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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to drive?

89 replies

Albatross26 · 25/01/2017 15:01

background - learned to drive at 17/18, failed four tests mainly due to extreme nerves and not being very good at manoeuvres. I lived in the sticks then so it seemed more important

Am now 30 and still don't drive but live somewhere where everything is accessible. Not hugely bothered by it, happy to cycle etc. DP has really been making a thing of me not driving, saying why wont I take a test as it would make things much easier. I kind of see his point in that he drives everywhere but I don't ask for lifts, we have no dc to ferry around etc. Feel like I'm being pressured to do it just for his benefit. The tests I did do I found horribly traumatic and I doubt I'd ever be able to pass a test anyway, they must be much harder now! AIBU and should I try it or just stay as I am?

OP posts:

minionsrule · 25/01/2017 22:34

My DH didn't drive when I met him. He later passed his test but didn't like my car and its heavy clutch so never drove. We then got a second car, an automatic which he drove to work but didn't drive at weekends. The need for second car diminished so went back to one which I drove (still the automatic) and again DH didn't drive for about 3 years.
Moral is, I ended up doing all the driving all the time. Mostly I didn't mind it but when he was 'out of practice of driving' it did niggle me when he wanted something from the shops and it was always me who had to go out. Or it was me doing all the driving on holiday.
He is back driving again and we have 2 cars now..... I still drive most of the time but he is more likely to take DS somewhere on his own on the weekends, or he is happy to take DS to activities if I am busy.
In short, I can see that you don't need to drive based on where you live, but it would be nice for your DH if you could

SheepyFun · 25/01/2017 22:57

I can drive, but avoid it where possible. We have a cargo trike which I use daily - that gives you some idea of how enthusiastically I avoid driving (we have a family car which is nearly always at my disposal).

However 3 years ago, DH got ill. He'll never be fully better, but is doing well atm. But intermittently for about 2 years, he could barely walk anywhere - there were days when walking to the car on our driveway was a struggle. Before falling ill, he'd cycled the 2 miles to work. Suddenly he couldn't do that. But he was able to keep his job, which has made our lives enormously easier. That's the kind of scenario being able to drive helps protect you against - and we live in a city with reasonable public transport. But he couldn't have walked to the bus stops. So I'd suggest you rethink, for your sake, not DP's.

Incidentally, my DH is a much better driver than me, but can't remember how many tests he took. He estimates 5-7. So it's worth another try!

littledinaco · 25/01/2017 23:02

He's the one making the suggestion of a weekend walk and then he's got to drive you there and back. Even if you've not 'asked' to go, I can see how it would grate on him.
It can feel a bit like being with a child to have to be the one to suggest days out and then to never share the driving. It can just feel a bit relentless and suffocating after a while.
Imagine if DP never cooked a thing and refused to learn. He didn't ever expect you to cook for him (he was happy to eat out by himself all the time) and never asked or made a suggestion to eat together but it was always left to you to say 'ooooh do you fancy a nice steak/roast tonight'? but knowing it was ALWAYS down to you to cook it! I imagine after a while you would get resentful and think OMG just learn to cook will you!
This obviously might not be the case at all for your DP but it sounds like it's bothering him in some way for him to mention it.

llangennith · 25/01/2017 23:13

My DM was lazy about learning to drive saying she didn't need to drive as DF was her chauffeur. She was widowed at 50 and suddenly life changed. She had years of driving lessons then gave up. Shopping was a real problem for her and her social activities like daytime tennis fizzled out.
I have friends who never learnt to drive and are now widowed and regretting not being able to drive.
Have lessons. However long it takes. But do persevere till you have your full licence.
BTW I absolutely hated each and every driving lesson but I was determined to get my licence.

Dumpedabroad · 26/01/2017 00:21

Me or DH don't drive and we have 4 kids.
It's not necessary.

Dumpedabroad · 26/01/2017 00:22

X DH.

But we both do childcare and its never been a real problem.

CantChoose · 26/01/2017 00:47

littledinaco I think that cooking analogy is a good one.
I'd never have a relationship with someone who couldn't drive. My DH does almost all the driving as he likes it but I always offer. It wouldn't feel equal otherwise. (usual medical reason exemptions etc. apply, of course)

gleam · 26/01/2017 01:05

I drive everyday. It's ok, I guess, but I don't find it 'freeing'. 😂😂😂 I'd never drive to another city, that's what trains are for.

I'm also looking forward to hovercars driverless cars.

ApplePaltrow21 · 26/01/2017 01:05

So you seem to be drip feeding that he's pushy (abusive?) because you got negative comments. Also making weirdly ableist statements.

If you feel he's pushy, leave him.

But that has nothing to do with driving.

rightsaidfrederickII · 26/01/2017 01:31

YANBU

I passed my test, and have never driven since - not once. This is despite that I travel a lot, UK-wide, for work. As I live near a train station and have a bike, I have no need for a car, though very occasionally a taxi will be necessary for part of the journey (visiting a remote area; very rarely making a journey specifically to move something too bulky / heavy)

Pat yourself on the back for not driving - just think about all the good you're doing for the environment, for air pollution, for congestion... really, you're doing society a favour by not driving. And your wallet... I dread to think what driving must cost once you've taken into account insurance, MoT, VED, repairs, petrol, parking, RPZ, congestion charge... it can't be worth it!

Sybis · 26/01/2017 01:33

I passed my test at 18, am now in my 30s but haven't actually owned a car. When I lived in the UK, my commute to work was faster and cheaper by train than it would have been by car. A car would have been appreciated for day trips in the summer, but felt like a huge expense for how little bit it would have been used.

Public transport is pretty excellent where we are now (Vancouver) - again, we would only really use a car on rare occasions in the summer (and have done rentals and there are car-sharing schemes that we might look into too).

Depending on where you live and work, a car can either be a luxury or a necessity, and it feels like the former to us currently.

BumDNC · 26/01/2017 01:35

My mum doesn't drive and it drives us all bonkers. It does restrict certain things but I appreciate she just doesn't want to. I just wish she did!

glitterazi · 26/01/2017 01:43

YANBU, I'm nearly 40 and still can't drive. I've taken plenty of lessons over the years though since turning 17.
Something's always come up though to cancel the following through of lessons.
Whether it be starting college/uni and not physically having the money to hand to carry on with lessons as suddenly had bills to pay.
To re-taking them as a heavily pregnant adult who stopped again near birth for whatever reason.

glitterazi · 26/01/2017 01:45

Forgot to add I can walk everywhere now. loads of places within walking distance.

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