To worry for dd

[FrenchieCurls]

Before people attack me this is not a stealth boast! My dd is 8 and is a very pretty child. People comment all the time. Yesterday she came home upset because girls at school are excluding her and telling her shes too pretty. Weve had these issues before what should i do?

I can't remember being conscious of looks at that age, not to say it doesn't happen though.

However, every girl or woman over the age of 14 I've known who said they were excluded/bullied because of their attractiveness were deluding themselves. People usually gravitate towards attractive people.

Evie "I know it might be the tone of the post making other posters think this is a troll, I hope that's the case anyway , because ridiculing someone who's experiencing bullying or prejudice due to being deemed overly pretty or attractive is really unfeminist, it does happen and it is a legitimate problem for some women and girls."

I think it is simply that some people if they have not experienced something cannot comprehend it could happen to another. Sorry to hear it happened to you but well done for sticking up for the OP. Denying bullying and exclusion is just not on.

Italian greyhound - I see your point but actually it's more like someone coming on and saying my child is bullied because they're white.

Attractive people do better, are more popular, get marked higher, even get lower sentences for crime. I'm not at all saying that pretty children don't get bullied but if they are it's not because they're pretty (also not their fault though).

Frenchie, aside from being pretty, what are your daughter's talents?

Italian you're right, and thank you :)

I never experienced any bullying due to my looks but people did still tell me I was pretty, so it may be a maturity thing. I think other posters are right too, OP, in that your daughter needs to be taught that self worth doesn't come from outside appearances, but that there's no shame in being happy with how you look (when she's older). And all girls should be taught that really!

Thanks, Italian!

Having re-read my post, I perhaps didn't word it as clearly as I might have done: What I meant to get across was that upping OP's DD's non -physical attributes then gives her self-esteem and confidence to feel good within her own right, not based solely on other people's opinions.

Certainly didn't mean to imply she'd do herself any favours by coming across as a Grade A super-achiever instead. Or angelic and no fun.

I based this on hearing 2 of my adult friends talk about having had real grief from very early years. Weirdly resentful treatment by some classmates, some teachers and a few of their friends' parents.

As has been wisely said, kids get pigeon-holed for many different reasons, and being assumed to be Miss Perfect, based on how they looked, genuinely was the case in their experience. Their behaviour sure as hell was normal kid mix of cheekiness/ mucking around as well as working!

Obviously, if it's stretching into bullying or serious excluding treatment for OP's DD, then I 100% agree with PPs saying it goes far deeper and should be dealt with.

Sorry, meant to say haven't experienced any after primary school

DD is very pretty imo, she hated being called Princess etc in restaurants (thougg tbf I think most small girls in restaurants get called princess by the waiting staff).

Anyway she threw away anything pink/glittery/skirt/dress like. Had her hair cut short and goes round scowling at everyone now.

It has worked a treat she is like a mini teenage pita now.

Italiangreyhound i know i struggled with how to word it and can only go on something i heard my own dd say, the girl in question was beautiful and knew it, not that there's anything wrong with that but kids at 8 must have noticed.

splendide "Italian greyhound - I see your point but actually it's more like someone coming on and saying my child is bullied because they're white."

OK, but you know there are lots of schools in this country or around the world where someone might be in the minority and be white. People in the minority might be bullied. People in the majority might be bullied.

It is the behavior we need to look at, not the 'reason' for it. The reason is actually central to the bully's own internal thinking, not some quantifiable 'reason'.

Belittling any child or parent because you have not experienced their issue (I do not mean you personally ) is both unhelpful and (really) a form of bullying behaviour in itself. On a site meant for support of parents it is a cheap shot at best!

"Attractive people do better, are more popular, get marked higher, even get lower sentences for crime. I'm not at all saying that pretty children don't get bullied but if they are it's not because they're pretty (also not their fault though)."

So the child will get an easier ride when older so OK to be picked on now?

Or maybe these experiences will crush her confidence. Confident people do better so no parent wants a child's confidence crushed.

"I'm not at all saying that pretty children don't get bullied but if they are it's not because they're pretty ..."

YOU do not know this, unless you think all the links I just posted are crap, which is fine, but you do not know why this child is being left out.

Bullying for any reason is wrong, not just the reasons one has personally experience or one personally seems acceptable reasons.

chipsandchilli sorry I was not being mean, it is fair to ask the question IMHO.

But people of different ethnicity might get picked on for speaking a language that others do not understand. Do we say that is their fault?

It doesn't matter why someone is being picked on! It's not on.

If the girls felt the OP's dd was 'big headed' they could have said so, politely, or impolitely and that could have been dealt with.

Ideally, they could say, "Sometimes you do or say XYZ, it makes me uncomfortable."

And the OP's dd could address that behaviour on her part. But they did not say that.

So it is conjecture.

You are right to raise it but IMHO we need to be careful not to give bullies an excuse for bullying by validating what they are doing and thinking up reasons why it may be understandable!

AutumnalLeaves "Having re-read my post, I perhaps didn't word it as clearly"

Your post was perfectly understandable, you wanted to put emphasis on other things than looks, big up the child's abilities or achievements and switch attention onto the other child of the other parent you were talking to. Simple.

I'm sure older kids are bullied due to jealousy about attractiveness but kids really don't care when they're 8. Pretty to an 8 yr old is wearing every glittery bobble in their hair at the same time.
The gymnastics teacher sounds quite unprofessional but I would be surprised if teachers at the school were behaving that way. Are you sure that your dd hasn't been aggravating others by going around telling everyone she is pretty? Do you and other family members tell her how pretty she is all the time?

Can you imagine if a person said they were being bullied because they were black and others came on and said "maybe your child is doing XYZ!!!"

Maybe I'm wrong, but IMHO, racism in an 8-year-old is something that is learnt from parents. I don't think there is a culture of bullying beautiful people that parents would communicate to their children.

bumsexatthebingo you are obviously entitled to your opinion but where is your evidence for "...kids really don't care when they're 8. Pretty to an 8 yr old is wearing every glittery bobble in their hair at the same time."

Because my understanding is that 8 is the new 10 and 10 is the new 14 so whatever you felt about 8 year olds needs adjusting somewhat!

"I don't think there is a culture of bullying beautiful people that parents would communicate to their children."

So why would they do it then?

Oh yes for all the reasons kids bully, all the reasons which are not necessarily things they have learnt from their parents!

8 is the new 10, and 10 is the new 14
Not round here, it's not. How utterly depressing.

Italian, yes it's a hard one really, bullying is bullyiing and 8 year olds do notice imo, then people will say things like 'well if being beautiful is the worst thing you have to worry about being bullied about...' but the child does feel picked on and singled out, i do think it depends on the childs attitude as well, if they are told constantly they are beautiful then are using this in a way to make other kids feel bad about themselves then this is bullying as well and might be why comments are being made

Ive got teen DDs with a small age gap. DD one has always got comments off people about look's, when she was little it didn't really bother me or her comments like ooo she is gorgeous, what lovely long blonde hair, what lovely eye's, she's got a lovely figure and she's tall etc etc. Obviously not all together but various comments over time. But now it is often done in front of DD2 who is not as tall or slim, hair's not as blonde or as long and eyes are not the same bright blue shade. I can see DD2's face fall sometimes and she has made a few comments like why don't you ask miss perfect, i do feel sorry for her when comments are made in front of her, if they were not as close in age i don't think it would cause issues

Samantha brick

I have a dd around that age. A little older actually and she has never once mentioned someones attractiveness or lack of. Neither have any of her friends.

What a load of white

*Shite

Floggingmolly it is depressing! Actually I am not saying that officially 8 year olds behave like 10 year olds but I do think these things are changing. I was still playing with dolls and doll house at 12. That seems to stop by 11 or earlier, IM HO.

I think it is possible. Say a parent is jealous of your dd maybe she dreamed of having g a child model and her kids never cut it.

She could be putting ideas in her child's head and kid is passing them in to the class.

Some adults are awful and have no idea what they are doing by saying stuff to there kids.