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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister right?

118 replies

Redsrule · 28/01/2017 15:31

Our DM died last year. During her final illness my DSis, who doesn't work/have children, was wonderful. I really appreciate what she did and have told her so. My DF is 87 and physically frail although mentally very sharp. He has been very lonely since Mum died and I have asked him if he wants to move in with me. I am a widow and currently live with DD2(23) and her boyfriend(23). I work, as do DD and bf, but they work NHS shifts and I am a teacher and so am here at weekends and school holidays. I also have a cleaner/dog walker who comes in twice a day so dad would seldom be alone for more that a couple of hours.
I have got a builder to install a wet room so dad will have a bedroom, sitting room and bathroom for himself on the ground floor although it is part of the house not an annex.
My DSis is really angry with me for offering without asking her permission. Dad wants to move in but is worried about offending her because she is so upset. I genuinely did not mean to upset her, it is impossible for Dad to live with her because her house can only be accessed by a flight of steps. Was I unreasonable not to ask her permission, she knew I was having the wet room installed for dad but says she thought it was for visits,

OP posts:
Original poster
Redsrule · 28/01/2017 16:37

No Dad has not paid a penny and I wouldn't ever ask him for money.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2017 16:38

She's probably feeling shut out and at a loose end. You have done a lovely thing. Just apologise for not discussing it first and move on. Really this isn't worth fighting about. And giving her keys is a great idea.

Katy07 · 28/01/2017 16:38

I can't help thinking that she used the word "permission" (assuming she did specifically) without actually thinking about it in the heat of the moment. I doubt she actually expected you to ask her permission but I think it's very odd that you didn't discuss it with her, particularly since you had the perfect opportunity if she was looking at tiles with you!
Maybe she's thinking about inheritances, maybe it's that she's lost your mum and now feels like she's losing her dad too, maybe she feels shut out? Who knows. But you need to talk to her.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/01/2017 16:39

Yes permission is odd but I agree with others that you probably should have consulted and discussed it with her in full.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 28/01/2017 16:41

I wonder if she feels a bit cut out of the loop. 'Permission' seems to be a clumsy way of expressing things - perhaps 'consulted' would have been better. I can understand if she feels hurt to be left out, especially if she was doing a lot of the heavy lifting where caring for your DM was concerned. But that doesn't make her the family carer and therefore the arbiter of all decisions!

It sounds like a case of crossed wires and lack of communication, which is the approach I would take. Tell her you are not trying to leave her out - only trying to step up and help because you have the facilities to do so. That yes you should have been clearer with what you were planning, but - gently - point out that your Dad is free to live where he wants and needs nobody's 'permission'. Ask her if there are any things that she would like to do or if she wants to talk about daily care strategies for your DF. Her feelings are probably a bit bruised at the moment but if you usually have a good relationship then she should get past this and hopefully be able to see that her reaction was emotional and that you're all trying to do the right thing for your DF.

Formerpigwrestler9 · 28/01/2017 16:41

she trying to hold onto her position as the most worthy, the biggest martyr, the one who hold the moral highground and made all the sacrifices etc

ApocalypseNowt · 28/01/2017 16:42

I think the best way forward is to apologise - say you're sorry things got confused and you weren't deliberately trying to bypass her/push her out. Tell her you feel awful about the situation.

Having a little heart to heart might be all this needs. Hope you sort it out OP x

IwasAM · 28/01/2017 16:48

What, precisely, is her issue?

Is it simply the lack of communication (and she's irked - rightly or wrongly - at that) or is there more at play here? IE does she currently have caring responsibilities for your DF, in receipt of Carer's allowance of some kind, or suspects there will be some kind of inheritance shift if your DF is living with you? Is there a financial benefit - rent, paying for the wet room, anything - that will come your way when/if he moves in with you that she is uncomfortable about?

Find it really odd as, based on what you've shared, it sounds like a fantastic plan for your DF Confused He'll be in a place where he still has his own space but is broadly surrounded by others vs. (presumably?) being alone 24/7 aside from when you and siblings visit - how can this be anything but good?

Is she actually objecting to the move now going ahead (massive issue) or simply expressing her displeasure at not being involved in the decision making process (less of an issue in grand schema of things)?

And what is her Plan B for if DF is not moving in with you - or was there already an ongoing care plan in place involving her and she is feeling dismissed as a consequence of that changing?

Hard to advise in absence of knowing the above TBH. The one thing that is clear though is that your DF is very lucky to be able to be in a place that will meet his needs, where he will be surrounded by company and care when he wants/needs it, yet facilitate a significant degree of independence. Wish more elderly people were surrounded by the same degree of familial love and care TBH.

bananaleaves · 28/01/2017 16:49

What a strange situation, I still don't really understand how, when you are so close, that the fact he was actually moving in permanently never came up. If I was your sis I would feel a bit left out and deceived TBH and I'd wonder why you felt you had to behave that way.
Did she actually use the word "permission"?

IwasAM · 28/01/2017 16:50

X-post vis funds but rest of Q's still stand - am finding this utterly baffling TBH.

toptoe · 28/01/2017 16:52

Is she doing a lot of care work for him that you are unaware of?

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 28/01/2017 16:53

Permission is certainly the wrong word but in her position I would expect to be consulted. I'm guessing that during the period she was caring for your DM she would have become very close to your DF and maybe she feels that by moving in with you that bond will be lost. She must still be going through the grieving process (as you will be too) and probably this feels like another loss.

Lelloteddy · 28/01/2017 16:55

What is going to happen to your dads house when he moves in with you?

Formerpigwrestler9 · 28/01/2017 16:57

Dad wants to move in but is worried about offending her because she is so upset
your poor Dad, he is elderly and has been bereaved, he should be able to relax and live where he wants to without worrying about her

she's being very ungracious and making it all about her

Trifleorbust · 28/01/2017 17:01

CheeseCakeSunflowers: Informed, surely, but why consulted? Why would you treat your dad like a child?

bananaleaves · 28/01/2017 17:03

It sounds so weird it just makes me wonder if the OP has been a bit shady TBH.

BarbarianMum · 28/01/2017 17:08

Yes I don't like "consulted" any more than I think OP' s father (who is the one making the decision after all) should ask for permission.

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2017 17:09

Honestly op, your father is moving in with you, this is a major move, how you managed to spend all that time with your sister and never once mention it, even when buying for his wet room is very strange.

KurriKurri · 28/01/2017 17:09

I think you are being totally reasonable by making the offer and clearly it is what your dad wants and it sounds as if he would be very happy in your home.
I guess your sister is upset that she wasn't consulted (although it sounds like miscommunication) but really it is your Dad's choice - he doesn't need anyone's permission or to consult anyone - he's a grown up.

But it's important to find a way forward that is important to your Dad. i would tell your sister that you thought you had communicated your intentions but obviously it got a bit muddled somewhere. That you appreciate so much how caring she was to your Mum that you thought it would be nice if she had more free time and you did the bulk of the caring for your Dad. re iterate that she can come and go as she pleases with her own key, see her dad and take him out, have him to stay whenever she wants. And also say that ultimately the main thing is that your Dad is not upset and put in a difficult situation where he thinks you are quarreling, so between you, you have to let it be known that you are both happy with his decision (which might mean she has to suck up her feelings a bit0

I think when you have cared for someone for a long time and they die, you find yourself in a bit of a limbo - you lose a bit of purpose in your life and it takes time to replace it.Maybe this is part of her distress - she felt your dad would fill the hole left by your Mum. It sounds as if she needs to be needed, so find a way of letting her feel needed in another way. Maybe giving your Dad weekend breaks or outings,treats or whatever.

GloriaGaynor · 28/01/2017 17:10

My sis and I are really close too. This wouldn't happen without our discussing and agreeing it. So I don't quite understand how she's got left out of the loop.

Rachel0Greep · 28/01/2017 17:13

It does seem a bit strange that she was not made aware of what was to happen?

Embletoni · 28/01/2017 17:15

I can completely understand why your sister is upset. It's not really about needing her 'permission', it's that you and your Dad have arrived at a big decision without discussing it with her. Which is odd given how close you say you are.

It's a shame your Dad is aware of this upset - keep him out of it. The right thing to do is acknowledge a lack of consideration in your behaviour, discuss your thinking with her and ask her how she suggests you proceed. I'm quite sure she'll agree to your Dad moving in with you, unless she would have/would still like to take on this task herself.

I'm surprised you don't understand why she's upset too. Would you be ok if the situation was reversed?

paddlenorapaddle · 28/01/2017 17:21

It's just an odd turn of phrase permission, she more upset because she feels forgotten of course this isn't about her though is it. I wonder if your DF has had enough of her in a nice way mind but he wants a change of scenery and not to be reminded of his DW passing which unfortunately he may associate your sister with

Quick conversation and put it to bed hold off on the keys until you see how this plays out

Softkitty2 · 28/01/2017 17:24

You do not need permission from her. Its not about her but about what's best for your father and maybe she needs to be reminded of that.

Thinkingblonde · 28/01/2017 17:26

Is Dad of sound mind? If so he doesn't need his other daughters permission to live with you. From your post it sounds like he's looking forward to moving in with you.

You don't need to ask for her permission. Its between you and your dad really.