Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU - husbands weekends away

84 replies

Avamh · 25/01/2017 19:38

So I've never posted here before so I hope this thread doesn't take on a life of its own! I just need to know how other mums would feel and be in this situation.

In a few months time my husband is off on a stag do, no problem at all...he's best man and I'm happy for him to have a few nights away abroad. He was then bought tickets for his bday/best man gift for a sporting event in London 4 weeks before the stag do. Again, I've been excited for him as it's a big boxing event and I'm happy he gets to go and experience this.

Then, the weekend before the boxing a birthday party has come up which I said I didn't want to go to, but him and his mates are, so it's another night away.

Now today his mum has bought him tickets to another sporting event in London which falls in the middle of all of this. This is a belated birthday present for him but when it was discussed weeks ago I did say but you're already away a lot. If it was me in that situation, I'd of said leave it mum as I'm away a lot already...but it's a US event which rarely comes to the UK...so is a 'one time' thing.

A total of 4 weekends out of 6 he will be away. Not his fault that all of these things have fallen so close together, but when the 4th thing came up today, I was annoyed and not very impressed.

We have 1 year old twins so for him to not be around on the weekend means I'm flying solo, which is fine most of the time as we both have social lives and he will look after the babies if I want to go out too.

We've had a big arguement which I feel awful about, but one comment he made was most wives would just be happy for him and he does admit it's all rubbish timing...I think I'm being pretty chilled about the 2 events, but 3 and 4 are starting to frustrate me. I'm going away for the hen weekend but I will make sure the weekends before and after will be focused on being home with the family.

Would other wives be cool with all of this or would you be a bit annoyed too? AIBU?

OP posts:

FutureMrsRanj · 25/01/2017 20:10

One year old twins? We're a partnership and dh wouldn't do that, he would miss important events etc which pissed me off but wouldn't have left me when we had two tinies 4 out of 6 weekends

FutureMrsRanj · 25/01/2017 20:12

I didn't mean to sound so smug in that post. In this case I would grudgingly let it go but he would owe me some serious time off/lay ins, probably forever more

Original poster

Avamh · 25/01/2017 20:13

It is 4 weekends with him away, so 3 one nights away and the stag go is four nights away.

I am fine on my own with my children obviously, it's just a lot. I'll probably have some friends stay over to help and then have a girls night in, so I will try to make these weekends some 'me' time too.

What's upset me this evening is the comment on other wives when I think I'm laid back most of the time!

OP posts:

Tryingtostayyoung · 25/01/2017 20:15

See for me this would have to depend on the husband. If this were my headband I can honestly say it wouldn't bother me because he very rarely goes out let alone away so if 4 things came up that he really wanted to go to I would be happy for him to but if my husband went out quite abit anyway I wouldn't be happy

Original poster

Avamh · 25/01/2017 20:16

Yes, he is fine with them on his own, he is really good at having them when I'm out. He hates the term babysitting when used for dads as he sees it as his responsibility too....I'm starting to feel worse thinking I've an arguement over something he didn't really have much control over

OP posts:

EweAreHere · 25/01/2017 20:18

You have 1 year old twins?!

I would not be cool with 4 out of 6 weekends completely away for fun. Work and income-dependent, is one thing. This is just selfish, imo, because everything at home still needs to get done and the little ones need to be looked after and have everything done for/with them, and he's happy for that all to fall on you.

Wolpertinger · 25/01/2017 20:19

I would not be cool with this at all and I don't have one-year-old twins!

Stag event - fine, I would have whinged a bit about why men have to have so long and spend so much money.

Birthday/best man gift - OK - not his fault it's turned out to be shit timing

Next birthday - would have expected him not to go

Tickets from MIL - at this point would have gone apeshit. Also would have expected her to check it was convenient and him to say it wasn't. Or not to go to birthday in order to go.

Would now fully be expecting him not to go away for any weekends for the next 10 months.

Grumpbum · 25/01/2017 20:20

God, wouldn't be bothered in the slightest just like I would not expect my H to be bothered if the roles were reversed

hatethegame · 25/01/2017 20:21

I thought I was going to be cool with it....until you said you had 1 yo twins. Nope. Not ok. Is he going to give you 4 weekends away in return?!

CurlsandCurves · 25/01/2017 20:27

Yes the timing is shit but I'd never tell DH he can't go, if the roles were reversed he wouldn't tell me I can't go somewhere.

That said, I'd be looking into a nice spa day, night away for yourself. We always have the deal if he gets a night away then I get to do something I want in return.

Atenco · 25/01/2017 20:27

With one year old twins I wouldn't be happy

You'll be exhausted by the end of that time.

Saying other wives would be cool sounds like a child saying everyone else's parents allow them.

GloGirl · 25/01/2017 20:28

Bleugh.

If it were my DH I would tell ask him to cancel the birthday party weekend and also ask for him to book some annual leave in the middle of these 6 weeks so he is more able to pick up some of the home slack, 6 weeks with 2 baby/toddlers means you won't be able to get much done to maintain home and laundry etc. If your kids are in childcare I'd also book yourself one or two days off to catch a break midweek instead of at weekend.

BoomBoomsCousin · 25/01/2017 20:33

It sucks OP. I had twins and it's hard work, even at 1 year on. It does seem that things have just got a bit out of hand because of a series of coincidences. I think he's completely wrong that "most wives would just be happy for him." Of course they wouldn't. Even if they let it go and didn't mention it most would still be thinking it was a bit much.

But what are you trying to get out of arguing with him about it? Do you want him to call his mum and turn her down now? Or turn down the party now? Or just acknowledge that he's asking a bit more than is good and commit to being around and taking the brunt of things during the weeks and on the weekends before, after and in between? Because just being upset about it isn't going to help either of you.

user1484226561 · 25/01/2017 20:35

well, I'm a single mother, so really can't see any issue, especially as three of these events consist of only one night on your own!

StillRabbit · 25/01/2017 20:36

My DHs hobby has had him out all day for the last 3 Saturdays, and the next three weekends. It doesn't bother and didn't bother me when the children were small either. I use it as 'me' time. I miss having him around but as he is attentive etc when he is at home he makes up for it....absence makes the heart grow fonder....

Original poster

Avamh · 25/01/2017 20:37

Boomboomscousin I think what I want is him to really acknowledge that he's asking a lot of me and to think that actually he has a wife who is pretty easy going and appreciate that.

I don't want him to cancel anything now, as he'd be doing it because of me, I just wish he'd maybe of said "I'll let my friend know I can't make his bday party as I'm away a lot and it's not fair on you"

I wish I'd never said anything now though as we are both miserable and achieving nothing.

OP posts:

loopylulu80 · 25/01/2017 20:41

It is quite a lot all together but I guess it can't be helped. If it became regular I'd have a problem. Do you have other family who could give you a hand with the twins? Or maybe visit family while he is away?

Whats the US sporting event coming to the UK if you don't mind me asking?

Original poster

Avamh · 25/01/2017 20:45

Loopylulu80 I am lucky to have help from family and friends, so I will have some back up with the babies if I need it.

It's the UFC, which I'm actually kind of jealous he's getting to see without me. He got me into the sport and is now going without me (this isn't why I'm unhappy about the whole situation though!)

OP posts:

Sassenach85 · 25/01/2017 20:50

No I wouldn't be happy in your circumstances and I know my DH would know that before I said anything.

I think if he is to go to all 4 he needs to realise what a big ask it is and show some appreciation about how understanding you are being.

Don't mind admitting that I wouldn't put up with that but you seem a lot more easy going than me

BoomBoomsCousin · 25/01/2017 20:51

Perhaps you need to be a little less chill, because this is bothering you. And you aren't wrong. He is kidding himself (and undervaluing you) if he thinks most wives would not feel like it was asking a lot having 4 out of 6 weekends with two 1 year olds while he goes off on a bunch of jollies.

ThroneofJudgypants · 25/01/2017 20:54

My husband tried the other wives thing with me once.

Other wives blah blah.

Me: do you want to be married to one of those other wives?

Him: no

Me: shut up then. You're married to me and I am not ok with it. That's the only thing that's relevant.

I told him it's a silencing technique and I won't tolerate it.

SouthWindsWesterly · 25/01/2017 20:57

His remark was made in a denfensice manner. He knows that it's a bit much for 4/6 weekends to be away but as you said, it's shit timing.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/01/2017 20:57

It's shit timing.
But as he's ordinarily fine, I'd let it go.
But, I'm not sure what your working situation is, but could he maybe take the Friday off work on one of the weekends he goes, so that you may have a break?

EurusHolmesViolin · 25/01/2017 20:58

Wouldn't be impressed either. I'd expect him not to go to the birthday and probably to have told his mum not to bother with the tickets given your previous conversation, though now she's got them it would be more trouble than it's worth to change things.

MerryMarigold · 25/01/2017 21:00

I would see if he can get some annual leave during the week sometime in the middle of all this, to help you out and give you a break. I have had twins too and and it is hard. The weekends, when dh was around, were like gold dust.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread