Is my sister right?

[Redsrule]

Our DM died last year. During her final illness my DSis, who doesn't work/have children, was wonderful. I really appreciate what she did and have told her so. My DF is 87 and physically frail although mentally very sharp. He has been very lonely since Mum died and I have asked him if he wants to move in with me. I am a widow and currently live with DD2(23) and her boyfriend(23). I work, as do DD and bf, but they work NHS shifts and I am a teacher and so am here at weekends and school holidays. I also have a cleaner/dog walker who comes in twice a day so dad would seldom be alone for more that a couple of hours.
I have got a builder to install a wet room so dad will have a bedroom, sitting room and bathroom for himself on the ground floor although it is part of the house not an annex.
My DSis is really angry with me for offering without asking her permission. Dad wants to move in but is worried about offending her because she is so upset. I genuinely did not mean to upset her, it is impossible for Dad to live with her because her house can only be accessed by a flight of steps. Was I unreasonable not to ask her permission, she knew I was having the wet room installed for dad but says she thought it was for visits,

I am sure she did not mean that you needed her permission to to this. I am sure that she meant that it was a subject that could have been discussed between the three of you. If one of my siblings had made the same choice about our bereaved parent without discussing it first then I would have been very hurt.

Permission is the wrong word, but I find it baffling you wouldn't discuss it with her.

There are a lot of pros and cons to a parent moving in with one of their children and it's basic manners and sense to discuss it fully.

When last year did your mum pass away? She might be thinking it's very soon for your father to make life changing decisions.

She might be worried that she, and the rest of your extended family, fed they can pop in and visit/check in your dad any time, but won't be able to do that st your house.

She might be thinking that in his home your fathers care could be shared amongst you all, but in your house it'll fall solely on you.

It could be anything and it could so easily have been avoided if you'd talked to her.

Have you fully thought it through and talked it through with your father? What have you decided about living expenses and his contribution to food and electricity etc? What happens if people want to visit him when you have exam time or an ofsted inspection to deal with? What happens if you think your father needs a care home and he, or your siblings disagree? Or the opposite?

My nana lived with us for 4 years and talking through everything is so so important. It's not the big things that cause problems - it's the little things and everyone needs to discuss everything and make sure everything is said so there's no resentment.

I think all you owed her was a discussion.

She is not 'the sibling in charge'. There seem to be at least 4 of you? Talking with each other is what should be expected; no one has to give 'permission' for dad to decide where he wants to live, which is what has happened essentially.

It would be practical for him to live with you. Your house is set up for it and has room. You asked him if he would like to. He said yes. This is what you should relay to your sister.

Your sister is over reacting and ridiculous. Permission indeed. She should be happy your dad will be happy and well looked after and she can see him any time she likes, right?

Calmly tell her you're sorry if she didn't understand why the offer was made, but it was made and he's delighted. This is not about her; it's not a statement about her helping with the care of your mother. This is about your father. WHo has a right to make his own decision under the circumstances.

Not a matter of permission but it might have been polite to talk with her first.

OP previously said:
'she knew all about it, even chose the tiles with me'

how come your brothers are up to speed with this and she isn't? Or have you just mentioned it in passing to them and taking into account the distance they are just not that bothered?

Seems there is a bit missing really....somehow everyone is aware of the wet room and temporary plans but the permanent option has passed everyone (or at least your sister) by.

Good points up tread about her claiming carers allowance...has she done this ...maybe when caring for your DM and now she will obv need to give it up?

tread=thread .

lt sounds to me like your dad's very happy with this - he 'jumped at it', he won't be on his own much, and he loves your dog.
l'd be inclined to say it seemed much the sensible option as even if he had wanted to go to go her, the stairs would have been a major problem. l don't think l'd want to give her keys - if she wants to visit, she can arrange to come - after all, you and your dad aren't going to be the only people living in the house.

As you said, she was wonderful when your mum was very ill - hopefully she can understand that you want to look after your dad in the same way now he's frail.
(l don't have any siblings so l apologise if l'm wide of the mark here!)

I think what you have done is lovely OP. I think she's being unreasonable…I think it would be a bit OTT to get a wet room put in for visits- they cost a fortune!

I agree say sorry that she wasn't fully aware of what was going on. It's awful that your Dad is now having second thoughts on something that would improve his quality of life, just because your sister has got a huff on. I think she needs to get over it, do the kind thing, and 'allow' her Dad to move on.

Can you just clear this up OP - is it money she is after? Does your father own a house and is she expecting to have it?

Perhaps your sister is feeling lonely herself and was thinking that she and your father would keep each other company.

This is very sad OP, isn't it ?
I think you need to sit down with her, tell her what you've told us. Tell her what an absolute gem she was, regarding caring for your DM. That you were just wanting to do your bit, and truly thought that she was aware of your intentions. Say that your home is always open to her, to spend time with your DF, and that any future arrangements will be discussed as a family, at an agreeable time.
You sound very genuine, and I can feel you are hurting. Address this sooner, rather than later, because your DS is hurting too. I hope you resolve this. 💐

I did wonder about giving her some keys so she feels she can come and go

Absolutely not! There are obvious communication issues to iron out before negotiating boundaries!

If she's being difficult/weird now can you imagine having the conversation asking for the key back when she oversteps boundaries?
Is she older than you?
It smacks of a kind of 'entitlement' to me.

She probably secretly thinks 'it's your turn now', not nastily, but she knows what a huge commitment it is.

What i see is her keeping quiet until you've taken on the caring responsibility.
Given she was main carer for your mum - surely dad's future care must have come up in conversations?
Hardly a difficult subject considering you've dealt with this type of thing before.

However, she still wants to 'be in control', so you defer to her and she has the 'veto' on decisions.

That way she can passive aggressively be in control of how things are done

Giving her a key would just add to that dynamic....dad lives with you but she calls the shots. You need to be able to discuss the uncomfortable side of things openly first....either your dad or you have to start that off - it will come across as grabby if your sis does it.

i doubt your sis is stupid enough to think that you were going to all this expense of converting your house just for weekends
if she did then surely she would have asked why you were going to all that expense - seeing as she was choosing the decor with you?!

she KNOWS unless she's lost touch with reality

Well you should have discussed it together and I cant imagine why you made this decision without talki g to her

Informed, surely, but why consulted? Why would you treat your dad like a child?

It's not treating dad like a child to consult the other adult children when a change like this is made because it affects everyone. When an aging parent moves in with another family member, planning for eventualities has to take place as aging is usually a process where the parent's ability to function in any environment may lessen considerably over time. And what about back-up? What happens if the carer becomes incapacitated suddenly? What are the contingency plans? It's not treating the parent as a child to consult with other people who would be expected to help out; it's just good sense.

As to keys, my brother who lives closest to me has a key to my house and I have one to his, but obviously, that very much depends on the nature of the relationship.

why are people thinking she didn't know/wasn't involved when she was all along?

You don't need her permission. But I do think you should've discussed it with her

A normal person would have discussed the new living situation with the entire family. Your brothers were probably not bothered, but as you and your family are working and your dsis isn't, she probably thinks quite rightly that she'll have to cover for you if anything happened to your dad. You sound v v selfish & I very much doubt you'll be able to keep your dad on in the case of a fall or sickness etc.

why are people thinking she didn't know/wasn't involved when she was all along?

The OP said "We did discuss the work I was having done and why but I think now she thought it was for a temporary stay sometimes" which is the bit which just doesn't add up to me. How could the permanent part NEVER have come up??

Hello I decided to go and see my sister after all the consensus here was that I handled it badly and I accept that. We had a long talk about it and it turns out that whilst she admits she knew about the plans she wanted me to tell her when I was going to offer it to dad. I fully accept I was wrong but it just came out last weekend in conversation. I have apologised and she accepted.

She said that part of her issue is that she feels guilty that she hadn't offered to have dad but it would have meant leaving their home they spent years perfecting.

Money/ dad's house is not an issue since the idea was to keep the house so my brothers and their families have a place to stay when they visit.

Thank you all for your input, sometimes we do need strangers to point out the bleeding obvious! I am glad we have sorted it and are back on good terms again.

That's a great outcome. Well done.