AIBU ....

[GREATAUNT1]

to expect an invite to my stepsons home? Him, his partner, & 2 kids visit us about once a fortnight, I make cups of tea, feed them, & run round after the kids, they spend about 6 hours here. If we ask to visit them they make excuses, like the house is a mess. Stepson even said that he hated visitors a few weeks ago, well so do I! I'm thinking that they just wanna sit round ours, & get waited on ... Am I being unreasonable? Husband thinks that they should come here, but they drive me mad!

I'm not sure MrsHathaway, I just know that he doesn't want to say anything to his son about this because I don't think that it bothers him.

He obviously feels very at home in your place or he wouldn't come. Can you just continue on with your day and maybe just give him coffee but not meals. As a family we all went back to my parents house, hung around, drank tea chatted. We felt so at home there. They rarely came to ours. Don't put yourself out. Go to the shops if you were going. Just leave them hang around.

It's pretty shameful how much sensitivity your husband has for his own feelings, his stepson's, his stepson's family's....where are yours in all this?!

He wants you to play the anxious stepmum, eager to please in fear of not being accepted. If your stepson was a teenager I'd be more sympathetic but he's an adult with his own family!!

Stop playing the role he's put you in and just be honest as you would with your own family e.g. Stepson would you make the tea this time, Grandchild stop jumping off the sofa or you'll go on the naughty step (or whatever is appropriate), next time we're coming to yours, sorry I'm very tired so going to have to say goodbye, etc! And they should clean their house so you can visit, what a non-excuse!

Your husband & stepson are setting a very poor example about manners to the GC too - can't imagine any of my family or friends behaving this selfishly and expecting to get away with it.

Better still invite one or 2 of your own friends/family at the same time & get them to support you in showing that everyone mucks in - no pampered princes! And if it's too crowded, well all the better for them to learn about having to share space politely instead of invading it!

Can only agree with others

1. find a way of being a bit less hospitable - six hours seems a long time to be having them on regular basis -could you perhaps absent yourself every now and them and leave your other half to handle it?

2. could you perhaps cut down to fortnightly and/or suggest meet ups outside of your home

3. explain to your partner you love and accept DSS and his family are part of your family but the current arrangement is not working for you

To be honest they sound like freeloaders - I am not a step parent and I am sure like in this instance it's fraught with sensitive issues

I suppose in an ideal world things would be like that Boulshired, but it's different with stepkids. I'd like to think that I'm trying to compromise.

junebirthdaygirl, that's what my sis said. I've sat there & completely ignored them in desperation before now, but it just seems to go over their heads.

Have you asked them to help? Bring some food when they next come? If they want a tea make it themselves ( and whilst they are there you would love one too), as stepson to help prep food? Lay table etc? They may not come as often if they are not treated like guests

Clearoutre, I don't really invite family round as we're not close, we tend to meet up at my Mom's on rare occasions, & some of them live miles away. MrGA did suggest having everyone up at the same time but we live in a small flat so I didn't think it would be ideal, but I see what you mean. Believe me I do tell the grandchild off, as no one else seems to & he's not wrecking my home. MrGA did tell them to clean their house as we were going, but stepson came up with another excuse.

Lymmmummy, I honestly believe that they spend all of their free time at someone else's home. So freeloader's about right.

Gizlotsmum, he just laughs if asked to bring anything. That's another problem, we don't have a table! Too many gadgets in here.

That's rude! Do you live near shops so when he doesn't bring stuff he could go and buy it. I think you and MrGA need to get a hobby that needs regular attendance and unfortunately coincides with their regular visit so you would need to shorten it

God really feel for you - I think problem lays with your DP - you are obviously not finding this enjoyable

I would suggest some compromise options and if he cannot understand your point of view I am not sure what comes next

As a pp said your other half seems enormously sensitive to the point of indulgent of his other family members but not to yourself / let us know what you decide and how it goes x

I have a brother who does this to our DM with his kids. The same things happen:

-stays for hours
-expects to be waited on
-doesn't keep an eye on the kids.

Its basically free time for him to have the kids but not have to pay attention because our DM does. He only has them every other week which makes this worse!

You need to just be straight with them. You cannot have them staying for hours - set a time and stick to it. Make them a cup of tea to be polite first, if they want more they can make it themselves or your DH can do it. Don't offer to feed them or the kids so they will have to go home (cooker is broken, nothing in, etc, etc. until they take the hint.). Or do what my DM did and just say you can't afford to be cooking for them every week.

When the kids are naughty, tell them off!

I have never put a time limit on how long my children can visit. I appreciate this was their childhood home which I assume isn't the case with the OP, but It would never occur to me to chuck them out after a couple of hours.

Nanny, the OP is being treated like a skivvy and her husband is letting it happen hence why shortening visits is being suggested, not because she wants a time limit for the sake of it. Ideally the hours would slip by with everyone enjoying themselves.

Gizalotsmum, yeah there's shops, but they seem to think that MrGA's having a joke. Also I can always find something I'd rather be doing, or excuses to cut the visit short, but MrGA won't go along with it. So if I said anything really, I'd probably end up looking foolish if he didn't back me up. So I tend to pretend that all's well now as I wouldn't want to give the kids the satisfaction of knowing that I was seething. Which is even more infuriating as this just ain't me.

It's not so much as I mind cooking, or even buying food, but I am a great believer in learning kids ( I say kids but they're in their 30's) to understand that they have to pay their way in life, as no one owes them anything. Although it doesn't make any difference whether I cook or not, as they still sit there just as long a time. Then at the end of the visit they announce that they have to go home to feed the kids, almost like they're saying that we should've fed them.

If I'm honest Nanny0gg I probably wouldn't be so hasty as to want them to leave after a few hours if they were my kids, but they ain't & that really does change everything. I suppose you'd have to be in my position to understand this really.

The problem my DM has the most with the visits from my brother is that it takes up her whole day!

She works in the week, she wants her free time to catch up on errands, i.e the shopping, catching up on cleaning and going to do other things plus she also wants to relax on her very limited day off! Which she can't do with people there. I'm sure OP feels this same way.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'd like to think that MrGA will back me, but I don't think that he will. The only thing I can do now is say something to the stepson when I see him as I'm sick of arguing about it with MrGA. I'll probably say seeing as it's such a problem for us to visit, we could just meet somewhere neutral for a meal. I'm sure they'll agree until they realise that they'll be paying for their own.

I understand exactly what your DM's going through. We've waited in half a day for them to turn up, putting our original plans on hold, then by the time they leave our day's gone.

Might I just add that if any of my family comes to visit me, I give them a time to come. They (probably as MrGA allows this) treat us like a drop in centre!

Could you try playing stepson's game? When he says they will come by the following weekend you say "great idea, but we will come to you this time", he will answer "oh no, it is a mess" you say "our house is a mess a well, but don't worry you have time to tidy up in the meantime", then "but we don't like to host", you "I know, it is work, I don't enjoy it that much either, that's why we should take turns" etc.

I'd piss off out for the day, let them get on with it. Or spend half hour with them then say you have plans, see you later.

Out of sight, out of mind. Don't be worrying about the kids wrecking the place, let DH sort that out. You can't change the way a freeloader thinks, too thick skinned. So you have to change your pattern.

Just go out and chill.

Oh yes I could play the game & beat them at it, unfortunately MrGA deals with it all by text. I get accused of causing trouble if I say anything, & I always have much to say as you can imagine.