To worry for dd

[FrenchieCurls]

Before people attack me this is not a stealth boast! My dd is 8 and is a very pretty child. People comment all the time. Yesterday she came home upset because girls at school are excluding her and telling her shes too pretty. Weve had these issues before what should i do?

Yeah right.

Sounds like they are excluding her because she is favoured rather than anything else

Focus her, your and everyone else's attentions on her other (non-physical) interests and talents. Self-confidence is always a plus.

If she's busy with her artistic/ musical/ sporting/ chess etc. achievements, her looks are just another facet, and not a big deal.

Example :

8 yr old classmate : "We don't want you at our sleepover; you think you're better than everyone else just because you're pretty"...

DD: "No I don't. It's you who's always going on about it. It's boring. Anyway, I'm busy on Friday...my gymnastics club is training for X competition. I love it. Then we all go for pizza afterwards. Right laugh. Do you do any sports outside school? You're always really good at X in P.E...."

As her Mum, if/ when adults comment within her hearing:

OTT friend: Isn't she pretty? God, my girls would love to have her colouring. And those eyelashes...wow. She'll have QUEUES of boys outside in a few years..."

You: Yeah, she is a nice-looking kid. Mind you we're obviously a bit biased! Did you hear about how well her team are doing in the X competitions? She puts so much hard work into the training. She's made lovely friends there, too. They have a lot of fun together... How's your DD getting on with her X activity? I hear she's pretty good..."

Your DD then has it reinforced that good looks are nothing to be made to feel shy or guilty about, (which can lead to all sorts of other issues), but that it's not popular to boast about them, that it's only a small part of the all-round package, and that she has many more exciting things to talk about! And, crucially, to show interest in other people!

Nearly all research shows that younger children, even babies, prefer attractive faces and attractive children are more popular.

So, if they are picking on your dd because of this, it's likely they are using it as an excuse and to bolster the group- exclusion is a form of bullying, so if it's persistent (and not just the odd time), go and see the teacher.

this is not a stealth boast!

You sure about that?

If you're real please don't follow any of Autumnal's bizarre "advice" unless you want to be excluded too 😕

Apparently one girl said to her youre too perfect to play with us. I cant believe 8 yr olds behave that way.

I can't really believe it either.

Magzmarsh,

I'm sorry you think that. Could you explain a little more? It certainly wasn't my intention to cause problems.

Sorry to hear this.

Ha ha, to the posters who do not think this could be a real issue! Why would people find it so hard to believe kids may be jealous of another child because of their looks and exclude them.

Honestly, please think, of course this may be a reason for bullying behaviour, or it may not.

But either way bullying is bullying and excluding is bullying so tackle as you would if your dd were being left out for any other reason.

Looks are not irrelevant for an 8 year old! And in today's society many younger girls are imitating older girls.

I would suggest OP you encourage her to become a fabulous person in her own right, as I am sure you are doing, and never allow her to feel her looks will advantage or disadvantage her either way.

trinketsofgold "This whole thread is a bit hmm" because people are a bit dim and can't read or don't believe what others say.

My son is bloody gorgeous and his teacher is always saying how cute he is but luckily she says it to me (and may well say it to all the kid's parents) if she said it in front of the class I would be pretty angry.

In a society that judges female beauty so much I am gobsmacked that anyone could doubt this!

Badtime

Me neither

Being too pretty can be a problem but when they are older with the stupid boyfriends they attract.
In this case it is either because her teacher practises out-and-out favouritism or because she is a goody-two-shoes.

And beauty is in the eye of the beholder, frankly.

I'm so glad loads of people interpreted perfect in the same way I did!

Is your DD an intense child? Does she behave in a way to please all the time? Woukd she join in the usual frolics of her peers without worrying too much it's stretching the boundaries a little or will she tell her peers they shouldn't be doing stuff and tell on them?

My Ds is a teller. Both to his peers and to teachers. His peers DO NOT take kindly to it - and I'm sure it oisses the teachers off too

It's a part of growing up learning how far you can push rules and boundaries. It's quite stifling for young kids to have a peer always putting pay to that.

this is not a stealth boast!

Course not OP

I was a pretty child, if anyone needed picking for anything such as presenting a bouquet, being on a prospectus, being filmed, or whatever, it was always me. I was also very good and polite. Other mothers used to borrow me when they took their children out as an official friend as well, as they thought it made their children behave better.

I got bullied a bit but I survived. I think it helped that I also had a slight tomboy element to my life and that took the edge off my poster girl image. I also roughed up a bit at secondary school and learned to swear, drink, smoke and so on, and that turned me into the hairy-handed trucker I am today

Do not fear, OP. All will be well.

PS I tried explaining this to colleagues at work once and I thought I was being a narcissistic nutter, they didn't get how certain kids get put on a pedestal like that.

I watched Danielle Lloyds celebrity therapy room earlier dont tell anyone. She had issues with jealousy and girls as she was always the pretty one, she's only see's her worth based on her looks and being a trophy as its all she's perceived to be good at 'the pretty one'.

So essentially what I'm saying is make sure you build on her self worth as well.

PPS In the end mum cut my hair quite short and that got rid of a lot of the comments.

AutumnalLeaves good advice. If other's cannot see it then it may be that they are not taking the OP seriously.

Mumsnet some of your posters are so dim!

lifestyle.one/closer/news-real-life/real-life/school-bullies-force-girl-13-drink-puddle-water-pretty/

nobullying.com/bullied-for-being-pretty/

broadblogs.com/2016/01/20/girls-bullying-girls-who-are-too-pretty/

rstb.royalsocietypublishing.org/content/368/1631/20130080.full

lifestyle.one/closer/celebrity/news/bullying-someone-beautiful-seen-acceptable-m-celebrity-contestants-attack-amy-willerton-looks-nobody-bats-eyelid/

OP build your dd's self esteem, help her develop soom ecome backs to the girls
You're perfect - "I'm not perfect"

You're too pretty - "This isn't about how anyone looks, I just want to play the game."

Help her develop her own come backs and speak to teacher, no one should be excluded due to appearance.

youarenotkidding "
It's a part of growing up learning how far you can push rules and boundaries. It's quite stifling for young kids to have a peer always putting pay to that."

This is all in your head, the OP has said they used the words pretty and perfect, you are majorly embellishing.

BoffinMum I am sorry to hear you experienced that but well done for coming through it.

The very idea that posting about excluding and bullying is a chance to stealth boast on the internet must be from people who have more time than sense!

Is she pretty and she knows it though, iv'e over heard comment's from my DD8 and friends saying, ooooo she thinks she so pretty and perfect.

Not that it's right but i think it depend's what her attitude is as well, if the teacher has singled her out then that's not good. Depends what she behaves like, has she had it said over and over shes stunning so plays up to it. Eg XXXX loves herself..

Atenco
Being too pretty can be a problem but when they are older with the stupid boyfriends they attract.
This ^^ Especially when they are teen's, its a nightmare

Gym teacher may have said that to you. But id be very surprised if she said it about your daughter to others. And it is something I might say to any parent 'look at your beautiful child out at the front'.

There are some truly beautiful children in the world (of course all children are gorgeous...). But does your daughter behave like she knows she is more beautiful than average?

If we are to believe you that your daughter is an astonishingly beautiful 8 year old, why do the other children know this? Who is putting her looks above their other activities? Other parents, teachers, you, or her?

"Too perfect' suggests more than just beauty.

Definitely talk to the teacher. See if they have spotted odd behaviour in the group.

Unfortunately it can happen. My first experience of someone being jealous of me was a girl in primary school, she was unusually bitter (as in no other girl acted like this to me) and I remember be confused for a while because I didn't have a concept of looks in such a way myself. So I think some kids mature faster than others and are more capable of bullying in a vindictive sense, rather than your usual playground squabbles. I'm surprised so many girls in your DDs class feel this way but with social media and changing culture it's not that surprising.

I know it might be the tone of the post making other posters think this is a troll, I hope that's the case anyway , because ridiculing someone who's experiencing bullying or prejudice due to being deemed overly pretty or attractive is really unfeminist, it does happen and it is a legitimate problem for some women and girls.

Can you imagine if a person said they were being bullied because they were black and others came on and said "maybe your child is doing XYZ!!!"

chipsandchilli "Is she pretty and she knows it though....But does your daughter behave like she knows she is more beautiful than average?"
It's OK to ask this but be careful, that is starting to sound like victim blaming.

HerBluebiro "If we are to believe you that your daughter is an astonishingly beautiful 8 year old, why do the other children know this?" Do you seriously think that children cannot see if another is traditionally beautiful? Honestly, at 8?