AIBU : to never see MIL again

[TwinkleTwinkle123]

Okay here goes I hate my MIL, just writing that feels better. My MIL is a cruel and devious sociopath. I am stuck in this cycle and I do not know what to do other that never see her again but I feel terrible not letting her GC see her, yet I hate the idea of leaving them with her I honestly fear for them even with my DH there. It has nearly ruined our marriage and we have moved 200 miles to get away but her visit actually make me feel ill. I dread them for weeks before and they usually end in me and DH having a huge fight. After last massive incident DS birth I almost popped a stitch kicking her out of my house. Since then she has been on her best behaviour we moved away when he was 4 weeks old (now 8months) yet I am still scared she will start again and honestly feel scared and isolated about it.

Yes I initial took it as a joke but after 2 months of the comment it grinded a lot but actually it was DH who was upset he cried when she said she refused to be calling granny or referred to as it. Most of my anger is at her due to her hurting DH and the racism. Yes she has called me a pig told me to shut up called me selfish for breastfeeding ignores my paternal request but she ha hurt DH so much he was badly bullied at school and just let's people walk over him and I don't want our DC to see him like that. He is wonderful and wants to talk having a relationship with her but in her own word " we don't talk about things we bury them it's best and I don't care what you think".

You have married someone who cannot help himself pleasing his DM.

He's got a mother with what sounds like serious mental health problems. Christ only knows what the poor bloke's childhood was like.

He sounds like someone having a hard time trying to cope with a mother with MH issues and balance that with his nuclear family whilst at the same time coping with issues growing up with her as a parent will have left him with (i.e. being desperate for approval).

I don't think it's really fair to blame this very difficult situation on him and paint him as pandering to her. It really doesn't sound easy for him either and I think it's desperately sad he says he feels more love from his in laws than he ever has from them.

She sounds a pita but not letting others hold your baby , banning people from visiting him in hospital and not sounds odd sorry but it seems a bit precious, as pp poster put it sounds like one narcissist calling another a narcissist

I think you need to mentally distance yourself from her and just concentrate on what is best for you and your children. Some people just repeat the phrase "I'm too young to be a granny" as they have nothing else to say. Don't let it bother you. If you think she is looking for a reaction, don't give her one. My father also did the "don't call me grandad" bit, we just ignored him. He loves it now. People are only toxic if you let them.

My mil sounds similar to this one. A lot of bother, but not cruel I would say. When dd was being born fil constantly rang the delivery ward because mil was "bored" looking after ds and wanted to go home so could dh return home now please. This resulted in a mahoosive row between dh and his parents. Mil tried to arrive after me at my wedding - I had to lurk round a corner in the churchyard. Thousands of other incidents...

Sometimes my blood pressure must have been 500 over 500 buttoning my lip, but I did it. She was a difficult, rude, completely narcissistic woman but blow-up family rows were not good for my marriage nor my dcs, so I think low contact and studied politeness are the way to go. And, however much your dh supports you, it is still his dm. My dm was generally fine, but if my dh ever voiced the tiniest criticism my hackles were vertical.

Twinkle I'm so sorry but I'm really struggling to read & understand your posts?

Tata PLEASE share the story about how she let you think your husband was dead?! Only reason is that my daughter's grandmother did similar with my ex! Let him think his own Dad was dead! X

Just to clarify I never refused to let people hold baby she accused me of this as I choose to breastfeed and would not let her bully me in to bottle feeding it's what she and did and is what's best.

I agree that you can have no visitors at the hospital. Why should you of you don't want them?

I haven't spoken to my Ils for about 6 years. I've been with DH for 18.

They were just awful to me when he was out of the way, they had a go at me when I was pg and denied it to my DH, a catalogue of constant shit. So when DD3 was 4 I said no more.

However they are not awful GPs to my children and so my DH takes the DCs to see them or they come here and I go away. My DCs are older than yours and so can, and will, report back.

Until you can trust your DH to put your DCs first I would say no contact at all. He's an adult and so he can decide what he does about his parents, but your DCs are relying on you to protect them.

And the hospital thing... again.

The OP knew the MIL would be a bitch if she came, so she'd rather have space away from her post birth. I did this too. It's reasonable.

Op personally I think birth is pretty traumatic - scary thing for any woman to have to go through.

I would question the motives of anyone who doesn't feel that a woman heavily pregnant, then in labour then with a new born doesn't come first We all know now how common post natal depression is, I personally had a huge crash after DD was born.

The only mils who have caused any issues at all after the birth of a grandchild and in anyway have drawn attention, are the selfish ones in my experience.

I would sincerly hope to be at the hospital with my dd's when they have dc ( if they are lucky enough to be able too) but if they said they didnt want me there - no matter how much that would hurt me, I would accept their wishes and not punish them after, but perhaps have some self reflection on why.

Great advice from Billsykes there. Good luck op, also relate may help....hearing about this from outsider may help your DH too. Believe me they have heard this scenario a million times!

They were just awful to me when he was out of the way, they had a go at me when I was pg and denied it to my DH, a catalogue of constant shit

Interesting I had exactly the same thing from mine to you, awful isnt it.

Everyone has the right to say no visitors at the hospital. I dreaded the thought of having partners family there while I was recovering from csec, constipated and with my tits out trying to breastfeed. I'm sorry but those trying to make OP feel bad about that need to realize not everyone is as together after giving birth as them!

Can you step out from the situation slightly and not be so emotionally involved? Your mil sounds difficult and your DH has conflicted feelings about her. I think he needs your support because continued confrontations will make his life more difficult both now and after she has gone. Your DH probably wants to find a calm way of dealing with her without flip flopping between shouting at her and then embracing her. Right now your involvement appears to make it worse as you appear to want him to chose between her and you. That's horrible for him.

Likewise your DCs will benefit from (careful) contact with her and will probably suffer if they do not have a relationship with her. Is she ignoring your DS because she feels miffed that she couldn't see him after the birth? It sounds like it. Could it be because he is still young, BFing, not so easy to play with? Maybe you have to give it time. Try to encourage the relationship. Dress him in an I Love Granny baby grow or something like that and see what happens.

Because you live 200 miles away, you can control access much more easily. Don't kow tow to her unreasonable demands, do it on your own terms. You can proactively go there for visits and if things become difficult you can leave. You can just shepherd the kids out of the house for a walk to the local park or something and let your DH calm things down. Or get into the car and leave if calming down is not possible.

Your mil seems to feel she had a right to pass judgement on how you bring up the kids which is obviously wrong. I can understand why this irritates you but try not to let it get to you or start a row. Can you find non confrontational ways of doing this. If she starts talking about bottle feeding just smile and say nothing. Leave the room, read a book to your DD, change your DS's nappy, go off and play with the children. Attending to young children is a perfect way of avoiding mean criticising adults!

Finally, stay out of the arguments. Let her be the one who causes trouble rather than you and it will probably get easier. Fortunately she is not on your doorstep, so her interference can be limited.

Good luck.

Is she ignoring your DS because she feels miffed that she couldn't see him after the birth? It sounds like it. Could it be because he is still young, BFing, not so easy to play with?

So, thats OK is it?

Why are you calling her granny if she doesn't want that? Some people choose their own name or prefer their First name.

You don't like her, you don't get on with her, I get that, but you seem very unsure whether you are upset because she shows too much or too little interest.

Thing is, it's your DHs baby too, and he might want the option of seeing his parents as a family as you do. Making life difficult saying he can take them to see them, is difficult because they are a long way away. It's a bit like giving someone a none choice.

When you marry someone I think you do have to accept their family to a degree, unless they are not keen on seeing them too.

I am always flabbergasted by the comments which recommend a person puts up with someone, usually Mil being a prized bitch.

People (not you MrsXX, further up) are getting the hospital visit thing wrong. Wanting to come and visit your DIL in hospital after she's given birth = normal. Feeling slightly put out when she asks you not to visit = normal. Getting your husband to phone up your son and shout at him about this, a few hours after the birth = fucking nutter.

I get it OP. I have a mother like your MIL. Malignant narcissist, but she'll never get a diagnosis because as far as she's concerned she's perfect, it's the rest of us that keep failing her expectations. The trouble with your DH is that he grew up in that, so on some level he sees it as normal/keeps expecting his relationship with his mother to resemble a normal loving mother-son relationship. It's very hard to explain. But you sort of push certain memories to the back of your mind. You don't give the episodes of abuse the prominence in your memory that you really should. It's some kind of dissociation. And you keep going back for more.

Your DH might be interested in the book If You Had Controlling Parents and the Out of the Fog website which might resonate with him. You might also want to have a look at the Stately Homes thread where you will find lots of people dealing with similar issues.

If she's a narcissistic sociopath (and there's nothing that you've written that makes me doubt she could be) and you don't feel comfortable leaving your kids with her, don't. Think also about whether you're comfortable letting DH take them to see her, when you know that DH tends to collapse and people-please when he's around her. It sounds like she has her little golden child and scapegoat picked out already and if she is a narcissistic sociopath (I keep having to proviso that because people will jump on me with "you can't diagnose the woman over the internet" yeah blah blah blah whatever, you know one when you see one) then she'll mess with their heads, spoil one while ignoring the other, try to get them to say they love her more than you, stuff like that. It's your responsbility as a parent to protect them from people like that, don't feel that because she's a relative you can't do that, because you can and you should.

Don't forget, when your mil was bringing up her children, the culture was very much bottle is best for baby, the idea being it was good to get dads involved to share. So now things have changed it goes contrary to all the advice that was promoted.

It's hard to let go of things you were taught.

toomuchtooold

BornFreeButinEUchains

Much of what OP has described as her MIL's behaviour is unacceptable and upsetting. OP could decide to go NC and never see her PILs. But that might well end up in her arguing with her DH and him taking his kids 200 miles away to see his family on his own (since OP can't stop him) and because he's on his own and its a long drive the DCs will end up spending the night with MIL. For me, if I was OP, that would be my worst case scenario. I'd do anything to avoid a situation leading to that, including ignoring / avoiding difficult behaviour if I had to.

I get MissMrsMsXX everyone saying things like 'you don't have to put up with your prized bitch MIL' and of course OP can walk away, but she risks loses control of the situation if she does... especially when her children get older and can stay or even choose to stay with MIL themselves.

True soeverybody But I also think people down play how children are, if someone isnt very nice their GC may not warm to them either.

I honestly don't mean to be at all rude here, OP, but is English your second language? Your posts are a little bit hard to follow and I'm wondering if you might have taken your MIL's comments about 'being too young to be a gran' in a very different way to the way they were meant.

I don't understand why your DH cried when she didn't want to be called granny, either. Loads of grandmothers don't like being called 'granny' - for some people 'granny' or 'grandma' are 'old people' names and they prefer to be known as something else.

Who, exactly, is this mental health nurse who says your MIL is a narcissistic sociopath? Is your MIL being treated for a mental health condition? Or have you just ranted about your MIL to someone who happens to work in mental health?

Thank you all for the great advice I am delighted for the support reassurance and tips. Think it may be very hard for me to sit politely and ignore comments (DCs shouldn't have to hear these) so I will upon the next visit leave them with DH.
For those who think me just as bad maybe I am but when someone hurts the one you love it is hard to sit back.
Those who think no visitors is cruel when did you last go to a post op maternity unit? four women in a small space all on drugs in different levels of undress from breast feeding to full niqab, how is saying no I need time to heal and be with my DC cruel or unusual. Isn't barging in on a women in her most vulnerable state while she tries to bond with her child just as cruel? 24 hours isn't long to wait compared to 9 months.

Can't believe all these people saying its 'precious' not to want visitors at the hospital. Are you KIDDING? In an ideal world, I'd want at least the first week to be just me, baby and OH, to give me a chance to heal and find my feet with baby and the three of us to focus on each other as a new family. Sadly not possible due to MIL's work commitments (she lives far away and if she can't come pretty much straight away to stay ,she won't see baby until she's a month old or more, so is coming a few days later to say for a couple of nights). But I sure as HELL won't want anyone else to come to the hospital and see me, especially if the labour has gone badly enough that they need to keep me in for a day or so. Is that so strange???

As for the rest, OP sadly we inherit relatives with our loved ones - some are great, some not so much. The important thing to remember is that however hard you find his mother's bitch ways, your OH will hurt worse, and he doesn't even have the release of straightforwardly hating her - she's his mum. Try and give him what he needs to cope with the relationship (as much as you can while protecting your children). Chances are he will never be able to just turn his back on her; so if you love him and want to help him, try and eliminate any sense of him having to choose between you. I think your idea to take yourself out of situations where you have to spend time with her is by far the best idea - given she's so faraway, she shouldn't ever end up having unsupervised contact with your kids, so visits to granny will probably just be an annoying occasional pain to them they can ditch as they grow older. Courage!