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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Groomsmen & Wife Deliberately Left quietly to avoid helping

116 replies

nathanielgriff · 25/01/2017 22:26

Hi All,

I'm keen to share an experience at my wedding, that I'm almost hoping I'm the one being unreasonble. I just had a really nice outdoor wedding with a pretty early finish time. I had asked him prior to the event if he'd be able to help put down one of the small marquees before he left, to which he said "sure". (About a 10min job)

I have reason to believe his wife hated the idea of having to stay ANY longer than she wanted and so when she decided she wanted to go at about 9.15pm. They took their opportunity to get up and leave without me noticing, as she thought it would be awkward to say goodbye in light of the fact that my groomsmen had agreed to help with a few packdown jobs.

What really gets to me is his wife never talked to me, or thanked me for the day or a congrats or anything. And her time was obviously so much more important than some basic courtesies. I hadn't expected for anyone to stay longer than they wanted. We didn't even end up packing down that night. But what got me was that I ended up running looking for them and after about 10 min someone told me they had taken off.

It just strikes me as incredibly rude and selfish. As these guys are supposed to be my close friends. I remember at their wedding I helped out all day with music equipment and looked after a few of their items at the end of the night.

I had to explain to my mate that that was quite a stressful thing on my wedding night, because of the intent behind it, and deliberate nature. I was now wondering if I had pushed something on them, etc.

You could liken it to being invited to dinner and quickly running out the back door and not thanking you host for the dinner (that'd be incredibly hurtful)

What's most troubling to me is they gave me quite a bit to digest mentally, on my wedding night, and naturally over the course of my honey moon. I'm a reasonable person and had I known she (or he) felt that strongly about leaving exactly when they wanted I would have made it abundantly clear they were good to leave no matter how early. But instead there was a very out of proportion statement made.

I've not said good bye to people at weddings before, usually cause I'm not that good a friends and I've already said thankyou and congratulations. And it's late at night and I can find them.

OP posts:

MsGameandWatch · 25/01/2017 23:46

Is this for real? If it is then you sound terribly hard work. I would have left to.

LALALALALAND · 25/01/2017 23:46

When was this? A marquee in the winter in the Uk?

SantaClausMortificado · 25/01/2017 23:51

Sorry I think I was a bit harsh in my previous post - mostly because I had to deal with my cousin annoying everyone!

If you are right he'd agreed to help (and I still think you are unreasonable to expect manual work out of guests) think your friend was unreasonable not to be direct and tell you he didn't want to/wasn't able/didn't have time to do it.

But people really don't ask your guests to do your manual labour at a wedding. It's really ungracious and very cheap.

GabsAlot · 25/01/2017 23:55

maybe he just got more tired than he thought he would at that time and wanted to scoot off and felt embarrased by it

BillSykesDog · 25/01/2017 23:59

Be honest OP. You knew his wife wanted to leave early and you were pissed off about it so you gave him a job which meant he had to stay to the bitter end. If I was his wife I would have been mighty pissed off and thought that you were making a big point about him doing what you wanted and not what she wanted. Knowing that his wife wanting to leave you really shouldn't have asked him to do that job forcing her to stay when she didn't want to.

ApplePaltrow21 · 26/01/2017 00:05

It sounds like you feel possessive over this man and his time and his wife is drawing lines to tell you to back off.

Original poster

nathanielgriff · 26/01/2017 00:07

Haha thread closed!! Joking.

I'm that much of a bas to spite my mates wife like that. I hadn't expected him to stay to anytime, I had simply asked if he could pack down a small marquee before leaving.

My feelings at the time were considering he agreed, there was no particular time expectation, he could have at the very least said good bye being my mate of 10 + years. That's all...

Maybe I didn't explain pickle very well...which is a good point because my communication skills aren't very good and he may have interpreted my "Expectations" incorrectly....and sure! if him and his wife thought they were "expected" to be around to late in the night then they are right to be a bit annoyed any leave.

I hadn't "expected" anything of them..but he had happy agreed to help with a small job before he left and it resulted in him and his wife "sneaking" away.

OP posts:

UnderbeneathsiesTheMistletoe · 26/01/2017 00:11

Congrats on your marriage OP.

You are really kidding yourself if you think your friendship with this groomsman is going on as before.
His wife thinks you've overstepped the line, and is asserting her ownership of him. She took him off helping you out as she has other plans for him, and was tired of being at your wedding.

I think if you want your marriage and his to be successful you need to stop asking him for favours, and ringing him asking him if he's ok, just after your own wedding, wtf?

TBH you do sound very immature and young, so maybe you don't really get how much you're annoying his wife.
Concentrate on your own marriage and let him and his wife do the same.

Don't overthink it or get huffy, because you married your groom, and she married hers. Back off and water the grass you're standing on. Your relationship with her husband sounds quite frankly intense and weird on your side. Time to let go and move on.

SantaClausMortificado · 26/01/2017 00:14

It sounds like you feel possessive over this man

Oooh! The plot thickens. Was he the "one that got away" OP? Did you spend your honeymoon thinking about him - not because he left - but because you wished he was on honeymoon with you instead of your groom? Did his wife whisk him away because she feared at the point they say "does anyone know of any impediment why these two should not be married" that he would leap up and say "Yes I was in love with the bride until she asked me to take down her f-ing marquee"" and she wanted him out of there before he confessed his true thoughts?

(This reminds of those problem pages where someone writes in saying "I hate my neighbour's barking dog what can I do? and the answer is "I know you say it's about the dog, but really let's look at your relationship with your father)

Original poster

nathanielgriff · 26/01/2017 00:17

UnderbeneathsiesTheMistletoe - I am a bit immature, yes! One thing I try to do though is listen to good advice. You may have just given the best insight yet! Maybe it's me who owes his wife an apology for inadvertenly placing she would seem as unfair expectations. OR maybe I should just leave it!

All taken on board. I'm a bit shocked actually. I feel like a winging little cry baby now!! :)

As for calling my friend the next day, probably not that weird, we are just very good mates. More like later that afternoon, when I was back at the in laws...

OP posts:

MsGameandWatch · 26/01/2017 00:19

Unless that marquee was in fact a two person camping tent, there is no way this was a small easy job. I'm afraid such a request would have really put a dampener on the evening for me and I would have not wanted to stick around either. I bet he was bitching to his wife about it and she said "oh come on let's just go!" And off they went.

AmeliaJack · 26/01/2017 00:22

Ok so to summarise:

You are annoyed that your friend didn't do a ten minute job which in the end you decided not to do anyway?

This is worth being slightly peeved for about two minutes. Certainly not worth lots of overthinking on your honeymoon.

They were rude to leave without saying goodbye but perhaps one of them was ill or had another valid reason to leave and they didn't want to break into a conversation to say why.

Even if it was just plain rudeness it's his rudeness not hers. He made the arrangement not her.

However once again it's only worth two minutes of being peeved.

In life there are people that are reliable helpers and there are others who are not. I'm usually to be found washing up at the end of a party, my eldest sibling usually swans out the door with a cheery goodbye.

Araminta99 · 26/01/2017 00:23

His wife was probably tired after a long day. A wedding can be really draining for guests; the bride and groom have adrenaline to keep them going. It's very odd that you let this bother you over the honeymoon!

AmeliaJack · 26/01/2017 00:23

Don't for goodness sake apologise to them, you are making this into a huge* deal and it's really, really not.

UnderbeneathsiesTheMistletoe · 26/01/2017 00:26

Don't contact his wife. Just let it go and move on.

Your mate is now her husband. She comes first for him, and rightly.
Stop contacting him. Concentrate on your own marriage, or it will fail.

Get some new mates, try some women this time.
Grow up a bit. Good luck.

Original poster

nathanielgriff · 26/01/2017 00:31

MsGameandWatch - It was a 10min job. :) I did it myself the next day. That's not why I was annoyed.

Plenty has been said, and taken on board. Perhaps i'm dramatic, I'm GLAD to hear it from other people. I mean that! I haven't bothered my new wife with my thoughts encase they were OTT, evidently they were.

Good, thoughts, and it helps someone like me to put it into better perspective, when it comes from someone independent.

Thankyou. I certainly don't hold grudges and I forget things fairly quickly.

Maybe this was just issue in my head!

OP posts:

paxillin · 26/01/2017 01:12

Phew, I thought the groomsman left with YOUR wife. Leaving with his wife is fine.

NeedaFanjob · 26/01/2017 01:17

Is he the only friend that could have helped? Blimey let it go mate.... People will be thinking you married the wrong person ;-)

AmeliaJack · 26/01/2017 01:17

You haven't bothered your new wife with something that upset you throughout your whole honeymoon and enough to start a thread about??!!

This is exactly the kind of stuff you are supposed to bother your wife about!!

NeedaFanjob · 26/01/2017 01:28

If my husband bothered me about something like this I'd be distraught and thinking I had made a terrible mistake :-O

AmeliaJack · 26/01/2017 01:38

Not if he simply said "I'm pretty annoyed with X and his wife - what do you think?" Needa

Original poster

nathanielgriff · 26/01/2017 01:44

I didn't expect this thread to go this long! However, I think my interests lied in ensuring my wife enjoyed her honeymoon as much as possible, and my thinking was that, "she doesn't need to hear my thoughts right now!"

And for the record she is an incredible listener and supporter and so this kind of thing wouldn't annoy her in the least, I've mentioned it to her in almost that exact way since. Just a couple of times :)

This was a few weeks ago.

OP posts:

Surreyblah · 26/01/2017 07:19

"Packdown" is a great word!

Hoppinggreen · 26/01/2017 07:56

I'm really sorry you were bummed on your wedding night.

wurlycurly · 26/01/2017 08:06

I think it was rude of them to leave without saying goodbye. I'm surprised that people think it's fair enough to leave a wedding without saying thanks. It's not a house party.

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