Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4

AIBU?

Messages from other woman

93 replies

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 16:05

Hey all, my bf an I have been living together for almost 2 & 1/2 years, and in a relationship for three.
About a year ago we had a short split after a huge row for a few weeks during that time a woman he used to go to school with(recently divorced) messaged him on facebook, he exchanged one message with her just saying that he was under pressure and upset etc. and she replied with some general chat about her marriage and emotions and so on then asked him to meet for coffee and he agreed...we then got back together and he never met her for coffee..
The thing is she will NOT stop messaging him, there are now five unopened messages from her in his facebook messages, the last one she sent was just his name and a heart..prior to that she was messaging him effusively, oh my dear friend lets meet up and sing and talk..plenty of hearts, I think t's quite over the top, he says he hardly remembers her, she was just some girl that went to his school...but why is she so over the top?
Neither of us really use facebook but a few months ago he had posted a poem he wrote about me as his cover photo..under it she posted a whole pile of hearts and xxx's...
I feel like messaging her and asking her what she is doing or could she please stop, these days it's stressful enough with kids and life to keep your relationship well without divorcees plaguing people they remember from high school all over facebook...AIBU??

OP posts:

Report

TheMysteriousJackelope · 26/01/2017 16:50

This sounds like it is entirely on her and not on him. She sounds a bit fixated on him, or idealization of him based on a few memories from a time when she was happy. That isn't nice for the person with the fixation or the object of it. Replying would be stupid. All it teaches her is if he replies to the 6th message she has to send 7 to be sure of a response. Any attention is going to encourage her. If you respond she'll right you off as a jealous harpy and either ignore you, send you a bunch of abuse, or drivel about how your OH is her soulmate and you should leave him so she can pursue true happiness with her.

I don't know why he doesn't just block her. Maybe he feels sorry for her if they were friends? Maybe he doesn't want to antagonize her as she seems a bit off kilter.

shovetheholly · 26/01/2017 16:57

I think it's up to him how he handles this. The messages are unopened, so it's not like he's rushing to reply. She sounds needy/lonely, and there may be back story to that of which he's aware and you are not.

I understand that this interest she's showing feels a bit threatening for you, but if he's not responding at all and hasn't even met her for coffee, I don't think you have any reason to be worried.

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 16:58

Um, honestly I don't really know either, he is of the mind that he wouldn't cheat on me and says he is trustworthy and he thinks that should be enough...the thing is they weren't even friends apparently in school, according to him he doesn't even actually remember exactly who she was just very vaguely that she was tall and quiet, they never spoke or hung out, it's all a bit bizarre..

OP posts:

joystir59 · 26/01/2017 17:03

I never look at my wife's Facebook page unless she tags me in something. I don't know or care who sheis friends with or messages. Her friends on facebook are her own concern. Who she meets for coffee is her own concern. She is allowed to love people as friends. I trust her. All of her behaviour shows me that I am the one she loves as a partner. So OP- I would ask why you feel so insecure? If you love and trust your bf what does it matter what messages she is posting? Or whether or not he blocks her?

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:06

I guess I'm just unnerved a bit. last year his ex from five years ago messaged him about 20 times begging him to get back together and saying she was sorry, she hadn't spoken to him for five years, then when ignored all her messages she just turned up at midnight in our city and phoned him and asked him can she come meet him, he said no and never called her back, he has shown he is trustworthy in many ways i just feel a bit unnerved a lot by this behaviour of these woman and I can't help feel threatened.

OP posts:

NeedaFanjob · 26/01/2017 17:08

Sounds like OP has access to husbands Facebook... why not just block her yourself. End of story...unless he has another means of contacting her...

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:09

Yes joystir I understand, I admire that you can do that, I would very much like to be a person like that, who doesn't feel threatened and is not possessive but my emotions and heart and body have their own spontaneous reactions to the logical thoughts and theories I have in my mind, I can tell myself certain logical things and comprehend them, but another part of me reacts completely separately in a panic kind of threat response way when I feel like I might suffer loss of people I love, I was shocked deeply in the past to have been lied to and cheated on when I least expect it and I'm still dragging that around somewhere inside me.

OP posts:

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:10

Yes we both keep our facebooks logged in, I use mine for work and we don't keep them secret from one another although he doesn't know that I recently looked in the message, I didn't open them but just saw that again she had messaged him..

OP posts:

GatoradeMeBitch · 26/01/2017 17:14

It's probably playing on your mind because it doesn't add up. Just out of the blue during a two week split a woman he used to know messaged him? I think it's more likely that he messaged her and led her to believe he was single.

Has he shown you all the messages between them? If it will set your mind at rest, just message her and ask why she leaves hearts under his posts.

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:15

I think if I went on his facebook and blocked her that would be even crazier than if I messaged her and asked why she keeps messaging him...he would be also livid with me if I did that..

OP posts:

Foxysoxy01 · 26/01/2017 17:19

But why are you going to message her?

It's him you need to sort this with. He needs to message her and say it was nice catching up but your together again and please leave him alone etc.

You don't need to message her in fact it's bizarre you would message her rather than get him to sort it.

It sounds like he either messaged her more than he is saying, there is a history there he is not telling you or as you said, leaving her hanging just in case.

I would suggest a deep and meaningful with your OH!

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:22

Yea I'll talk to him about it ...again..

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 26/01/2017 17:23

It seems a bit odd that out of the blue women are throwing themselves at him. But then of course you only have his version of events. Maybe he innocently attracts crazy women.

Or maybe more goes on than he tells you. He could very easily solve this problem by blocking, but he has chosen not to do so. He could have done it after the first message. He could message and very clearly state he is not interested, he is in a relationship. But he has chosen not to do so.

Have you noticed his pants catching fire recently ?

trappedinsuburbia · 26/01/2017 17:26

It honestly sounds like he either wants to make you feel insecure to keep you in place or he is keeping her on the back burner, he's being subtle but he sounds like a manipulative ass to me.

shovetheholly · 26/01/2017 17:26

It might be that there's more of a history here than we think, or it might be that she's just lonely.

Love, especially teenage love, can be very one-way and very unrequited! I'm sure we all know someone who had a massive crush at school on another person who barely knew they existed. I don't find it implausible that this could inflect later social media interactions!

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:28

Kurrikurri you have no idea, he is a maintenance man and he went to fix curtains for a woman at a block he manages and apparently she tried to kiss him and he had to push her away, I don't know if he's telling me these things to make me feel insecure or to be honest, I really have no idea.

OP posts:

user1484317265 · 26/01/2017 17:28

I feel like messaging her and asking her what she is doing or could she please stop, these days it's stressful enough with kids and life to keep your relationship well without divorcees plaguing people they remember from high school all over facebook...AIBU??

YES, YABU! You are making that classic mistake of blaming other women when your actual problem is with your man. He's telling you these various women are flinging themselves at him and he's powerless to stop them and completely innocent, and you;re mad at them and not him. He's a genius! He's playing you, and them. He's encouraging them, engaging with them, but only letting you see one side of it.

It would be a seconds work to block her and job done, but he won't. Why is that do you think? Really?

user1484317265 · 26/01/2017 17:29

he went to fix curtains for a woman at a block he manages and apparently she tried to kiss him and he had to push her away

Yeah right. The other way around I'm guessing. He thinks he's really something, doesn't he?

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:30

@shovetheholly I don't know - me personally, I have never and would never message someone in that manner, especially someone with a girlfriend...and especially not someone I knew thirty years ago and haven't spoken to since, does this happen regularly to other people or is it just my luck, my previous ex was also contacted and stalked by his childhood ex over facebook as well, my ex really didn't like her and never replied but she went properly crazy and started contacting his mother and me as well when he wouldn't reply...is there something in the water here?

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 26/01/2017 17:31

User - that sounds like a scene from a terrible 1980s porn movie... Adventures of a Curtain Hanger!

Are you saying that he's repeatedly telling you how desirable he is to all these women he meets? If so, that's really different. And yes, it does make it sound as though he's trying to make you feel insecure and jealous. To use a classic Mumsnet line: you don't have an OW problem, you have a DH problem.

user1484317265 · 26/01/2017 17:32

does this happen regularly to other people or is it just my luck

No, its your BF lying to you.

VintagePerfumista · 26/01/2017 17:34

It's not the woman who's deluded love.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:35

Yes, he frequently tells me about women he's spoken to about me, like the woman with the curtains, he was talking to her about us not getting along well and he told me she said that he is crazy to care so much about me and why does he even bother, then tried to kiss him but he pushed her away...he also mentioned last week out of the blue that some other woman he met about ten years ago had recently added him as a friend, this woman too apparently had wanted to have a relationship with him but he spurned her...

OP posts:

user1485446106 · 26/01/2017 17:36

VintagePerfumista....ouch but I hear you.

OP posts:

user1484317265 · 26/01/2017 17:37

He can barely get through a day without a woman throwing herself at him, can he? And why is he talking about you to them?

Come on, OP, its staring you in the face. He's an utter tit, isn't he? He's a liar, he's awful to you and about you, and he is almost certainly a cheat as well.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.