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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU congratulating my friend on her new relationship

63 replies

LogicalOperations · 27/01/2017 16:22

My friend has entered into a new relationship and is blissfully happy and I am thrilled that she has found love.

So far, I have shared in her happiness and said that I am really made up for her.

At the back of my mind however, I feel slightly disingenuous as aspects of the relationship have all the hallmarks of a possible scam. The man is over thirty years younger than her and they met when he was on holiday in the UK (he normally resides in Morroco). He had proposed marriage within a few weeks after they first met, which seems a bit quick by most people's standards. She has now been over to visit him in Morocco a few times but has never been introduced to his family, who know nothing about her. He also describes himself as "Single" on Facebook, which I think is a bit worrying.

She is now going through the legal processes to bring him over to the UK and they hope to marry soon, either here or in Morrocco.

Her family and some of her other friends have been really critical and said that the man is just using her to get to the UK/gain access to her money.

I have said nothing about any worries I might have, and just said how pleased I am for her.

Should I be more honest? I feel that it is up to her who she wants to be with as she is more than capable of making her own decisions. On the other hand, I feel that if it did all go horribly wrong, I have "encouraged her". I feel especially worried for her children in the event it is a scam as I imagine she would stand to lose half her money.

WWYD?

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 27/01/2017 17:07

Yep, same here, my friend also met a much younger chap from Turkey. They married actually. She never met any of his family (very common in these situations). 14 months later, divorced and he's married to his cousin in Bodrum. It will end in tears more than likely. Your position is difficult, support her now, support her then (if it goes wrong).

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 27/01/2017 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 27/01/2017 17:09

It does sound like a scam, which is really sad as it sounds like your friend is blissfully unaware, or has doubts, but it's new love and that honeymoon stage.
I would ask her how she feels about getting married. What if they can't do it here and she has to get married in Morocco, does that mean she'll have to move?
Just something as simple as that should get her thinking, as what if he can't get into the UK, how will they cope being apart? Also drop in have you seen where he lives? What's it like?
I would show a keen interest, the more info she gives you, the more you'll either have your suspicions confirmed or not.
I would imagine her family are being vocal about concerns, so she needs someone on her side for if this goes wrong. She won't want to be comforted by those who will go we told you.
So play the interested friend with what I mentioned. Ask if he's the same religion or will she have to convert? Ask if she has plans on meeting the family, which must be exciting. Keep it upbeat and I'm so happy you've found someone to be with.
If you join the other camp, it's likely she's love struck so will sacrifice you for him, then if anything goes wrong she'll feel like a fool, she can't turn to anyone as she ignored their concerns.
I went to Morrocco 15 years ago, maybe it has changed, but I didn't appreciate how they treated women, particularly western ones. Rather than being a holiday, it was an experience I would rather not repeat.
Possibly ask to go out there with her for a short break. See how he acts around you. You can get cheap flights for a long weekend. How he reacts to you will tell you a lot about him.
Either way I don't think you're going to stop this, unless something happens to change her mind. We've all been dizzy in love, it's hard in the honeymoon phase to see the wood from the trees.

Ncbecauseitshard · 27/01/2017 17:09

Former next door neighbor married Egyptian man she met on holiday and he filed for divorce as soon as he could.

Nanna50 · 27/01/2017 17:12

I think the advice I would give is to get some reliable legal advice on money and moving assets, do some research, and that I will always be there for her. The advice I would want to give would be get a grip ffs open your eyes, however she is already ignoring this advice from everyone else. She must be aware of the scams, there are numerous examples, has she got evidence of any similar relationships that have proved successful? I have witnessed 3 of these relationships over the last 15 years or so with people local to my area and they have all been scams. One woman carried on blindly even remortgaging and losing her home as well as her savings.

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/01/2017 17:13

bimbo that is something that has always puzzled me about TAB.
The women sending in their 'Moroccan/Turkish Love Rat' stories are the women who have been reading TAB for years.
They are probably reading the tales of scammed women whilst on the holiday they meet their 'hunky tanned love God'

But still they fall for it.

Sorry about your friend OP. I think you should say something because you will feel guilty if you don't. I doubt she will listen if you has ignored her family. She must have doubts and will have heard of women being conned but she has pushed all those aside.

I hope she comes to her senses before its too late.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 27/01/2017 17:14

total scam.
she is going to get very hurt.

Nanna50 · 27/01/2017 17:15

Oh that just reminded me I worked with a woman who married an Egyptian she met on holiday, they are still together. They are closer in age though and she did live with his family for 2 years in Egypt before they returned to UK.

Nanna50 · 27/01/2017 17:19

And remind her to use a condom...

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2017 17:19

I am not sure i would say something, because I doubt she would listen.

I don't think that's a good enough reason not to say something.

seafoodeatit · 27/01/2017 17:20

You should say something even if it's just for your own conscience, with all the best intentions though I doubt any of it will stick if family and other friends have not gotten through to her.

Fools and their money spring to mind sadly, you can't force someone to see sense.

PastysPrincess · 27/01/2017 17:21

I would definitely say something. A relative of mine got involved in a similar situation. She started working for his business; long story short it turns out she was a mule to move stolen goods about and now has a criminal conviction. The guy is no where to be seen.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 27/01/2017 17:26

OP. I think you need to voice your fears, but you have to be prepared that she won't listen to them.

It does sound like she is being scammed, 30 years older than him and very wealthy? You read stories all the time about older women being chatted up by these young men on holiday, and they only want them for their money and a visa. Some women are daft enough to sell their houses and give their husbands the money due to cultural differences and expectations etc.

I would try not to fall out with her over it, she will need a good friend when it all goes wrong which seems inevitable.

SquinkiesRule · 27/01/2017 17:29

Ask your friend how she would feel if her 28 year old was dating someone in their 50's from another country Someone who wanted to move here?
It's such a scam, does she think her children have lots in common and find people 30 years senior attractive and marriage worthy?
Poor woman her self esteem must be in her boots for her to fall for this.

ToastieRoastie · 27/01/2017 17:30

It's tricky because if you say anything outright then you join the ranks of people who don't understand their love and are against her. That's how he'll be spinning it to her.

Maybe a quiet word saying you know her family are concerned for her, if she has any doubts at any time she should know it's ok to talk to you and act on the and that you support her whatever.

I think these scams carry on because the woman invests so much in them not being scams, that it's really hard to admit to any doubts and easier to turn a kind eye and carry on.

Tikky · 27/01/2017 17:32

Apart from the fact she is likely being scammed it's really creepy of her. I'd think as little of her as I think of the pervy creepy old European/American guys who go and get themselves a 'Mail Order' bride.

It's revolting.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2017 17:41

I agree Tikky

As she's over 30 years older than him, that's grandparent territory.

Bantanddec · 27/01/2017 17:46

It's difficult because you see your friend so happy and you don't want to rain on her parade, but it does sound like the classic visa/money scam. Even if you tell her your fears it's probable she won't believe you.

Serialweightwatcher · 27/01/2017 17:46

If it were my friend I would definitely say something and make sure she was aware of all the possibilities this could present - obviously you don't want to upset her, but wouldn't you want your friend to make sure you'd be okay in the same situation?

TheFilthiestPersonAlive · 27/01/2017 17:47

Oh dear. Yes, I'm afraid you'll have to say something. How can people be so blind? Sad

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/01/2017 17:49

"She has now been over to visit him in Morocco a few times but has never been introduced to his family, who know nothing about her."
He's married.

Yes, tell her of your concerns. She is kidding herself and she must know it at some level.

HollywoodStunt · 27/01/2017 17:53

My exh is Moroccan, it wasn't a scam but as we have a son things are complicated. Ex refuses to call son by his name and then there is the dreaded issue of circumcision.
Since my divorce two years ago I understand some of his brothers have hooked up with European girls. If you look on sites like Interpals you'll see loads of it

Darlink · 27/01/2017 17:53

She is suffering from an advanced case of fanny fever.

You must speak out.

Darlink · 27/01/2017 17:54

My friend works for immigration.

This is a typical scenario.
Please phone them.

RebelRogue · 27/01/2017 17:56

Watch 90 days fiance with her. Even better watch the follow up. Just a girly night in,binge watching crap telly. Hopefully she'll get the point,or it will spark a conversation.

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