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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do? DS14 told me he's suicidal because of school

78 replies

CareBearsEveryWhere · 26/01/2017 09:54

I'm sat here shaking. Last night my 14 year old son came into my room to see me as I came to bed. He broke down and said he has been having suicidal thoughts and has even sat on his bed with a knife whilst I've been out. He's said he's felt like it for awhile but hasn't told me as I've been ill.

I'll try not to drip feed and give as much info as possible in the hope someone can advise me of my next step.

He's always had trouble fitting in - he's not sporty and quite 'camp' so has been a target for bullies from an early age. I was very concerned with him starting high school and liaised with the school. He had some problems in the final term of year 7 but that was sorted (I thought).

The problem was, he was then seen by his peers 'as a grass' and since then he has faced a small but persistent campaign of hate against him. He's undermined daily with verbal taunts, never picked for group work, left out of form outings and party invites etc. Although he has one or two friends it's 'uncool' to be seen hanging out with my son so they aren't close.

He told me the latest thing is now they all get in his face and say 'gay' to him every single day. My son has to find somewhere to hide at lunch to avoid them. He has no school people on his social media thank goodness so it's only abuse whilst at school.

I had no clue things were so bad until he broke down last night. He says he has told his head of year but he is also head of PE and the worst bullies are the best sportsmen so nothing has been done.

I can't bear the thought of my son so unhappy but I'm not sure what my next step should be. There is another school he could go to but he gets on the bus that serves both schools and has even been attacked (verbally) by the kids from that school too so he says there is 'no point'.

Obviously I'm contacting the school this morning but I'd be grateful for any advice as to how to handle it? It's not just one or two kids it's his whole class! I'm heartbroken for him and I'd sell my soul to make him happy again.

For info, we have a very settled home life - he is my middle child of three and there are no other issues at play. My kids all get on pretty well although my eldest & youngest are very close so middle one can sometimes feel a bit left out - although I try to make sure he's not upset (usually he's fine and on his computer).

I just can't believe a 14 year old boy is thinking that suicide is his only way forward.

OP posts:

littledinaco · 26/01/2017 10:43

Don't send him back. It's good that he felt he could tell you. You will keep his trust if you don't make him go back. There are other ways for him to continue his education.
Your poor DS.

Slimmingsnake · 26/01/2017 10:45

Home education or a school way out of catchment.or move house....it's shit for him..get him out of there..school have failed him big time

mikeyssister · 26/01/2017 10:47

Immediate GP and CAMHS appointment.

Remove son from school, he may return he may not.

Lock all knives, razors and scissors away.

Remove all paracetamol based products and lock away.

Most of all stay calm, but it's okay to let your son know you're upset. Reassure him constantly that he was right to tell you and you'll find a solution together.

Even if it's only a walk together get your son doing physical activity every day.

Watch his sleep and ask for Melatonin if necessary.

It'll will all be sorted if you keep at it.

OwlDoll · 26/01/2017 10:47

Is he at school now OP? If so, please go and get him now. Sorry if you have already mentioned whether he is or not.

Carollocking · 26/01/2017 10:49

Homeschooling gas hot yo be one of your only options I'd say

Carollocking · 26/01/2017 10:50

Got to be

mumto3boysHE · 26/01/2017 10:50

Don't send him back to school. His mental health and happiness are much more important than education at this moment in time. He needs to feel safe before he can learn properly anyway.

The school will try to make things better but that takes time. It happened to my middle DS in year 5. Our school said they would deal with it but because it had been going on for such a long time it would take a long time before it got better. I said that wasn't good enough. How could I send him in each day, knowing what he was going through, waiting for him to say 'today was bearable mum!' No way!

We pulled him out that day. He's been home educated ever since. He's now 17 and at college enjoying his course and doing some GCSEs alongside. And he's happy (well, as happy as a 17yo usually is!)

As an aside, our eldest came out of school 6 months later, in year 8, due to rubbish pastoral care at his grammar school. And then our youngest decided to do the same in year 7 (because he knew he could - no problems at school).

All 3 are well-adjusted, happy and are in work and/or college with absolutely no ill-effects from their lack of 'schooling'. They have had lots of education though.

Most important thing to do is keep your son safe.
Best wishes to you both

BarbarianMum · 26/01/2017 10:50

Just to add - once he's out of school and had some help I'd give him a big say in what happens next. Being bullied makes you feel helpless and controlled. It will be good for him to get some of that control back.

Aworldofmyown · 26/01/2017 10:51

Agree with other posters and just wanted to say i'm thinking of you both. You can get through this together.

TheWoodlander · 26/01/2017 10:51

I'd take him out of school OP - without a doubt.

There are other options if you can't home educate, look into online schooling, other schools, different transport etc - there is always a way. And thank goodness he told you

MrsWhiteWash · 26/01/2017 10:52

Book a GP appointment an urgent one - even if you can't get him to attend go yourself and see what help they can get him.

Escalate urgently with the school - in writing or e-mail.

Start looking what other schooling options are out there - contact council and other schools and see where there are places - as it's likely this has been going on a while with school. We have a few family friends who found problems disappeared with a new school - despite being told they wouldn't.

I'd keep him off as well and keep a close eye on him.

VeryTattyMum · 26/01/2017 10:52

Some good advice ler but please contact PAPYRUS www.papyrus-uk.org/ and encourage your son to do likewise. Take him out of school and the school management will have to take you seriously and the LEA will move him to another school given the circumstances
Be kind to yourselves this is not his or your fault.

DorcasthePuffin · 26/01/2017 10:53

Your poor boy. I agree with others that you should take the suicide threat seriously and remove him from school - at least for now.

Get support from one of the many anti bullying charities.

As for the school - you might want to remind them that this is homophobic bullying (doesn't matter whether or not your son is gay) and they have a responsibility under the Public Sector Equality Duty to act.

TheSmurfsAreHere · 26/01/2017 10:53

Yep first thing to do is a GP appointment and ask for an urgent referral to CAMHS.
This is someone who has expressed suicidal thoughts. He needs support ASAP.
And protection from the bullies.

I have to say, in paper I would agree with going to see the school etc... but I suspect you will spend quite a bit of time fighting with them and not going anywhere (it's the fact that the first incident last year has been so badly handled that he is now taunted all the time).
So I would look for another school. Out of catchment area so he isn't in contact with those bullies.

Domino20 · 26/01/2017 10:54

Please take him out of school.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 26/01/2017 10:56

I'd pull him from school and home tutor or find another school.

Bauble16 · 26/01/2017 10:56

I'm not surprised he feels so low bless him, kids don't understand the damage they do and teachers should really do more.

If he was my son my first words would be that his happiness and well-being is the most important thing to me, that I will not be sending him back and we will work hard to find another school he genuinely settles at or he can work towards his education another way if need be. He needs to know he won't be forced to tolerate the pain

RoseGoldHippie · 26/01/2017 10:56

Education is not worth this

^^ this! Keep him home and look into your options for home schooling, he won't loose out socially and he can reintergrate when he's a bit older for college/sixth form and all the idiots have grown up/moved on.

for you and your family

MirabelleTree · 26/01/2017 10:57

I'm so sorry. I came in to echo the need to keep a paper trail advice, it's really really important. I'd also be looking at removing belts, dressing gown cords etc

tiggytape · 26/01/2017 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrscaindingle · 26/01/2017 11:04

I am so sorry you are going through this, I've been in your shoes when my eldest DS was 12, similar issues although the school, particularly the year head were fantastic and couldn't have been more helpful and approachable. You have had some really good advice so won't repeat it except to say that the school have massively failed him here.

CAMHS can be a bit hit and miss in my experience but I am sure that just the act of taking him out of school will reduce his stress levels immediately and also his risk. It is great that he can confide in you, my DS is now 16, doing well, he is still a bit on the fringes socially, he has come out at school and I am very proud of how he has come through this.

Don't forget to get some support for yourself too

TataEs · 26/01/2017 11:16

don't send him to school.
he's confided in u, make sure he knows u got his back here.
either look at homeschool, distance learning or a different school.
he'll find his tribe. but he won't find it there.

allowlsthinkalot · 26/01/2017 11:23

Home ed.

Original poster

CareBearsEveryWhere · 26/01/2017 11:30

Thank you so much everyone.

He is at school today - he just got up extra early and got on the non school bus (used his own money for the fare) so I didn't see him this morning. I take my youngest to school (5 miles in the other direction) which is why he has to get the school bus. He told me he used the non school bus sometimes if he needed to be in early but know I realise he was just trying to avoid the other kids.

I've rung the school and they are pulling him out of class immediately. They did seem to be very very concerned and are taking immediate action. They are speaking him to him now and are calling me back shortly so will probably be going to get him soon. Ironically the school got an 'outstanding' ofsted a few months ago so I foolishly thought something like this couldn't happen there. Just hoping they will come through for my son now.

I'm trying to get him a GP appointment but our surgery closes Thurs pm so there is nothing today.

I didn't even think of the gp this morning in my panic so thank you to the posters who mentioned that and CAMHS. This is something I will be looking into closely.

I'm quite happy to keep him home for as long as it takes - but will see what the school are planning for him first before I decide. He will be active in the desicion making so it feels he has some control.

To those that have asked if he's gay - I don't think so. He's told me he's not - and I am a very liberal person with no homophobia so I'm sure he'd feel comfortable telling me if he was. We are very close and He 100% knows it would be absolutely no issue for me - I love him unconditionally. He is just very camp which gives the impression he's gay. It could be something he's struggling with though so that's another avenue I'm going to explore in the form of self help groups etc.

Thank you again for all your help. I will let you know how he is later. I've decided I'm going to collect him whatever I think - I can't bear him out of my sight whilst he's feeling so low.

OP posts:

FireSquirrel · 26/01/2017 11:31

There are a lot of misconceptions about home education but its actually a really great, valid option. Join the home education uk group on Facebook where you will get plenty of advice and support.

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