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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do? DS14 told me he's suicidal because of school

78 replies

CareBearsEveryWhere · 26/01/2017 09:54

I'm sat here shaking. Last night my 14 year old son came into my room to see me as I came to bed. He broke down and said he has been having suicidal thoughts and has even sat on his bed with a knife whilst I've been out. He's said he's felt like it for awhile but hasn't told me as I've been ill.

I'll try not to drip feed and give as much info as possible in the hope someone can advise me of my next step.

He's always had trouble fitting in - he's not sporty and quite 'camp' so has been a target for bullies from an early age. I was very concerned with him starting high school and liaised with the school. He had some problems in the final term of year 7 but that was sorted (I thought).

The problem was, he was then seen by his peers 'as a grass' and since then he has faced a small but persistent campaign of hate against him. He's undermined daily with verbal taunts, never picked for group work, left out of form outings and party invites etc. Although he has one or two friends it's 'uncool' to be seen hanging out with my son so they aren't close.

He told me the latest thing is now they all get in his face and say 'gay' to him every single day. My son has to find somewhere to hide at lunch to avoid them. He has no school people on his social media thank goodness so it's only abuse whilst at school.

I had no clue things were so bad until he broke down last night. He says he has told his head of year but he is also head of PE and the worst bullies are the best sportsmen so nothing has been done.

I can't bear the thought of my son so unhappy but I'm not sure what my next step should be. There is another school he could go to but he gets on the bus that serves both schools and has even been attacked (verbally) by the kids from that school too so he says there is 'no point'.

Obviously I'm contacting the school this morning but I'd be grateful for any advice as to how to handle it? It's not just one or two kids it's his whole class! I'm heartbroken for him and I'd sell my soul to make him happy again.

For info, we have a very settled home life - he is my middle child of three and there are no other issues at play. My kids all get on pretty well although my eldest & youngest are very close so middle one can sometimes feel a bit left out - although I try to make sure he's not upset (usually he's fine and on his computer).

I just can't believe a 14 year old boy is thinking that suicide is his only way forward.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 26/01/2017 11:35

Personally I'd want to be there whilst they "spoke" to him. Hopefully they'll have his best interests at heart but they may also have a vested interest in minimising/arse-covering.

Libitina · 26/01/2017 11:41

I'm glad the school have acted on what you have told them.

I'm also glad that your DS felt able to speak to you OP.

GP is the next point of call.

Give your DS a hug from me.

MagicMojito · 26/01/2017 11:46

What BarbarianMum said.

Your son has already approached the staff and its continued and has now got to breaking point. This is really fucking serious and school will most likely do all they can to minimise the impact on them. Disgraceful but all too common.

Hes lucky he has you. Keep fighting for him x

tiggytape · 26/01/2017 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoneyBunnySunny · 26/01/2017 11:54

Sorry but I agree with BarbarianMum. It's not unheard of for schools to minimise and cover up bullying - victim blaming is quite common. Also with the best will in the world teachers are not mh professionals - they could make the situation even worse. Add in that they have already failed to act and my trust of them would be gone. They were aware of the bullying and it still got to this stage. I've been here and trust would be gone now

FaFoutis · 26/01/2017 11:56

I have sons who do not fit in and having experienced this myself I have a plan ready if they need it. I would take them out of school and go on a trip away for perspective and new experiences. School is a small part of life but being there every day without any choice in the matter makes it into the whole world. It is horrible if that world is hostile, but that is a skewed perception of life so I would want to give my sons their perspective back.

Feeling for you CareBears, and your son. I would remove him from the school immediately, don't trust them because of the 'outstanding'.

Dragongirl10 · 26/01/2017 12:02

Oh Op, your poor boy, thank god he felt he could tell you.

Like others have said , take him out of school and keep him out , if it has gone far enough for him to seriously think of suicide you must make sure no one has any opportunity to get to him again..in a few week or months even.

Could you home school? at his age there is so much he could work on online independently. Find out if any local colleges would have him for part time courses, to address some of his GCSE requirements. May be he could do part home ed and part college ed.....

Kids can be vile so l would never want him back in a traditional school situation again.
Let him know that after school people accept individuals so much better, and he WILL be liked and have good friends that understand him...when my younger DS was (mildly) bullied by the sports stars at his school ( he is not sporty) l kept reminding him that school is a short phase in his life and one day he will leave it all behind, and find his place in the world with people he likes who like him.

You must be so shocked and shaken, it is every parents nightmare.

If you can keep talking to him and letting him know that he will never have to go somewhere that makes him feel like that again, he will hopefully feel loved and supported......

I hope your lovely son feels much better really soon.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 26/01/2017 12:03

They should absolutely NOT be talking to him. Anyone other than a trained professional could do untold damage.

I'm so sorry OP. Tell him it's ok if he never wants to go back. Get him some professional help, today.

Good luck to you and your boy.

FatBottomedGal · 26/01/2017 12:10

No further advice other than what has been offered, just wanted to send you and your son lots of love. I can't imagine what you're going through.

TheSmurfsAreHere · 26/01/2017 12:13

May I point out that suicide threat is an emergency.
When you Speak to the receptionist, you need to insist for an appointment TODAY and mention his threats. Don't let them fob you off saying there is no appointment available.

life07 · 26/01/2017 12:30

I would be wary of anything the school says.A school that has let it go this far can not be trusted to have his best interests at heart imo. Big hugs to you and your boy op.

Werkzallhourz · 26/01/2017 12:32

Oh, op, I feel for your son.

It astonishes me that in the 21st century when we live in one of the wealthiest countries in the world, where we have so much information at our finger tips, so many avenues for policy work, a state education system where initiatives are expected to be implemented and measured to death that we still have a problem with bullying in schools.

I have no idea why it is not seen as abuse and treated accordingly. It ruins children's lives. It leaves psychological scars. And it polices nonconformist behaviours.

Sometimes I wonder just how many children never pursued their true talents and interests because bullying made them nervous. I also wonder how many adults still carry anxiety problems that have their roots in bullying at school.

I would take him out. These days, there are enough resources to help with home schooling if need be.

No adult would be expected to work in such a vicious, abusive environment. In fact, it would be tribunal time if they experienced the environment your ds currently does. Why so many people expect children to deal with it, I do not know.

Queenie04 · 26/01/2017 12:35

I would take him out of school too. He is fourteen and has been experiencing this since Year 7. I would take him out and give him the option of home school and it tutoring. Reassure he does not have to return your lucky he told you before attempting it,

In terms of his mental health please call your GP and request an urgent appointment for him. Google what mental health services are available for young people in your area.

Also look for activities that he can do, not sports that he can meet other young people to build his confidence.

Queenie04 · 26/01/2017 12:37

Have a look in 'Mind' for advice, he can have a look on there too as very helpful. Also speak to the siblings separately telling them what us going and how serious it is, they will need to make a concerted effort to help him.

misblink · 26/01/2017 12:39

Thank God he told you. I agree with taking him out I would do that straight away and I would deffo be looking into home schooling if that is a possibility.

Keeptrudging · 26/01/2017 12:39

CAMHS were really great with my son (v similar situation). He was seen urgently and they also were very firm with school, who were trying to minimise it. , I hope you get some positive response from school.

Queenie04 · 26/01/2017 12:40

Ps. Can I just also add that yes education is important but your sons mental health and wellbeing is more important. He can take his gcse's at a later date it is not the end of the world. School won't be able to do much and situation may get worse. Also try and get him an app called 'headspace' it was recommended to me by my GP and really helped me through a rough patch last year. I hope all is well

oleoleoleole · 26/01/2017 12:44

Please keep him off school

Ask for a meeting with tutor, head of year and head of pastoral care

Obtain a copy of the schools anti bullying policy prior to the meeting and go with notes of who has breached it, why and when.

Contact your GP for mental health support for you son

If school are not forthcoming, sorting it out, write to the head of governors.

Ask your son what he would like to do, ie new school, move classes (if possible) so he's not taught in same groups as the bullies.

Autumntactics · 26/01/2017 12:46

I took DD out of school because she was being bullied and was having panic attacks and was really miserable. Also an "outstanding" school. We have been home educating for a while. It has different challenges but my DD is back to her old confidence and is happily meeting new people and trying new things when she'd completely retreated into herself before. She's doing her GCSEs earlier too. It's not perfect but it's better than having a child who ends up with mental health problems that affect them through life. It's tough, good luck

watchoutformybutt · 26/01/2017 13:47

My reaction is probably a bit knee jerk but I would say please don't send him back. I was this child and I attempted to commit suicide aged 13. What followed was years of mental health difficulties, self harming and other suicide attempts. I do not blame my parents at all, please don't think that. But what I really needed was not to be sent back to somewhere I felt so desperately unhappy and my parents didn't know what to do. Are there any other places he could go to get his GSCE'S? I know the other school isn't a good option. I wonder if home schooling or having a tutor could work for you guys?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 26/01/2017 13:55

I am so sorry to read this, the teen years fucking suck- and here is furhtr evidence

I think 2 things need addressing

faith for the future
How can you get him to understand that this is shitty period in life, and that the camp guys often go on to having a marvellous life? I don't have a gay or camp friend that wasn't bullied at school, its very horrible and some are scarred more than others. I would think of any films, biographies, and just stuff that's he is interested in so he knows there is a life outside of this

school
I know you will have had great advice but they need to understand that its got this far that he suicidal. so they need to tell the bullying little cunt that its stops NOW, today and that its an offence that will involve suspicion and needs be the police,. that's it. periods

I also think they need to gather the class and say that a disgusting culture has evolved, and that whilst the bullies are in the wrong, the people that walk on by, snicker and exclude are also morally wrong

I will now RTWT- sending strength your way

and I would minimise his involvement and have him off until things are better, this sends a message that you are taking this seriously

Lots of hugs your way

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 26/01/2017 14:28

I found this quite moving, a tad teen oriented but he is a teen!

the messages are so consistent to what he is experiencing, he is NOT alone in this- and he must have hope

Loz1975 · 26/01/2017 14:50

I took my son out as he was very unhappy at school and wanted to die, he's younger than your son though. He got so low and was vomiting every morning at the thought of school.

Been out a year and it was the best thing I ever did. There are so many home ed groups and lessons to join . He is now very happy going off to his very small lessons with lovely like minded children.
Learning doesn't have to be in school, it happens every where.

His mental health is what is priority here, concentrate on that and everything else will follow when ready.

user1483981877 · 26/01/2017 15:05

As shit as this situation is, I'm sat here reading this thinking your son is extremely lucky to have you as his mum. I was miserable for years at school and never told anyone (or when I did I was just told to get on with it) and at the very least I would have just wanted someone to sit with me and really understand what I was feeling. The knock on affect of all that was huge for me so it is positive to read your thoughts on this so far. It doesn't matter what the school is like, this could happen to any child, and he is brave to have raised it with both you and the school. Good luck.

Shnorbitz · 26/01/2017 20:23

This is heartbreaking. The teenage years can be so cruel. Mine are now adults but I it was always the one thing i feared.

I hope you got your son home and that the school are proactively trying to sort this.

Agree with everyone that has said to keep him out of school.

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