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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Groomsmen & Wife Deliberately Left quietly to avoid helping

116 replies

nathanielgriff · 25/01/2017 22:26

Hi All,

I'm keen to share an experience at my wedding, that I'm almost hoping I'm the one being unreasonble. I just had a really nice outdoor wedding with a pretty early finish time. I had asked him prior to the event if he'd be able to help put down one of the small marquees before he left, to which he said "sure". (About a 10min job)

I have reason to believe his wife hated the idea of having to stay ANY longer than she wanted and so when she decided she wanted to go at about 9.15pm. They took their opportunity to get up and leave without me noticing, as she thought it would be awkward to say goodbye in light of the fact that my groomsmen had agreed to help with a few packdown jobs.

What really gets to me is his wife never talked to me, or thanked me for the day or a congrats or anything. And her time was obviously so much more important than some basic courtesies. I hadn't expected for anyone to stay longer than they wanted. We didn't even end up packing down that night. But what got me was that I ended up running looking for them and after about 10 min someone told me they had taken off.

It just strikes me as incredibly rude and selfish. As these guys are supposed to be my close friends. I remember at their wedding I helped out all day with music equipment and looked after a few of their items at the end of the night.

I had to explain to my mate that that was quite a stressful thing on my wedding night, because of the intent behind it, and deliberate nature. I was now wondering if I had pushed something on them, etc.

You could liken it to being invited to dinner and quickly running out the back door and not thanking you host for the dinner (that'd be incredibly hurtful)

What's most troubling to me is they gave me quite a bit to digest mentally, on my wedding night, and naturally over the course of my honey moon. I'm a reasonable person and had I known she (or he) felt that strongly about leaving exactly when they wanted I would have made it abundantly clear they were good to leave no matter how early. But instead there was a very out of proportion statement made.

I've not said good bye to people at weddings before, usually cause I'm not that good a friends and I've already said thankyou and congratulations. And it's late at night and I can find them.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/01/2017 08:22

LOL. Get a life. And YABU.

ladymariner · 26/01/2017 08:27

RTFT folks.....op said at the bottom of page 2 they accepted they were being unreasonable, no need to keep piling in.....

expatinscotland · 26/01/2017 08:28

I did RTFT. Still think it's hilariously ridiculous.

cdtaylornats · 26/01/2017 08:32

The rude thing here is "come to the party" coupled with "do you mind doing some manual labour in your nice clothes while your wife stands about" or did you plan to rope her into the washing up.

TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 26/01/2017 08:32

God, you sound demented.

londonrach · 26/01/2017 08:34

You rang him on the morning after your wedding! Wow. You should be just enjoying your wedding night with your husband. I can see why they disappeared. Op you do sound very controlling. Everything was packed away, forget it. Just enjoy your honeymoon and come back all relaxed. Congratulations 💍💒

MrsPringles · 26/01/2017 08:34

This is a bit over dramatic I think, sorry.

A work colleague started an argument at my wedding with my now husband, called my dad a effing dick head and told him go fuck off. tripped me up in my dress constantly, bought a girl with him and was all over her, hands up skirt etc and she then proceeded to tell my mum that she was fat, ugly and old and needed a facelift and that she was a cunt. I'd never met her before.

I was an hour late leaving to go to our hotel, I had my 2yr, teenage step daughter and mum crying. My BIL and my DH trying to get this loser to leave.
Wedding was 4 weeks ago.

So that should give you a bit of perspective on how your problem isn't so bad!

Thinkingblonde · 26/01/2017 08:42

You sound quite controlling: searching for someone for ten minutes, ringing him the following morning to ask why they'd left without saying good bye, wasting valuable shagging time on your wedding night and honeymoon by mulling over the reasons for their early departure.
Your mate wasn't your employee, tasked with the job of taking a marquee down.

AQuietMind · 26/01/2017 08:44

You sound quite obsessive over this 'friend'.

londonrach · 26/01/2017 08:44

Mrs pringle....sounds like an interesting wedding! ⛪️ I know of one wedding where everyone got food poisoning the next day. We couldnt attend and sent apologies. Bride told me when she returned from honeymoon. Not great start to a honeymoon using a plane. Tis the chicken they think. My sisters wedding had two gate crashers who turned out to be great fun and probably made the wedding for half the guests but still. It was a formal seating plan too. That was fun as by the time it was noticed they were seating down and had entertained the guests on several tables my sisters mother in law (shes great) quickly moved a few people around so not to make a fuss.

maras2 · 26/01/2017 08:49

WTF's a Groomsman?

MrsPringles · 26/01/2017 08:54

London
Thankfully this was at the very end (it finished at 12, he turned up at 11 off his face)

Thankfully 95% of the guests had started to depart so not many people know about it; I was livid but now I just can't believe an adult would behave like that in public Confused

Gwenhwyfar · 26/01/2017 08:54

"I have heard this called an English goodbye, an Irish Goodbye and upthread just now it's a French goodbye. "

French goodbye made me laugh because in French this is known as an English goodbye and is considered rude.

Original poster
nathanielgriff · 26/01/2017 08:55

Cool, cool. Don't think people are reading the scenario very well anymore!! :) Thank you for the input. I'm not being difficult :) He wasn't my employee, he's a long time friend who had happy accepted a small job, I don't care he didn't do it...think I was alluding more to the nature of the departure, with out a word.

I was best man at his wedding years ago and he needed my help packing down some speakers and looking after his guitar & laptop. Imagine if I took off early, left his stuff, not doing what I said I was happy to do, and didn't say goodbye.

To reiterate, I was probably asking less than this, he was happy, I bought him his suit. Just came out of blue very early in the night when the schedule finish time was only 45min later. (10pm) not a late wedding.

BTW...I spoke to him today about something completely different, I've invited him and his wife around for lunch in a few weeks. I'm happy to move on, and hold no grudges. All is well...but yes was keen to hear some thoughts, and WHOA I've got them!!! I think you guys are right I shouldn't have called him the next afternoon that was dumb!

Thank you all you've made your points. :) :)

OP posts:
ClaudiaNaughton · 26/01/2017 08:55

An American best man/usher?

Abraiid2 · 26/01/2017 08:55

Sounds like OP is in the US (not that it's relevant, probably). In the UK we call groomsmen 'ushers'.

LowComotion · 26/01/2017 08:59

Am I the only one who thought the OP was a woman for the first 2 pages? Hmm

Gwenhwyfar · 26/01/2017 09:01

"Your mate is now her husband. She comes first for him, and rightly.
Stop contacting him. Concentrate on your own marriage, or it will fail.

Get some new mates, try some women this time. "

What? Are you saying they can't be friends at all now? That's a bit extreme.

summerholsdreamin · 26/01/2017 09:03

Unfortunately shit happens on wedding days. I think you just lucky if at least one thing doesn't happen to piss you off.

We all have the image of everything on the day being perfect and it is upsetting when not everything/everyone is how you wish. Time will put things into perspective and I don't say that lightly --could still happily kill SIL and niece for totally trashing our wedding night hotel room; think packets of coffee and sugar poured over bed, lipstick scrawled over mirrors, all in the name of 'humour' AngryAngryAngry

Gwenhwyfar · 26/01/2017 09:04

Hoppinggreen - did you meant to write what you did?

diddl · 26/01/2017 09:07

Reads to me as if he had never intended to help & therefore didn't say goodbye so that you couldn't question it at the time.

I'd be upset that he didn't say goodbye but I'm guessing he thought that you'd make a scene?

BerylStreep · 26/01/2017 09:10

I think there are some really unpleasant posts on this thread. The OP is a bit miffed that his good friend left his wedding without saying cheerio.

There was nothing to stop the friend saying to the OP that he was tired and leaving.

I remember at my own wedding 15 years ago, having just stepped out the front of the venue to get some air, seeing 2 couples leaving really early together. They clearly didn't expect to see me at the front of the venue, and they looked really shocked to see me. I still feel a bit Hmm that they weren't intending to say goodbye. I think one of the couples had had a row, but even so.

Sciurus83 · 26/01/2017 09:10

You've taken this with very good grace OP, good on you.

summerhols are you for real? Whyyyy?!!

LiefieLiefie · 26/01/2017 09:11

This is why I'm hiring a wedding planner to deal with this stuff on the day. I've been roped in to do jobs at friend's weddings and it is a bit of an inconvenience.

itsmine · 26/01/2017 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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