaranteed to bear a story of a widow or widower being sanctioned from normal benefits for voluntarily giving to their job in a situation where childcare no longer works - DH worked permanent nights when his first wife died. He had no choice but to stop work. The intention will be that making choices like that will be ok, but in reality some poor sod going through hell will be out through the ringer.

The reason it's non means tested and staying non means tested at the new amounts is that so few people need to claim it that it's cheaper just to administer it without lots of staff working out means tested eligibility.

Toast
If the change they were suggesting were making this means tested rather than taxable then I wouldn't have so much of an issue with that. Though it is definitely true that on paper my financial situation wasn't dire but the reality was very different. Because DH had been unable to work for some time before he died, and because it is so expensive being a carer for a person who is terminally ill AND being in essence a loan parent to devestated children I had also not managed to work much that year. So our bank accounts were really low at the point he died, and I wasn't yet sure of the life insurance would cover my mortgage. And I had a funeral to pay for - funerals are surprisingly expensive.
People kept making suggestions like "why don't you take the children away for a little holiday at half term" and I'd think "bloody fucking HOW?? I have to work! And I've got no money for a holiday!"