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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Groomsmen & Wife Deliberately Left quietly to avoid helping

116 replies

nathanielgriff · 25/01/2017 22:26

Hi All,

I'm keen to share an experience at my wedding, that I'm almost hoping I'm the one being unreasonble. I just had a really nice outdoor wedding with a pretty early finish time. I had asked him prior to the event if he'd be able to help put down one of the small marquees before he left, to which he said "sure". (About a 10min job)

I have reason to believe his wife hated the idea of having to stay ANY longer than she wanted and so when she decided she wanted to go at about 9.15pm. They took their opportunity to get up and leave without me noticing, as she thought it would be awkward to say goodbye in light of the fact that my groomsmen had agreed to help with a few packdown jobs.

What really gets to me is his wife never talked to me, or thanked me for the day or a congrats or anything. And her time was obviously so much more important than some basic courtesies. I hadn't expected for anyone to stay longer than they wanted. We didn't even end up packing down that night. But what got me was that I ended up running looking for them and after about 10 min someone told me they had taken off.

It just strikes me as incredibly rude and selfish. As these guys are supposed to be my close friends. I remember at their wedding I helped out all day with music equipment and looked after a few of their items at the end of the night.

I had to explain to my mate that that was quite a stressful thing on my wedding night, because of the intent behind it, and deliberate nature. I was now wondering if I had pushed something on them, etc.

You could liken it to being invited to dinner and quickly running out the back door and not thanking you host for the dinner (that'd be incredibly hurtful)

What's most troubling to me is they gave me quite a bit to digest mentally, on my wedding night, and naturally over the course of my honey moon. I'm a reasonable person and had I known she (or he) felt that strongly about leaving exactly when they wanted I would have made it abundantly clear they were good to leave no matter how early. But instead there was a very out of proportion statement made.

I've not said good bye to people at weddings before, usually cause I'm not that good a friends and I've already said thankyou and congratulations. And it's late at night and I can find them.

OP posts:

mambono5 · 25/01/2017 22:57

they gave me quite a bit to digest mentally, on my wedding night, and naturally over the course of my honey moon

Sorry?

I can't help feeling sorry for your partner if in the middle of your wedding and honeymoon you are making a bit deal out of THAT! A friend said he would help, then he left early. Maybe he meant well and didn't want to attract attention, maybe he was tired/ ill/drunk/ horny. A bit rude possibly, but hardly the crime of the century. Some people are not reliable, it's irritating, but you don't ask them for anything again. This is so not worth brooding during your honeymoon!

DameSquashalot · 25/01/2017 22:57

It is a bit dramatic. I did think it was a bit rude at first, but as I read on it became more drama than anything else. Were you really thinking about it on your honeymoon?

mimishimmi · 25/01/2017 22:58

YABU..: he probably had a long day and it's not normal to get your guests to pack up. You hire events people to do this. Anyway, you didn't even end up packing up so you were expecting him to hang around for nothing. You sound very demanding.

Surreyblah · 25/01/2017 23:00

They were rude but your reactions were, and still are, OTT. Going looking for him - odd. Ringing him to "check he was alright" was passive aggressive. Having a lot to digest" to do with a friend's behaviour - you just got married!

Oysterbabe · 25/01/2017 23:02

Well I guess the wife thought it would be awkward because you're quite weird and dramatic and might have made a fuss about them leaving early?

RortyCrankle · 25/01/2017 23:02

Nothing like making a drama out of.... err a non drama.

MyWineTime · 25/01/2017 23:03

It's perfectly reasonable to not say goodbye when you are leaving early - it could well be awkward.
And maybe was tired!!
You haven't clarified anything that has made me think differently - you really are over-thinking this.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 25/01/2017 23:04

You had to digest this on your wedding night and over your honeymoon?! You sound very over dramatic! Maybe this is why the wife didn't want to say goodbye. It was rude of them but there is nothing to digest here.

GiddyGiddyGoat · 25/01/2017 23:06

This is really what you want to focus on and remember from your wedding?? Really? You sound bonkers.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 25/01/2017 23:06

Maybe she was poorly. Or maybe she is a cow. Either is plausible.

BUT as the bride and groom, you are meant to be thanking them for attending, not vice versa, surely?

Floralnomad · 25/01/2017 23:07

Rest assured you are the one being unreasonable and a complete drama llama , it's no wonder they didn't tell you they were leaving early they were probably concerned about the scene it would have caused .

SplendorSolis · 25/01/2017 23:08

Depending on when you'd asked him to help with the marquee maybe he'd had a couple of drinks and forgot. Maybe he or his wife or both were tired/bored/not feeling well/drunk and decided to leave at a point you were busy with other guests or they couldn't find you or didn't want to make a big exit and just slipped away. I've done that before and no big deal has been made of it.
You say the wife said nothing to you all day, did you make a point of speaking to her as befits the host of the event? Sometimes it's not possible for guests to get near the happy couple as they get mobbed by others but then, most weddings I've been at, the couple knows this and makes the effort to get around to all the guests briefly to thank them for coming, ask how they're doing, if everything was ok with the food, refreshments etc?
Honestly, if you're not miffed about the guy staying to help with the tear down ands that's what it comes over like, you're giving this too much headroom especially if you let it bother you on your honeymoon. I'd let it go.

Haffdonga · 25/01/2017 23:08

Maybe he was drunk. Maybe she had a heavy period. Maybe they didn't like the music. Maybe they'd had enough of watching your Aunty Mavis twerking. Maybe they were bored. Maybe you were wrapped in your new husband's arms and they didn't want to spoil the moment.

Who knows? There are a million reasons why they left your wedding without coming to find you to say goodbye. The fact that you spent your honeymoon obsessing over it seems a very strange order of priorities.

Does your dh know that you're so concerned about where the groomsman went? Is he bothered? Is he bothered that you're bothered?

Forget it.

Prettybaffled · 25/01/2017 23:08

Obviously I am non mainstream like op. But if I agreed to be an usher and help to clear things away at the end of the wedding I would:

Stay until everything was cleared away

Say goodnight to the groom

MrsDustyBusty · 25/01/2017 23:10

Well since you rang and he clearly said he didn't want to pack up, there's your answer. He slipped out the back in case you asked again. Nothing to ponder.

wigglesrock · 25/01/2017 23:16

there was a very out of proportion statement made yes by you the minute you rang the morning after your wedding.

SantaClausMortificado · 25/01/2017 23:17

It just strikes me as incredibly rude and selfish.

I think you are being totally unreasonable. This seems to be a modern trend - people doing weddings a bit "on the cheap" and demanding expecting their friends to do this. You are the rude and selfish one expecting free labour.

A cousin of mine did this recently - on a blazing hot day - expecting all her friends and the grooms friends to do everything - carry heavy benches in and out of a marquee, sort out this, sort out that.

I'm sorry but absolutely fuck that. If you invite GUESTS you invite them as guests. Fine the bridesmaid, best man have some duties - but these are things like showing the guests to their seats, organising a hen/stag night and making sure the ring is there. It not manual labour or grunt work.

It is utterly utterly unreasonable to expect grunt work to be done by your mates so you can have a cheaper wedding and avoid paying for labour.

If you can't afford it, invite fewer people or do something different. Your friend is not your pack horse.

For what's it's worth, there were a lot of under the breath muttered comments about the cousin expecting all this work to be done but not lift a finger herself - like Lady Muck.

Get over it.

AshesandDust · 25/01/2017 23:19

If I was in my best fancy get up with my other half all dapper and smart at a wedding I'd be more than a bit miffed if he was expected to do any of the packing up donkey work. I'd just leave quietly same as they did.

Original poster

nathanielgriff · 25/01/2017 23:19

Hey good thoughts. I was kinda hoping I'd be told to harden up.

No I wasn't deliberately thinking about it on my honeymoon. I guess I'm the kind of person who just thinks about things a lot! :) There is something to be said in that me and his wife have never really gotten along.

But I guess I was also quite concerned as I thought suddenly, that maybe I had burdened them unreasonably with a packdown request.

But hey, I think the votes are in!!

For the record, I have spoken to him several times already, the friendship will go on without an issue. But good to hear other peoples thoughts!

OP posts:

DontTouchTheMoustache · 25/01/2017 23:30

Op I hope you don't mind me asking but is English your first language? The only reason I ask is that the language you use does come.across quite dramatic but actually if English is not your first language it may perhaps be more of a transaction issue making it sound more dramatic than you intend? I may be completely off the mark, so apologies if so, I am just curious.

MyNameIsThis17 · 25/01/2017 23:31

How many people did you invite to your wedding ?

Did you really have to pack everything away on the same day as the wedding or could it have waited until the next day ?

Did the groom travel a long distance to attend your wedding and had he been up early, perhaps he was tired and did not want to wait until the end of the wedding to help with the packing up

In 5+ years time do you want this to be your memory of your wedding ?
Surely you should be remembering celebrating the day with your family and friends

ITCouldBeWorse · 25/01/2017 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Liiinoo · 25/01/2017 23:40

I have heard this called an English goodbye, an Irish Goodbye and upthread just now it's a French goodbye. Whatever nationality defines it, I am sometimes guilty of it, usually because I suddenly realise that either me or DP have drunk too much and should sneak off before we make a fool of ourselves or otherwise spoil the party.

Whatever the reason my internal thought process is along the lines of 'there are loads of other people here so my lovely host won't notice we have gone'. I was most surprised a couple of years ago when a chance remark from a mate made me realise I had a reputation for this. Luckily no-one seems to be holding a grudge and we are all still friends. Nowadays I am making much more of an effort to say proper goodbyes.

I wouldn't lose any more sleep over this one. There could be a million reasons for them sneaking off early and on balance it is unlikely it was sinister or personal. I hope you got the marquee down ok.

Original poster

nathanielgriff · 25/01/2017 23:41

I'm happy to take that on board, (Overdramatic)

Again, I should clarify, i wasn't a full pack down on the night, (there was a crew for that the next day) so I wasn't trying to put all mates to work to be cheap or anything. I certainly had "Expected" anything of them. There were just a few smaller marquees that belonged to me, I thought it would have been a fairly minor request on the night.

Just felt a bit bummed on the night that my close friends had taken their chance to slip away, as I was particularly accessible, and it was quite early and all that. I was told it deliberate. That's all.

I am an overthinker, but that's fair point that if the wife knows me as that, she may have just felt it was for the greater good to not say anything and duck out, rather than creating a scene (which wouldn't have happened). I would have completely understood.

Thanks guys, happy to take your comments on board! :)

OP posts:

Want2bSupermum · 25/01/2017 23:44

I understand why you are very annoyed, especially when you call the next day and found out that he didn't want to help and didn't want to tell you that to your face. That would annoy me.

You put this man in a significant role in your wedding because of your friendship with him and he doesn't bother to say goodbye. I have always thanked the bride and groom for inviting and in turn they have thanked me for attending. It is basic manners.

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