Is my sister right?

[Redsrule]

Our DM died last year. During her final illness my DSis, who doesn't work/have children, was wonderful. I really appreciate what she did and have told her so. My DF is 87 and physically frail although mentally very sharp. He has been very lonely since Mum died and I have asked him if he wants to move in with me. I am a widow and currently live with DD2(23) and her boyfriend(23). I work, as do DD and bf, but they work NHS shifts and I am a teacher and so am here at weekends and school holidays. I also have a cleaner/dog walker who comes in twice a day so dad would seldom be alone for more that a couple of hours.
I have got a builder to install a wet room so dad will have a bedroom, sitting room and bathroom for himself on the ground floor although it is part of the house not an annex.
My DSis is really angry with me for offering without asking her permission. Dad wants to move in but is worried about offending her because she is so upset. I genuinely did not mean to upset her, it is impossible for Dad to live with her because her house can only be accessed by a flight of steps. Was I unreasonable not to ask her permission, she knew I was having the wet room installed for dad but says she thought it was for visits,

Is your father not of sound mind? Because that's the only reason I can think of that would require your siblings permission. If he's a healthy man who has all his mental faculties then the only permission you need is his, and you seem to have that already.

I have an issue with the asking her permission.
However, I think it would have been nice to tell her about your plans clearly (which wasn't the case if she thought the work was for your dad to come a
Occasionally).
I assume you were clear enough with your brothers so why not her?

Otherwise, the decision is his really.
You made an offer and he accepted it. There isn't a lot else to say.

What I would do is to have a chat as to why it is an issue for her? What is she worried about if he moves in with you? Is she just pissed off that she wasn't consulted (i.e. She might well have thought about having your dad at home too or wanted to help him stay in his own house just like she helped your mum).
Have a chatwith her.

What would her alternative proposition for your Dad's situation be?

As she lives alone, she may have liked the opportunity to move somewhere more suitable, with your dad.

It should have been discussed really.

I think you aren't being very kind, and pp are being far too harsh. Permission was of course the wrong word for her to have used, but try and see it from her perspective. She did so much for your mother...maybe to her this feels like you are telling her she wasn't good enough, because you don't want her to do the same for your dad? Maybe she's feeling like you all were happy enough for her to do the bulk of the caring previously, but now you are pushing her aside without even talking to her about it?

Just talk to her. No need for any nastiness, and certainly no need for an entire aibu thread to tell you a hundred times what a bitch she is.

It sounds like a slightly bizarre lack of communication between you and your sister, if you two were actually going around choosing tiles for the wet room, with her believing you were doing it for your father's occasional visits, and you (apparently?) believing she fully understood that your father was coming to live with you permanently...?

I mean, how come no one else mentioned it to her, like your father, who presumably sees a lot of her, or your brothers?

I think I'd feel slightly strange about it in her circumstances, too, purely because I'd be wondering why no one had told me a major decision about a shared parent's future welfare had been made?

The 'permission' thing is slightly odd, though - why doesn't your sister work, for instance, given that she's not a SAHP? Had your parents become her 'job' essentially, and she'd been envisaging that continuing to be her major responsibility?

I find it strange to be honest she helped you pick the tiles etc yet you failed totally to mention to her it was so your father could move in. It's fairly big news and not something someone would forget, so I'm guessing you deliberately didn't tell her. And if that's so, why did you not?

Is there some will issue here? What will happen to his home?

If your father is in sound mind then the it is his decision surely.

It's totally understandable that she is upset. She was fully involved in the care of your mum so it's no wonder she's reacted badly to this being presented as a done deal.
Of course your dad is absolutely entitled to live wherever he chooses but as has already been mentioned, perhaps she was thinking about her options for the future and may have wanted to offer him alternatives.
I'm not surprised that she's really upset at how this has been done and that excuses her use of the word 'permission'.

The 'permission' thing is really really odd. Consultation, yes (to agree on best way forward, consider other options before settling on living with you as the best option) - but permission?

I would have to have a talk with her - what did she actually mean? Is it possible she used the wrong word in the heat of an argument (I've done that.)? That she meant consultation but said permission?

You say she doesn't work or have children - has she a partner? If not, could she have been considering moving in with your dad to take care of him as she had your mum?

Did she perhaps think she would sell up and move in with your dad, and have the family home as her eternal reward?

Seems very odd that she would expect to be in a position to give "permission"

I do have some personal experience with this type of thing, with both of my parents and professionally. Based on my experience, it is the norm, I think, for adult children to consult each other and the parent in question when making a life-changing decision like this and to try to come to some consensus. So I do think it understandable that this upset your sister when it was presented to her as a done deal. In the situations I have been involved with, there was agreement, but if anyone had objected, it would be understood that it was the parent's choice of which alternative to take. No one had to give permission, but everyone was consulted.

Considering she looked after your dm so much it is very inconsiderate of you not to sit down with her and have a very clear discussion about your dfs care. It's like you completely ignored the fact that she took care of your dm and acted like it's nothing to do with her. Obviously permission is the wrong word but she should have had a big part in the plans. My dsis does a huge amount for my ailing dm. If any plans are being made we, as a family give her great respect in those because we fully appreciate all she has done to date. I believe you have a bit of work to do here with your dsis.

What bollocks. It's up to her dad where he lives, not the OPs batshit sister.

There is something someone in this scenario isn't saying surely?

The talking to one another a lot but nevertheless failing to really communicate seems to be the root problem.

Permission is a very, very loaded word - do you think she is using it unthinkingly or does she genuinely think you need permission (rather than to have come to a mutual family consensus)?

Equally managing to be close enough to choose tiles but distant enough not to communicate why you were choosing them is so odd.

Is there a lot of talking and no real listening between you? Are words just silence fillers?

If she really meant what she said I'd assume she had a plan in her head - probably she intended to move in to his house - but the mutual lack of communication means you were unaware she had a plan which you prevented from happening, and she is annoyed with you have failed to listen to what she meant not what she said, as are you with her...

Did your Dad not discuss it with her?

Is this because she asked permission to look after your mother?

Have you asked her why she wanted you to ask permission?

Have you asked her why she wanted you to ask permission?

I'd ask this too. What is she concerned about?

"Permission"? Is that how she termed it herself? If so, fuck that shit.
If she expected to be consulted or at least informed, not so unreasonable.

Was there literally no point when you said something like "when dad moves in..."? Why did you not tell/discuss it with her.

I can't get my head around you saying - "we're going to build an extension for dad" but not following it up with "for when he moves in".

I can see why your DSis is upset. She did the caring for your mum but isn't even part of the conversation when it comes to your dad?

Very odd dynamic...

Is your dad financing the wet room?

Only ask because years ago I was in the same position. Dad wasn't unable to live by himself and I offered for him to come and live here but as we didn't have space we would need a downstairs ensuite bedroom extension which dad would have to pay for as I didn't have the money.

I did talk it over with my brother first as I was aware that when my dad died I would be left with a house which was worth more at no cost to me. My brother was lovely and said he didn't care.

Thank you all for your input . DSis doesn't work because that is her and her DH 's choice. She has horses and a busy life, he is very successful and they often are abroad. She sacrificed that very willingly to help DM. I love my sister very much. I was clearly not as explicit as I should have been, my brothers, who were present most times we discussed Dad's situation, were aware of my intentions. They both live 100's of miles away but are here on a regular, monthly basis.

I feel awful that my sister and I are at loggerheads and am beginning to see I was wrong not to spell it out. I just hope we can get past it quickly.

Permission? What nonsense. Maybe while she was looking after your mum she formed some plans of her own? Perhaps she considered moving into your df's house and looking after him.

Is she worried about what will happen to the house when he leaves it and moves in with you?

Whatever her reasons, she is entirely unreasonable in expecting you to ask her permission, it's quite ridiculous. So whatever else, continue with the plan to move your dad in with you as that's what he wants.