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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages from other woman

93 replies

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 16:05

Hey all, my bf an I have been living together for almost 2 & 1/2 years, and in a relationship for three.
About a year ago we had a short split after a huge row for a few weeks during that time a woman he used to go to school with(recently divorced) messaged him on facebook, he exchanged one message with her just saying that he was under pressure and upset etc. and she replied with some general chat about her marriage and emotions and so on then asked him to meet for coffee and he agreed...we then got back together and he never met her for coffee..
The thing is she will NOT stop messaging him, there are now five unopened messages from her in his facebook messages, the last one she sent was just his name and a heart..prior to that she was messaging him effusively, oh my dear friend lets meet up and sing and talk..plenty of hearts, I think t's quite over the top, he says he hardly remembers her, she was just some girl that went to his school...but why is she so over the top?
Neither of us really use facebook but a few months ago he had posted a poem he wrote about me as his cover photo..under it she posted a whole pile of hearts and xxx's...
I feel like messaging her and asking her what she is doing or could she please stop, these days it's stressful enough with kids and life to keep your relationship well without divorcees plaguing people they remember from high school all over facebook...AIBU??

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 26/01/2017 17:39

Yip, sounds like my ex.
He was subtle, made out I was crazy when I started feeling insecure after him doing things similar to your boyfriend.
I ended up in CBT for low self esteem.
Don't let it get that far, dump his sorry fucking arse.

trappedinsuburbia · 26/01/2017 17:40

Mine never cheated, he was a total head fuck though (sorry for swearing) I think he got off of making me feel like shit.

Original poster
user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:43

Yes, he said that the problem is with me, I'm an untrustworthy basket case, and I need mental help, and I'm constantly questioning myself and my reactions, hence why I posted here today...

OP posts:
RosettaPebble · 26/01/2017 17:44

Is he definitely not opening the messages? Could he not be marking them unread so they appear unopened? I don't use Facebook so I'm not familiar with it. But something just doesn't add up here.

One lonely lady taking things too far, possibly Hmm but you are talking about multiple women behaving in a very odd manner according to him, sorry I just don't buy it.

shovetheholly · 26/01/2017 17:45

Oh user why didn't you say that in the first place?

He's a massive cock. That's your problem.

KurriKurri · 26/01/2017 17:45

He's messing you around. There must have been a reason for your split a year ago - you presumably had some doubts about him then. Go with your gut instinct, he sounds dishonest - and you deserve a much better partner.

What would you say to a friend if they told you their partner was behaving like he is?

Original poster
user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:46

:/

OP posts:
user1484317265 · 26/01/2017 17:47

he said that the problem is with me, I'm an untrustworthy basket case, and I need mental help

I could have guessed that, its in the script. Does he tell you what you should do, or wear? Does he have opinions on your friends or when you go out?

trappedinsuburbia · 26/01/2017 17:47

Sounds like the same kettle of fish OP.
Were you happy and confident when you got together?
Bet your not anymore!
Men like this are one of the worst, they are so manipulative you really start to believe its you. Honestly it is NOT you, its bloody him.

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2017 17:47

I have to admit, he doesn't sound like much of a catch.

trappedinsuburbia · 26/01/2017 17:49

My ex never told me what to wear or what to do, he just made sure I was so insecure...................oh hang on yes he did! Done so nicely and subtly though I didn't realise at the time.

minion246 · 26/01/2017 17:50

His messing with you!!! I know if I had a problem like that my dp would delete and block straight away (he has done before). Seems like he likes the attention and that's why his telling you all of the women making a pass at him. Totally wrong and won't do you any good. You are going to have to be straight with him and tell him how it make you feel

kitXi · 26/01/2017 17:53

He sounds like a shit.

I'm a "nice person", I really hate the idea of anyone being hurt by me or upset. A while ago an ex fling from before I met my husband started sending me Facebook messages similar to the ones your boyfriend is receiving. I ignored them but he carried on, and also found me on other social media. I blocked him everywhere I could. BECAUSE I am a nice person, my loyalty was to my husband (and tbh to myself) not to a bloke I don't know anymore and don't want anything to do with.

Your bf, even if he isn't actively cheating, is enjoying the ego boost that comes from these messages. He tells you about the women that can't keep their hands off him so that you go over the top trying to keep him, because your man is so in demand. It's a subtle form of control, the implications being "I could go elsewhere but at the moment I'm choosing not to. It's up to you to keep it that way though". Of COURSE he's putting it all on you. You know he's wrong, right?

You need to get shot of this loser.

Original poster
user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:55

Yes, before I met him I had friends, job, seemingly a life, and was doing well, he says that this isn't true though that before I met him I was just pretending and that I need to find my true self and drop all the rubbish, that I have mental issues and he wants to help me with them...it's been so long now I don't know if this is true or not...my mental issues only seem to exist when I start to question him or criticise his behaviour in any way, or if I don't listen to him or adhere to everything he says..

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:59

I honestly don't know anything anymore that's why I posted here today, I'm continually being told that everything I think, feel, want, do is crazy and ridiculous...but ...he only defends himself by shouting at me and turning everything back onto me, I tried to leave last week and he then became extremely loving and kind and sweet with me and instead I ended up crying and we talked and everything felt well, now three days later and it's back to I'm a crazy b*H and if I don't respect everything he says or does I can get out of the house and find somewhere else to live because 'I'm just a guest he's offering his home to'...

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 26/01/2017 18:01

Do you object to him having female friends in general?

Patriciathestripper1 · 26/01/2017 18:03

Sounds like she thought the poem was about her op!
If there's nothing in it he would just block her. So fucking what if she feels offended? If he dosnt remember her and hasn't talked to her then what's the problem?

Original poster
user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 18:04

No, not at all, just to being talked about to other women, especially our personal problems, especially when said women then proceed to come on to him...he doesn't really have friends anyway, male or female...he doesn't really have anyone in his life apart from me to be honest if I think about it..

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 26/01/2017 18:04

Just read your last post...... tell him to fuck the fuck off, and leave before he wrecks your head completely!

Original poster
user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 18:04

Patrica I know true.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 26/01/2017 18:07

He's priming you. Poor lamb has all these women throwing himself at him. What choice did he have. And you are so insecure he figured he might as well do what you're accusing him of..

RestlessTraveller · 26/01/2017 18:09

That's really interesting, I asked because if he had other female friends and you're fine with them but this one makes you feel uncomfortable then I would say there's something in it. Do you know why he doesn't have any friends?

Original poster
user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 18:15

He seems to be pretty intolerant of most people and society in general, thinks that most people are self absorbed narcissists, and he says that he doesn't believe in 'friends' he believes that we all just cross each others paths on our journey through life and connect for a certain amount of time before we move on, ok, fair enough but it's just the things he says may sound very spiritual and buddhist like however he himself is not...everyone seems to piss him off no matter how small the interaction and seems to argue with a lot of people, even people he does work for will tell him he's arrogant ec. he says this is just because people are unnerved by his authenticity and command, and because he doesn't say what they want to hear or enable them they quickly get angry with him...

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 26/01/2017 18:19

OP sleep on it tonight, try and process everything thats been posted on here, Im hoping your eyes will be opened and you will see this manipulative piece of shit for what he is.
I was never a jealous or insecure person, its just not me, yet this man managed to turn me into a complete wreck.
Im finally after many years back to the gobby, confident person I was, not afraid to speak my mind or say what i'm feeling (much to my now dp's annoyment sometimes).
I hope tomorrow you wake up, have a lightbulb moment, pack your bag and never look back.

RestlessTraveller · 26/01/2017 18:20

Everything you've said points to the fact that he's an egotistical, he's keeping her hanging around to feed his ego. LTB.