Should I be raging now? Or wait till I speak to the teacher?

[HalfwayToFifty]

4yo DS goes to preschool Tuesdays and Thursdays. He takes packed lunch of ham sandwich, brioche, 2 small yogurts, satsuma and grapes. He usually eats the lot. If he leaves anything it's the satsuma. Today all that had gone was his sandwich. He said 'xxxxx told me I had to put it away' I asked if he was still hungry to which he replied 'yes' I think I should hear the other side but I just feel angry he wasn't allowed to finish his lunch! He's had an issue with being frightened to ask for the toilet whilst there which appeared to be resolved. Today I went to get him dressed after school and he was soaked. A 30 minute walk home in this weather, soaked. He's also a nervous nail biter and has been doing this this evening.
He was on the verge of tears all the way home but didn't want to tell me why. Should I be angry without speaking to the teacher first? I hate to see him the way he was today!

I'd have thought he was upset because he'd wet himself and didn't want to talk about it because he was embarrassed.
Much more likely he'd done it just before he left too.

Ds usually eats everything. He's 9yo. Sometimes he comes home not having eaten much. It sometimes means he's coming down with something, sometimes it's because he and his friends have planned a game he can't wait to get out, on one occasion someone was sick next to him and it put him off...

The most likely thing from his tale about it is that he'd not been eating much, and the teacher said he had to finish the sandwiches. When he'd done that they said "okay, put the rest away".
Much more likely than maliciously starving him-no teacher wants to deal with a hungry child.
And forcing them to eat everything just to keep parents happy is bad. Always put me into panic the thought of being told to finish what I had and made me retch, and want to eat even less.

I am arguing with myself. I feel upset for him. But in my head know I need to ask first. I can't just say to my son I don't believe you. I asked a few questions. I will see what the situation was.
I don't feel it's the slightest thing. I have to take my sons word for it until I have answers. He's my son so of course I get upset if he's upset/spent the afternoon hungry/a number of other things that could happen on a daily basis. I was him once, shy, embarrassed easily, bit of a loner and I'd hate for people to pick on his weaknesses when hes older like they did me. It still affects me now. I want to help him build his confidence ect now

Op if you look at my original reply I'm very much on your side. I'd speak to them I just didn't understand how you'd rage at lovely people. Just talk to them tomorrow and ask that they suggest toilet visits to him so he's dry. As for food if its first time it's happened I'd see if it happens again- he might just have been messing about! My ds 3 is a pain at lunch ( don't know why little piggy) but they have a hour and 10 min window to eat so quite luck.

For all you know he could have had a lovely day and just wet himself as he was about to leave. He won't be the first one it's happened to. I really think you could be reading far too much into this.

Thank you all for your replies though. They have all helped. It is silly to be raging when I don't know everything but I still feel a little upset. Maybe this has just pushed me from thinking he's just a shy kid to worrying about it in the bigger picture if that makes sense? All the little thing that I'm thinking of as I'm writing about this. Maybe it's me being overly whatever the word should be. Maybe coming from my own experiences? It seemed to start off as a thread about his lunch and now the more I'm thinking/writing... oh ignore me I don't know what I'm trying to say. I guess Im just a worrier. My doctor did diagnose anxiety / irrational thoughts.

Also you say he normally eats the lot, how do you know that for sure? Some days he could throw it away, or give it to friends. I also thing the word rage is a bit over the top. Concerned maybe, no need for rage?

I don't think he IS necessarily wrong -or intentionally wrong anyway -he is only 4. He will see situations differently or misunderstand. He may think he is being "told off" when teachers are trying to help him, he may think he wasn't allowed his lunch as he was naughty or the teachers were mean when it was that time has run out. I used to help at pre often and children would tell parents about completely fictitious events and situations or embellish things. I remember a match was once used to light a birthday candle and the teacher dropped it onto the kitchen counter after her finger getting too near the flame -she said ouch. A little girl was telling her mum we had a fire and the teacher was burned up!

You have all helped me rationalise those irrational thoughts and I'm feeling much happier. I'm going to try work on his confidence with him (I have none myself so I don't know how) I think I needed you all to make me see sense. There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for today. Thanks.

You are 'raging' over your child not finishing his lunch. You seem to think its the preschool's fault, without asking any questions at all. You have a child who lacks confidence.

Do you really not see the links in these issues? All us parents have that voice that wants to protect our kids at all cost, but if we listen to it we raise a child who is brittle and dependent. Building real confidence in a child means teaching personal responsibility and independent skills. That involves some pushing, and allowing them to fail.

I'd still speak to the nursery , there may be an issue; but you have no strong reason to assume there is one. I would worry that he is picking up on your anxieties.

Good luck op. This sort of thing is much more common than you'd think. I hope the teacher is helpful.

Not the same situation but my niece is only allowed to use one brand of pull ups as every other one she is allergic too. My sister puts 6 pullups in her bag, shes only there 2 and a half hours. Every time we look in her bag, all 6 pullups are there and she is always soaked when she comes home. We decided either they werent changing her when she was evidently soaked through or they were using nappies she wasnt allowed. We found out it was the latter when my niece had a bad allergic reaction, the nursery teachers denied knowing they knew she had an allergy even though they have a medical letter in her file and its written on the toilet door all the children that needed help with the toilet or special creams etc. My niece is written on it about her only being allowed this one certain nappy. I genuinely think some nursery teachers just dont care

Should have finished reading the thread before posting :-) I notice that others have said similar and you have come to a similar conclusion. Just wanted to add that its very normal to worry this way (at least I hope it is) and far better than being a parent who doesn't care.

TBH op and I mean this as gently as possible but I do wonder whether you're making more of this than you need to. Do you think your ds is picking up on your anxieties?

By all means speak to his key worker, but don't go in all guns blazing. It's entirely possible that he was told to put it away because he'd faffed about and run out of time. It's also possible that he just didn't eat much because he didn't fancy it at lunchtime, and told you something completely random when you asked about it. I have a nearly 4yo, some days he eats every scrap of his packed lunch, other times it's barely a mouthful. It would never occur to me to quiz him about it.

Talk to them, yes. But don't go 'raging' because of something your 4yo said until you've had the chance to find out the other side of the story.

One of my biggest issues is leaving the house without another adult. I have no choice on the school run. Maybe this anxiety transfers to him? I've obviously never said anything but perhaps he can sense it? Therefore, if I'm stressed about the school run he's stressed about school? I'm just thinking out loud now but you guys do help.

You're not saying you don't believe him. But you're only getting his perspective. As the saying goes: There are three views to any situation: my view, his view and the right view.

My dd2 told me that one of the preschool teachers hit her and told her off. Was totally true from her perspective.
The actual situation was she was running in the corridor (which they're not allowed to) and the teacher in question was packing things away and she ran straight into the teacher's arm (who was facing the other way at that point) Teacher told her that she shouldn't be running in the corridor.

From what you've said he could have easily told the teacher he didn't want any more and she told him to put the rest away. He hasn't said she said to him that he couldn't eat more, or she took it off him.

You're not saying you don't believe him at any point. You sympathise with him, say, "oh dear. What would you like to eat now?" and this reduces it down in his mind so he doesn't worry about it.
If you start asking "what really happened? Was the teacher cross? Why haven't you eaten it?" he's going to realise you are worried and that will worry him more. He may then feel he can't leave any of his packed lunch, and get upset about eating because of that, and worry about whether the teacher is cross (although it hadn't occurred to him before that they might be).

Then go quietly into school and say to the teacher without him there. "He didn't eat any of his lunch except his sandwich, he says you were there, was there a problem?"

I'd be raging and fuming but I'd try to calm down and be open to any explanation. As I'm sure you will be OP.
Sometimes young children misunderstand and sometimes sensitive children pick up cues that aren't intended for them.
Speak to the school: tell them the situation as it appeared to you and listen to their interpretation of it. Then see how you can deal with it.
Your son will tell you how he feels when he has worked it out for himself. You'll hear it in dribs and drabs. Be patient.

Maybe he didn't wet himself until you had already started walking home. Sometimes the cold air makes you feel like you need a wee.

OP are you getting help for your anxiety and confidence issues. I think it would really help you and maybe give you some strategies for him too.

I think I worried because it was the first time he's left so much, I was surprised when I opened the lunchbox. He didn't eat much breakfast either so worried about him being hungry most of the day. It could just be as simple as he's coming down with something. I think I will just say 'I noticed he didn't eat much lunch Thursday, was everything OK?' Maybe ask about some confidence building and mention the toilet situation again. See how well you have all done? I'm seeing it totally different now. I've re read all replies. I don't have any mummy friends so it's been helpful to get the thought down and have people look at it from another view.

i think your projecting your anxiety yes-not on purpose but they do sense these things

try and be more upbeat about it all even if u dont feel like it

Wolfie I was given audios to listen to and told to go back if no help. It didn't help and I've not been back. I see now that I need to for him and his baby sister.

Op how can you be cross that they didn't notice your child was wet
When you yourself didn't notice either till you got home. Im
Sure if I was cold and wet I'd be upset too.
That said I have an unconfident child and I really have to work on his confident, getting him to do things for him self. He now goes to clubs to try and increase his condtthat he can do things on his own. He's 4 as well, he's not particularly a talker so I really have to encourage him to tell me things

Also if it helps he has been using the big toilet from the age of 2 so I'm thinking 2 years down the line he should be confident in using the toilet himself and not having accidents? Or am I over thinking again because it not the actual going to the toilet it's the asking to go to the toilet? He goes whenever he needs at home without even having to say.

I understand the fear, OP. I was badly bullied at school too and I was terrified of sending DD there - it feels like sending them into the lion's den!

She's a lot like me and I worried a lot when she was in preschool and Reception. But now she's 6 and got into the social swing of things, I can see a lot of my fears were unfounded - she's like me but she's not me, and her school isn't my school. It's not inevitable. Plus I take comfort from the fact that if she ever does get bullied, I'm ideally placed to spot it and help her.

But for parents like you and me, every bad day and little problem our kids encounter can carry the weight in our minds of all the misery we experienced in our entire school careers. No wonder we want to protect our little DC. We just have to try and keep a level head about it, I think.

stella23 I was cross at the lunch (not anymore) not at the fact they didn't notice he was wet (apologies if it came across that I was cross with them for this). I was upset with myself. I was saying about it because I was wondering if there may be a bigger issue, eg, hes feeling left out from play or something and it's an emotional thing.