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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to drive?

89 replies

Albatross26 · 25/01/2017 15:01

background - learned to drive at 17/18, failed four tests mainly due to extreme nerves and not being very good at manoeuvres. I lived in the sticks then so it seemed more important

Am now 30 and still don't drive but live somewhere where everything is accessible. Not hugely bothered by it, happy to cycle etc. DP has really been making a thing of me not driving, saying why wont I take a test as it would make things much easier. I kind of see his point in that he drives everywhere but I don't ask for lifts, we have no dc to ferry around etc. Feel like I'm being pressured to do it just for his benefit. The tests I did do I found horribly traumatic and I doubt I'd ever be able to pass a test anyway, they must be much harder now! AIBU and should I try it or just stay as I am?

OP posts:

Astella22 · 25/01/2017 17:57

I think YABU. You are getting the benefit of being driven for a big shop without any of the risk or annoyance involved. Maybe do your big shop online and you pay the delivery each week or maybe agree to upgrade airline seats when you travel together. It might help him to feel less annoyed going forward.

fussychica · 25/01/2017 18:08

People who don't drive (including me), constantly have to justify why they don't. People wouldn't expect you to do that about your lack of any other skill. I admit that there are times when I wish I did drive and do fear how I'd get on if something happened to my DH but most of the time I am quite happy that I don't. No doubt many mumsnetters will say that's very selfish, never mind, I'll get over it

Screwinthetuna · 25/01/2017 18:14

You aren't being selfish. Some people just don't want to drive, it's not like you've decided to take a stance and never walk again.

I passed at 30 though and it really has improved my life. I never felt the desire to drive before 29!

OhMrBadger · 25/01/2017 18:22

YANBU. I am currently learning (I'm 42) and have my test in a couple of weeks. I'm vaguely optimistic but don't expect to pass first time. I still feel nervous when I'm out driving; sort of 'playing with the big boys with no business being there' but I'm getting more confident slowly.

Like a pp said, I can get from A-B but I do not feel confident stopping! I'm rubbish at parking but I know that I'll get there with practice.

It drives me mad when I used to get grief for not driving. Often from people upon whom it has absolutely no impact. In fact the only person with any right to be annoyed with me is DH and he is bring very supportive.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 25/01/2017 18:43

I think you should learn but for yourself. It just gives you so much more freedom. If it's stressing you out then you need a new instructor. Take your time and be sure of what you're doing.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 25/01/2017 18:59

My DH doesn't drive. I do. We live somewhere with excellent transport links.

Is it slightly irritating I have to do all the driving? Yes. Enough to force him to drive when there is no need for a lot of the gear? No.

It was totally the norm to learn where I grew up, but where DH grew up it wasn't and isn't. Inner city kids just don't have that same need. Plus, it is a great life skill to be able to manoeuvre public transport!

Celaena · 25/01/2017 19:08

"I never ask for lifts" - but you never offer one either?

Its not fair if you dont have any disabilities meaning you cant drive, and you dont want to because you are nervous, then you can practise out of that

DeathStare · 25/01/2017 19:13

Could you ask your DP to keep a diary for a month of all the times he drives you (or both of you) somewhere, and all the times you not driving impacts his life without him actually driving you somewhere (eg if he has to pick the dry cleaning up because you don't drive)?

As I said earlier, I agree with you. But maybe this is having a bigger impact on his life than you are actually aware of. If he could keep a diary, at the end of a month you could sit down and review it together and see if that changes anything for either of you.

If you wanted to make it equal you could agree to keep a diary of every time you were inconvenienced by not being able to drive too (even if that had no entries!)

If he's unwilling to actually be specific about the impact on him I think it's fair to say he is being unreasonable

frogsgoladidahdidah · 25/01/2017 19:18

YABU

DH is the same. Kids aside, our weekly recycling trips/shopping/nights out/holidays/visiting family and friends all fall down to me. In the meantime, he is accepting all offers of a glass of wine/beer etc and being ferried about.

All late night garage/takeaway dashes are down to me.

Inc kids, all birthday parties/afterschool activities/medical appointments/school meetings etc etc etc... down to me.

I would love to be at a party and spontaneous accept a beverage. Or kick back and soak in the bath after a hard day, while he popped out to get milk for the morning. I would love to not have to ask others to help because something is too heavy/big for me to take to the tip/collect from IKEA etc etc, because if I can't do it, he has to come which means all the kids have to come. Which often means the job can't be done.

And the longer it goes on, and the more I see my future as 'taxiwife', the more resentful I get.

Not that he understands this. How can you miss something you never had?

Selfish prick

MargaretCavendish · 25/01/2017 19:21

To be honest I think it's pretty rich that you're calling him pushy while you quite openly say that you have the only valid view on what does or does not inconvenience him! No, he's not being 'selfish' to want you to be able to do this equally - selfish would be if neither of you drove and he insisted that you learnt because he didn't want to. He just wants you to do what he does. And your point about 'he'd have to drive to the shops if he were single' is ridiculous. If I were single I'd do my own washing up every night, so is it OK for my husband to never do it on that basis?

gluteustothemaximus · 25/01/2017 19:23

I don't drive. I don't want to. DH doesn't think I'm selfish. He also doesn't see it as 'giving me a lift'. We just go out as a family?!

Vandree · 25/01/2017 19:33

I'm 35 and will have to sit my test this year. I'd rather not! I am quite an anxious learner and find it very stressful. Could work myself into having a migraine just thinking about a lesson. I have been a passenger in two car accidents, one where the pedestrian was thrown onto our car by a learner driver coming the other way through a red light. It was an awful accident and traumatic at the time sitting with the lady who was knock down and we learned that she died after reaching hospital. I was in my early 20's at the time and still find myself thinking about it. Not just the lady who died but the young learner driver and the impact it must have had on her life.

But I have 3 children and now they are getting older it would be handy to drive. We are 10 minutes from the school, playcentres, church, doctor, dentist, shops, shopping centre, afterschool clubs and parks and 20 minutes from the city centre, hospitals and airport so we have coped until now completely fine and without relying on anyone or lifts. When I worked it was in the centre of town and university was a bus ride away also so I never needed to drive. I do however wish I had learnt before I had children. Its taken 8 years of lessons starting and stopping and rubbish instructors, pregnancies and not being able to walk much less drive that its made me even more anxious.

I'm getting my own little car in march. We have an automatic 7 seater with the turning circle of a barge so I am getting a little automatic micra and after finding a fantastic instructor that I trust and makes me very calm I am looking forward to doing a bit of driving. Probably wont with the kids for ages as I would be so nervous with them in the car. Don't let yourself be pressured into anything, learn in your own time. Find an instructor you like and try an automatic. If you plan on having kids in the future then do it before or you will find it even harder to learn.

hungryhippo90 · 25/01/2017 19:35

it really depends on if you think youll find driving to be helpful to you? if you wont get use out of driving, then theres little point in doing it.

I want to add my few pence of experience though. I started learning to drive at 17, it was horrific. I started to try to learn again at 22/23 again quite horrific.
At the age of 25 I was DESPERATE to learn. I really felt that I needed to learn. I found the right instructor and passed both my theory and the actual driving test first go.

I am hugely proud, and it has made a huge difference to my life. I wouldnt have done it if it wouldnt have made a huge difference to me though.

Original poster

Albatross26 · 25/01/2017 20:07

At no point have I said I have the only valid view on what would or wouldn't inconvenience him, I've said he's given me no real reasons he would want me to do it. I've said he's been a bit pushy, not that nothing he's saying is valid.
deathstare a diary is a constructive idea, thanks :)

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 25/01/2017 20:08

For me, driving was invaluable when ended up with dc with sn. Lots of hospital, some an hour drive away. Dh would have lost his job if he had to take time off and there was no one else.

Not essential but very very handy

ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/01/2017 20:27

I passed on my 7th attempt at age 20.

Do it.

It's great for your self-esteem not to have to rely on anyone else. And less hassle for your DH.

Jellykat · 25/01/2017 20:44

It sounds like you're quite happy as you are, and if you think learning is going to stress you out, save your money and don't do it

Cycling is keeping you fit, and believe me, not everyone is cut out to be a driver!

pinkhorse · 25/01/2017 21:11

My mum doesn't drive. My dad recently broke his arm. They were both unable to get to work without my sister driving them there then picking them up after. At the weekend when my sister was at work they were both stuck in the house. It was awful. My dad ended up with depression and my mum felt really really guilty.

littledinaco · 25/01/2017 21:37

Do you go out together in the car much (holidays, days out, shopping, etc)?
If you do, I can understand from DP point of view that's it's really frustrating to be the only driver and not ever have the option of the other person driving just once, if your tired or feeling a bit unwell, etc.
Is he always the one to do the big shop or do you often do it and get a taxi back?

I know you say you never ask for lifts, etc and it's not putting him out but it seems strange for him to go on about it so much so it must be causing him some kind or resentment/extra work.

switswoo81 · 25/01/2017 21:57

My dad is a driving instructor. He has taught people of all ages to drive every one comes to him with a different life story. Recently he has taught a woman in her 50's who lived rurally whose husband passed suddenly, a man whose licence lapsed for 15 years after his son died in an accident and a heavily pregnant lady whose baby was due the week after her test.
My point is at this stage in your life you don't need to but never say never , you may need to you may not. Nothing has time decided right now.
I don't think yabu.

Original poster

Albatross26 · 25/01/2017 22:07

Shopping wise we don't do big shops much, I tend to pick stuff up a few times a week as shops are close by. Sometimes we might do a weekend walk and drive somewhere but usually at his suggestion. Has only mentioned it very recently, first time in five years. May look at doing theory test again to get that done then can think about the other stuff later

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InvisibleKittenAttack · 25/01/2017 22:13

It's not just the journeys he actually does though- it's the ones you could do but don't due to not driving.

So you might not ask him to run you to the shops because you've run out of red peppers for dinner, but then you are just not eating the meal for dinner you otherwise would. You aren't asking him to drive to the dry cleaners, but have to use the one with longer turn around times because that's the one in walking distance. You aren't making him drive you to the airport for the holidays, but are limited to which airport you can reach easily on public transport. You don't expect him to drive on a night out, but you are limited to the restaurants nearby. It's the jobs and houses that aren't an option.

It's the compromises that have to be made because the alternative is him driving you.

Agree I would arrange for him to take you out for some practice lessons, see if you really are as bad as you think, you might be pleasantly surprised at yourself.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 25/01/2017 22:15

Just seen you don't do big shops, is that because you are limited to what you can carry home on public transport/walk home with? It does mean you are spending a lot more of your free time shopping...

5OBalesofHay · 25/01/2017 22:19

Why does he want you to drive? Has he said how it impacts on him?

Original poster

Albatross26 · 25/01/2017 22:24

We tend to both pick up bits on our way home from work in the week as there's lots of shops close by. I have a massive bike basket so can carry a fair bit!
50bales hasn't really no, only that he'd like it if I did. Will have further talks about it, not now before bed though!

OP posts:

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