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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable to ask this woman to stop making 'aww' noises?

78 replies

unflinchingasaphotograph · 28/01/2017 11:43

Blush I think I might have just been quite rude, so do tell me if you think I was and I will apologise to her.

She was asking me questions - are you married, do you have kids and so on, and I was responding in the negative. She then kept saying 'awwwww' sympathetically, with a head tilt. I said in the end politely but a bit tersely 'please don't do that!'

Was I? I feel bad now!

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/01/2017 12:06

Also why is she saying Aww. Not every women yearns to be a mother or to have a fairy tale white wedding.

tinydancer88 · 28/01/2017 12:07

It's not empathy she was displaying, it was pity for a unmarried child-free woman.
If she thought the questions might upset you and require an OTT sympathetic response, why did she keep asking them? Confused

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/01/2017 12:08

I was always taught by my mum and dad. That its rude to ask questions.

Original poster
unflinchingasaphotograph · 28/01/2017 12:08

Well, exactly, tiny! They WERE upsetting me a bit actually but her reaction was far more upsetting than a simple statement of facts.

OP posts:
user1471467016 · 28/01/2017 12:11

You know you were rude and don't like that feeling, remember that next time, rather than seek affirmation from strangers that it was ok. You initially didn't think it was, don't let the bravado carry you through, you seem to regret it

bigtapdancingpimp · 28/01/2017 12:11

I do the same as finn along with a dramatic shudder. There's a woman at my gym who does a similar thing 'Aww, it's not too late, you might meet someone' etc etc.

I'm 44 FFS, I'm not looking for a babydaddy Grin

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/01/2017 12:13

And asking people uncomfortable questions isn't rude. If she'd have been prying into my personal life. I have told her to mind her own effin business. How's that for rudeness

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 28/01/2017 12:13

YANBU. I'd have had to get her to spell out why she was making the noises, I think. Then I could have explained that actually being married with kids would be my personal hell.

Lottapianos · 28/01/2017 12:13

Empathy?! Dear god! Not everyone who is unmarried and not a mother is crying into their cocoa every evening. Sounds like she was being a patronising idiot and I'm not surprised you had to say something. Well done for standing up for yourself

Saracen · 28/01/2017 12:14

If your understanding of her meaning was correct, YWNBU and she was rude.

Before expressing annoyance I would have clarified what "Awww" meant. Maybe she is not good at communicating. Maybe it meant, "oh, I see".

You were probably right in thinking that she was expressing pity, which was very rude of her, but it's better to check.

sonyaya · 28/01/2017 12:14

Her reaction was incredibly belittling. I don't think you did anything wrong.

Treeroot · 28/01/2017 12:17

Are you sure it was meant as a sympathetic "aww"?

I have a friend that says 'aww" to everything anyone says, mainly I think because she's very shy and doesn't know what else to say. It's sort of said in a sympathetic sounding voice, but she doesn't mean it to sound sympathetic, she's says it to everything - good news, bad news, jokes, everything!

Original poster
unflinchingasaphotograph · 28/01/2017 12:18

It was definitely a sympathetic 'aww.' Head tilt and everything :)

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 28/01/2017 12:22

I'd like to piggyback this thread to ask if it's rude to ask another Mother if she works?

I remember chatting at the school gates with a Mum on more than one occassion and I said one day "What do you do?" and instead of saying "Oh before maternity leave I was a teacher" or whatever she said "I just mooch off my husband!" in a terse fashion.

Was I rude?

LagunaBubbles · 28/01/2017 12:27

Cara you seem to be confusing empathy with pity.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 28/01/2017 12:28

I would say patronising pity at that.

Olympiathequeen · 28/01/2017 12:30

You were maybe refreshingly honest and a little bit rude but very understandably so!

Maybe being a southerner I tend to just suck up that kind of thing and not have your honesty Grin

I too would hate to have someone showing pity because I didn't conform to their view of what a mid 30s woman should be.

YouHadMeAtCake · 28/01/2017 12:36

You weren't rude. What is it with question askers. I know the sort you mean and they drive me crazy. Especially her not answering your question just asking you another . Asking people about children is awful and really bad taste.

We met a lovely couple,recently. They didn't talk about children and we of course, didn't ask. Just as well because they couldn't have children and it was a really painful subject for them.

I'd have said are you always this patronizing and nosy? Grin

ScarlettSahara · 28/01/2017 12:42

op -Although the lady you were talking to may just have been socially inept, I think you did the right thing- she perhaps needs to review how she conducts conversation.

I would not feel too bad - it was not your intention to belittle her - you just wanted her to refrain from doing something that made you feel uncomfortable.

NC1nightstand · 28/01/2017 12:50

I could not stand that op. My mother does something similar and although I know she means to be comforting it drives me crazy.
This woman was probably trying to make small talk and her reaction is obviously based on the narrow perimeters she believes women must fit into. It's 2017 for goodness sake! I wouldn't give it a second thought, she was rude to ask you such personal questions imho but I doubt she sees it that way.

TheFirstMrsDV · 28/01/2017 12:53

YANBU but she will think you were.
But that is life.
It sounds bloody annoying and most of us usually suck it up (different context, I am married with kids) so people carry on doing this stuff.

I have seen loads of threads on MN where the OP is told 'You should have said something at the time, no point in moaning about it now.'

Well you did say something and it worked. You were not horrible but this sort of situation will always be awkward.

I am always surprised that it is the recipient of annoying/inappropriate/offensive behaviour who is the one who gets blamed for the awkwardness if they protest.

I would be a bit upset if someone put me straight but I would prefer the did it so I didn't carry on being a twat for the rest of my life.

I am guilty of asking about kids and to be perfectly honest I don't know how to respond if the answer is no. I don't want to assume its a sad thing but I don't want to ignore the sadness if it is.

But thats a different thread.

harderandharder2breathe · 28/01/2017 12:54

She sounds annoying but you were very rude

GnomeDePlume · 28/01/2017 13:09

I know a few people who do this. In their case I think it is just a conversational 'tick'. It isnt about pity or sympathy it is just a conversational acknowledgement that you have said something.

Original poster
unflinchingasaphotograph · 28/01/2017 13:11

Thanks.

I'm not normally like that at all and I did say it with a smile and put my hand up in a sort of 'okay! - that's enough now!' manner.

I've been trying to remember the conversation: it started with her asking quit innocuously where I lived and I was trying to explain as where I live is a bit funny and sort of straddles two villages. She then said "oh, I know where you mean, is it (new housing estate)" and I said no, but close - its an apartment which used to be a school!

Then the conversation went
"Oh, is it just you then?"
"Yes, it is, yes."
"Awwwwwww." Head tilt. "Not married?"
"No ..."
"No kids?"
"No ..."
"Awwwww. Have you ever been married?"
"No ..."
"Awwww." Head tilt.
"So, how about you, do you have children."
"Yes, I've got kids. Do you not want them?"
"Maybe."
"Awwwww. Have you always lived on your own?"
"Yes ..."
"Awwwwww, why?"
I laughed a bit "you can see me, can't you? Anyway, I -"
"Awwwwww. You should -"
"Please don't do that!" (Laugh!) "so, how old are your children?"

Arrrgggghhh!

OP posts:
Original poster
unflinchingasaphotograph · 28/01/2017 13:13

Gnome, if you watch Corrie there is an 'aww' noise Tracy Barlow makes when she's being sarky. That was just like the noise annoying woman made! Only not sarky but it wasn't a brief 'aw, right' it was a proper 'awwwwwww' you'd make watching a programme about kittens with hurt paws or something.

OP posts: