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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU : to never see MIL again

85 replies

TwinkleTwinkle123 · 27/01/2017 01:27

Okay here goes I hate my MIL, just writing that feels better. My MIL is a cruel and devious sociopath. I am stuck in this cycle and I do not know what to do other that never see her again but I feel terrible not letting her GC see her, yet I hate the idea of leaving them with her I honestly fear for them even with my DH there. It has nearly ruined our marriage and we have moved 200 miles to get away but her visit actually make me feel ill. I dread them for weeks before and they usually end in me and DH having a huge fight. After last massive incident DS birth I almost popped a stitch kicking her out of my house. Since then she has been on her best behaviour we moved away when he was 4 weeks old (now 8months) yet I am still scared she will start again and honestly feel scared and isolated about it.

OP posts:
ShoutOutToMyEx · 27/01/2017 01:34

Well you feel how you feel, so YANBU in that sense. What's she actually done to make you feel this way though?

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkle123 · 27/01/2017 01:51

Worst - cruel to my DD because she was happy to see mummy. After she insisted we go a late family do with my4 week old DD she told the whole family some I hadn't even met that I was selfish and would never let anyone hold the baby- she did this more than once saying she insist on breastfeeding it selfish. With two days to go to my wedding she refused to come as it wasn't Catholic enough ( 2 years later she hates Catholicism) after DH comforted and convinced her she came but refused to speak to me all day( actually scouring in the wedding photos) many times she has said cruel thing to me but it came to a head at my DS birth .She after being told months in advance that no visitors would be allowed in hospital after birth gets FIL to phone DH and shout at him for not letting her come ( not before the birth a few hours after). The day we got out we phone to invite her around she said she had other plans that day and the next said she would visit when she could DH is angry at her behaviour she is actually refusing to seeGS out of spite massive fight after a few week she come to visit and actively ignores GS and plays with GD. This she does whenever she visits. I have tried through out the years to build bridge but she does not believe in discussing things

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2017 02:38

I'm not getting that she's a sociopath. Narcissist, yes. She sounds very unpleasant. I wouldn't go no contact and let your husband take the children to see her. I would do reduced contact. I would only do no contact if your dh did too and you don't get to decide this because she is his mother despite all her flaws.

EveOnline2016 · 27/01/2017 02:45

Just so I can get a better picture why did you ban all visitors to the hospital.

LindyHemming · 27/01/2017 02:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpareASquare · 27/01/2017 03:15

Diagnosed sociopath OP? Or Dr Google sociopath?

She sounds dramatic, for sure. I'd leave it with your DH to facilitate any time spent together if that is what you/he decides. I don't think you are under any obligation to be part of any visits.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkle123 · 27/01/2017 05:12

DH doesn't deal with her that is the issue he see what she does gets angry and hurt can't believe how cruel she is after DS birth swore never to let him hurt us or children again. Them boom a few days weeks later it's suddenly not that bad he will admit he just needs her approval and will forgive her ( why the stress in our marriage) I lost it and called him a coward he is just so odd when it comes to her. I haven't forgiven him for DS birth issue his behaviour was appalling he was screaming and shouting ranting and raving telling his mum what he actually truly felt ( not to her mind) he swore he would be fooled again but no four weeks and some how it's would you like to hold the baby ( she said no).
Sociopath was actually how a mental health nurse described her a narcissistic sociopath to be precise.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkle123 · 27/01/2017 05:18

As I had a baby and needed to recover everyone was told as soon as we were released they could come to visit. I struggled the last birth and found visitors too much I just wanted DH and DD I have no regrets about this and she had been told this many many times and never raised any issue till the actual birth.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 27/01/2017 05:36

It's fairly usual to have visitors at the hospital. It seems extreme not to.
You clearly are upset if she shows interest by wanting to come and see you, and upset if she doesn't show the right level of interest in your children.

When you are refusing visitors one day but upset they won't come the next then I think you are a bit precious.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 27/01/2017 05:40

I lost it and called him a coward he is just so odd when it comes to her

Nothing you've said strikes me as "odd" about his behaviour. She sounds very unpleasant but she's his mother and he probably feels very conflicted, hence the swithering back and forward.

KateDaniels2 · 27/01/2017 05:47

I think you all sound as bad as each other to be honest.

Why woukd a mental health nurse discuss your mils diagnosis with you?

You are screaming at dh, he is screaming at her, she is screaming at you both.

I dont get the hospital thing though. You said she couldnt come see the baby and then expected her to drop everything and come immediately when you said it was ok?

Bohemond · 27/01/2017 05:51

It sounds like you are just as much a problem as she is. Poor DH.

Babytalkobsession · 27/01/2017 06:17

Come on! Of course op has the right to not have visitors after the birth!! It's completely normal! And depends on how the birth went, how long in hospital etc.

I don't see why people are giving you a hard time for this. It's such an private moment. We didn't have hospital visitors. Parents and in laws came to the house when we got home.

If you can't bloody refuse visitors hours after giving birth when can you??

Ae sounds like a spiteful bitch Op

emmyhNL · 27/01/2017 06:32

Another one that doesn't see a problem with no visitors in the hospital. I would have liked the same... In fact I would have liked 5 minutes that was just "us" before everyone and their uncle arrived. I didn't have time to even get myself into some sort of order physically or mentally.

The other stuff I can't really comment but I'd let DH do the visiting if it stresses you out.

KateDaniels2 · 27/01/2017 06:41

Come on! Of course op has the right to not have visitors after the birth!!

Of course she does. However her and her dh dont have a right to demand everyone drops everything the minute they say its ok to visit.

Manijo · 27/01/2017 06:49

You sound a bit precious...is this one narcissist calling another narcissist....

CheckpointCharlie2 · 27/01/2017 06:50

YANBU and YANBU not to want visitors after the birth in hospital either.

SpareASquare · 27/01/2017 07:00

Sociopath was actually how a mental health nurse described her a narcissistic sociopath to be precise

Uh-huh Hmm

You both sound like drama llamas.
You don't have to see her. So don't. If your dh wants to spend time with her and the children, leave them to it. Do something enjoyable for yourself whilst they do.

shinynewusername · 27/01/2017 07:04

She sounds difficult, not a sociopath. My own grandmother was similar and a PITA to my DM at times. But I would have hated to have missed out on a relationship with her as a child.

So yes, unless there's some huge back story you haven't told us, YWBVU to go completely NC - not fair on your DH or your DC.

VeritysWatchTower · 27/01/2017 07:11

You need to have this thread moved to relationships rather than AIBU. Report your own thread and asked for it to be moved.

The relationships board is a more understanding place frequented by people who have relationships with difficult MIL/Mothers/Sisters/Brothers etc

And no YANBU, just because someone is a relation does not mean you have to put up being treated this way.

Adnerb95 · 27/01/2017 07:16

It's not for you to dictate to DH about his mother. He has to negotiate this himself and I think you are adding to the drama by creating "sides" and demanding that he is on "your side"

She sounds very unpleasant but I think you are adding fuel to the fire - you would be better to back off and let things lie. And make it clear to DH that you understand his dilemma. After all, how would you feel OP if this was your DM?

JanuaryMoods · 27/01/2017 07:25

YA both being U. You are creating drama when it's not necessary. Let your DH decide for himself what relationship he has with his DM.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 27/01/2017 07:30

Just to clarify - was the mental health nurse dealing with your mil, or basing this on your description of your mil?

SeaEagleFeather · 27/01/2017 07:30

I feel terrible not letting her GC see her, yet I hate the idea of leaving them with her I honestly fear for them even with my DH there

If you moved 200 miles and the reason was to get away from her, and if Sociopath was actually how a mental health nurse described her a narcissistic sociopath to be precise. I'm willing to take the rest of your posts on face value

I feel terrible not letting her GC see her, yet I hate the idea of leaving them with her I honestly fear for them even with my DH there

If you genuinely fear for your childen then you need to stop being polite and start being protective. Destructive adults can wreak a lot of damage. Stop putting politeness or the sense that blood must have a right to the chldren, over their safety. Physical, mental or emotional.

^she is actually refusing to seeGS out of spite massive fight after a few week she come to visit and actively ignores GS and plays with GD. Nasty. If this carries on, your GS will get to perceive that GD is favourite. That is bloody awful for a child's sense of being valued and of self-respect. It can also make them resent the favoured child and sometimes that can last, well, forever (less likely when it's not a parent playing favourites, but even so).

he is just so odd when it comes to her

Get hold of "Toxic In-laws" and / or "Toxic Parents". It might explain a very great deal.

Megatherium · 27/01/2017 07:31

I'm not getting what it is she is supposed to have done at the time of DS' birth that was "cruel"? Was it simply the massive fuss about coming to the hospital followed by failing to take an interest when she did see him?