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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if a guy wants to 'chill' at your house on the first date he just wants a shag

66 replies

user1485442361 · 27/01/2017 14:52

...and you should delete his number forever,

I've finally caught up with the rest of my generation and started online dating. If a guy suggests coming to mine for a first date then to me, it means he just wants a shag. None of my exs would have wanted to go to a woman house on a first date unless all they wanted was sex and my male friends agree.

So for me, if they want to come to my house on a first date, they get blocked and forgotten about.

I know there may be a 1 in 1 million chance that they don't just want sex but either they're not a gentleman or are really stingy because anyone can afford a coffee in a coffee shop at least.

My friends regularly fail to see this, have guys over to their house and then have the guys try and have sex with them, sometimes it turns dangerous.

Honestly, if he wants to come to your house on the first date (or even next few dates) he's after one thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 15:34

Not unreasonable, the only time this would be remotely understandable is if you're both skint students, but even then it's a push. A first date is not coming to uour house and why would anyone meet someone on line and let them come to their home, it's crazy,

5moreminutes · 27/01/2017 15:36

Its a safety thing isn't it - even if you are just meeting somebody you know through an online "mums" forum or a hobby forum you meet them in a public place the first time to have a better idea whether they are who they say they are etc.

Inviting an absolute and total stranger who you met online into your home where you are alone is generally inadvisable, even if you also just want sex!

I thought everyone old enough to be allowed to use the internet was supposed to have that as a basic piece of knowledge, on the same fundamental level as not leaving your front door wide open when you go out for the whole day, or looking both ways before crossing the road...

5moreminutes · 27/01/2017 15:39

Also if you are both penniless students you can still meet to go for a walk or something!

If somebody says they want to "chill" they hopefully are a student (penniless or otherwise) - anyone over 17 25 who says that should probably have their number blocked just for the vocabulary choice...

GimmeeMoore · 27/01/2017 15:41

I wouldn't bring anyone I didn't know and had just met,(male or female) back to mine
It's usual to test friendships and relationships at a neutral venue when 1st meeting
I don't know if chill necessary mean sex.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 27/01/2017 15:44

Mind and DH first date was at mine. Cooked a meal and watched two or three movies. We didn't have much money but definitley wanted the date. DH didn't expect sex neither!

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 27/01/2017 15:45

The last sentence made it sound like he got sex, what I meant was because he got invited round my house he didn't come in with a bottle of lube in one hand and a condom in the other!

Tootsiepops · 27/01/2017 15:51

That's how I met my husband Grin

Twistmeandturnme · 27/01/2017 15:56

'Netflix and chill' is the current euphemism isn't it? When I was courting it was 'Come round and see my etchings' .

BeyondCanSeeTheEmperorsBellend · 27/01/2017 15:56

I expected sex. Women do that sometimes too Wink

amusedbush · 27/01/2017 16:00

I accidentally slept with DH on the second date. I ended up standing at the bathroom sink shaving my bits at 11pm BlushGrin

MPerspective · 27/01/2017 16:01

Your instinct is absolutely correct.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/01/2017 16:02

YNBU. My house was always out of bounds currently resigned to be single forever to the last bloke I was seeing. He was a real gentlemen. After a few dates we went to his flat and he stopped when it got a bit steamy when I asked him to stop. He set a very high bar and one that very few successors have failed to even meet halfway.

MWM · 27/01/2017 16:04

I haven't dated but I think I would feel the same. Like others have pointed out, it's not exactly safe to invite a complete stranger round to your house to chill.

BeyondCanSeeTheEmperorsBellend · 27/01/2017 16:05

amused - I lasted twenty whole minutes!

dollydaydream114 · 27/01/2017 16:18

If you've only been in contact with someone online, you absolutely shouldn't make your first face-to-face meeting with them at your house (or their house).

Meet them in a pub, a restaurant, a café or another busy public place. If he objects to that, then don't meet him at all.

If you already knew this bloke 'in real life' and he was suggesting coming round to your house, that would be different, but definitely not someone you've only met online or spoken to over the phone.

morningconstitutional2017 · 27/01/2017 16:19

Indeed, and if he's too mean to at least buy you a coffee and a cake he isn't worth bothering with.

Also, if he asks you back to his place afterwards it probably isn't to show you his Airfix model aeroplanes, Wink iyswim.

228agreenend · 27/01/2017 16:29

surely you want to impress the new partner, so 'chilling' whether using the old meaning or new intepretation (which I've just learnt!), isn't very imaginative. What ever happened to romance?!

amusedbush · 27/01/2017 16:30

Beyond

Grin
Lweji · 27/01/2017 16:30

At least if you go to his place, you have the option of leaving (unless he has a sex slave dungeon or something). If he's going to yours, you could have serious trouble getting him to leave, should things go wrong.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2017 16:48

YANBU

Whatever happened to the standard safety advice, to only meet in a public place?

I knew someone who had a few different first dates at her house, with strange men through online dating.

Her reason was she couldn't get a babysitter!! Bloody great, so her kids could have been in possible danger too Angry

Niskayuna · 27/01/2017 16:50

Why are they inviting themselves to yours? Isn't it more gentlemanly to invite you to theirs?

Or are they ashamed of their dirty bachelor pads?

Or do they think their wife wouldn't like it?

Anyway, yeah, it's kinda dating 101, most of them are just out for easy sex. It's why the first date is very casual, then they have to make an effort to see you again. You need to be on your guard. Have high standards.

Purplebluebird · 27/01/2017 16:50

No way would I let a first date happen at my house - ideally I would not want him to even know where I live, in case he's a bit of a creep.

Yanbu

WaitrosePigeon · 27/01/2017 16:50

YANBU but I did meet DH like this Blush

TheNaze73 · 27/01/2017 16:51

When women have asked the same, I've regarded it as lazy & boring. It's not for me

Lovelybangers · 27/01/2017 16:55

YANBU OP

I did plenty of online dating before marrying DH.

In fact our third date was a meet at his house- just to go for a walk one afternoon. I was very wary about going into his house on the third date - he thinks I was crazy to think like that - but he hadn't considered how it could have been construed.