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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be raging now? Or wait till I speak to the teacher?

86 replies

HalfwayToFifty · 26/01/2017 20:33

4yo DS goes to preschool Tuesdays and Thursdays. He takes packed lunch of ham sandwich, brioche, 2 small yogurts, satsuma and grapes. He usually eats the lot. If he leaves anything it's the satsuma. Today all that had gone was his sandwich. He said 'xxxxx told me I had to put it away' I asked if he was still hungry to which he replied 'yes' I think I should hear the other side but I just feel angry he wasn't allowed to finish his lunch! He's had an issue with being frightened to ask for the toilet whilst there which appeared to be resolved. Today I went to get him dressed after school and he was soaked. A 30 minute walk home in this weather, soaked. He's also a nervous nail biter and has been doing this this evening.
He was on the verge of tears all the way home but didn't want to tell me why. Should I be angry without speaking to the teacher first? I hate to see him the way he was today!

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 26/01/2017 20:55

Don't beat yourself up about it! It happens! Try to not worry about it until tomorrow Flowers

Fairenuff · 26/01/2017 20:55

I can understand why he didn't tell staff he was wet but why didn't he tell you?

Flugelpip · 26/01/2017 20:59

I'm sure you're very worried but maybe your DS is picking up on that since you're anxious about your own school experiences. Try lots of reassurance and happy talk about school (try to remember something nice about yours!). I sometimes ask 'do you remember what happened before [incident]' as that can get them talking a bit more than direct questions. They sometimes think they'll get in trouble even if something wasn't their fault so just be very casual but keep bringing the conversation back to it until you get some more details. He's very young, though, and at that age, tiny things can feel very serious.

MrsBosh · 26/01/2017 20:59

YABU. You don't know what happened. Speak to them and get their side. Raging won't get you anywhere apart from getting the staff's backs up when there may be a legitimate explanation.
Hope he is OK. The thought of them in wet clothes isn't nice. Perhaps also ask them to remind him to go to the loo regularly.

Original poster
HalfwayToFifty · 26/01/2017 21:00

I don't know why he doesn't say. There are certain family members that put pressure on him about and I think that makes it worse. He is an emotional boy. I prefer the discreet don't make a big deal of it approach myself. I have actually spoken to them about their approach this evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
HalfwayToFifty · 26/01/2017 21:01

Thankyou all. I feel better about the situation after seeing others views.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/01/2017 21:06

He's 4. I would be very worried about this...

He couldn't really say Purple he doesn't understand what we are asking when we say why? He gets his w questions mixed up

What are you & the pre school doing about it?

scortja · 26/01/2017 21:08

OP have you read up on 'highly sensitive children'? There are some good books with tips on how to help them thrive ..

Original poster
HalfwayToFifty · 26/01/2017 21:11

I've tried to explain e.g if he's replied to a why question with who I try to tell him not the person but how come this happened if that makes sense. Like rewording the question. I'm not sure how else to go about it. I don't think they are doing that sort of learning yet it seems to be just seasonal topics (painting dragons for Chinese new year at the moment)

OP posts:
Original poster
HalfwayToFifty · 26/01/2017 21:11

scortja I will take a look thankyou

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 26/01/2017 21:11

I wouldn't be raging tbh. I would have asked fr spares from the nursery and got him changed and dried before the walk home and would maybe ask if he'd been doing a lot of chatting and advise him to eat his lunch a bit quicker next time.

user1471549018 · 26/01/2017 21:14

He sounds similar to DD. She is 5 in reception, and was also too scared to ask to go to the toilet so would just wet herself. She'd be too embarrassed to tell me though. Thankfully the teacher now reminds her to go every day and it's no longer an issue. Pretty common problem for this age group though.

She will also sometimes misunderstand what is being asked of her by the teachers and I can imagine her saying exactly the same thing about lunch. When the reality is always totally innocent.

m0therofdragons · 26/01/2017 21:15

Dd is 8 and only ate half a sandwich on Monday because a dc was making her laugh so much she ran out of time. If it happened every day then there would be more of an issue.
I would be concerned that a shy anxious dc isn't being nurtured and consider changing pre school. Dc should love pre school at this age.

bumsexatthebingo · 26/01/2017 21:16

Just seen you said he didn't realise he was wet. I'd just remind him to tell you if he's wet so you can get him dry comfy for the walk home. And check if he makes a habit of not saying. It's been freezing today - I think I would have cried if I had to walk for 30 mins in wet trousers.

lifetothefull · 26/01/2017 21:17

Do you know that he normally eats it? He may normally throw it in the bin.

TheWitTank · 26/01/2017 21:18

I would ask for an action plan to be put in place considering his level of anxiety and stress. He needs to be encouraged or prompted to visit the bathroom every hour and given opportunities to develop his social skills and work on his confidence.

Original poster
HalfwayToFifty · 26/01/2017 21:18

He always seems excited to go to preschool. There was only once I had an issue with him not wanting to go and that was when I found out about the face pulling. He just seems to get into the swing of things then it's time to break up again.

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Original poster
HalfwayToFifty · 26/01/2017 21:21

bumsex he was on the verge of tears on the way home Sad we had to keep stopping for a cuddle and me asking what was upsetting him.
I have anxiety, maybe I need to kick my own arse and he will become less anxious.

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Chelazla · 26/01/2017 21:26

Op my dd attended two preschools one, they were all lovely the the other, pre school key worker was an ice queen, I hated her and didn't even send ds there because she was such a cow. She constantly put dd down to me, called her names and fobbed her off in front on me. Completely at odds with other pre school and her school now. But dd loved her. My point is trust your gut. Kids can't alway see or articulate what's happening. Best thing I did not sending ds. And I love her teachers now so I'm not just fussy!

Chelazla · 26/01/2017 21:28

Also if I had a child in my class I knew was to shy to ask for the toilet I would remind him/ ask him to go more frequently-just common sense.

lljkk · 26/01/2017 21:29

They need to learn to finish their lunch within an hour.
I know some struggle (I worked as dinner lady!) but still, it's a skill they need to get. Some pressure isn't unreasonable when he had already eaten most his lunch.

That's a lot more food than mine ate even in yr6, btw.

I won't comment on rest, too vague for me to follow.

Original poster
HalfwayToFifty · 26/01/2017 21:31

All teachers seem lovely. They make the effort to come and discuss anything that needs discussing before the children are let out. I have mentioned the toilet situation a few times though and seem to get fobbed off. Dh is on the school run on his day off next week. He's a bit more assertive than me. I'm a people pleaser. Yes Miss, ok miss. That needs to change. Gosh halfway, grow some backbone!

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 26/01/2017 21:34

Surely he was upset because he'd wet himself? Not sure if I'm missing some thing here? Are you thinking he's been wet all day? You said it was a thirty minutes walk home, couldn't he have done it just before he left school or on the way home? And why would you be raging? There could be all sorts of reasons why he didn't finish his lunch, he could have been messing about and not finished when it was the end if lunch, or as someone else said, a child could have been sick or something. Lunchtime might be an hour, but surely half of that would be outside play? It annoys me when people say they are raging at the slightest thing.

Chelazla · 26/01/2017 21:34

We'll why do you think you should be raging? You're arguing with yourself!!!Confused

Gymnopedies · 26/01/2017 21:39

Could he have been on the verge of tears on the walk because he was uncomfortable from the wet trousers but couldn't really tell why he was uncomfortable?