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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU congratulating my friend on her new relationship

63 replies

LogicalOperations · 27/01/2017 16:22

My friend has entered into a new relationship and is blissfully happy and I am thrilled that she has found love.

So far, I have shared in her happiness and said that I am really made up for her.

At the back of my mind however, I feel slightly disingenuous as aspects of the relationship have all the hallmarks of a possible scam. The man is over thirty years younger than her and they met when he was on holiday in the UK (he normally resides in Morroco). He had proposed marriage within a few weeks after they first met, which seems a bit quick by most people's standards. She has now been over to visit him in Morocco a few times but has never been introduced to his family, who know nothing about her. He also describes himself as "Single" on Facebook, which I think is a bit worrying.

She is now going through the legal processes to bring him over to the UK and they hope to marry soon, either here or in Morrocco.

Her family and some of her other friends have been really critical and said that the man is just using her to get to the UK/gain access to her money.

I have said nothing about any worries I might have, and just said how pleased I am for her.

Should I be more honest? I feel that it is up to her who she wants to be with as she is more than capable of making her own decisions. On the other hand, I feel that if it did all go horribly wrong, I have "encouraged her". I feel especially worried for her children in the event it is a scam as I imagine she would stand to lose half her money.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Creampastry · 27/01/2017 16:23

She's probably been set up to be scammed...

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/01/2017 16:27

If this was my friend I would have to tell her my worries. To be honest, it does sound dodgy and I imagine once he is over here legally she won't see him for dust.

So yes, you should be honest with her, kind but fair.

Original poster
LogicalOperations · 27/01/2017 16:27

Would you say anything though?

OP posts:
ooohsopink · 27/01/2017 16:27

I'd feel like you. I'd want to say something and would probably end up taking her out for a coffee and having an 'I'm just checking with you that this what you want, and that if you have any doubts about your forthcoming relationship it is ok to slow down and to make sure'

I'd also say that your concern was only coming from a place of love and kindness and that if she is sure then you are really happy for her and wish her well.

Just be honest but kind.

bumsexatthebingo · 27/01/2017 16:29

If she's a good friend I'd have to say something but it would be a difficult conversation. Maybe suggest she takes some legal advice re her finances before they marry?

Original poster
LogicalOperations · 27/01/2017 16:30

Betty Thank you. Sorry I was replying to CreamPastry and cross posted with you.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/01/2017 16:30

Yes I would definitely say something.

Ilovecaindingle · 27/01/2017 16:31

It is your duty as a friend surely?

EB123 · 27/01/2017 16:32

I would have to tell her my concerns, in the kindest way possible. It does sound like a scam. She may not take kindly to the concerns but I couldn't just watch it happen. It may lead toa falling out but still be there for her if needed if/when it goes pear shaped.

Michellelovesizzy · 27/01/2017 16:32

If you do say something will it make a difference? You don want push ur friend alway! You just need to be there no matter what !

Original poster
LogicalOperations · 27/01/2017 16:33

bumsexatthebingo Advising her to seek advice regarding her finances is a very good idea. I will definitely do that. Thank you.

OP posts:
Schwifty · 27/01/2017 16:33

Oh Logical, she's lucky to have a friend like you. I take it the concerns from others have fallen on deaf ears and/or made her even more determined? Check in and chat over coffee, as much for your own feelings as hers, then maybe you'll have to take a step back and see what happens. How old are the dc?

MissMrsMsXX · 27/01/2017 16:34

you'll have to phrase it carefully.

I have a mate who is loaded, well ish. She started seeing someone and I noticed she was always buying him stuff. So I just carefully said she should allow money into the relationship as it can muddy the waters. Let them really get to know eachotehr before talking financial commitments.

So woo hoo friend, he sounds so lovely.... but just to make sure you can make this relationship about love don't invest any money into it.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1294752/Why-does-middle-aged-woman-think-HER-holiday-seducer-real-deal.html

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2561995/When-Jane-56-met-Michael-28-holiday-The-Gambia-thought-true-love-But-happened-left-sister-fearing-life.html

www.mailonsunday.co.uk/money/news/article-2294553/Lonely-hearts-targeted-tricked-fortunes-cruel-sweetheart-scam.html

notmaryberry · 27/01/2017 16:36

Happened to a friend of a friend, also a guy from Morocco. He is currently taking her to court for half of her assets.

Itmustbemyage · 27/01/2017 16:38

I would definitely say something, my sister felt she had to tell me something about my then DP (nothing like your friends situation though) and she did have real evidence rather than just suspicions . It was hard for me to hear and I did break up the relationship as a result. My sister did me a huge favour though and I really appreciated her putting my wellbeing ahead of her concern that I would fall out with her over it. We didn't fall out by the way.
If you really care about your friend I think you have to tell her and risk damaging your friendship. Make sure that she knows you are there for her whatever she decides and then it is up to her.

Original poster
LogicalOperations · 27/01/2017 16:38

Schwifty Yes Schwifty, concerns from her family and other friends have been brushed aside. Her DC are 17 and 28, so older.

OP posts:
Footle · 27/01/2017 16:41

She will need to be pretty well-off to afford to bring him here, with the income restrictions we now have.

Original poster
LogicalOperations · 27/01/2017 16:48

MissMrsMsXX Oh God MissMrsMsXX , those stories are pretty chilling.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/01/2017 16:48

I hate to piss on her parade, but.We all know the age old saying. If something looks too good to be true. It usually is.
Will she listen. I doubt it. Would you if you were smitten

Original poster
LogicalOperations · 27/01/2017 16:49

Footle She is very well off.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/01/2017 16:55

Yes, I think you should say your piece and then leave it.

How old are they?

RortyCrankle · 27/01/2017 16:55

I think I would have to say something but I'm sure it will be a very difficult conversation.

I worked with a woman years ago who had a longish term relationship with a man who did not have permanent residency although he lived in the uk. Her parents didn't like him and threatened not to attend the wedding etc, but they went ahead and got married.

At the end of the ceremony the man said thanks and goodbye. Bride was obviously confused and he told her that he had only married her for residency, walked out and was never seen again. She ended up in hospital with a severe mental breakdown.

I've watched tv programmes about Immmigration, on more than one occasion they have removed grooms at the registry office prior to the ceremony and ultimately been sent back to their country of origin.

It's a horrible question and I doubt you can ask her but what she needs to ask herself is what she thinks the man finds attractive about a woman 30 years older than him. I think the answer is obvious, sadly.

The very best of luck OP, you'll need it.

Creampastry · 27/01/2017 16:56

I think id contact immigration and tell them.

bimbobaggins · 27/01/2017 17:01

Buy her a few issues of take a break. They are normally full of stories like this

SomethingBorrowed · 27/01/2017 17:05

I am not sure i would say something, because I doubt she would listen.
If she is not stupid she must have thought about it already and decided his reasons are honest, so she won't change her mind just because you talk to her.
Also, if a part of her knows his reasons might not be honest, she might be in denial and be mad at anyone trying to tell her.

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