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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not bother with these 'friends anymore'? Found nasty whatsapp group about me

109 replies

user1485442361 · 26/01/2017 16:42

I've moved to an area far away from my friends and family. I am looking for work nearer my family but in my field it's far and few between |(social worker and my parents live in a rural affulent area).

My Son's Grandmother has always been nice to my face. We've never met up socially but I do visit her house and she invites me to family events. Same with his Aunty.

Today they added me to a Facebook group on messenger. They're not very I.T literate so obviously didn't realise that deleting the group chat history wouldn't delete it from my phone once they added me.

As such I got to see 15 months worth of bitchy comments about me. From 'She's not that pretty' to taking pictures of my outfits and sending it to each other critiquing it.

When I got my Masters they messaged each other criticising me. They're both support workers who wanted to become Social Workers so it's obvious they were jealous of my achievement. In fact, their conversations scream jealousy and almost obsessive hatred. They've spent a considerable amount of time criticising me on the group.

I've heard the most ridiculous criticisms all of which are opinions based on the stupidest of evidence and some downright nasty comments. Along with the idea that I'm using my ex when I want to and taking advantage of him (because asked for child maintenance and applied for it once he refused). And how my Son would be better with his Dad and hates living with me (nonsense). I'm not even sure they truly believe these things. They just want to believe them.

So armed with this awful evidence, would I be unreasonable to not go to any more events I'm invited to and not chat to them except to discuss my Son? A part of me always suspected they didn't like me after I left my Ex but they were nice to my face so I thought I was being silly.

I've not said what I've seen yet but will do. Just choosing the best way to say it.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 26/01/2017 18:25

Good grief! How awful. I think you are handling this so well - treating like a weird kind of compliment. They are clearly horrid and very jealous of you.

I am sure a dignified silence would be best but I just couldn't let it lie! I would print it off and keep a copy (just in case they try to twist it to other family members eg your ex) and then I would message them both: "Thanks for adding me to the facebook group. Unfortunately I have been able to read your conversations going back over the last 15 months and have been greatly saddened by the things I have read. In future, please contact (ex's name) and not me if you would like to ask after ds or see him.

Witches.

CoraPirbright · 26/01/2017 18:26

Oh, don't put Witches at the bottom!! That was just my comment on them!!

seabreezewavingtrees · 26/01/2017 18:27

Yanbu. I would have to respond to it all in the group. Thanks for adding me to this group chat about me...very disturbing reading... and then address the worst things. They ought to be embarrassed and ashamed. How two - faced, mean and jealous. I'm in a few group chats and we just use them to make meet up plans. It sounds as though these people don't like you, I wouldn't waste too much more time on them, or with them

ChasedByBees · 26/01/2017 18:29

I would be dignified OP - even though they dislike you, you will need to have some form of relationship with them in future. You don't have to go out of your way to see them though.

randomer · 26/01/2017 18:30

this whole group chat thing plays right into the hands of nasty bitches.

Best avoided

ETanny · 26/01/2017 18:31

I would be part tempted to quote bits of what they said about me to them when talking to them to see if they cotton on.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/01/2017 18:31

Is there any possibility that they knew full well you would see their conversations, and wanted you to?

SuperFlyHigh · 26/01/2017 18:31

Be prepared for them to deny (despite the fact it's written down!) and "it wasn't me she made me do it".

ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 26/01/2017 18:32

I once got emailed a document at work that was copying and
pasting a selection of emails (about 300!) on a difficult student. It ,unnoticed by the sender, included evidence of all the blind copied emails sent to or about me or of my emails being forwarded as evidence of my 'incompetence' and several unpleasant emails by staff members about my capacity to deal with the student. It was obvious virtually every member of staff in the school had been told to forward on all emails by, to, or about me Ouch! When I went to two of them to point this out, they couldn't see the problem.... stupid is as stupid does!

SuperFlyHigh · 26/01/2017 18:33

arethere I had this actually with an ex coworker - when our PCs were down due to a virus she knew I could log onto her pc and see stuff, once she left her yahoo emails open... Yet denied doing that etc... I'm certain it was left for me to see or she was really dumb re IT (she was actually but could use an iPhone, FB etc).

Ilovecaindingle · 26/01/2017 18:35

They sound like they have added you to a witches coven!! Def tell them you know their most inner thoughts as you too are a witch - and you are making them disappear from your life. And ds's too if it were me. .
And Mrscaindingle I make no apologies for loving your dh!!

Dinnerout1 · 26/01/2017 18:37

I'm not being funny but why are you asking for advice about some jealous little nobody's? You already know what you should do. I wouldn't give those type of people a thought and delete and block etc and never speak to them again and thank my lucky stars that I saw what they were really like. X

chocolateworshipper · 26/01/2017 18:42

I love that fact that you said it has given you a confidence boost.

I once found stuff that had been written about me by family members. It gave me a confidence boost because up until then I thought that I was imagining that there were problems, but with this evidence I knew that I was smart enough to figure out who I couldn't trust.

EvieSparkles0x · 26/01/2017 18:47

Wow what a horrible situation they've put you in. And while I agree with a previous poster about saying things you wouldn't want someone to hear and it not being your complete opinion of them, the level of malice and ill will must be pretty high to sustain a 15 month bitch fest about one person. Either that or they are an incredibly sad pair of women. Probably both.

Life confronts us awkward social situations and a lot of the time they will be filled with regret, wishing you'd have said this or that, been more confident, whatever. You are in a position where you have complete power over your reaction and how you deal with this, given that they are unaware you know about their appaling behaviour. I would really take time to digest this, place it in the wider context of them being your only support network, process exactly how it's made you feel about yourself, towards them and in regards to them being around your DC.

If you're anything like me if this had happened face to face and I'd overheard them talking about me instead, I'd have not been able to react how I'd ideally like to and a lot would have gone unsaid.

If I were you, I would forget posting them the messages and then disappearing, you sound confident enough to address it head on. I would send them both a dignified email or message saying that you have seen all the messages, you are shocked and appalled by their bitter running commentary of your life, and you feel it's best for both you and your son if you do not associate with anyone who is willing to go to these lengths to belittle and insult you, whether they are family or not. (or something to that effect).

Whether you go NC or not is entirely up to you, but personally I think they deserve the shame and humiliation of knowing that you know, and of you reacting in a way that is likely far beyond their capability, had the tables been turned. All the best OP, I really feel for you Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2017 18:58

They sound awful, but it is good you found out. After all, you had your suspicious, this means your external bullshit radar is working well.

I'd say do whatever you like.

FruitCider · 26/01/2017 19:27

Wow - that's a great idea - because airing your dirty laundry on Facebook is such a non-twatty thing to do... 

Except it's not the ops dirty laundry.

BumWad · 26/01/2017 19:33

Have you mentioned them before?

Another tress comes to mind where two people were acting like social workers and doing social worker jobs but were actually support workers!

Other than that nasty fuckers indeed!

glitterazi · 26/01/2017 19:35

God, don't publicly post it on FB! That won't make you look like a raging loon at all, oh no... Hmm
Although I love it when other people do that as nosey sods like myself break out the virtual popcorn and sit back..... Grin
Definitely just a "do you realise I can see all the past conversation on here? Just letting you know... " so they can squirm and cringe when they realise.
Then leave it. (Save the messages though)

lokisglowstickofdestiny1 · 26/01/2017 19:37

Fuck 'em. Let them know you have seen the conversations and then cut them out of your life.

PosyBoo · 26/01/2017 20:02

How horrid for you! And how bloody sad that two grown women are acting so cruelly.

If I were in your position I would fantasise about having my say and teaching them a lesson but in reality I know I'd say nothing at all!! I would definitely distance myself from them, you just don't need people like that in your life! My mum always told me to rid myself of the nasty people in my life to make room for someone more deserving.

You have the upper hand here, they clearly have spotted that you are far better than them, hence their jealousy, so show them just how much better you actually are. Don't stoop to their level, just carry on doing your thing and trust me this will piss them off far more than anything else you could say/do!!

Fuxfurforall · 26/01/2017 20:07

Screenshot it all. Attach it to a goodbye message, send it to them and enjoy your success. They are toxic, spiteful people and not worthy of your time.

SuperFlyHigh · 26/01/2017 20:17

Wanted to add this is always boredom and jealousy.

Sometimes one person (as in my case) is more of the instigator of the nasty messages and draws another person in with him/her.

Sometimes there is a backstory - in my case the main woman was a new wife of a platonic male friend of my mum who'd always been in love with my mum and let the new wife think my mum was an ex GF. This spurred on new wife to have it in for me at work... Yet I never knew... Until she let something slip about my mum etc.

Though it's tempting it's really best ignoring or just sending a one line sentence saying you know what they've done and leave it at that.

They are very sad people with nothing much else in their lives!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/01/2017 20:39

Cut them out of your life. They can see your son, if his father bothers to take them. Not your problem anymore.

I'd definitely have to let them know I knew.

I kept getting removed from facebook groups. I think the person doing it didn't realise it comes up saying "X has removed you from this group". I told her I knew and she came out with some shitty excuse. I cut her out.

Kathmandu12 · 26/01/2017 20:53

I'd screenshot the messages so I have an evidence.

I probably won't say anything but just go ahead block them and cut them from my life.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 26/01/2017 21:05

Oh I think this could be quite delicious.

I think I would give a few hints and watch how things go...

You can retain your dignity without giving away the whole game. I wouldn't go NC. I'd be too keen to enjoy dropping repeated comments.

"Don't be upset DS, there are some really cruel people on the world who enjoy putting others down!"

"Help me out here, xx, the green dress I'm wearing. I think it looks good. What would you say? Not "frumpy" is it?"

I would never let it go. Grin